Crazy Bitch or Psycho Hose Beast?

Some of us women have had our fair share of horrible break ups, terrible fights, and a crush you can never make your own. We have also had “the one that got away”, and have also been “the crazy one” in an heated moment from time to time.

I was so upset after a break up in high school I swore I would never recover. I used to scream down the hallways at his new girlfriend and made both their lives a living hell. Soon I realized what a fucking loser that guys is, and that acting like that WAS SO high school and should STAY in high school.

A lot of women I know are nuts, but in a good way. They fuck like wild animals, have awesome drunken stories, fingerbang strippers, and they get in heated football arguments against very large men. ‘Good Crazy’ is being upset after a break up and forgetting about it by screwing a basketball team or having a bonfire with a few old pictures and a bottle of whiskey. These women only sometimes make you concerned about your safety, but you still want to fuck them upside down.

Nothing tops a real psycho bitch.

This bitch makes multiple calls to her boyfriend or ex-boyfriend when he is out with his friends and is listening for any sign of a woman in the background. This bitch also cries each and every time he goes to a strip club and gets upset when he sits next to another woman in a cube at work.

This crazy cunt will also take things to the next level by slowly driving by her boyfriends or ex-boyfriends house to see if there is another car in the driveway, calls the cops and claims false physical abuse, or slashes tires and spray paints a mother fuckers car.

What the fuck is wrong with this picture? If you act like this…you need to go to fucking therapy to control your goddamn daddy issues!

Here are some other signs you are a ‘Psycho Hose Beast'…

1. If you are DAILY searching a mother fuckers facebook to see who they are tagged in pictures with and read all of their friends walls to see what he is up to.

2. If you are driving by your old boyfriends house, work, favorite bars, and each of his friend’s house to see a glimpse of him or whom he may be with.

3. If you are still telling people you are in a relationship with a dude that already broke up with you and has moved on (you are what I like to call “A Stacey”), why don’t you just buy him a fucking gun rack already!

4. If you are so obsessed with what your ex is doing years later and you can’t stop stalking him or haven’t slept with somebody else in order to move on, you are pretty pathetic.

I beg to all guys out there, dump that bitch fast if she is showing signs of ‘Psycho Crazy’ and not ‘Good Crazy’. Unfortunately for most dudes, you are too fucking stupid to tell until you are in jail for something you didn’t do.

I beg to all girlfriends of a bitch like this….friends don’t let friends become Tonya Harding! She might end up fucking your dad and then throwing a hubcap at you! Tell your friend she is being seriously crazy…it can only make her life better.

I beg to the goddamn Psycho Crazy Hose Beast’s out there, move the fuck on already! Start fucking somebody else, get some fucking confidence, or become that stripper you always wanted to be. It is not okay to be like this forever. Sometimes shit makes us crazy, but you need to admit your problems and move the fuck forward!

Fuck…this makes me want to get drunk and yell at somebody.

Fuck Happily Ever After!

Next time you see your therapist, tell them to send the bill to Michael Eisner.

When you were a little girl, you thought that Snow White, Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella were ideal women. You would dream about wearing a tiara and gowns, and doing anything to find your prince. In fact the whole purpose of being a princess was ONLY because that is how you would find a prince.

There’s a reason why you never hear little girls saying they would like to be princesses so they can help feed the hungry and fight homelessness.

In a lot of my blogs I blame Disney for creating clouds. Sparkly La La Land clouds that fog the minds of American girls and women still to this day. I mean these Princess Disney bitches are always fucking victims. Cartoons, yes, but with real world consequence, e.g. the friend of yours that is constantly in relationships where she is mistreated by a self-centered asshole. NEWS FLASH! Guys would stop treating us like dicks if we stop letting them get away with it. But these fucking Disney movies teach girls that is OK to be treated that way.

Come on already!

Why are all these chicks borderline schizophrenic. How many people do you know have best friends that are crabs, seagulls, and mice? Yes…get your romantic advice from a damn gay dwarf who has never met a woman and lives with 6 other men, like he really knows what he is talking about! If the dumb bitch wasn’t a fucking martyr all the time, then maybe she would have normal mermaid friends or stepsisters that didn’t try to have her killed.

How old are these characters anyway? Don’t most of them live at home? Does anybody remember that Pocahontas was only 12 and John Smith was 28? Have these bitches even had a period yet? You never see a Disney Princess learning to deal with birth control, talk about PMS, or the fact that this prince of hers might infect her with an STD! Or what it means to get dumped or find out your boyfriend is fucking groupies.

It’s sex education Disney style! Which is probably why so many women I know feel like they need to shit out a kid in order to be happy….And why many of men I know wish they would have packed their own jimmy hats for the party.

