Thursday, October 25, 2012

Girl...He’s the Devil in Disguise. Don’t run, walk.

Sometimes we have those moments where we meet the very WRONG person and forget all about our rules. The smart you, the realistic you knows this asshole is nothing but trouble. Why do we still proceed? Why do we put ourselves in a hot and heavy mess?

Because we all what a bad boy, a dirty motherfucker...candy coated misery.

Open up your eyes, just because they are exciting doesn’t mean they are good for you. But the good news is...they aren’t Mr. Right, they are Mr. Right now. Because we are all dumb bitches at times and refuse to listen to the angel on your shoulder, here are a few reasons why I believe Mr. VERY wrong is actually is Mr. Right Now.

Dirty Dick makes Nice Dick look better:
When you have had the biggest fucking asshole on the block, the other blocks don’t look so bad now do they? Sometimes our standards can be a little high, until we meet fucking Satan. After a drinking problem and your friends finally ignoring your will realize exactly what you don’t want...EVER AGAIN!

Who doesn’t love hate sex:
One great thing about dating Mr. Wrong is the awesome fights and hate sex. Calling him an asshole in the bar, crying, and then having him fuck you in the ladies room is nothing but HOT! He will always apologize; only after he face fucks you and makes you feel like shit. Take advantage of the fact that you are dating a hateful person, fight as much as you can...and then get your mind blown!

Nice, happy, healthy relationships can also be very boring. We love those bad boys because we never know what is next. Is he going to fuck that stripper he has been “talking” to all night? Is he going to stop calling me? Is he going to fuck one of my friends? We always have these insecurities that create excitement and allow us to never get bored. Happy = Snore.

I need a spanking:
Always being the one fucking the relationship need to be ready to suffer for your sins. Who doesn’t like being a bad girl? When you are constantly getting dumped or kicking that fucker to the curb, before you get back together with him..cause you will...take advantage. Really dig deep into that black book and recharge your batteries. That’s what hot bartenders and valet guys are for.

I will take the challenge please:
I don’t walk around everyday hoping that everything in my life is easy. The people who wander around with handouts, an easy fulfilling day, and never being challenged must fucking suck. When I am playing foosball...I just don’t want to whip some sorry dudes ass...I want to be scared I might lose!  Same goes for Mr. Right Now, Mr. Always a fucking asshole. Smart, ambitious women don’t want to just take it lying down...we want a bit of a challenge. Dating the fucking Devil helps you understand challenge and how important it can be when you do decide to find somebody better.

Single isn’t so bad:
After being ran through the mud, puffy fucking eyes, and lots of drugs and is a relief to be single. There is nothing better than being alone and really enjoying the single life after a fucking hot mess. You won’t be looking for love, you will be looking to have fun and forget all together about men. might actually get the fucking balls already to eat some pussy. Don’t knock it, till you try it girl.

The next time you find yourself crying in your cube after a nasty call from your loser Casanova, remember he is only Mr. Right Now...and take advantage of the learning process you will endure from nothing but heartache.  And also the hate sex. Please don’t forget about hate sex. My fav.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

I’m a young powered me explode.

Just because he still can’t grow a full beard and his balls haven’t dropped, doesn’t mean fucking a younger man isn’t a good idea. As a Cub in Cougar training, I am super pissed to find out what I have been missing since my early 20s. In college I dated older men, the older and bigger...the better! If you had a motorcycle, big truck, your own bank account, and a ton of dumb cunts under your were my dream man.

Times have changed and I look back in disgust of myself. Not only did those older men on motorcycles turn into major fucking pricks...they also started to be a little um, inconsistent if you know what I mean. Really? You can’t get it up again?

Good thing I was fucking somebody else on the side...and he’s 23.

First off...Nobody says you have to be in a relationship with these young pups...I think giving them a few scratches down their back is just what the doctor ordered. Here are a few tips from Ramblin’ on making a young stud REALLY work it for you.

Please fuck me now, I don’t care that we are standing in front of your work.
Without giving you all my dirty details, I will tell you younger men can be a bit more daring. In the past to get my older cocks to bend me over in a bathroom was like pulling fucking teeth. A younger man has a little bit more to prove and doesn’t say no or bitch out...EVER!

Drama and Baggage. 
The more I fuck and date older guys the more drama and baggage they have. Not to say the same isn’t true with older women...but why not let some hot sweaty 23-year-old guy spank your sweaty ass in a house party and wipe his young cum all over your ass? At least you know his wife isn’t waiting outside or he needs to be running home to relieve his fucking babysitter. You got all night girl...and trust me, he will definitely last.

Make it work for you!
There are a lot of older men that think they know everything about fucking a woman. As we all know...all vaginas and women are very different...even I have experienced that! The good thing about a man who may not be as experienced is you are setting him up for success! Not only do you get to show him how you like it without him having a fucking ego problem, but you are setting him up for future ladies. Very much appreciated.

