Friday, March 19, 2010

Why do teeth ALWAYS get in the way?

I think it is pretty clear that men and women both love oral sex. If you don’t participate in oral sex, then you have some serious daddy issues. How can there be a person in the world that doesn’t love to just lay back, relax and have somebody take care of them like they are John Edwards?

It's why God gave us wet mouths, and I think, a lot of times, men and women miss the boat on how to get it done.

Why? Why? Why!!! …do so many women think they know everything when it comes to pleasing a man? Women always assume men are SO easy! Which is probably why women think it is okay to give a hand job instead of a blowjob. REALLY? Have you ever thought, "What would I want if I was a guy?" Get on your fucking knees you stupid whore! Why the fuck do some women not reciprocate? Are you shitting me? Not saying you have to reciprocate EVERY single time…but you SHOULD understand manners for fuck’s sake!

Why? Why? Why!!! …do men think it is okay to finger bang a woman like they’re firing a machine gun? It’s cunting season but guys, you don’t kill something you are planning to eat with a machine gun. Hunt for kitty with a machine gun and you’ll just end up with a sore arm and blue balls. And why are men only doing one thing at a time during oral sex? Can’t you fucking multitask already? I’ll put it in simple terms: A woman’s body is like your Playstation controller…you can’t win if you’re only hitting one button.

In this week's issue we’re cutting straight to the g-spot to get to the real deal on our oral issues. On today’s research panel: a few randos that I met at a bar, a batch of my overly sexual friends (men and woman, straight and gay), and some inappropriate survey questions that put the G in gmail. The result is Ramblin Broad’s guide to oral sex etiquette.

Hand Jobs ARE OUT!

Look ladies, literally every girl I talk to thinks guys like hand jobs. They do…when they give a hand job to themselves! Come the fuck on already! Do you really think you can give a man a better hand job than he can give himself? Not even Kirsty Alley can do this for a fucking Butterfinger! Make a guy remember being with you and not have to fantasize about what he really wants you to do with his tube steak. I can say with confidence that 100% of men would rather get a blowjob, titty fuck a chick, or masturbate for her. Honestly…all those options are so much sexier and exciting than a hand job!

Remember the days when you would dry hump a guy so hard that your pelvis would hurt the next day? Yeah..well when you are giving a guy a hand job, it takes him back to that moment in time. LOOK, I know what your fucking hot ass is thinking right now (fyi…only good looking people read this blog), "what about a good ole HJ in public?" NO! If you are that brave to give a dude an HJ in public, the least you can do is swallow it. Just give him a BJ already! If you want to get dirty and nasty at your parent’s house during dinner, go to the bathroom and have a quickie in the mirror, or go outside in some fucking bushes and give him a knob job. An HJ is just so Trapper Keeper.

Trim Trim Trim!

Dudes, there is nothing worse than a pair of musty balls with a bad wiper. Yes, I said it. You dudes are NASTY! Keep that shit clean already! I am not saying the kitty can be much cleaner all the time, but dudes are normally way worse. NO, we don’t want to give you a blow job after you just rode your bike in your skinny jeans! Honestly, would you blow yourself like that? Brush your fucking teeth already. There is nothing worse than musty balls on a man with fucking old hamburger breath. Yuck. If we wanted to share lunch with you, we would have sat on your fucking face. Keep it clean and trim, especially you hairy fucks. If nasty ass Andrew Dice Clay can do it, so can you!

Ho’s, there is NOTHING worse than fried pussycat. Can’t you clean yourself or find your lost tampon already? For real! I know you ladies aren’t bad wipers, but at least take a wet wipe to yourself before the Burt Reynolds ride. Don’t you think that your wild jerry curl is starting to freak him out? If your partner thinks your bush looks like Lionel Ritchie, you need to jump out of 1978 and join the bald girl’s club. Some girls say they don’t like to be feel like they are five-years old again, but at least trim the shit down. I am SO shocked when I stare at beavers in the gym or at yoga, and it looks like they put Rogaine on that shit. Dear lord, stop being so fucking lazy.

Twat Talk…

Most lesbians already know all this, so this part is not directed to your hot asses. Dudes, okay. We know that it is hard for y’all to multitask. We know how it works in manland. When it comes to petting the kitty, you must reach multiple sensations. Maybe some dumb cunts want you to whisper them sweet nothings while you have a mouth full, but the rest of us bitches just want to put you to work.

The clit is NOT like your cock. Stop sucking on it hard and rubbing your callused finger on it so rough the fucker might come right off. Be gentle, be focused, and listen! If we are making noises that sound like anything other than STOP, unless you’re Ben Roethlisberger, keep going! If we are making those noises you like to hear, that means STAY PUT! For GOD'S SAKE! There is nothing more disappointing than when a dude is hitting the right spot and wanders away. What a nightmare.

A few tips from the ladies:

- Find the Clit, Anus, and Vagina. Just like bowling…try to play with them
all at the same time. Maybe have a pitcher of beer first…and some tatertots.

