tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-73584062591739994262023-11-15T23:12:23.520-08:00Ramblin' BroadDating sucks and why do your relationships go south, and not in the fun way? Get frank, honest answers from this unique crass blog.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger37125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7358406259173999426.post-45694200455957527572012-10-25T14:30:00.000-07:002012-10-25T14:30:58.878-07:00Girl...He’s the Devil in Disguise. Don’t run, walk.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnr1yJnZZeGDkydVYGZTKZTx81YgXJrCETgtbmS8GMQgjnv5iXoRnQ45zB_VzlyM13Yd_IYhslg1G-0LMuLcUObzZ11cgEAhtJJblpgvV5mAt_SM9RFvp8ajy1cUplOwFhAEYRFNlbygBw/s1600/supe-wink.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnr1yJnZZeGDkydVYGZTKZTx81YgXJrCETgtbmS8GMQgjnv5iXoRnQ45zB_VzlyM13Yd_IYhslg1G-0LMuLcUObzZ11cgEAhtJJblpgvV5mAt_SM9RFvp8ajy1cUplOwFhAEYRFNlbygBw/s320/supe-wink.jpg" width="252" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: white;">Sometimes we have those moments where we meet the very WRONG
person and forget all about our rules. The smart you, the realistic you knows
this asshole is nothing but trouble. Why do we still proceed? Why do we put
ourselves in a hot and heavy mess?</span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: white;">Because we all what a bad boy, a dirty motherfucker...candy
coated misery. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: white;">Open up your eyes, just because they are cocky...sexy...and
exciting doesn’t mean they are good for you. But the good news is...they aren’t
Mr. Right, they are Mr. Right now. Because we are all dumb bitches at times and
refuse to listen to the angel on your shoulder, here are a few reasons why I
believe Mr. VERY wrong is actually is Mr. Right Now.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: white;">Dirty Dick makes Nice Dick look better:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;">When you have had the biggest fucking asshole on the block,
the other blocks don’t look so bad now do they? Sometimes our standards can be
a little high, until we meet fucking Satan. After a drinking problem and your
friends finally ignoring your calls...you will realize exactly what you don’t
want...EVER AGAIN!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: white;">Who doesn’t love hate sex: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;">One great thing about dating Mr. Wrong is the awesome fights
and hate sex. Calling him an asshole in the bar, crying, and then having him
fuck you in the ladies room is nothing but HOT! He will always apologize; only
after he face fucks you and makes you feel like shit. Take advantage of the
fact that you are dating a hateful person, fight as much as you can...and then
get your mind blown!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: white;">Unpredictability:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;">Nice, happy, healthy relationships can also be very boring.
We love those bad boys because we never know what is next. Is he going to fuck
that stripper he has been “talking” to all night? Is he going to stop calling
me? Is he going to fuck one of my friends? We always have these insecurities
that create excitement and allow us to never get bored. Happy = Snore. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: white;">I need a spanking:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;">Always being the one fucking the relationship up...you need
to be ready to suffer for your sins. Who doesn’t like being a bad girl? When
you are constantly getting dumped or kicking that fucker to the curb, before
you get back together with him..cause you will...take advantage. Really dig
deep into that black book and recharge your batteries. That’s what hot
bartenders and valet guys are for. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="color: white;">I will take the challenge please:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;">I don’t walk around everyday hoping that everything in my
life is easy. The people who wander around with handouts, an easy fulfilling
day, and never being challenged must fucking suck. When I am playing foosball...I
just don’t want to whip some sorry dudes ass...I want to be scared I might
lose! Same goes for Mr. Right Now, Mr.
Always a fucking asshole. Smart, ambitious women don’t want to just take it lying
down...we want a bit of a challenge. Dating the fucking Devil helps you
understand challenge and how important it can be when you do decide to find
somebody better. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: white;">Single isn’t so bad:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: white;">After being ran through the mud, puffy fucking eyes, and lots
of drugs and alcohol...it is a relief to be single. There is nothing better
than being alone and really enjoying the single life after a fucking hot mess.
You won’t be looking for love, you will be looking to have fun and forget all
together about men. Hell...you might actually get the fucking balls already to
eat some pussy. Don’t knock it, till you try it girl.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: white;">The next time you find yourself crying in your cube after a
nasty call from your loser Casanova, remember he is only Mr. Right Now...and
take advantage of the learning process you will endure from nothing but
heartache. And also the hate sex. Please
don’t forget about hate sex. My fav.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7358406259173999426.post-38279395445392242792012-05-23T22:20:00.001-07:002012-05-24T08:58:33.856-07:00I’m a young powered load...watch me explode.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsN0mkttO-WuAb1KytZ8a__OVPnyW6RnV-4YZeyPb1i2TxxSvUNUXFpW5gLE9I_5o00OOAYLA3d0gQwm-VV-py0ILUwV_ZLkl6Wdzahm9RG9tfKrczjhcoCpfvt6rzStrTKeUlOKxYuYtU/s1600/chanel-4.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsN0mkttO-WuAb1KytZ8a__OVPnyW6RnV-4YZeyPb1i2TxxSvUNUXFpW5gLE9I_5o00OOAYLA3d0gQwm-VV-py0ILUwV_ZLkl6Wdzahm9RG9tfKrczjhcoCpfvt6rzStrTKeUlOKxYuYtU/s320/chanel-4.png" width="224" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #f3f3f3;">Just because he still can’t grow a full beard and his balls haven’t dropped, doesn’t mean fucking a younger man isn’t a good idea. As a Cub in Cougar training, I am super pissed to find out what I have been missing since my early 20s. In college I dated older men, the older and bigger...the better! If you had a motorcycle, big truck, your own bank account, and a ton of dumb cunts under your belt...you were my dream man.</span><br />
<span style="color: #f3f3f3;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="color: #f3f3f3;">Times have changed and I look back in disgust of myself. Not only did those older men on motorcycles turn into major fucking pricks...they also started to be a little um, inconsistent if you know what I mean. Really? You can’t get it up again?</span><br />
<span style="color: #f3f3f3;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="color: #f3f3f3;">Good thing I was fucking somebody else on the side...and he’s 23.</span><br />
<span style="color: #f3f3f3;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="color: #f3f3f3;">First off...Nobody says you have to be in a relationship with these young pups...I think giving them a few scratches down their back is just what the doctor ordered. Here are a few tips from Ramblin’ on making a young stud REALLY work it for you.</span><br />
<span style="color: #f3f3f3;"><br /></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #f3f3f3;"><b>Please fuck me now, I don’t care that we are standing in front of your work</b>.</span><br />
<span style="color: #f3f3f3;">Without giving you all my dirty details, I will tell you younger men can be a bit more daring. In the past to get my older cocks to bend me over in a bathroom was like pulling fucking teeth. A younger man has a little bit more to prove and doesn’t say no or bitch out...EVER!</span><br />
<b><span style="color: #f3f3f3;"><br /></span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #f3f3f3;">Drama and Baggage. </span></b><br />
<span style="color: #f3f3f3;">The more I fuck and date older guys the more drama and baggage they have. Not to say the same isn’t true with older women...but why not let some hot sweaty 23-year-old guy spank your sweaty ass in a house party and wipe his young cum all over your ass? At least you know his wife isn’t waiting outside or he needs to be running home to relieve his fucking babysitter. You got all night girl...and trust me, he will definitely last.</span><br />
<b><span style="color: #f3f3f3;"><br /></span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #f3f3f3;">Make it work for you!</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #f3f3f3;">There are a lot of older men that think they know everything about fucking a woman. As we all know...all vaginas and women are very different...even I have experienced that! The good thing about a man who may not be as experienced is you are setting him up for success! Not only do you get to show him how you like it without him having a fucking ego problem, but you are setting him up for future ladies. Very much appreciated.</span><br />
<b><span style="color: #f3f3f3;"><br /></span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #f3f3f3;">Sex Sex and More Sex!</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #f3f3f3;">I know plenty of older men that love sex, but typically older more established men have a lot more going on in their lives. Younger dudes are still in college, still trying to make a name for themselves, and can’t get enough pussy. These fucking guys not only last forever...but they will drop whatever they have going on...no matter what it is to come find you and fist you. Tasty.
Be in control of the Booty Call...
Don’t let your young hunk think that he has any control. With younger guys can come a little too much testosterone...so make sure you set up who’s boss early on. Younger men need a little structure when it comes to reliable pussy...so make them chase you, don’t let this dumb fuck try to run the show.</span><br />
<b><span style="color: #f3f3f3;"><br /></span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #f3f3f3;">Do not date them!</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #f3f3f3;">If you are looking for love or to be in a relationship...first...Barf...second...don’t go after the younger men. Nothing EVER comes good from being in a relationship with somebody not only younger than you, but at a maturity level of your dog. Trust me...no matter HOW MANY TIMES they say they are an “old soul” they fucking aren’t. Just keep them for sex. Don’t be a dumb bitch.</span><br />
<b><span style="color: #f3f3f3;"><br /></span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #f3f3f3;">Do NOT hang out with him!</span></b><br />
<span style="color: #f3f3f3;">When you start going to the places he likes to go to...you bring yourself into a situation with younger girls, his friends, and a serious amount of annoyance. Trust me...keep it simple. My house...the woods, or in my car. No...I do not want to drink with you at that stupid fucking college bar. Blow me.</span><br />
<span style="color: #f3f3f3;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="color: #f3f3f3;">Whether you are a cougar, cub, or a puma...get your single slut fucking ass out there and make some bad decisions with some young buck. Trust me...you will wake up with a smile on your face, some bruises, and a little less dignity...but it is ALL WORTH IT. Keep those older guys for when you are ready to settle down, unless they have a lot of money and a big cock of course.</span><br />
<span style="color: #f3f3f3;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="color: #f3f3f3;">Now it is time for a night cap to see that young bartender.</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7358406259173999426.post-17523566250411680912012-01-06T13:01:00.000-08:002012-01-06T13:01:29.467-08:00Fuck a New Years Resolution, Get What You Really Want!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_lmyfBPgNiZNB1R2vAyGEgFlrh1lIWQ28z6QOg8H6LmPXNuTZAlK57ed8icSWw6QDebb6UtAaFPYa-ohpZtVum4srMaCmfhB-VwnBW0ffr-aJJ2pk5cXBJ_phYLTtd7LMcIEwn5rRfc9y/s1600/Vintage-NYE-Wedding.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="134" width="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_lmyfBPgNiZNB1R2vAyGEgFlrh1lIWQ28z6QOg8H6LmPXNuTZAlK57ed8icSWw6QDebb6UtAaFPYa-ohpZtVum4srMaCmfhB-VwnBW0ffr-aJJ2pk5cXBJ_phYLTtd7LMcIEwn5rRfc9y/s200/Vintage-NYE-Wedding.jpg" /></a></div>There is something about getting what I want that makes me feel alive. <br />
<br />
No matter how old you are or how important you think you are... find a way to get what you want this new year. Fuck a stupid New Years Resolution you won't succeed with anyway...figure out how to get fisted by that sexy guy you see at Starbucks every morning.<br />
<br />
There has been many times in my life when I didn’t take no for an answer. Whether it was waiting to get backstage and meet a rockstar, trying to sleep with that sexy mysterious bartender, or finding a way to fuck that British professor with that sick mustache...I always found a way. When I find something I want or when I realize that I can’t sleep another night until I meet that classic rock guitar player...I make it my mission to succeed.<br />
<br />
I believe this motivation is a gift. I never give up...and if it doesn’t work the first time...I pick myself back up off the ground and try harder the next time. As a professional winner and successful backstage charmer, here are a few tips of how to get what you want...especially if there is some serious kinky sex involved.<br />
<br />
Ramblin’s Top 10 ways to get what you want:<br />
<br />