Sex Sex and More Sex!
I know plenty of older men that love sex, but typically older more established men have a lot more going on in their lives. Younger dudes are still in college, still trying to make a name for themselves, and can’t get enough pussy. These fucking guys not only last forever...but they will drop whatever they have going matter what it is to come find you and fist you. Tasty. Be in control of the Booty Call... Don’t let your young hunk think that he has any control. With younger guys can come a little too much make sure you set up who’s boss early on. Younger men need a little structure when it comes to reliable make them chase you, don’t let this dumb fuck try to run the show.

Do not date them!
If you are looking for love or to be in a relationship...first...Barf...second...don’t go after the younger men. Nothing EVER comes good from being in a relationship with somebody not only younger than you, but at a maturity level of your dog. Trust matter HOW MANY TIMES they say they are an “old soul” they fucking aren’t. Just keep them for sex. Don’t be a dumb bitch.

Do NOT hang out with him!
When you start going to the places he likes to go bring yourself into a situation with younger girls, his friends, and a serious amount of annoyance. Trust me...keep it simple. My house...the woods, or in my car. No...I do not want to drink with you at that stupid fucking college bar. Blow me.

Whether you are a cougar, cub, or a puma...get your single slut fucking ass out there and make some bad decisions with some young buck. Trust will wake up with a smile on your face, some bruises, and a little less dignity...but it is ALL WORTH IT. Keep those older guys for when you are ready to settle down, unless they have a lot of money and a big cock of course.

Now it is time for a night cap to see that young bartender.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Fuck a New Years Resolution, Get What You Really Want!

There is something about getting what I want that makes me feel alive.

No matter how old you are or how important you think you are... find a way to get what you want this new year. Fuck a stupid New Years Resolution you won't succeed with anyway...figure out how to get fisted by that sexy guy you see at Starbucks every morning.

There has been many times in my life when I didn’t take no for an answer. Whether it was waiting to get backstage and meet a rockstar, trying to sleep with that sexy mysterious bartender, or finding a way to fuck that British professor with that sick mustache...I always found a way. When I find something I want or when I realize that I can’t sleep another night until I meet that classic rock guitar player...I make it my mission to succeed.

I believe this motivation is a gift. I never give up...and if it doesn’t work the first time...I pick myself back up off the ground and try harder the next time. As a professional winner and successful backstage charmer, here are a few tips of how to get what you want...especially if there is some serious kinky sex involved.

Ramblin’s Top 10 ways to get what you want:

1.) Always look good. Stop leaving the house looking like a sloppy fucking dumb ass. Just because you live in Portland...doesn’t mean you need to look like a goddamn sloppy Oregonian. Take the time to spice it up and set yourself apart.

2.) Be polite. When you are trying to get what you want from somebody, please and thank you go a very long way. If a girl buys you a drink, say fucking thank you...if a guy buys you dinner...sit on his face. Don’t be an asshole.

3.) Treat everybody the same. No matter how intimidated you may be by somebody...treat them as you would treat your friends. Even if they may be famous, pretending to stay calm when you are dying inside is a guarantee for anal sex. Trust me.

4.) Be a chameleon. Know your audience and be flexible to slightly change depending on the circumstances. If you have to watch your dirty mouth because you are trying to fuck a chick from your mother’s church...keep your mouth clean until that girl becomes a real naughty slut.

5.) Start small but be persistent. If you want to fuck the hottest chick in the room...ask the bartender what she is drinking and leave it on her table with a smile. Don’t do everything at once. Baby steps. Anticipation is another word for foreplay.

6.) Always be honest. Don’t tell people what they want to hear, always be honest and people will respect you. If you just want to bang a bitch...don’t fucking play games...just tell her what you want.

7.) Smile and laugh. Not only do people look ugly when they are grumpy (or if they are a woman with a mustache)...but it seriously causes wrinkles! Lighten up and take a shot of whiskey you cranky fuck.

8.) Always have a goal in mind and stick to it. If you want that amazing job, or you want to ride that hot matter how long it takes to get you there...keep it a goal. Once you have reached that goal, set an even better one. Instead of the cowboy at the bar, maybe working on a professional bull rider or country singer is next.

9.) Don’t ever hurt anybody along the way. Sometimes we can be fucking cunts...but try to avoid hurting somebody to get what you want. Sometimes it happens naturally, but do what you can to avoid it.

10.) Always have fun! Life is too short to obsess over something you want and not have fun along the way. The best part of a challenge is the journey. Have fun, get drunk, and have some courtesy fucks along the way...its good karma.