Where is the mother, or should I say Queen during all this? OH!!!…that’s right, these Disney Princesses hardly ever have a mother! Think back to all the fucking royal ladies you used to wish to become, their Mother wasn’t in their life for one reason or another. These beauties normally lived to help their fathers, and went from one man running her life to another. No wonder these bitches are so fucked up!

(You realize you’ve been watching these examples of how to live since you were like 4 years old, right?)

Belle lived to protect her father who was always publicly criticized. Both of Cinderella’s parents died, leaving her to a wicked stepmother and a few Sasquatch stepsisters. Ariel had no mer-mom just the king of the sea to tell her how to live.

Life isn’t complete for these adolescent slut characters until they have met their prince. The whole time these young ladies are going through life dreaming of getting out of the house and meeting the man of their dreams. You never see these beauties dreaming of becoming a teacher, doctor, or powerful and professional sex symbol that just might play the field.

Great idea…lets teach our kids that you MUST be married at 17 and 18…look how well that has worked for bitches in the past. Who needs college, when a hairy beast man that yells at you owns a library? Why settle for Mr. Right Now when you can hold out for that prince! Who cares that he is going to sleep with half of the help in the castle and make you walk around on egg shells the rest of your life. You will forgive him because he gave you glass slippers.

What really got me fucking fired up about this shit was being forced to watch Beauty and the Beast. This movie should teach young girls what NOT to get involved in. This goddamn tale should be a lesson in how fucking emotionally and physically abusive people can be. Only Meatloaf would “do anything for love”, not a dude that looks like a fucking hairy line backer who shows you his goddamn teeth! If you haven’t seen this flick or need a refresher, basically Belle leaves her motherless household with no high school diploma, gets TRAPPED into living in a dark scary castle, and allows herself to be manipulated into believing that the man running the place will change. All the poor fucking servants are so scared that they plead and beg her not to irritate him, because he has a temper. Belle lives in a dream world where she truly does believe he will change his abusive ways. He screams at her, throws shit at her, locks her in her room for days without food, and then says he is so sorry and begs for forgiveness many times. That sweet gentle Belle takes the abusive loser back every time.

Sound like any of your girlfriends? Yeah, thank Walt for that one. Just because at the end of the story he turns into a handsome prince doesn’t mean he isn’t still a beast.

I am not trying to be a fucking feminist here, because you all know I prefer a strong hairy beefcake of a man. What I want to make clear is almost every female character in these Disney movies is insecure and self destructive. I would rather hang out with an ugly stripper with daddy issues any day before hanging out with Princess Jasmine. I think it is drilled into many women’s heads that they need to find that prince who is made for them, or you know…the one! Men aren’t perfect. Men don’t run around in tights and ruffled shirts with swords…unless they are some fucking nerd at a renaissance fair who probably has herpes.

If they could JUST show Pocahontas working in a casino and discovering she is married to a drug dealer, or seeing Ariel go get plastic surgery after her fucking divorce so she can have her fin back. Or maybe they could show a therapist tell Snow White she has a deviant sex addiction. Seven small dudes and her in one house, if that story isn’t the most fucked…I don’t know what is.

HAPPILY EVER AFTER NEVER HAPPENS! Get the fuck over yourself baby girl! It is never going to happen! Pretty Woman sums it up perfectly “Who does it work for?” “Cinderfuckinrella!” You aren’t going to be saved and woken up someday by a kiss, unless it is after a few too many martinis and you need mouth to mouth after trying to give a blowjob in a hot tub!

FACT: You are going to get zits, wrinkles, stretch marks, or gain 10 pounds, and eventually you’ll stop asking the mirror who is the fairest of all. You won’t always be beautiful, and you will never be perfect. People will cheat, people will die, people will make your pee burn, and you may think you have met the person of your “dreams” - but you will wake up to find they aren’t so good and they make you want to poke your fucking eyes out. Been there, done that.

If you keep living in a fantasy world seeking the person you are “supposed” to be with, you will end up chasing that dream forever. Take a good look at yourself and what really makes you happy. Find somebody who meets those needs, find somebody who lets you be YOU, and doesn’t treat you like shit. Let your guard down and let life happen to you. In other words go SOW YOUR GOD DAMN OATS! You’ll be surprised how life will work out if you let it.

Life is a lot more interesting and lot more real when you aren’t waiting for the magic carpet to come swoop you up…Although a hookah and a Middle Eastern guy are found pretty easily and that just might hit the spot. (You’ll never know if you like it unless you try it.)

So get off your high horse Cinderella…and get off on someone’s horse cock. There’s no prince coming for you, but you can start cumming for yourself.Take two shots of whiskey princess, lose your panties…and let me know how you feel in the morning.