1.) Always look good. Stop leaving the house looking like a sloppy fucking dumb ass. Just because you live in Portland...doesn’t mean you need to look like a goddamn sloppy Oregonian. Take the time to spice it up and set yourself apart.<br />
<br />
2.) Be polite. When you are trying to get what you want from somebody, please and thank you go a very long way. If a girl buys you a drink, say fucking thank you...if a guy buys you dinner...sit on his face. Don’t be an asshole.<br />
<br />
3.) Treat everybody the same. No matter how intimidated you may be by somebody...treat them as you would treat your friends. Even if they may be famous, pretending to stay calm when you are dying inside is a guarantee for anal sex. Trust me.<br />
<br />
4.) Be a chameleon. Know your audience and be flexible to slightly change depending on the circumstances. If you have to watch your dirty mouth because you are trying to fuck a chick from your mother’s church...keep your mouth clean until that girl becomes a real naughty slut.<br />
<br />
5.) Start small but be persistent. If you want to fuck the hottest chick in the room...ask the bartender what she is drinking and leave it on her table with a smile. Don’t do everything at once. Baby steps. Anticipation is another word for foreplay.<br />
<br />
6.) Always be honest. Don’t tell people what they want to hear, always be honest and people will respect you. If you just want to bang a bitch...don’t fucking play games...just tell her what you want.<br />
<br />
7.) Smile and laugh. Not only do people look ugly when they are grumpy (or if they are a woman with a mustache)...but it seriously causes wrinkles! Lighten up and take a shot of whiskey you cranky fuck.<br />
<br />
8.) Always have a goal in mind and stick to it. If you want that amazing job, or you want to ride that hot cowboy...no matter how long it takes to get you there...keep it a goal. Once you have reached that goal, set an even better one. Instead of the cowboy at the bar, maybe working on a professional bull rider or country singer is next.<br />
<br />
9.) Don’t ever hurt anybody along the way. Sometimes we can be fucking cunts...but try to avoid hurting somebody to get what you want. Sometimes it happens naturally, but do what you can to avoid it.<br />
<br />
10.) Always have fun! Life is too short to obsess over something you want and not have fun along the way. The best part of a challenge is the journey. Have fun, get drunk, and have some courtesy fucks along the way...its good karma.<br />
<br />
Now that the Ramblin’ has given you the Top 10 Ways to get what you want. Make me proud and have 2012 the year of you and a year of some serious sex, drugs, and rock and roll! I can’t think of anything more fun!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7358406259173999426.post-1666444799345740352011-10-06T15:09:00.000-07:002011-10-06T15:09:16.764-07:00Being "Ironic" is a red flag for mangina.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvyiIKk9FvJr5Iai-EFoW4_OkgftFRB_4yNlIrIq0_fTmNC81my67YEC8X2LXc4S8X82wY95Wm9VdUKrMVybG4DwtM3WtyMaEkyjdUwNBo9eZ3rUQirE47jTMR7klSP4yf7FNoYPmlmXAh/s1600/hipster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="200" width="162" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvyiIKk9FvJr5Iai-EFoW4_OkgftFRB_4yNlIrIq0_fTmNC81my67YEC8X2LXc4S8X82wY95Wm9VdUKrMVybG4DwtM3WtyMaEkyjdUwNBo9eZ3rUQirE47jTMR7klSP4yf7FNoYPmlmXAh/s200/hipster.jpg" /></a></div>In a city full of straight men wearing skinny jeans, fucking v-necks, and goddamn pussy scarves...a single slut needs a fucking real man check list. Portland woman have become so numb and desensitized from the lack of real men in this city, I have seen some redneck girls like myself accidentally have bathroom sex with a man that may or may not be wearing black rim glasses he bought at Forever 21. Is there really a lack of manly men in this city? Is it the fucking rain stopping men from growing taller and gaining muscle? Is it when PBR became a hipster beer that everything went to shit? I would just like to know why the fuck so many straight Portland men are more feminine than Andy Dick. <br />
<br />
Where have all the Cowboy’s gone? Is Sam Elliot the only one left in this city?<br />
<br />
I have included a list of questions to ask early on in a first conversation with a guy to determine if he is a little fucking bitch and will cry during sex. If he answers either of these questions wrong...I would take a hard long look in the mirror and ask yourself if you really need to get laid that bad. Hey...if he has drugs, lots of money, or you haven’t been fucked in awhile...I won’t judge you. These questions should hopefully help you sleep at night when you lie awake wondering...was it a single mom thing? Was it a public school thing? Are there really just a bunch of fucking bitches in Portland?<br />
<br />
Lucky for you...I have found AND have fucked a few of these rare savage beast men in Portland and I have created checklist to help me cut out the fucking mangina clutter. <br />
<br />
1. Have you ever hunted or fished for your dinner? Can you tell me how long your fishing pole is?<br />
<br />
2. What kind of cologne is that? Did you accidentally put too much on today?<br />
<br />
3. Have you ever driven anything else except for your lesbian Subaru or fucking bicycle? Do you even have a fucking driver’s license?<br />
<br />
4. Have you ever taken a shot of whiskey? What about an Irish Car Bomb?<br />
<br />
5. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Do you shop on NW 23rd at all?<br />
<br />
6. Have you ever used a chain saw? How about a fucking hand saw? <br />
<br />
7. Did you participate in Drama or Choir in high school? (If he says yes...and then proceeds to discuss his four high school years in football...then I'd let it slide...and then have it slide in your ass).<br />
<br />
8. Have you ever changed your own oil, flat tire, or replaced windshield wipers? (If he happens to have a car...fucking manvinga).<br />
<br />
9. Do you spend more than $25 per month on your hair or do you wax on a regular basis? (Waxing his back is one thing...waxing his chest and eyebrows is a red flag for fucking tears during sex).<br />
<br />
10. Do you have a cat? Is it a barn cat or do you brush it and sleep with it every night? <br />
<br />
Dating is never fun, but casual sex sure is! Don’t waste your happy healthy vagina on a piece of shit you will later regret. Trust me...when you wake up to see his bike helmet and find out he lives with his parents...you will wish you took home the guy with the hairy back instead.<br />
<br />
Go out there and join me in making a stand against all the fucking Mangina’s in Portland...and get drunk while doing it.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7358406259173999426.post-70042598578131032292011-05-06T09:38:00.000-07:002011-05-06T09:38:03.403-07:00I know what I need...and I need it fast.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5E-ErHQ2PhFRwJLEilTGcSQ5s6tJGdtO1XVJjzoAbxKzhD6q3VPWfc-3R0qrHwUsM8NXnBQsQ2eN9IZg7eNTacxV2060BYagPe52l7dm7onX5KYPWy0ML2JkAxAVtTCtIoqTtfy7_VvKk/s1600/making+out+in+car.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="160" width="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5E-ErHQ2PhFRwJLEilTGcSQ5s6tJGdtO1XVJjzoAbxKzhD6q3VPWfc-3R0qrHwUsM8NXnBQsQ2eN9IZg7eNTacxV2060BYagPe52l7dm7onX5KYPWy0ML2JkAxAVtTCtIoqTtfy7_VvKk/s200/making+out+in+car.JPG" /></a></div>There is nothing better than having that person that you can call when it’s absolutely urgent to get fucked and you know it will just rock your world. The person who knows you don’t want to change anything else about what you are doing except meeting in a seedy bar and going in their car and banging it out. The sex is so incredible that you have to just call them in the middle of the night for an emergency orgasm. It is so fucking amazing that no matter who you are dating, if you are in a commitment, or you are just single...you need it and you need it fast.<br />
<br />
Who doesn’t want that unattached sex that blows your mind...the sex that when you walk in the door it is fucking on and both of you are so fucking impatient you can’t even get all your clothing off. You can call them anytime, anywhere and you know that there will be hot sweaty sex without any strings attached.<br />
<br />
Everybody needs that person and should have that person right now. You need to have that dirty slut or hot fucker that you barely know who can fuck you like nobody else can. No love making, no meeting the fucking parents, and absolutely no romance. I am talking hot and heavy sex when you want it and as fast as it can happen. No strings attached...just good and marinated and ready to go.<br />
<br />
I know several people that have this person...and often change this person up from time to time. This person shouldn’t be somebody you would take home to mom or somebody you travel in the same social circle with. This person needs to be good looking, has all the right equipment, and knows how to shut their fucking trap. They also need to have reliable transportation so when you want it...you can get it. Trust me from experience...a fucking skateboard just isn’t going to get it done.<br />
<br />
This isn’t a one night stand, this isn’t a friend with benefits situation, and this isn’t a fucking relationship whatsoever. This is a fucking booty call on goddamn <br />
steroids! This is kind of like a reliable cell phone, a stiff martini, an good line of cocaine, and a hot shower... everybody needs one and it has to be quality. <br />
<br />
Stop fucking that person that just doesn’t get it done! If you do find the person that does get you off...it doesn’t always mean you need to have a relationship with them. Sometimes a good fuck when you need it is a perfectly good relationship.<br />
<br />
Start tonight. Go out there and find that person who makes you fucking crazy horny. <br />
<br />
Remember...you don’t want this person so perfect that you will eventually want more than just an urgent telephone call in the middle of the night. You want them dirty, sexy, and to make you fucking cum like nobody else can...even if it is in a porta potty. Hey...I am not one to judge...trust me.<br />
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This is making me crazy...time to dial my booty call on steroids.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7358406259173999426.post-9255386547086268592011-04-15T13:08:00.000-07:002011-04-15T13:08:27.897-07:00Just be honest or throw that pig back into the wild. This isn't a Luau!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaPpoxjlzyH-xxPpF14iH6ATUhwpTgL59db1xuhUuoP0YigjDSKwbK8WrLw1jow5rxUmuv16B8JMV7VV0Glyh8nT_ZvPYWG4OTK_SPGYm5Q-gdSJ_sPSPjW02C6a2nMZXDCn4sXtgfEpbX/s1600/signs-men-cheating-wives-800X800.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="200" width="134" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaPpoxjlzyH-xxPpF14iH6ATUhwpTgL59db1xuhUuoP0YigjDSKwbK8WrLw1jow5rxUmuv16B8JMV7VV0Glyh8nT_ZvPYWG4OTK_SPGYm5Q-gdSJ_sPSPjW02C6a2nMZXDCn4sXtgfEpbX/s200/signs-men-cheating-wives-800X800.jpg" /></a></div>What the fuck is a Hida Hog? The original term of a Hida Hog is a girl that isn’t really up to a guys social standards and keeps her hidden from his friends and acquaintances as she isn’t adequate enough to be in public with him. A hida hog really is only for immediate gratification or a booty call. <br />
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As I totally embrace booty calls, one night stands, fucking somebody ugly, anything that involves equal opportunity fucking…you know I am usually in. I think this term can get a little bit messy. Not only is it unfair to say that only men have a hida hog…I know PLENTY of women that fuck unacceptable men all the time and do not bring them around. <br />
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Here is my fucking problem with a hida hog…typically to keep people around; it is very common for men and for women to be misleading so they can reap the benefits. There is nothing more fucking horribly annoying and disgusting to me than a person who wants to have their fucking cake and eat it too and somebody who is misleading and selfish about sex.<br />
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Why can’t people just say “I just want to fuck you…I am not interested in anything else?” I wish people were more honest about bootie calls and straight forward about what they really want. It is okay to just NOT be into somebody except sex. People have been doing it for years without being misleading or a real fucking dick. Being a hida hog means that the person is just not fucking into you at all…they just want to have sex and haven’t told you so.<br />
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Here are a few signs you may be a hida hog:<br />
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- The person you are fucking only wants to have you at their house or your house or in a place they have no chance of bumping into their social circle or in a situation where they may appear unavailable.<br />
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- You have NEVER met their friends or very few of them. You have never met their family, boss, coworkers…and would never go to any event where these individuals would be around.<br />
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- They are not straight forward about what they really want with you. They tell you they want to take it ONE DAY AT A TIME and see where it goes…and months and months have gone by.<br />
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- They are always doing fun things without you and hanging out with people you have never met.<br />
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- They only text you, IM you, or email you…they never call you in public.<br />
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- If they do spend any time with you…it is usually around you having sex.<br />