Now that the Ramblin’ has given you the Top 10 Ways to get what you want. Make me proud and have 2012 the year of you and a year of some serious sex, drugs, and rock and roll! I can’t think of anything more fun!

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Being "Ironic" is a red flag for mangina.

In a city full of straight men wearing skinny jeans, fucking v-necks, and goddamn pussy scarves...a single slut needs a fucking real man check list. Portland woman have become so numb and desensitized from the lack of real men in this city, I have seen some redneck girls like myself accidentally have bathroom sex with a man that may or may not be wearing black rim glasses he bought at Forever 21. Is there really a lack of manly men in this city? Is it the fucking rain stopping men from growing taller and gaining muscle? Is it when PBR became a hipster beer that everything went to shit? I would just like to know why the fuck so many straight Portland men are more feminine than Andy Dick.

Where have all the Cowboy’s gone? Is Sam Elliot the only one left in this city?

I have included a list of questions to ask early on in a first conversation with a guy to determine if he is a little fucking bitch and will cry during sex. If he answers either of these questions wrong...I would take a hard long look in the mirror and ask yourself if you really need to get laid that bad. Hey...if he has drugs, lots of money, or you haven’t been fucked in awhile...I won’t judge you. These questions should hopefully help you sleep at night when you lie awake wondering...was it a single mom thing? Was it a public school thing? Are there really just a bunch of fucking bitches in Portland?

Lucky for you...I have found AND have fucked a few of these rare savage beast men in Portland and I have created checklist to help me cut out the fucking mangina clutter.

1. Have you ever hunted or fished for your dinner? Can you tell me how long your fishing pole is?

2. What kind of cologne is that? Did you accidentally put too much on today?

3. Have you ever driven anything else except for your lesbian Subaru or fucking bicycle? Do you even have a fucking driver’s license?

4. Have you ever taken a shot of whiskey? What about an Irish Car Bomb?

5. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Do you shop on NW 23rd at all?

6. Have you ever used a chain saw? How about a fucking hand saw?

7. Did you participate in Drama or Choir in high school? (If he says yes...and then proceeds to discuss his four high school years in football...then I'd let it slide...and then have it slide in your ass).

8. Have you ever changed your own oil, flat tire, or replaced windshield wipers? (If he happens to have a car...fucking manvinga).

9. Do you spend more than $25 per month on your hair or do you wax on a regular basis? (Waxing his back is one thing...waxing his chest and eyebrows is a red flag for fucking tears during sex).

10. Do you have a cat? Is it a barn cat or do you brush it and sleep with it every night?

Dating is never fun, but casual sex sure is! Don’t waste your happy healthy vagina on a piece of shit you will later regret. Trust me...when you wake up to see his bike helmet and find out he lives with his will wish you took home the guy with the hairy back instead.

Go out there and join me in making a stand against all the fucking Mangina’s in Portland...and get drunk while doing it.

Friday, May 6, 2011

I know what I need...and I need it fast.

There is nothing better than having that person that you can call when it’s absolutely urgent to get fucked and you know it will just rock your world. The person who knows you don’t want to change anything else about what you are doing except meeting in a seedy bar and going in their car and banging it out. The sex is so incredible that you have to just call them in the middle of the night for an emergency orgasm. It is so fucking amazing that no matter who you are dating, if you are in a commitment, or you are just need it and you need it fast.

Who doesn’t want that unattached sex that blows your mind...the sex that when you walk in the door it is fucking on and both of you are so fucking impatient you can’t even get all your clothing off. You can call them anytime, anywhere and you know that there will be hot sweaty sex without any strings attached.

Everybody needs that person and should have that person right now. You need to have that dirty slut or hot fucker that you barely know who can fuck you like nobody else can. No love making, no meeting the fucking parents, and absolutely no romance. I am talking hot and heavy sex when you want it and as fast as it can happen. No strings attached...just good and marinated and ready to go.

I know several people that have this person...and often change this person up from time to time. This person shouldn’t be somebody you would take home to mom or somebody you travel in the same social circle with. This person needs to be good looking, has all the right equipment, and knows how to shut their fucking trap. They also need to have reliable transportation so when you want can get it. Trust me from experience...a fucking skateboard just isn’t going to get it done.

This isn’t a one night stand, this isn’t a friend with benefits situation, and this isn’t a fucking relationship whatsoever. This is a fucking booty call on goddamn
steroids! This is kind of like a reliable cell phone, a stiff martini, an good line of cocaine, and a hot shower... everybody needs one and it has to be quality.

Stop fucking that person that just doesn’t get it done! If you do find the person that does get you doesn’t always mean you need to have a relationship with them. Sometimes a good fuck when you need it is a perfectly good relationship.

Start tonight. Go out there and find that person who makes you fucking crazy horny. don’t want this person so perfect that you will eventually want more than just an urgent telephone call in the middle of the night. You want them dirty, sexy, and to make you fucking cum like nobody else can...even if it is in a porta potty. Hey...I am not one to me.