- Trace the letters; A, B and C over the clit area until she screams.

- Listen to hear noises and read body language, you will find out what she likes
when you start paying attention. Every woman is different, just because your
skanky ex girlfriend with daddy issues liked it one way, doesn’t mean they all do.

- Find the G-Spot. Use your fingers! We don’t expect you to be our gynecologist. But the least you can do is fucking search around a bit.

- Ask for directions. We know how much you motherfuckers hate to ask for help, but when it comes to sex, ask. Women LOVE to express their feelings and will be
happy to tell you what feels good. ASK!

A few tips from the dudes:

- Shave or Trim already. Some men are scared of what you might be hiding under that
wild bush.

- Let us try different positions while snacking on the box. Chairs, doggy style,
standing, you name it. The traditional position of a man going down on a woman can be a pain in the neck…literally. Mix it up!

- 69 is not just a number ladies. Men want to 69 as much as humanly possible next to jerking themselves off. Give it a go more often…schedule it in if you must!

May I have a Polish Sausage, but hold the nuts…

I think there is a reason why when you go to parties, or a bar, they always have nuts. Nuts make everybody happy! I LOVE salty peanuts still in the shell. I think it is even better when I can have a huge beer and throw my empty shells on the nasty greasy ground in a bar. Nuts are fun for everybody, except when women are giving head. After chatting with a group of men, I found that most of those men hate how their nuts get left out so often. I guess us ladies need to multitask too!

Growing up, I always assumed that men only cared about one thing: the wiener, the shaft, their Johnson. I always assumed they protected their balls. I mean, it isn’t like women don’t know that nuts are a part of shit, but I was surprised to find out that most men think we are leaving their nuts in the dark. Could it be the bad wiping thing? Or could it be they just remind us the first time we saw one hanging out of a mans shorts at summer camp? Or the scary bulge of Tom Jones? Icky! With his sweaty sparkling chest hair…you know his nuts are also wet, stinky, and suffocating in that spandex!

We need to be more interactive with the nuts. Hold onto them, caress, tickle, lightly tap, cup, or maybe squeeze them. One young lady said she puts light pressure at the top and the bottom of the nuts while she gives head. She also claims a little mouth pocket pool helps the job go faster…(and yes…she is hot and single).

Giving a blowjob, really is a job. It seems men don’t understand what it takes for a woman to give a perfectly acceptable blowjob. It takes time to produce enough saliva, prevent lockjaw, hide the damn molars, gag reflex, all while holding your fucking balls. Give the person behind the curtain a little more credit. Women want to know what you like. It is never a good thing to just let a girl go and go and go and go and go and go…until she has permanent lip damage. We want to know what is going to get you off as fast as possible.

A few more tips from the Gents:

- Hold the NUTS…do something with them.

- For fuck's sake, swallow…or don’t bother. If you aren’t going to finish, then fuck it already!

- A hand job is worthless. He may tell you he likes it, because you are obviously touching the center of his world…but they would much rather you blow them.

- Just when you decided to go low carb: Normal ejaculate contains approximately
2.0 to 3.0 cc. Of that , 1.5 to 2.0 cc come from the seminal vesicles. 0.5cc from the prostate and 0.1 to 0.2 cc from Cowper gland. The majority of the fluid is protein. A very small amount is fructose (sugar). The caloric content is low
with almost no fat. Happy sucking!

A few tips from the Ladies:

- TELL US when you are going to cum. Most women just want to have some warning so the swallowing process is an effective one.

- Women want to know exactly what you like. Women want you to point, show, and
give examples, draw on the fucking grease board like the UPS guy…whatever…. just fucking do it already. Man up.

- Please take a goddamn shower or something. You men can be so damn disgusting. Trim and shave your shit. It isn’t just for the ladies! Clean out your dirty fingernails before you play with the kitty. Nobody knows WHAT the fuck you have
under there.

- A healthy diet makes for a tastier finish. You might want to google this one.

- Women want you men to enjoy this moment, but don’t also be greedy. Don’t take
forever when you know you can cum, we want it to be good, but we also don’t want
to lose our tonsils.

I was surprised when I began writing this blog how much information I received from a handful of oversexed friends of mine. The one common thing I found from everybody was they really want to watch each other masturbate. It seems as if people want to learn what the other person likes. Watching your partner pleasure themselves will be visually stimulating and also show you exactly what they like with a front row seat. Don’t give him the fucking hand job next time…ask him to do it for you, you dirty slut.

I am not a goddamn sex columnist, or sex blogger…but I do think that if most fucking people would just ask and listen…this fucking world would be a better place. More casual sex too…let’s not forget that little tidbit!

Time to clean my gun and drink my whiskey. Now...go put on some chapstick!

Thank you to the dirty skanky friends and strangers that took a few minutes to be embarrassed by my whore-nie questions. I appreciate your insight. Thanks to my Editor for always making me sounds smooth, and to my fact checker who reminds me when I am getting weak.