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- If they have mentioned what a great friend you or have said they want to work on having a good friendship so the future can be stronger.<br />
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If you aren’t a hida hog…then this person is either in a relationship, they are married, or they are just not fucking into you and you need to either move on…or take the edge off. This is ALWAYS why you should be sleeping with more than one person.<br />
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Dr. Ramblin Broad has a cure for anybody who may start to think they are a hida hog: GO FUCK OTHER PEOPLE! Fuck as many people as you can…and enjoy it. If you happen to get that booty call from the rat bastard or the dumb cunt…fuck them anyway…at least now having the cake and eating it too is fucking fair. Beat them at their own fucking game!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7358406259173999426.post-24471476477691578362011-04-08T11:39:00.000-07:002011-04-08T11:39:47.143-07:00I eat more chicken than any man ever seen…<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJyvvpUi50Om_YUtC8Mu-EE817V-kPuHWL6FYMixP89UdvXJhEePeGPDzenoO55djDWAI7-PI1vonIGLmVW6yvDPy-tWXKQ2fX-jj6WMOjtVDQpTt3Ye4wtmFzchOGNTp6HvLxba5Mo3nz/s1600/lenuki-girl-woman-sexy-sensual-butts-No1-Pix-body-shots-Sexy-Pictures-Pure-Delights-favoriler-TY%25C5%2581ECZKI-senzual-private-Hot-Girl-ass-lingerie-culo-sheer-panties-thongs-erotique-butt_large.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="125" width="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJyvvpUi50Om_YUtC8Mu-EE817V-kPuHWL6FYMixP89UdvXJhEePeGPDzenoO55djDWAI7-PI1vonIGLmVW6yvDPy-tWXKQ2fX-jj6WMOjtVDQpTt3Ye4wtmFzchOGNTp6HvLxba5Mo3nz/s200/lenuki-girl-woman-sexy-sensual-butts-No1-Pix-body-shots-Sexy-Pictures-Pure-Delights-favoriler-TY%25C5%2581ECZKI-senzual-private-Hot-Girl-ass-lingerie-culo-sheer-panties-thongs-erotique-butt_large.jpg" /></a></div>Yes…I want you to be my backdoor man. The term "backdoor man" originally came from a woman cheating on her husband and the other man exiting from the back door. But since the dirty slutty 1960’s it is a double entendre also meaning practicing anal sex.<br />
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I am beginning to find out how many bitches don’t give up the ass…and I mean literally…their asshole. What are they scared of? I have also realized how many dudes actually don’t like something in their ass or anal sex with a woman. Really? Get a hold of your fucking sexuality already! Look…I can understand that it isn’t everybody’s cup of fucking tea…but don’t knock it until you try it.<br />
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If you do it right…anal sex can be rewarding for both partners. There are so many dumb fucking assholes out there that not only don’t know what the fuck they are doing with the vagina…but are so selfish they forget that sex is actually a two way fucking street. If both partners communicate and can laugh and have a good time in bed…then anal sex shouldn't be embarrassing or disgusting.<br />
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Here are a few tips on how to make anal sex work for you and your partner:<br />
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- LUBE LUBE LUBE. Don’t just stick it in without it. No fucking way.<br />
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- The clit is there…fucking use it! Whether or not your lady touches it or you man up and do it yourself…find time to make sure the clitoris is getting attention during this process.<br />
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- As one of my friends so nicely puts it…sometimes you gotta play poop. Don’t be embarrassed…just try to understand your body and have some common sense.<br />
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- Make sure your lady has already cum…there is no back and forth here…once it’s in the brown eye…you can’t go back.<br />
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- Slowly make it happen … inch by inch. Don’t just shove the fucker in!<br />
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- KEEP IT IN…once it is in…keep it there. You can move it around…but try to not completely pull out as frequent as you would if it was a vagina. <br />
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- Make sure the lady feels like she has control of the situation…most woman want to know they can stop at anytime if they need to. <br />
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- I recommend that you don’t watch hardcore porn and think anal sex is just like that. Give me a fucking break already.<br />
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- Wear a condom…I know sometimes a few of us don’t follow that rule….but please try your best.<br />
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Now…man the fuck up and try to expand your horizons or spice things up. I believe you will be thanking me later…so…you are welcome.<br />
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Like my dad always said…you can’t get pregnant if you swallow or take it in the ass. He is such a wise man.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7358406259173999426.post-29573233567811588992011-03-18T09:33:00.000-07:002011-03-18T09:33:35.393-07:00It isn't stranger danger if you are asking for it.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2_V8Er0xd1ITomeCOca1NFqZTZxpL3Q0-5H5_YD-WGK-aAfKb2pQGDMxouZyTsKGqOhGbTkzQanY7AUJKYHR3FnwVUjQtLBj866JKrfKGHJ2IhoZUhEd9Rnanihms35VJDZ8lqV5njFwJ/s1600/one_night_stand.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="200" width="154" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2_V8Er0xd1ITomeCOca1NFqZTZxpL3Q0-5H5_YD-WGK-aAfKb2pQGDMxouZyTsKGqOhGbTkzQanY7AUJKYHR3FnwVUjQtLBj866JKrfKGHJ2IhoZUhEd9Rnanihms35VJDZ8lqV5njFwJ/s200/one_night_stand.jpg" /></a></div>Nothing helps you get over a dumb cunt or a fucking dickhead more than getting on top of somebody else. I don’t mean fucking your goddamn exes or getting yourself back into more drama than you already have…I am talking some good old fashion STRANGE. One, two, or multiple STRANGE opportunities can really build the ego and get you right back on track after a break up.<br />
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There is something about fucking somebody in the bathroom of a bar…or getting your hair pulled by somebody you just met minutes ago that really makes a person feel special. Waking up next to somebody you just met at your neighborhood bar and staring at them wondering what their name is can be such a delightful feeling. Who doesn’t love calling their friends up the next morning and talking about the random sex they scored…I know I do! <br />
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Some people may say therapy works, or a “how Stella got her groove back” vacation to clear your mind will help. FUCK THAT SHIT. I say fuck a different person every night…hell…fuck multiple people every night. I swear…after a few weeks…you will be drama free. Books on tape and draining your friends with conversations are a waste of time. Sunshine and margaritas…although fucking awesome…is just a temporary distraction. <br />
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Strange is like going to a new restaurant or trying a new beer. If you like it…you can get it again. If you don’t, then you can just try something else on for size. <br />
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Here are a few tips on how to handle some strange:<br />
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Strange does NOT mean your exes, your friends exes, people you know have a boyfriend or girlfriend, married folks, and surly not your boss. Trust me…this shit gets fucking messy and makes you feel worse.<br />
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The less questions the better. Don’t fucking worry about what somebody does for a living, or if they have kids, past relationships, and what their fucking last name is. Shut your fucking trap and get a good pounding already.<br />
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Stop playing fucking games. No flirting…just say it like it is. I want to fuck you…and I want to fuck you right now. The stupid bitches or dumb fucking dudes that don’t appreciate that…are usually the worst in bed anyway. Skip a cold fish…it isn’t healthy for anybody.<br />
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Drugs and Alcohol always make some strange way more fun. A few lines or shots off body parts really spice things up. <br />
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Only give them your number if the sex blew your mind and they are aware you only want a bootie call down the road…nobody needs somebody with hearts shooting out of their eyes.<br />
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Use nicknames instead of real names. Each new strange needs a nickname like: The Sunglass Guy, Beer Guy, Marilyn look-a-like, rapper wannabe...catch my drift? It makes telling your stories so much more delightful…and nicknames are easier to remember.<br />
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Last but very not least…in the words of my man Kid Rock…“I don't wanna be your friend...I wanna fuck you like I'm never gonna see you again”…because hopefully you won’t.<br />
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Tonight…I am on the hunt. Watch out Portland…I need some serious strange.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7358406259173999426.post-12513371192299880482011-01-27T09:41:00.001-08:002011-01-27T10:35:35.751-08:00Don’t give me no lines and keep your hands to yourself…<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyoUmleXuSYhwVitXD3eqnP6GaICt8KmlKBBSp5lOwrY-eM8W4vumc9V9tWMcaNipPgvNJsHWI3rjhgYZ09fFXr31ZxtR236xK25_wDJHh8Kmu6FDyMEnSl9McFoVnd6wUUQ1wcu6AF7HZ/s1600/clingy-woman.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 182px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyoUmleXuSYhwVitXD3eqnP6GaICt8KmlKBBSp5lOwrY-eM8W4vumc9V9tWMcaNipPgvNJsHWI3rjhgYZ09fFXr31ZxtR236xK25_wDJHh8Kmu6FDyMEnSl9McFoVnd6wUUQ1wcu6AF7HZ/s200/clingy-woman.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5566925622842171314" /></a>There are too many people worried about their future love life than getting fucking porked and having multiple sex partners. These people are focused on creating a marriage, having children, going to church, and wearing mom jeans. You know, the real fucking “important” things in life. <br /><br />From the day we are all born society has set a moralistic stage for what a man and a woman are expected to achieve. When is the right time bust your cherry, get married, fucking squeeze a few out? These pressures can get to a point where grown ass men and women begin to desperately obsess. <br /><br />Desperate is never a good look no matter who you are. <br /><br />It is so obvious when fucking people have marriage and babies on the mind. Really…you wonder why you can’t get more than two fucking dates out of somebody? Check your fucking dreams of baggage at the goddamn door. Who really wants to fuck a dumb bitch that is most likely skipping her birth control and won’t let you cum on her tits or in her ass?<br /><br />Since I am the anti-love, the man-eater, the twisted fucking sister, and the lust obsessed…I can see desperate a mile away. Desperate can come in all different shapes and sizes…<br /><br />Here are my top five warnings that you need to run and run fucking fast.<br /><br />- When a date wants to know if you are “exclusive” before your asshole has ever hit their face. <br /><br />- If a first date asks if you are willing and able to conceive…I would pack your own jimmies for this crazy.<br /><br />- When you give your number to somebody and they call you more than once in the same night. Watch your rearview mirror. <br /><br />- If a date shows you more pictures of their nieces and nephews than their genitals, you need to take a goddamn hint.<br /><br />- Any mention of their age, wasting time, and any horror stories of their exes will result in early talks of commitment. <br /><br />I am not trying to put down anybody who has these aspirations in life; they should just understand how damn desperate they appear when it isn’t happening fast enough. Take your time, enjoy being single, and have as much sex as humanly possible. When you do get shacked up in a marriage with kids… you will wish you could go back and have the life you didn’t take advantage of. <br /><br />Stop believing every person you meet is the one.<br />Stop wondering what your kids will look like with a first date.<br />Stop dating only “marriage material”…you never know whom you will pass up.<br /><br />This makes me want to fucking punch myself in the mouth while watching 16 and pregnant, and taking shots of whiskey.<br /><br /><iframe title="YouTube video player" class="youtube-player" type="text/html" width="640" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/PdpAop7gp0w" frameborder="0" allowFullScreen></iframe>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7358406259173999426.post-75210417891505475692010-12-17T10:50:00.000-08:002010-12-17T11:40:19.875-08:00Don't underestimate the power of mistletoe...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhljq2bM1WHe7UMuUBEiDrFMTemkAPrsCfz5N_i8_YGhh6oRIRLNbp_tf9Gz2aDGUb0DZNlzXx5c19IIRyEN3DiyoaDpFral-g_NWJtumxkL7-BUg4deNI0Nmg_SiIQOIg9Q_xK6sftij4a/s1600/xmaskissDM0910_468x522.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 180px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhljq2bM1WHe7UMuUBEiDrFMTemkAPrsCfz5N_i8_YGhh6oRIRLNbp_tf9Gz2aDGUb0DZNlzXx5c19IIRyEN3DiyoaDpFral-g_NWJtumxkL7-BUg4deNI0Nmg_SiIQOIg9Q_xK6sftij4a/s200/xmaskissDM0910_468x522.