This is making me crazy...time to dial my booty call on steroids.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Just be honest or throw that pig back into the wild. This isn't a Luau!

What the fuck is a Hida Hog? The original term of a Hida Hog is a girl that isn’t really up to a guys social standards and keeps her hidden from his friends and acquaintances as she isn’t adequate enough to be in public with him. A hida hog really is only for immediate gratification or a booty call.

As I totally embrace booty calls, one night stands, fucking somebody ugly, anything that involves equal opportunity fucking…you know I am usually in. I think this term can get a little bit messy. Not only is it unfair to say that only men have a hida hog…I know PLENTY of women that fuck unacceptable men all the time and do not bring them around.

Here is my fucking problem with a hida hog…typically to keep people around; it is very common for men and for women to be misleading so they can reap the benefits. There is nothing more fucking horribly annoying and disgusting to me than a person who wants to have their fucking cake and eat it too and somebody who is misleading and selfish about sex.

Why can’t people just say “I just want to fuck you…I am not interested in anything else?” I wish people were more honest about bootie calls and straight forward about what they really want. It is okay to just NOT be into somebody except sex. People have been doing it for years without being misleading or a real fucking dick. Being a hida hog means that the person is just not fucking into you at all…they just want to have sex and haven’t told you so.

Here are a few signs you may be a hida hog:

- The person you are fucking only wants to have you at their house or your house or in a place they have no chance of bumping into their social circle or in a situation where they may appear unavailable.

- You have NEVER met their friends or very few of them. You have never met their family, boss, coworkers…and would never go to any event where these individuals would be around.

- They are not straight forward about what they really want with you. They tell you they want to take it ONE DAY AT A TIME and see where it goes…and months and months have gone by.

- They are always doing fun things without you and hanging out with people you have never met.

- They only text you, IM you, or email you…they never call you in public.

- If they do spend any time with you…it is usually around you having sex.

- If they have mentioned what a great friend you or have said they want to work on having a good friendship so the future can be stronger.

If you aren’t a hida hog…then this person is either in a relationship, they are married, or they are just not fucking into you and you need to either move on…or take the edge off. This is ALWAYS why you should be sleeping with more than one person.

Dr. Ramblin Broad has a cure for anybody who may start to think they are a hida hog: GO FUCK OTHER PEOPLE! Fuck as many people as you can…and enjoy it. If you happen to get that booty call from the rat bastard or the dumb cunt…fuck them anyway…at least now having the cake and eating it too is fucking fair. Beat them at their own fucking game!

Friday, April 8, 2011

I eat more chicken than any man ever seen…

Yes…I want you to be my backdoor man. The term "backdoor man" originally came from a woman cheating on her husband and the other man exiting from the back door. But since the dirty slutty 1960’s it is a double entendre also meaning practicing anal sex.

I am beginning to find out how many bitches don’t give up the ass…and I mean literally…their asshole. What are they scared of? I have also realized how many dudes actually don’t like something in their ass or anal sex with a woman. Really? Get a hold of your fucking sexuality already! Look…I can understand that it isn’t everybody’s cup of fucking tea…but don’t knock it until you try it.

If you do it right…anal sex can be rewarding for both partners. There are so many dumb fucking assholes out there that not only don’t know what the fuck they are doing with the vagina…but are so selfish they forget that sex is actually a two way fucking street. If both partners communicate and can laugh and have a good time in bed…then anal sex shouldn't be embarrassing or disgusting.

Here are a few tips on how to make anal sex work for you and your partner:

- LUBE LUBE LUBE. Don’t just stick it in without it. No fucking way.

- The clit is there…fucking use it! Whether or not your lady touches it or you man up and do it yourself…find time to make sure the clitoris is getting attention during this process.

- As one of my friends so nicely puts it…sometimes you gotta play poop. Don’t be embarrassed…just try to understand your body and have some common sense.

- Make sure your lady has already cum…there is no back and forth here…once it’s in the brown eye…you can’t go back.

- Slowly make it happen … inch by inch. Don’t just shove the fucker in!

- KEEP IT IN…once it is in…keep it there. You can move it around…but try to not completely pull out as frequent as you would if it was a vagina.

- Make sure the lady feels like she has control of the situation…most woman want to know they can stop at anytime if they need to.

- I recommend that you don’t watch hardcore porn and think anal sex is just like that. Give me a fucking break already.

- Wear a condom…I know sometimes a few of us don’t follow that rule….but please try your best.

Now…man the fuck up and try to expand your horizons or spice things up. I believe you will be thanking me later…so…you are welcome.

Like my dad always said…you can’t get pregnant if you swallow or take it in the ass. He is such a wise man.