Friday, April 16, 2010

I need a goddamn facial already!

If you are going to take a shot in the mouth, make sure that dirty motherfucker deserves it.

Do you need to be “in like” to swallow a man's penis mucus? Do you need to swallow every single time you give head? Is it even considered giving head without swallowing?

In the past week I have asked a grip of my cunt friends how they feel about taking a shot in the mouth. I was surprised by the response I received.

It seems most individuals who give blowjobs don’t feel that the act of a blowjob has a definition. Yes, you put the cock in your mouth, and make shit happen. But what is the true definition?

We all know it is a JOB for a reason. There are many steps for this job and many things that make this job successful.

Does foreplay mean putting a cock in your mouth for a long period of time? Does a blow job really mean following through to the end and clocking out?

First, let's discuss what jizz really is. Cum, or sperm are reproductive cells. I know I am not telling you anything you didn’t learn in middle school, but this shit isn’t meant for use as a protein shake. Although this bleach smelling, creamy, tapioca like substance can stick between the cracks of your teeth, it is not bad for you. According to Men’s Health, semen is 65 percent fluid from the seminal vesicles, 30 to 35 percent of the prostate and 5 percent from the vasa. Semen contains citric acid, free amino acids, fructose, enzymes, phosphorylcholine, prostaglandin, potassium, and zinc. There are about 500 million sperm for each ejaculation.

Sounds like a fucking low carb cocktail huh? I bet it would be good frozen and used after yoga.

I definitely believe it is rude and CUNT-like to spit. Really? You are going to go through all that effort to coat your throat and then bring it back up? YUCK? It is like when you were a kid and you had to eat your peas, but then you decided to spit them in your napkin when your bitchy aunt wasn’t looking.

I think spitters need to work on their form.

Do you always have to swallow?

What is wrong with:

1. 69 action during foreplay to get things rolling before a little mattress dancing?
2. Blowing under a table in a restaurant and then finishing with penetration in the
3. A knob job in the shower and having it stuck in your ass before he cums?
4. Sucking, fucking, sucking, fucking, and then taking a shot in the face?

Does it always have to end with a guy cuming in your mouth?

Most men sure seem to think so.

If you aren’t taking a shot in the mouth, apparently it is quite annoying. I guess having a load on the tits, face, asshole, or the good ole vag just isn’t good enough. I have even had it shot in the eye and seem to have recovered just fine.

My point is…men sure complain a lot about not getting enough head. But, maybe they do. Maybe their definition of head is sucking him dry.

I wonder if men ever stop to think when we let them “finish” to their standards, that maybe their partner didn't get off? Funny, a dude being selfish? NOOOOOOOO!

Don’t get me wrong, there is something really hot about grabbing that ass, sticking a nice cock in your mouth, and hearing them moan like a gorilla. But what ruins it? You would think it was the Gorilla part. It is when a guy has the attitude that they deserve it! Half the fucking time most dudes don’t deserve a good swallow, but a nice kick in the fucking mouth!

I think that men are fucking complaining too much. They complain if they don’t, and complain when they do.

If you guys feel like you need to give a little direction, do so. Stop fucking around like a Goddamn pussy already! Like I have said in my previous blogs, giving direction can be kind of hot, but there is a craft to it. Don’t be a dick and stop that hot ass bitch in the middle of the procedure and critique her on doing something you could NEVER be successful at yourself! How about be a fucking man and be sexy about it? Direct your pleaser in a sexy Burt Reynolds type of way. Make it fun, make it sexy, and make her feel good about herself.

Nothing good ever comes from making somebody feel like shit when they are trying to please you.

The finesse of giving direction? That is for another blog. Just think about what you may be fucking complaining about, because it could always be worse. You could be with tooth grinding mom jeans, puking on your shoes for Christ’s sake!

Now, I need to take a shot of whiskey, in my mouth, and go masturbate. Apparently I am the only one who knows how to take care of myself.

Yes, I am a dick just like the rest.