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5551726518351717698" /></a> I can’t fucking stand the holidays. People pretending to be happy in relationships and a marriage just to “get through” the holidays, overbearing mom jeans wearing bell earrings rushing through the grocery stores, and those fucking horrible jewelry commercials that make me want to literally scratch my eyeballs out and have somebody take a shit in my sockets. <br /><br />The holidays do not make anybody feel warm and fuzzy. Don’t bitches know that those jewelry commercials are directed to men with mistresses? What real man goes and buys something that nice for the woman who bitches all the time and doesn’t suck his cock? Then you have a woman who buys a workbench or some fucking stupid sweater, when all he wanted was the new Gran Turismo to escape her bitch ass.<br /><br />The holidays are full of disappointment! You are forced to see the family you hate, and end up broke and ten pounds heavier when the first of the year comes around. Who really wants to spend days hearing about why you aren’t married with kids or why you aren’t more successful after all the money your parents spent on college? Who really wants to be forced to be “with” somebody just because they don’t want to be alone during the holidays?<br /><br />FUCK THAT SHIT. I am having a holiday intervention with you mother fuckers who are guilty as charged.<br /><br />This holiday season I want you to get fucked up. Fuck as many people at holiday parties you aren’t related to, spend your gift money on drugs, and if you have to spend time with your family…bring a fucking flask! <br /><br />Here are a few tips to get you into the fucking spirit:<br /><br />- Instead of spending time and energy on that white elephant gift, share an eight ball with them...how much more white can that be?<br /><br />- Keep mistletoe on you at all times. Who can resist?<br /><br />- Drink during the day. Every morning in your coffee put a shot of something to keep you warm on your drive to work…it makes traffic less stressful.<br /><br />- After a family dinner, take your cousins from out of town to a goddamn strip club and show them what pussy and Portland is really about.<br /><br />- Don’t bring a date to any party you go to…you never know who you might want shag in the coat closet..<br /><br />- Go and enjoy every holiday specialty cocktail in town. I highly recommend going to Huber’s and then taking a taxi home…you will need it.<br /><br />- Give the gift of alcoholism. Everybody likes booze for Christmas.<br /><br />- When the New Year rolls in…kiss as many people as possible in the room. Attached or not…everybody is allowed a free-for-all kiss when the clock strikes midnight.<br /><br /><br />Have a fucking safe and drunk holiday season! As a present to me, I would appreciate at least one good porking to end 2010 on a high note…and then don’t take their number when you leave.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7358406259173999426.post-66342241607660858452010-12-10T09:01:00.000-08:002010-12-10T09:46:09.993-08:00Some men are about as smooth as a razor blade...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfvjH7bVdANU3lwh6hkOAr-QadV17FWV6voHkkubZErFrdhgvKCvvDMkHO2QJ4-8D0L3hdHMe3rhBjovW6xLlxT4faMGuMtp3j2JFnKFe5nRRkyxK13PLtagkWe84F0fZ9empxzrRm3pAQ/s1600/pittsburghfan4371_17514_10018.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 153px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfvjH7bVdANU3lwh6hkOAr-QadV17FWV6voHkkubZErFrdhgvKCvvDMkHO2QJ4-8D0L3hdHMe3rhBjovW6xLlxT4faMGuMtp3j2JFnKFe5nRRkyxK13PLtagkWe84F0fZ9empxzrRm3pAQ/s200/pittsburghfan4371_17514_10018.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5549106787316669986" /></a>Within the past few years I have come to the conclusion that most men these days have completely lost their balls. What happened to a guy trying to get laid by flirting with you in person instead of sending text messages? Fuck your text messages you cock sucker! I am not sending you a “pic” so you can jerk off to it. I will fuck your face if you can actually be man enough to say you want to see me in person.<br /><br />My definition of a real man is one that works hard. Works hard in his job, works hard on his social life, and most of all…works hard on getting fucked. A man shouldn’t get paid at his job for sitting around sticking his thumb up his ass should he? Then why is it socially acceptable for a grown ass man to just assume a bitch is going to fuck him without even asking to see her? <br /><br />Do some men really think any acceptable female will swoon when he asks HER to buy HIM a drink? Are you fucking serious? You think I am going to literally suck your nuts because I bought YOU a drink? Yes, this has honestly happened to me. I had a dude text me and ask when am I going to ask HIM out and when am I going to buy HIM a drink? Needless to say, he hasn’t seen my tits.<br /><br />Let me be clear...it isn’t the purchasing of a drink that is the problem. I have bought many rounds of beers for tables full of hot guys, I have always offered to go dutch at all my dates, I have bought drinks for girls with great tits, and I have also exchanged whiskey for oral sex. Most women these days can buy their own fucking shit. We want to be treated like a lady and not a fucking whore. Women want to be treated like a whore while you are fucking her, not while you are trying to fuck her.<br /><br />If you want to get laid, you have to do the legwork you fucking pussy.<br /><br />1. Talk to us or call us…don’t fucking send text messages like Brett Favre.<br />2. Getting us face to face is half the battle. Make sure you nail down a time and a place. Be the one to ask to see her…If you want to fuck us, you need to ask us.<br />3. Be persistent. Persistency pays off with a hot sex, or anal if you are lucky.<br />4. Be a gentleman even if you are a fucking douche bag deep down inside. Offer to buy a drink, open the door, or light her goddamn cigarette…a little goes a long way.<br />5. Don’t play games. Most women I know like unattached sex. If all you want is to fuck, say so! Women appreciate honesty, it turns us on.<br /><br />Recap: Don’t ever fucking ask a chick when she is going to take your fucking sorry ass out. Not only will you never get pussy, but you will get a bad reputation real fast…woman talk. Trust me. Ask her out, then split the bill. Don’t be a fucking child.<br /><br />Now I am going to go buy myself a drink and maybe the woman sitting next to me. I can only assume I will get lucky.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7358406259173999426.post-64189221401597508142010-12-02T09:32:00.000-08:002010-12-02T10:08:58.332-08:00There is nothing more pathetic than an office slut...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8H9wjFjgHLQviNvyJ91Lfqk__JNiMZnHlWGmhpd6euuRZWmZdBXP6EaTWOB-0aHic44-QiWd6GOkZuu3yze5R8uTY5iANZ0HYD6M8dQnVKZmkHpNRfRG4A9NCDt2hLfnhWq5_jd1niab2/s1600/office%252Bbitch.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 136px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8H9wjFjgHLQviNvyJ91Lfqk__JNiMZnHlWGmhpd6euuRZWmZdBXP6EaTWOB-0aHic44-QiWd6GOkZuu3yze5R8uTY5iANZ0HYD6M8dQnVKZmkHpNRfRG4A9NCDt2hLfnhWq5_jd1niab2/s200/office%252Bbitch.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5546146042354787138" /></a>Are you the office slut?<br /><br />Let me clarify.<br /><br />In the good old days, you could fuck your boss or your secretary, go home and lead a totally separate life. That's the way its meant to be. You could also smoke at your desk and have a bottle of whiskey open all day long. In the good old days bitches didn’t go cry in the bathroom because their hot office fuck didn’t give them the time of day during a meeting, and they sure as fuck didn’t hang around in the mother fuckers cubical all day giggling and twirling their hair like a fucking high school cheerleader.<br /><br />An office slut is like a public water fountain… Walk up, push the right button and she’ll quench your thirst. But its all wrong. Nobody actually wants to admit they use a public water fountain.<br /><br />There is nothing sexier than getting fingerbanged in the copy room or getting a blowjob under your desk. Who doesn’t love a good parking up against the vending machine or maybe a quick lip lock in the elevator? If you are really good…like myself, you can get a hot quickie done in 8 floors on the elevator. No panty Thursday is your friend!<br /><br />Most office sluts are not only obnoxious and pathetic, but they have no idea what people actually think of them. These bitches runs their mouth about their office fuck and use it to gain attention, mind fuck others, and use it as an excuse to roll up in a ball on the floor crying asking “Why me?"...you did it to yourself you dumb cunt.<br /><br />Do yourself a favor and SHUT YOUR SLUT MOUTH!<br /><br />An office gangbang is supposed to be kept private, which is what makes it so goddamn fun! Nobody is trying to get a relationship out of the deal, or worse...get married!<br /><br />Yes, I know multiple stupid bitches that do seriously date within the office, like its fucking high school or something. One time…you learn, second time…you are stupid, the third time you date a guy from work, you are an office slut. Are you that fucking desperete that you can’t find guys to date outside of work? Just because a guy at work fucks you, doesn’t mean you are meeting his family or moving in with him!<br /><br />The Ramblin Broad Constitution clearly establishes the separation between Work and Date.<br /><br />Don’t get me wrong…there are smart women out there in the professional world who can get their job done, fuck a few people in the office, and go home and not think twice about it. Men on the other hand have this built within…there isn’t many men begging an office fuck to meet his friends or let alone move in with him. If there is a guy you know doing this, stop fucking him immediately, he is most likely trying to get fired or get out of his marriage.<br /><br />An office slut, a.k.a. the train wreck, a hot mess you can’t help watch crash and burn, is such great entertainment and an awesome source of gossip. The most dramatic, ball baby bitches tend to end up an office slut and then fuck up by let their lips flap. And not just the meat curtains…<br /><br />My advice…fuck whoever you want at work but keep your goddamn trap shut! If you continue to date within the workplace and tell everybody about it, you need to fucking get on a stripper pole and get over your goddamn daddy issues already. If you don't, nobody will ever take you seriously again.<br /><br />Now keep those office flings hot and your panties wet.<br /><br />I am going to get back to work. It is after all...No Panty Thursday. What drawer did I put that whiskey in?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7358406259173999426.post-11553846631421441632010-11-17T10:24:00.000-08:002010-11-17T11:30:26.890-08:00I sure wish PDA stood for Pussy Dick and Ass.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGE0IT_V7muBg40nbBkdUKtF1DTdlqc-2D1uuOY2sC0Bt1OY_RTKapMHd7aiwsBPRnG5V18hoRtzJkalAU9WDoW20FINz5tIgkfgcE1wrx1nJrIe_mwU68qZd-DcU92NnR6ySZEhMZP-ww/s1600/piraro_smith_pda.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 134px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGE0IT_V7muBg40nbBkdUKtF1DTdlqc-2D1uuOY2sC0Bt1OY_RTKapMHd7aiwsBPRnG5V18hoRtzJkalAU9WDoW20FINz5tIgkfgcE1wrx1nJrIe_mwU68qZd-DcU92NnR6ySZEhMZP-ww/s200/piraro_smith_pda.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5540599855134036034" /></a>There is nothing more disgusting to me than any sort of public displays of affection.<br /><br />When I am trying to get my drink on and turn around at the bar to a slimy guido putting<br />his hand up his bump-it girlfriends skirt…I want to fucking puke. When I see two fucking hipsters walking down the street holding hands and stopping to swap spit…I want to move to another city. When I am victim to two fucking middle aged fat people in MY sports bar playing grab ass in front of the big screen, I want to take them down like a line backer.<br /><br />Look…we have all been there. I have been the girl who has sucked face in a booth at BOG then proceeded to get finger banged at the rack of Union Jacks all in one night. It was no panties Thursday for Christ sake…at least I was fucking shit canned to the point I pissed myself...and that's not even a good enough excuse!<br /><br />Even though sometimes the sauce can get the better of you…just remember that it isn’t okay for you to suck face in public! Dear GOD...I can't believe fuckers do it sober! Any person I have ever dated, or fucked, has known that I do not want you to put your fucking paws all over me,let alone hold my fucking hand. God…that might make it look like I am committed or something!<br /><br />I don’t give a shit if you just got hitched, just broke up, it's your once a month "Mom Jeans Night Out", or worse need attention because of your fucking daddy issues...get a GODDAMN room already, or at least, take it to the bathroom stall like I do. There are sexy ways to show you want to bone somebody and it doesn’t have to be done in front of multiple innocent victims who are forced to see your slimy stiff tongue reaching down some randos throat.<br /><br />Coffee shops, restaurants, bars, or even walking down the street…keep your fucking mouth and dry humping to yourself. Nobody thinks it’s cute, or romantic. I don’t give a fuck if you think you are in love…most likely one of the two is fucking somebody else anyway and is currently infecting you with some sort of STD they just picked up.<br /><br />If I wanted to watch two people get it on, I would rather watch porn or go to the swingers club. At least I can see some bitch’s asshole and a dude with real hair on his chest. <br /><br />I mean riddle me this... Which would you rather watch?<br /><br />a. Two people sucking face.<br /><br />b. Two people fucking.<br /><br />c. Three or more people fucking.<br /><br />Hit me in the bathroom stall... I mean in the comment area and quit with your fucking PDA’s already…Its turning me into an alcoholic.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7358406259173999426.post-90878947674528733012010-10-22T09:10:00.000-07:002010-10-22T09:18:52.840-07:00The scariest thing on Halloween is not getting laid.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6G9zikkbxxhCJwOMmigL9g8ZMXqnoX-BlwZ2KT8OWfp1UYo0aGz-qyCfDm8bsWsORAaTP4kv1_2jVmfOvsx0ld7Id7Ithl5W8fNoEN2fMyfnwa1UHIL952e6ZeFPq6LDHlmp_90n7N0ub/s1600/3055594658_c457494035.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 133px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6G9zikkbxxhCJwOMmigL9g8ZMXqnoX-BlwZ2KT8OWfp1UYo0aGz-qyCfDm8bsWsORAaTP4kv1_2jVmfOvsx0ld7Id7Ithl5W8fNoEN2fMyfnwa1UHIL952e6ZeFPq6LDHlmp_90n7N0ub/s200/3055594658_c457494035.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5530904000857508674" /></a> Halloween is the time of year to be a huge whore. It is a time to bend over a trick and snort some treats. Who ever said this holiday was for children? <br /><br />I must be getting old, because the last fucking thing I want to do is hang out with a bunch of mom-jeans with their one wild night out, straight guys pretending not to be homosexuals, and fucking stupid couple costumes! I hate the thought of fighting the crowds and waiting in line for a weak ass drink and fussing with my jugs all night. The one thing that makes all of this bearable is the whorefest that Halloween has become.<br /><br />Not only is this the best night for an ugly dude to wear a mask and actually score, but the tits and asses are out and about like high school girls at a frat party. I just love me some naughty nurses, tasty devils, and please give me a good old fashion cheerleader. Chicks are so fucking easy on Halloween, no matter who they really are, they are marinated and ready for some role-playing. It is the one time of year every dumb ass bitch is ready to get porked by whatever dude gives attention to the slutty Rainbow Brite costume. If Rainbow Brite really looked like that and had those fucking thigh highs, my father would have never made me change the channel to good old Matlock.<br /><br />Smart men, and not the kind that slip a mick, should be going to every douchy bar they can make it to before getting cut off. Bitches love to get wild with their glittery eyelashes and stripper shoes…its like somehow they aren’t really the same person behind the mask. Speaking of masks, you can even tap a butter face for that matter! It’s not like you can see what she really looks like, just make sure you send her in a cab before the paint wares off (it will be the best $15 you have ever spent).<br /><br />Ladies, this is the time to really take advantage of spreading your legs and meeting Mr. Right Now, and then doing the walk of shame in your French maid costume. It is not however the time to fucking find Mr. Please Get Me Preggers because I am 31 and dying for a baby! Go out and have fun, let your hair down, throw on some thigh highs, and pack your own jimmies! When you are in your fifties going through the change, you will look back and wish you took advantage of your not so saggy tits and moist vagina.<br /><br />I challenge each and every one of you to go out there and make this the hottest, wettest, stickiest Halloween ever! I recommend a male costume of a ping-pong player, that way you can tap a bitch’s bottom ever so lightly and get away with it. I also recommended for a lady costume Roller Girl. Something about the pigtails, skates, tube socks, and a lollipop makes every man believe he’s Dirk Diggler.<br /><br />I for one will be roller-skating around Portland buying hot cheerleaders Irish car bombs and sampling lollipops.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7358406259173999426.post-36736012496939144762010-09-17T08:41:00.000-07:002010-09-17T09:06:45.404-07:00The leads are weak!? You’re weak.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_VAxmzfv1dFMX6r2zHnblXoiVk0o4Q6O7uVRL4gzyWLTulxHh_Ey7qw-7fwhiJQQYiLhK7RSKmS9kY8KAIF9x7PiRZgXv5qjGgrqOIVcbB515f7AFrSjfd3hJlhVoOaW-1uQNT3xiAhtc/s1600/VintageWomanOnPhone.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_VAxmzfv1dFMX6r2zHnblXoiVk0o4Q6O7uVRL4gzyWLTulxHh_Ey7qw-7fwhiJQQYiLhK7RSKmS9kY8KAIF9x7PiRZgXv5qjGgrqOIVcbB515f7AFrSjfd3hJlhVoOaW-1uQNT3xiAhtc/s200/VintageWomanOnPhone.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5517908521729526882" /></a> Every man and woman should be getting fucked on a regular basis, regardless of your relationship status. If your significant other isn’t getting it done, or you have gone days in your single life without ...your little black book should be activated.<br /><br />I am consistently shocked when my friends, especially women, complain about not getting laid. What the fuck is the problem? Haven’t you heard of a goddamn backup? Contingency plan? Plan B? Haven’t you been to a Karaoke bar or bowling recently? Who lets themselves go without? I would be a hot fucking mess if I didn’t have some rough sex and a stiff drink on a consistent basis. <br /><br />Stop deleting phone numbers, even if the that fucking dumb cunt stopped calling you, or that douche bag fucked your friend instead…who knows when you will need a little pick me up? My phone and email contacts are filled more with booty calls than family, friends, and work…why isn’t yours?<br /><br />I say each person should have at the VERY least a top ten dial-to-fuck. Number one being the most convenient and least committal. Number ten being a good shag, but only in desperate measures. Fuck, I have not only my top ten dial-to-fuck, but I also have dial-to-fucks in other cities and other countries, and just to be safe my AAA team. Literally, AAA team…cause they each know how to swing their goddamn stick.<br /><br />There is no excuse for wining and crying about not having a porkfest. You should be able to pick up your fucking phone on a cold lonely night and have fun, commitment free, hot sweaty anal sex. If you are masturbating quite too often to porn or even more desperate True Blood…you need to take a long look at your contact list and start fucking dialing for nookie. <br /><br />I know some of you may be pretty pathetic and haven’t been filling your little black book since grade school like I have, so here is a few tips to help.<br /><br />- Prospecting isn’t just for sales people. Each time you are out getting a coffee, going for a quick run, shopping at the grocery store, or fucking getting your oil changed…make an attempt to get a goddamn email, facebook friend request, business card, or if you are a pimp…a cell phone number! Nobody says you need to have a fucking relationship…most of the time people want a drink and a roll in the hay.<br /><br />- Start hitting up older friends, friendly exes, coworkers, acquaintance, your acquaintance exes, and if your really desperate social networking buddies. Just send friendly messages letting them know you are thinking about them…and keep their information! You never know when a few friendly messages could turn into a drink or fuck invite.<br /><br />- Become overly friendly. Start building that cold call list of yours by randomly talking to that hot bitch waiting to pay her tab at the bar, or that hunky stud waiting for the bathroom. Random people in random places are more open to chat than in their social circle. Being bold and friendly gets you a free pass to fuck or get fucked in the face.<br /><br />As soon as you start building a better prospecting list, start testing them out when you get home from the bar. Everybody knows when they are getting booty called; the ones that respond are keepers!<br /><br />Stop deleting numbers, and keep a top ten dial-to-fuck list in your phone, on your desktop, or posted on your fucking bathroom mirror. There is no excuse for this behavior…sex is meant to be fun…not dramatic and about commitment. Barf.<br /><br />I think I will rummage through the ole black book tonight and give a few out. Friends do share ya know.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7358406259173999426.post-41837240935873152252010-09-02T11:08:00.000-07:002010-09-02T11:15:24.318-07:00Hangin' out the passenger side of his best friend's ride…<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhegTlHv4OrotzNkOF1NCTNWv5rZkHhbL07hcJTh-ThGtSwLt64yTLU4dEbHponEuL85ReLamjfjz2hAyIoJzl0rVyYARn7P9VNNIGT9X8OnlJHDmOhyphenhyphenMbHlie65us13gQRVqyGRlq98qGz/s1600/mr_db99abebf26ce5.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 132px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhegTlHv4OrotzNkOF1NCTNWv5rZkHhbL07hcJTh-ThGtSwLt64yTLU4dEbHponEuL85ReLamjfjz2hAyIoJzl0rVyYARn7P9VNNIGT9X8OnlJHDmOhyphenhyphenMbHlie65us13gQRVqyGRlq98qGz/s200/mr_db99abebf26ce5.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5512380503133147730" /></a> Not only have men these days become giant vaginas and can’t even give their own car an oil change, but also in today’s economy they can’t even afford fucking car insurance.<br /><br />Would you date a guy without a job…or worse without any money? <br /><br />To be fair, it is tough to find a job right now, and even guys with huge swinging cocks are getting laid off. Do those guys really expect to get a date or laid for that matter?<br /><br />I am such a drunk, that sometimes I don’t even care what the fuck a dude does for a living, as long as he can afford to buy me a stiff drink. Dating is all about entertainment, drinks, food, and sex…and you can’t get any of those for free. It still amazes me when a grown ass man thinks he can fuck a bitch without even taking her for cheap happy hour! Where have all the real men gone? Is Donald Draper the only one left?<br /><br />Most of the chicks I know have their own jobs, make their own goddamn money…but still expect a man to treat her like a lady. Broke ass motherfuckers need not apply! If you don’t have cash to pay for at least part of the bill, don’t expect to fucking get laid. Even if you have good looks and charm, women aren’t stupid and can spot a scrub a mile away. It seems like there are more lazy dudes out there riding in their friends Mercedes, pretending to have something they don’t. We know you take public transportation you douche, and no…we won’t give you a ride home after our date! <br /><br />Even men need to start having financial dating standards. Who wants to take a broke bitch out who can’t even pay for tampons? What…you can’t take your clothes off to make ends meet? At least a fucking stripper or a whore has more class than that dumb bitch. I would rather have my bills paid and suck a dick for money than wonder around like a hopeless cunt. Women like this are STILL getting “accidentally” knocked up so they don’t have to work. Pussy is not that magical for you to not wear a condom or believe she really takes the pill.<br /><br />I am not a woman who has ever really been about dating men with money, but as I get older, I realize it is a very good quality. I BEG TO ALL OF YOU…Please stop enabling these dumb ass people! If a dude can’t buy you a drink, do you think he deserves a blowjob? If a dumb bitch doesn’t have a job and has three hungry kids at home, do you really think she just wants to have sex and no relationship? Wake the fuck up! Dating is about having a good time and not being talked into paying someone’s cable bill. <br /><br />Ladies! That being said, if you have a rare moment when a guy buys you a steak dinner and you don’t give him road head…I will personally find you and throw human feces on your dirty slut face. Just like you deserve.<br /><br />Now…who is taking me for a whiskey tonight? I am feeling a little mouthy if you know what I mean.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7358406259173999426.post-52037007545582219102010-08-13T09:42:00.000-07:002010-08-13T10:02:01.144-07:00Crazy Bitch or Psycho Hose Beast?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhG1H8kxiqUEjCpUlkzeTk0BSFGKxHKSXSe1tXP63e0KCO5UJHr-g4L0FrDw2F1RYp1LNyFadlYdujb9btnEQcHpzZAYcbDPWzKwLsKOWfGYSyK5wVUsJv1h2H7N7GVsZ4dEooP_Ylo9hpr/s1600/Crazy-woman-screaming.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 151px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhG1H8kxiqUEjCpUlkzeTk0BSFGKxHKSXSe1tXP63e0KCO5UJHr-g4L0FrDw2F1RYp1LNyFadlYdujb9btnEQcHpzZAYcbDPWzKwLsKOWfGYSyK5wVUsJv1h2H7N7GVsZ4dEooP_Ylo9hpr/s200/Crazy-woman-screaming.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5504939291185268578" /></a> Some of us women have had our fair share of horrible break ups, terrible fights, and a crush you can never make your own. We have also had “the one that got away”, and have also been “the crazy one” in an heated moment from time to time.<br /><br />I was so upset after a break up in high school I swore I would never recover. I used to scream down the hallways at his new girlfriend and made both their lives a living hell. Soon I realized what a fucking loser that guys is, and that acting like that WAS SO high school and should STAY in high school.<br /><br />A lot of women I know are nuts, but in a good way. They fuck like wild animals, have awesome drunken stories, fingerbang strippers, and they get in heated football arguments against very large men. ‘Good Crazy’ is being upset after a break up and forgetting about it by screwing a basketball team or having a bonfire with a few old pictures and a bottle of whiskey. These women only sometimes make you concerned about your safety, but you still want to fuck them upside down.<br /><br />Nothing tops a real psycho bitch.<br /><br />This bitch makes multiple calls to her boyfriend or ex-boyfriend when he is out with his friends and is listening for any sign of a woman in the background. This bitch also cries each and every time he goes to a strip club and gets upset when he sits next to another woman in a cube at work.<br /><br />This crazy cunt will also take things to the next level by slowly driving by her boyfriends or ex-boyfriends house to see if there is another car in the driveway, calls the cops and claims false physical abuse, or slashes tires and spray paints a mother fuckers car.<br /><br />What the fuck is wrong with this picture? If you act like this…you need to go to fucking therapy to control your goddamn daddy issues!<br /><br />Here are some other signs you are a ‘Psycho Hose Beast'…<br /><br />1. If you are DAILY searching a mother fuckers facebook to see who they are tagged in pictures with and read all of their friends walls to see what he is up to.<br /><br />2. If you are driving by your old boyfriends house, work, favorite bars, and each of his friend’s house to see a glimpse of him or whom he may be with.<br /><br />3. If you are still telling people you are in a relationship with a dude that already broke up with you and has moved on (you are what I like to call “A Stacey”), why don’t you just buy him a fucking gun rack already!<br /><br />4. If you are so obsessed with what your ex is doing years later and you can’t stop stalking him or haven’t slept with somebody else in order to move on, you are pretty pathetic.<br /><br />I beg to all guys out there, dump that bitch fast if she is showing signs of ‘Psycho Crazy’ and not ‘Good Crazy’. Unfortunately for most dudes, you are too fucking stupid to tell until you are in jail for something you didn’t do.<br /><br />I beg to all girlfriends of a bitch like this….friends don’t let friends become Tonya Harding! She might end up fucking your dad and then throwing a hubcap at you! Tell your friend she is being seriously crazy…it can only make her life better.<br /><br />I beg to the goddamn Psycho Crazy Hose Beast’s out there, move the fuck on already! Start fucking somebody else, get some fucking confidence, or become that stripper you always wanted to be. It is not okay to be like this forever. Sometimes shit makes us crazy, but you need to admit your problems and move the fuck forward!<br /><br />Fuck…this makes me want to get drunk and yell at somebody.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7358406259173999426.post-29725897939378826372010-08-03T09:20:00.000-07:002010-08-03T09:49:21.530-07:00Watermelon cools you off on a hot sticky summer night...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmSvgyRA9VqA9IjI63QPXMwFzpRZ1Q6zZddajPlSwfAc_fKqKNpFCAK3oSm74vsvXWc6TDWW4vZ8cv9Lp9LNbgIixZiElAoRmNeknwTc-X5xwkz-UYZLMn_86r-HQ4Rp4xXcfjEVjI9H0o/s1600/christina-hendricks-watermelon.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmSvgyRA9VqA9IjI63QPXMwFzpRZ1Q6zZddajPlSwfAc_fKqKNpFCAK3oSm74vsvXWc6TDWW4vZ8cv9Lp9LNbgIixZiElAoRmNeknwTc-X5xwkz-UYZLMn_86r-HQ4Rp4xXcfjEVjI9H0o/s200/christina-hendricks-watermelon.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5501225400776277010" /></a> There is nothing better than making a hot day even hotter. What good is summer without a little roll in the hay…literally?<br /> <br />Summer isn’t over yet, and there is still time to make up for the lack of sex you have had. Don’t make me name names, but if you are doing nothing but giving a hand job in a tent this summer, you either need to be slipped an Ambien, or wake the fuck up! Summer is for sex, sex, and more sex. Why do you think over half of marriages and relationships end before summer? People want to play and not be locked into a goddamn commitment. <br /><br />Living in Portland there are so many options for getting good and fucked in the open air. Here is my suggested list of hot dates that could lead to good oral stimulation in the grass.<br /> <br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Taste what I have in my mouth!</span><br />A little wine tasting or beer tasting is always a fun way to get outside, get drunk, and get a little action in the valley. Hiding in the vines is sexy and you can put grapes in places you never have before.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;"><br />If the monkeys can do it, why can’t I?</span><br />Nothing says sex like the Zoo. What would a date be without than watching animals jerk off and wipe their cum on leaves? Go find an area outside of the lion den to get busy, and make sure to go later when mom jeans and the fucking kid factory has left.<br /> <br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">I know I am Goth, but what are you?</span><br />There is nothing more sick and twisted than getting the shocker in a dingy quiet cemetery as you lean over grandpa Big Johnson’s grave stone. I’ve got stories Stephen King would masturbate to.<br /> <br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Skinny-dipping isn’t just for country kids!</span><br />Take a moment and hit the Sandy River. There are plenty of areas around the beaches where you can strip it off and be one with nature. I say you haven’t been fucked hard until it has been in the middle of the rapids on a hot rock!<br /> <br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">It is time to be a tree hugger.</span><br />Those fucking hippies don’t have to be the only ones fucking a tree. While camping, hiking, or even in your front yard, take a moment to wrap your arms or your legs around a tree while getting your taint licked. That is what I call organic!<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;"><br />Doggy style with a view.</span><br />Who doesn’t love a good view, especially when you are being railed from behind. Take a moment to check out Pittock Mansion. If you are with the right girl you might even get a tour of the inside of the Buttock, I mean, the Pittock.<br /> <br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Finally having God present when you scream his name.</span><br />Nothing is more fucked up than a little public sex at the peaceful oasis in the midst of the city, the Grotto. You know that place you went for your Baccalaureate? Take a time to revisit and prove what a good person you have become.<br /><br />Take my fucking advice already! Not only should Portlanders be taking advantage of the great weather right now, but they should be also taking advantage of a little 69 while picnicking. I am serious. I would like to walk through the Rose Gardens and come around a bush and find someone picnicking on a bush. I want it to be you…perhaps with watermelon dripping down your crack.<br /> <br />Your summer needs to be fun, dumb and full of cum. Even if you aren’t on the flesh market make your partner(s) dine at your deli in the bathroom of your local deli! Or do it in the butte…Rocky Butte.<br /><br />Remember...you should always be publicly intoxicated in addition to being publicly indecent.<br /> <br />Bring a bottle or two and make it memorable!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7358406259173999426.post-72875648419999480662010-07-12T15:10:00.000-07:002010-07-12T15:23:33.149-07:00Don’t waste your spank bank on a goddamn Gorilla!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-GL0heapkl7GQzO2wIvonkrKNo4uXKYiJXdw4VzOvi6_fcJCb20cvyZy0stw28uwHGWdcHBqomkhyep4SVkob5bMcOe19WLqsLjB-weSyW0yyhRbImoO5OW9a2cXsFKpEXj0CNqdI58_H/s1600/Incline_Gorilla_379-1.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 151px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-GL0heapkl7GQzO2wIvonkrKNo4uXKYiJXdw4VzOvi6_fcJCb20cvyZy0stw28uwHGWdcHBqomkhyep4SVkob5bMcOe19WLqsLjB-weSyW0yyhRbImoO5OW9a2cXsFKpEXj0CNqdI58_H/s200/Incline_Gorilla_379-1.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5493147501491038194" /></a> Everyone has a sick fuck; we have gone over that. But what about your fantasy fuck?<br /><br />I have had a large handful of fantasy fucks. I would daydream and masturbate all day just imagining what it would be like to pork my fantasy fucks. I would get so wound up sometimes I would make my fantasy fuck, a reality fuck. Take some advice from one seriously determined slut, keep your fantasies…Fantasies! <br /><br />Just like a sex dream, the sex is never as awesome as you imagined it. Just like a lead singer in a band, they are never as good as they are on stage.<br /><br />I met this guy in Vegas, and I was SUPER stoked over his knowledge of metal, and of course, he was in a metal band. Tasty, tasty, tasty. His Slayer t-shirt and black fingernails made me want to rip my dress right off!<br /><br />I soon found out this hot piece of meat lived in Portland! I was so thrilled, I was trying everything to get him to pull my hair in the middle of a goddamn casino. Those fucking blue hairs could suck my dick as far as I was concerned!<br /><br />A few conversations later, I found out my metal dreamboat had a goddamn girlfriend! Not fair! I then took every opportunity to make this band mate (out of the 600 I have dated) mine. <br /><br />One happy Saturday, months of masturbating later, I got a text message from this fantasy fuck. Not only was he sexting me all the sudden, but he was asking me on a date to a metal show. I obviously told him I was busy, and 5 hours later accepted, while I warmed myself up for my date that evening.<br /><br />After a hot night of long hair, sweat, and bloody knuckles I was marinated and ready to go. I almost jumped out of my Vans high tops when he asked if I wanted a nightcap at his place. DEAR GOD! <br /><br />I followed Mr. Metal Head while he drove his hot big lifted truck to a sexy house he owned. I found myself already moaning as I made my way down his driveway. <br /><br />What seemed like fucking six hours was about 20 minutes of a drink and a walk around his property. I was ready to fuck that shit like a goddamn potbelly pig in heat, and I couldn’t wait to have him spanking my ass raw! <br /><br />Watch what you wish for.<br /><br />Two minutes and gorilla fighting squeals out of his mouth later, I needed a fucking rape shower. Not only was this the shortest and worst sex of my life, I literally thought I needed to pick up a flea treatment on the way home. Obviously, I immediately made up some story as I ran out of his house in tears.<br /><br />My fantasy fuck was a goddamn gorilla with bad pecks. How could I be so naïve and stupid? For a smart slut, I had seriously missed the pin on this one. <br /><br />This was the LAST time I forced a fantasy fuck into my pants. I have a consistent group of fantasy fucks I like to keep in my pocket for a rainy day, but I know I will always be disappointed. It is better to fuck what makes you physically hot, whether that be in a relationship, affair, multiple gangbangs, whatever makes one happy. <br /><br />Think of all the porn and sex scenes we have all watched…you don’t think that has anything to do with the fantasies we create in our heads? I know for a fact that mine involves a snow shovel and rubber gloves, and that is pretty unrealistic...unfortunately.<br /><br />What we dream up in our little noggins isn’t what will happen. In only one occasion have I been blown away and impressed with what a fantasy fuck has had to offer me. But yes, he was a rock star, and is still a fantasy fuck. <br /><br />Take my advice, keep your fantasy fuck a fantasy, or you will be out of spank bank before you know it!<br /><br />This blog calls for some online porn and a shot of whiskey.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7358406259173999426.post-18394736958015928582010-06-18T13:40:00.000-07:002010-06-18T14:07:30.963-07:00You can get cherries all year long. It is time for them to be picked!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6HSveFwgZg9pF7nCb1fy2Y0njlSQ6esG2AexN-t1kx7nHKSf0F1_Y3wEpBhOuIBfsoq4tmY1ashdVrmb9-7feMxiuAM3yvJSQ8DBuF_GBwazbUOGzM2UIGgDE698MVFN31hb1k1P-bdbg/s1600/date-snob-large-new-92584426.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6HSveFwgZg9pF7nCb1fy2Y0njlSQ6esG2AexN-t1kx7nHKSf0F1_Y3wEpBhOuIBfsoq4tmY1ashdVrmb9-7feMxiuAM3yvJSQ8DBuF_GBwazbUOGzM2UIGgDE698MVFN31hb1k1P-bdbg/s200/date-snob-large-new-92584426.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5484223199052451858" /></a>I can’t stand a woman who holds on to her vagina like it is a sacred piece of artwork. I can’t stand a guy who wants to be in a serious relationship before he gets his taint licked. You don’t have to go on twelve dates before you give it up, just fuck them already!<br /><br />Like I always say, it isn’t 1952 for Christ’s sake. Man up already and take control of your sexuality. Fucking on the first date isn’t a crime. What is the worst that is going to happen? You find out they have a small penis and leave? You find out she smells like a foul tampon? Great! Then you don’t need to do it again, get the fuck out and go meet somebody else.<br /><br />Sex, next to respect and trust, is the most important thing in any relationship. If you wait too fucking long to find out your date is a fucking snore in the sack…you are setting yourself up for failure. Chemistry is important, but if she has some nasty meat curtains…that chemistry goes right down the tube.<br /><br />I fuck on the first date if I want to and there is nothing wrong with it. A lot of people believe that if you want to be in a relationship, be respected, or get a second date, you shouldn’t have sex on the first date. That is horseshit. If you are lousy in bed or give a hand job instead of a blowjob, you are not going to get a second date anyway.<br /><br />I think people who are going on dates in search of getting fucking married or to get in a serious relationship are psycho. People can smell desperation all over your vagina when you go on a date with a wedding or pregnancy on your mind. Everybody should be going on dates in order to get laid. If you focus on that, you will more than likely get laid, and get a second date.<br /><br />When is the right date to have sex? What does somebody need to do in order to earn your fucking love juice? If you don’t have that hot chemistry on the first date, you never will. Do you need to meet your newfound love’s parents before you get porked? If he is paying for dinner, which these days is a shocker, you should let him give you the shocker.<br /><br />A lot of my friends say they don’t want to be looked at as a slut by fucking on the first date, and I say, it isn’t 1952. If a chick waits more than three dates to have sex or at least blow you, I think she is a waste of your fucking time, and is looking for an engagement ring. Run! If a guy waits more than one date for sex, he is either a bible beater or has a seriously small cock. Don't give him a second date if he doesn't try!<br /><br />My point is that dating shouldn’t be so serious. Dating should be fun, carefree, and about what is really important…rubbing warm wet body parts together. Nobody will ask you on a date because they they think you would be a good parent someday, it's because they sexually attracted to you. A good date should be full of sexual tension, good vodka, laughter, and a good roll in the hay. If you are good at what you do, then you will get a second date. If you are a fucking dud…that is why you don’t get a second date, not because you had sex with them.<br /><br />Every day is full of selling yourself and getting yourself off. You sell yourself at work so you don’t get fired in this fucked up economy. You sell yourself when you want a little extra cheese on your pizza. You sell yourself when you want to get somebody’s phone number. Sell yourself when you are on a date, and have fun. Don’t put restrictions on a relationship you don’t even have yet. When you start making rules before you have even seen who is on the menu, you are a fucking dud and you deserve to be lonely and unsatisfied. <br /><br />Ease up on the reigns and even let the horse tie you up with them. Just maybe, if you’re lucky, your date will have three friends come out of the closet and they all will have their way with you.<br /><br />So get out there and focus on getting laid. If do want a relationship, it will come when you least expect it. When you are looking for something to happen that is when it never comes. Regret feels like shit, especially when you are stuck with a lousy lay.<br /><br />I am going out tonight to emotionally abusive anybody who hasn't been laid within the last few months. Be very scared if that is you...I WILL find you!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7358406259173999426.post-631613203428887522010-06-10T09:49:00.000-07:002010-06-10T10:10:03.427-07:00The Clock Strikes Two…You Want To Fuck Who?Remember the time you fucked that fat chick? Or when you sat on your stinky short professor’s face? How about the time you masturbated while watching the WWE? I know I can’t be the only one who has done all three!<br /><br />I always like to ask people, “Who is your sick fuck?” Everybody has either a story, or is crushin’ on that piece of shit none of their friends would dare to even hang out with.<br /><br />Who is that one person you would lay it down for, if nobody would ever find out? <br /><br />I’ve found it quite fascinating to hear all sorts of sick fucks. A sick fuck can be one of a few people. It can be somebody that you casually have sex with from time to time but would never dare include in your social circle, a disgusting crush that you have and wonder why, and last but not least…your fantasy sick fuck, that completely nasty celebrity that most people would cringe to think about sexually. <br /><br />Yes, I have had my fair share of sick fucks.<br /><br />The person I would NEVER admit to fucking was most likely because he was completely the opposite of me. In college, I was quite a wild child, as you can imagine. I wore every heavy metal t-shirt and slutty mini I could find at a thrift store, cared more about drugs and alcohol than a real education, and yet somehow got decent grades and graduated. I didn’t take college very seriously, only having sex. I had a thing for a popped collared, political junkie, faux hawk wearing preppie. Don’t judge. <br /><br />It was almost like a challenge to get him to stare at my boobs once a day. After several emotionally abusive attacks toward him and a hot classroom later, I found myself at a lousy frat party wanting his spray tan to stain me. I was so obsessed; I had to make this sick fuck come true. That’s right, a few keg stands and a special red cup later, I was all his. This is an example of how I became “always a closer” later in life.<br /><br />I think each person should have this type of opportunity at least once in life, no matter how old you are. You never really know if your sick fuck will actually be the person you have always looked for. Maybe Mr. Faux Hawk could have swept me off my feet? They do say opposites attract.<br /><br />Ahhh the fantasy sick fuck. This is my favorite part, and where a lot of porn comes from. People want to stay clear of certain types of characters, but just can’t help masturbating to them. <br /><br />For example, one of my closest friends claims her fantasy sick fuck is George Bush, my other friend, I swear, is secretly obsessed with Yanni. Yanni? How can anybody get off on a man that wears more sparkles than a grandmother in Reno? This makes me want to choke to death on my own vomit. That is one mustache I would not ride!<br /><br />My fantasy sick fuck began as a tween. Luckily for me, my parents let me watch whatever I wanted on TV, and why wouldn't a little blonde girl want to watch some twisted nasty comedy? MY fantasy sick fuck shockingly is Andrew Dice Clay. I have never wanted to be Little Miss Muffet so bad.<br /><br />I think people shouldn’t repress their sick fucks, but embrace them. There is something about that person that drives you wild, and it could be that it is different and rebellious. Don’t be shy. Try your sick fuck on for size. You just might be surprised that the shoe actually fits.<br /><br />As I am sure you have read, I encourage everybody to expand their horizons and their portfolio. Sometimes you just might find that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and if not…well, least you can store it in your spank bank.<br /><br />I think I am going to go put on my leather jacket, smoke a cigarette, bust out the bullet, and listen to some good old fashion nursery rhymes.<br /><br />I want a sick fuck confession list. Come on…inspire me!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7358406259173999426.post-51623183699262158152010-06-03T10:11:00.000-07:002010-06-03T10:29:30.239-07:00Did I say Fleet Week? I mean SKEET Week.The first time I fucked a sailor during the Rose Festival, I had NO idea how fucking sick fleet week was. The first ship to come in and get gay men and Portland women wet was in 1907. Over 100 years ago bitches were getting together, putting on those hot garter belts and stockings, getting liquored up, and then getting pregnant. Nothing has changed, except now we have the Lovejoy clinic one century later. <br /><br />AHhhhh...nothing says STD like a rough and tough young sailor who doesn’t know where to put his cock. It is almost like your high school prom ALL over again! I just can't help but want to suck some sailor's face off. Tasty tall muscle men that aren’t from the skinny jean capital of the world…SIGN ME UP! It is like going on vacation and fucking the whole hotel and then coming home guilt free. That is fleet week. <br /><br />Why are women obsessed with a man in a uniform? <br /><br />I have a friend who is a serial pig dater. I swear she is begging to get fucking pulled over so she can pull him out. I wouldn’t put it past her to take a goddamn sledgehammer to her breaks lights before she drives around downtown on a late night. That dirty whore gets wet even when we go out to breakfast and she gets a whiff of Miss Crispy bacon on the side sitting across the table from her. <br /><br />We just can’t help it. A man in a uniform is much better than the alternative, a man with a shitty job and a popped collar. <br /><br />Fleet week is like a dream come true. They actually run extra max and bus times just to support the dirty whores in Gresham and Hillsboro. It doesn’t matter what bar, restaurant, or shop you go to downtown during this week, you are always in for a muscle man treat. <br /><br />I find myself mindlessly shopping for panties, and I shit you not, I end up pantieless in a fucking photo booth outside the Ferris wheel. I used to think a mature woman would be past all this fleet week shit, but then I realized you can fuck them and never see them again. Nothing says maturity more than getting what you need and making yourself happy…in between your legs. Just call him Mr. Sailor, or chief boot knocka if he is higher ranked. <br /><br />Finally Sir Mix-a-Lot pays off in my blog. <br /><br />No matter how old a bitch is when June rolls around, she should be dumb, young, and full of seaman cum. <br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">How can any woman, young or old, get more than her fair share of a sub sandwich? </span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Wear a wedding ring!</span> No matter if you are married or not, a sailor wants a dirty whore WITH commitments. You know that motherfucker doesn’t want to know your real name and have you facebook stalk him. He wants to just put it in your ass. Let’s be realistic, nobody is getting engaged at the Meet The Fleet Ball. <br /><span style="font-weight:bold;"><br />Take your panties off.</span> I know that most women feel sexy and a bit dirty when going without their britches. Take them off and put it in his pocket. I promise, from personal experience, it is a guaranteed to get face fucked move. <br /><span style="font-weight:bold;"><br />Throw a cougar kegger!</span> That’s right, military ID’s get in free and all your horny single, or unsingle girlfriends get to have some young fresh meat. Don’t you remember what it looks like when a dude without man boobs does a keg stand? It is like a porno for Christ sake! <br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">How can a straight man benefit off this holy horniness?</span><br /> <span style="font-weight:bold;"><br />If you can’t beat em, join em.</span> Don’t be a fucking idiot; there are plenty of sailor costumes in Portland begging to be left on a slutty girl’s floor. That’s right, dress up and pretend to be a fucking sailor. By midnight ho’s will be all over you with no questions asked. Fucking score! <br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Buy the MILF a cocktail already!</span> If you are out in downtown Portland during this time, buy a lady a drink. With all the young whores with fake ID’s in the room, a man with some fucking class might walk out of there with a MILF or two? She is going to be so sick of competing with the 20-year-old plastic fuck doll, you won’t even have to tell her your name.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;"><br />Befriend the American heroes.</span> Look for the dumb sailors that don't have many friends and offer to buy the heros a drink. Thank them for all they do for your country and before you know it, this little seaman will be attracting more sluts than a brand new Labrador puppy. Girls will find YOU more appealing just for supporting an American soldier. You’d be surprised how many dumb dudes hate and don’t take advantage.<br /> <br />All this talk of white tight pants and shirts bulging at the buttons of a man’s chest instead of his belly makes me so wet. <br /><br />If you want to find the Ramblin’ Broad this week, look for me waving good-bye from a ship as it sails away. I promise to still write every week, as long as you ship me whiskey in little scope bottles. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7358406259173999426.post-36940544607294089142010-05-27T13:44:00.000-07:002010-05-27T13:55:42.166-07:00If the Cheerio fits, don’t eat it.The first time I saw a really, really small penis was only a few years ago. Considering my “recreational” activities, I was surprised that this was the first time. I always thought I was a pimp and just somehow collected large cocks, but that came to a screeching halt one hot summer night. <br /><br />I was so shocked by this new gentleman's small penis I actually screamed and I am sure had a look of horror on my face. He said, “I know I don’t have a porn star penis…” I was like OMG; my clit is bigger than your penis. What the fuck. Shockingly I ran out of the dark room in complete fucking horror and never looked back. <br /><br />Poor guy? I don’t fucking think so. <br /><br />I DO NOT feel sorry for men with very small penises or for bitches with meat curtains. This isn’t the fucking dark ages; there are surgeries to fix these problems…and it is NOT worth living life-frightening people with your genitals. <br /><br />Size does matter, and I don’t care what you fucking dumb bitches say. You dumb cunts who “love” your small cocked man are fucked up. Only women that have a small cock at home says size doesn't matter. You obviously have insecurity problems and no class what-so-ever for fucking staying with a dude longer than one night who is packing a goddamn pencil eraser. Those men should be shunned from society and put on a deserted island or sent to the Middle East. Nobody wants to see that shit, and furthermore, nobody wants to try and feel that shit. Size does matter, and does make a fucking difference.<br /><br />However, you can have a big dick and not know what to do with it. If this is the case, first congrats, and secondly, why don’t you watch some porn already and get crackin on that ass? Men who don’t know what to do with their cocks obviously haven’t been laid enough. If you think it is sweet to wait until you really care about somebody to have sex, you aren’t a real man, and most likely a hermaphrodite. <br /><br />Why do bitches call their men out? <br /><br />Yeah…you know who you are, the fucking cunt that says her ex-boyfriend had a small penis EVERY time she is in a break up. You are a dumb cunt. <br /><br />You obviously don’t realize that telling everybody your ex had a small cock or didn’t know how to fuck is really hurting you more than him. You were the bitch that stuck around and let him pork you, didn’t you? HELLO? Obviously YOU were the problem and not him. If you are one of those fucking bitches, I can tell you right now that he is one lucky guy to get rid of your stupid swamp ass. <br /><br />If you have a small cock, hide. Hide from society and never come back unless you get surgery or a successful penis pump. There is no excuse for a man having a penis smaller than my thumb. That is a deformity and your mother should be smacked in the fucking mouth for not getting it fixed sooner. You need to sac up, save some money and get that shit fixed. Otherwise you are going to end up dating fucking Daddy Issues, and Goddamn Crazy Cunt’s for the rest of your life. Have fun with that. <br /><br />If you have a fucking saggy labia or clit - Christ. First off, you are a whore…and congratulations. I think every woman who has a ton of sex just for the fun of it is my goddamn hero. There is nothing I can’t stand more than a dumb bitch who fucking has to be in love to have sex. GOD…that is how you end up with a fucking boyfriend with an STD, or how you will become a goddamn beard.<br /><br />Clip that shit already! Reconstructive surgery is very quick, easy, and affordable these days. It is much worse to get your wisdom teeth pulled than your labia clipped back. Just take care of business already, if strippers can afford it…so can you! <br /><br />Can you tell I hate a small cock?<br /><br />I need a drink. <br /><br />and a friend who is a hermaphrodite, wouldn't that make for good material?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7358406259173999426.post-62357394559251599442010-05-12T14:26:00.000-07:002010-05-12T16:12:25.865-07:00Never look a horse cock in the mouth.I was fifteen and totally HOT for this older guy who went to a different high school. He played football which immediately made me wet, and he already had a five o’clock shadow. He was a senior and I was a freshman, I wanted SO bad to give him my adolescents on a platter. I would daydream about him in French class wondering what it would be like to French his fucking tasty mouth. He was like a young hot Jared Allen without the mullet. Even at fifteen I couldn’t help myself, I loved a man who could play football and knew how to use a bow and arrow. <br /><br />One lucky night at a house party, with heavy drinking involved, he talked to me. My young blue eyes about popped out of my head and I immediately blamed it on my young perky tits, obviously nothing has changed. A few keg stands and a bong hit later I was cornered by my baby Jared Allen. My knees almost gave out when he pressed up against me and brushed his scruff on my face. The moment had arrived for him to finally make fireworks with his tongue.<br /><br />As he leaned in and swept my blonde hair aside I felt a sharp darting stiff slimy fucker trying to attack my tonsils. A couple sloppy minutes later it was clear I needed get out as soon as possible! <br /><br />His mouth meat wouldn’t stop DARTING! His slimy tongue was like a fucking chubby minnow fluttering in shallow water. I was so horrified I wanted to cry. WHY? Why was my hunky older dreamboat giving me scary CPR!<br /><br />“SHIT! It’s past curfew time to go home…” I groaned. This was the ONLY time I faked that I really had a curfew. Lucky for me, I was normally a good kid.<br /><br />Needless to say, he was after my young tang for the next six months even after I was totally offended by his mouth rape. I think he finally gave up when I let his friend, who did know how to kiss, feel me up right in front of him. Damn I was a cunt, still, nothing has changed.<br /><br />The moral of the story, kissing sets the stage of how one will fuck.<br /><br />You know that motherfucker still sucks at kissing. You learn how to kiss in high school and the fact that he was a senior and was a terrible kisser almost guarantees you’re dealing with a one-minute man.<br /><br />A first kiss with somebody is super crucial. It doesn’t matter how wasted, nervous, or young you are, don’t rush it. If you are a good kisser, or a mediocre kisser who takes your time and catches on to the other person’s style, you WILL get laid. All of this happens literally in seconds, so it is crucial that you not fuck it up. <br /><br />Most of this discussion is for the dudes since guys will fuck you even if you kiss like a nasty meth head with no teeth, but ladies take note. Guys will fuck you for a while if you kiss like a horse that just took a drink of water from a bucket, but they’ll move on as soon as they find another wet hole to stick their dick in.<br /><br />I was totally shit canned one time in Florida a few years back and sucked a guys face after he pulled over to barf outside of his ride, and he STILL got laid. Even though he had just puked, he was a great kisser which turned into a damn good lay. I still to this day swear he lied to me about being a gynecologist.<br /><br />A good kiss can get your name on the list when the first date bouncer checks you at the door. Hand those lips a 100 and suddenly you’re in the VIP getting your cork popped.<br /><br />Here are a few key tips to a successful first kiss:<br /><br /> - Fucking floss or take care of your carcass breath. Even if you have just eaten, had a shot, whatever…try and take the opportunity to cleanse your palate. If you know you have nasty breathe or bad hygiene, hold off and play hard to get. Gum and mints are mandatory if you are in any type of first kiss situation. That means if you are single (or uncommitted) and somewhere other than work you better be ready. Luck favors the prepared as those Asian types say, so be ready to kiss and then have sex with one.<br /><br />- Relax. Take a moment, breathe, and let it happen. Don’t go overboard and suck somebody’s face off. Start out slow and move with your partner’s style…like dancing. This is the first dance and if you want to fuck them against the wall you can’t just grab somebody by the hair at the club and drag them home. Start slowly and work your way up. Make them beg goddamn it!<br /><br />- Use your fucking tongue already. I had a boyfriend that would NEVER use his tongue, and it was such a turn off. If done right, tongue is sexy and guaranteed to get you laid. Just don’t give your partner a cat bath.<br /><br />- Control your tongue. My baby Jared Allen obviously thought a strong darting tongue was hot, but it was very frightening. A tongue is not a hard cock, be soft, gentle and only lick if completely necessary.<br /><br />- Control your saliva. This isn’t like when you’re at the dentist and you pray for a moment to swallow, control how much is coming out.<br /><br />- Pull away and tease. Don’t give your potential lay everything at once, take it slow and tease them with your mouth and tongue.<br /><br />- Eye contact. Right before you lean in, eye contact is crucial and sexy. There is also NOTHING worse than fucking people who close their eyes the whole time, or fucking staring at you like a creepy psycho. A little eye contact goes a long way!<br /><br />- Go with the flow, yo. Follow your potential lay’s style if it is working. If they want it a little rough, bite a little and get a gentle hair pull in. If they want it deep and slow, use this time to stick your hands down their pants.<br /><br />- Body language! Press up against this lucky person and touch, touch, TOUCH! Do what you can to jump in the sack with this person! Human bodies love the feel of other naked human bodies. Kissing is fine and good as long as the goal is getting some fuck pipe or tang out of the deal.<br /><br />- AND PLEASE!!! Kiss while you fuck! Nobody wants to suck face the whole time you are shagging, but at least take a few moments to kiss during sex, it keeps the juices flowing.<br /><br /><br />This makes me want to set up a kissing booth at the Rose Festival. I hear whiskey kills mouth herpes on contact…Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7358406259173999426.post-48427398829850595252010-04-29T13:40:00.000-07:002010-04-29T13:59:02.621-07:00Chlamydia is not the Latin name for a flower!Unlike a flower nobody picks Chlamydia. There are no poems about stopping to smell the Chlamydia. But that doesn't mean you won't get handed a bouquet of Chlamydia at the door on a first date. <br /><br />Honesty and flattery will get you everywhere, and lying about your inflamed labia will get you nowhere. Who the fuck decided it was ever a good idea to just pretend you don’t have an STD? Fucking selfish mother fucking assholes is who!<br /><br />Lets be honest, guys aren’t as obsessed with what is going on with their junk, just what they can do with their junk. Just because it burns like hell during urination, doesn't mean he won’t put that fire out with your vag water. Most men are so fucking clueless. And the ones that aren't clueless are fucking assholes. And the ones that are clueless are clueless fucking assholes.<br /><br />Gentlemen...its time to be gentle and be a man. There is no acceptable excuse for rubbing your diseased cock on another human being. You know if you are guilty of this crime. I hope you feel guilty every time you jerk off, look in the mirror, look in the mirror while jerking off, and then cry while you wear women’s underwear. Tell the bitch. Then wear a rubber. Actually wear two. Thanks.<br /><br />Women on the other hand are much more in tune with their bodies and seem to have their shit under control. It is those drunken one-night stands or cheating fucking partners that normally fuck it up. Yet there are those lying skanky ho’s out there that enjoy spreading the love...only they are doing it after you pay for a lap dance or when you agree to meet her out behind the greyhound bus station.<br /><br />As my readers know I very much think that casual sex is a truly important part of any adult’s life. I believe that getting randy as much as possible and a good clump of tapioca balls in your hair is rewarding. BUT…lets all be fucking grown ups here…. to take that shot or to get it straight in the ass without protection, you better be fucking damn sure you have had the “talk”. <br /><br />The “talk” can happen the first time you meet a dude at Mardi Gras in a bathroom stall, on a first or third date, or right up front before you agree to meet after chatting on eHarmony.<br /><br />If you are going to have unprotected sex there is much more to worry about then just taking the morning after pill. Yes. This can be a little embarrassing, and maybe ruin the mood, and even the relationship…but it is much better then being Magic Johnson or Paris Hilton. <br /><br />Have the "talk" goddamn it! Open your fucking mouth and be responsible. Speaking of opening your dirty cock hole mouth…yes you can get an STD from oral sex. Fun stuff isn’t it! <br /><br />So many people are reckless and act like it would never happen to them, or if it did happen to them…they live in denial and give the gift that keeps on giving. That is why I call this Regifting. This isn’t a white elephant party people. This isn’t that fucking same back massager that continues to show up at the same holiday party every year. Regifting is when you are an irresponsible whore who doesn’t take the time to be an honest humane being. <br /><br />Be an adult and be responsible. Every person, man and woman, should be getting an annual visit to the doctor and ask for the full screen - even if you are in a committed relationship. You never know when one might step out of the relationship once in awhile, or even live in denial. Always know what is going on with your body, especially if you are a fun girl, (cough: whore!) like me.<br /><br />According to Livestrong.com if you are infected…you aren't alone:<br /><br />One in five people in the United States has an STD.<br /><br />Cervical cancer in women is linked to HPV.<br /><br />Hepatitis B is 100 times more infectious than HIV.<br /><br />One in five Americans has genital herpes, yet 90 percent of those with herpes are unaware they have it.<br /><br />At least one in four Americans will contract an STD at some point in their lives.<br /><br />HPV and Chlamydia are the most common STDs in the United States.<br /><br />Less than half of adults ages 18 to 44 have ever been tested for an STD other than HIV/AIDS.<br /><br />At least 15 percent of all infertile American women are infertile because of tubal damage caused by pelvic inflammatory disease (PID), the result of an untreated STD.<br /><br />Two-thirds of Hepatitis B (HBV) infections are transmitted sexually. HBV is linked to chronic liver disease, including cirrhosis and liver cancer.<br /><br /> <br /><br />Its lax, selfish attitudes toward sexual health that have caused this huge surge in STDs and just because it’s become so common doesn’t mean it isn't a big fucking deal! I don’t know about you, but I would rather save my life than worry about being fucking embarrassed.<br /><br />This DOSEN’T mean don’t have sex or limit your sex, GOD, you will turn into fucking Kirstie Alley or Andy Dick.<br /><br />What I am saying is FUCK SAFE and don’t be a fucking asshole. If somebody fucks you over, report him or her to the Department of Health and Humane Services. Fuck them…it is against the law for you NOT to tell your doctor if you know who gave you an STD.<br /><br />Now that I ripped you a new asshole, with a condom of course, let it heal up for a day or two...and this weekend get fucking laid. Just don’t be fucking dumb. As the Wu-Tang would say, "PROTECT YA NECK!!!"<br /><br />Well the Broad says... Protect ya neck, throat, mouth, vag, cock, balls, ass, and taint. Cuz ain't nobody gonna protect it for you!<br /><br />And speaking of throat...I could use a little something in it.<br /><br />Any suggestions?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0