Put some catnip in your pocket...

The pussy. How do you get it?

It is not as challenging as one might think. You might have some ho's like myself, who believe taking the edge off and sowing your oats is by far the way to live. Or...you may come across the other 80% of females who hold back the vag like a park ranger holding a baby bald eagle still getting its peach fuzz.

COME ON! There is nothing more annoying and aggravating then somebody who won't give it up after three dates. Your pussy is not that fucking magical. This isn't fucking Disney. Get over yourself or come out of the closet already. Don't be scared babygirl, that is what a condom and Gardasil is for.

Guys...if a gal hasn't given it up after three dates, then it shouldn't worry you to move on, because...if you follow any of my advice, you would be taking the edge off with another girl later that night anyway.

Ladies...always assume that a guy you are newly dating is most likely seeing somebody else. Would you want to be with a dude that isn't in demand? Stop thinking you are the only woman with a warm wet hole.

First...you must tame the kitty before she will play with your balls of yarn. The Cat is like any other animal, it respects confidence but as soon as you show weakness...it will leave you with a $200 bar tab and cold lonely bed.

Always play the confident card. Donald Draper wasn't a character created out of thin air. Women love a man who will hold their head high and doesn't immediately come crawling. Donald Draper is like a patient sniper, he knows when to take THE shot. Be the man that makes a girl wait for a glance, and maybe a smile. Don't be a stalker and stare at her while you lick your hair-lip. Don't try to pet her...until she comes to you.

Once the kittycat brushes up against you, because she will, act surprised, cool, and turned on all at the same time. Women want to feel sexy...and showing them you are flattered and excited by their appearance (in a non-sex offender fashion) is the key to the golden fleece.

If you are lucky and suave enough for her to stick around...don't be cocky. There are millions of sausages in the butcher shop. Stop, Look, and Listen. This is an age old sales tip...that actually still works today, even in dating. People love to talk about themselves. Ask as many questions as you possibly can, and always dig deeper. You must act interested in her college stories and love for wine. Keep your eye on the prize and the cat will come a callin.

Yes, she is very interesting, but not as interesting as how the other felines in the room are perceiving you. She might not be the one coming for the catnip, but all of the sudden the doors have been open. As soon as you talk to a good looking girl in the room, all the others want to know what you have packin. Seem interested, without being affectionate, you never know if her best friend is better looking.

Women...just like men enjoy the hunt.

Stop, Look, and Listen. Keep your eye on the room and the prize...the catnip in your pocket is confidence and awareness...use it.

Lets see if you can make that kitty purrr.

Now take a shot of whiskey, and wet that cigar.

No shopping for cucumbers in sweat pants!

I love living in the Northwest, don't get me wrong. But us motherfuckers are almost as bad as people from Cloquet Minnesota. (First, Last, and Only time I'll be visiting). Where I might add...I saw a dude changing his ugly baby's shitty diaper on a Wendy's fast food table, which most likely wasn't his kid considering how ghetto ass his ugly sweat pants wearing...at two o'clock on a Saturday....baby mama was. Yikes.

It is not that hard to take an extra 15 minutes, maybe 5 for me, to throw something on to be socially presentable. Who decided that sweat pants were even a good enough for the gym?

LOOK GOOD at the gym!

Christ! Do you know how many single people go to the fucking gym? I am not saying be like some of my friends and put on eyeliner and curl your hair before you walk in, but be aware at all times of your assets and liabilities.

Asset: Juicy ass in tight running shorts or BLACK yoga pants.

Liability: Big ugly forehead with bangs pulled back in a french braid. EEwww!

This is a big pet peeve for me. I do not understand why a lot of woman and some men go in public looking like they are a manager for an Estacada mobile home park. Really? Scrunchies and headbands were out as a stylish accessory over 20 years ago! I am the first to admit that I wear that shit at bedtime...but I will take the time to look good at Trader Joe's.

Throw on one coat of mascara, a half ass blow dry, and an ass hugging pair of jeans. A "6" in hot tight jeans and make up beats out an "8" in sweatpants and bed head. Hot dudes buy frozen food too, maybe wear a thin t-shirt and no bra....at least you aren't going in your pajamas! With the number of ugly folks running errands...a little polish and shine goes a long way...maybe all the way...if you are lucky! Do your part to stand out...whatever that is. You aren't always going to meet somebody at the bar when you are all dolled up! You could fucking meet somebody at the damn post office. Those lines are long and who is to say sparks can't fly? Haven't you ever read Craigslist? Seriously...how many people have missed connections at Starbucks...unbelievable!

I know that I am far from old fashion, but the days of woman looking hot at all times and dudes smelling good even at bedtime...are NOT over. If you are in a relationship or married, don't fucking come home and put your banana clip and zit cream on right away, try not looking like Tonya Harding until right before bed time. Your partner should always feel like they are lucky when they look over at you, even if you want to throw a hubcap at them.

Single ladies...gloss those lips and pull your jugs out! I know we have those days where we wake up late...and have dark circles. Take the fucking time to look hot. I am sick of seeing ugly ass bitches every where I go in Oregon! Who is your boss going to be more forgiving to? The dumb bitch arriving on time in wet hair? Or the hot chick arriving late? You never know when you will bump into somebody with potential. When you are getting ready in the morning...always think...I could meet my future ex husband or ex wife today.

Be charismatic! Guys....smile and tip the hot Barista at Starbucks...Girls...flirt and smile at guy at the dog park...even if his dog isn't as cute as yours. Always be ON...as if you were selling yourself, because you are. The dorky millionaire....may just be the one you smile at.

Always be nice, but still stick up for yourself. Kill everybody with kindness, until they ask you on a date. That is for another blog...another game, and another reason to take the edge off.

Now...throw those sweat pants away...and while you aren't wearing pants...masturbate already! I think that calls for a shot of whiskey!

Get it while the gettin's good...

I think there are too many reasons for people to feel bad about getting laid.

WTF! Wherever we came from...God...Science...God and Science like little Suri. We were given an O-Face for a reason. Not all living things have this ability...and we should take advantage! It doesn't matter if you are straight, gay, or even in need of a safe word...people should enjoy sex. Everybody is different, but having one bad sex partner for too long, is like believing Dave Matthews is a good band.

Growing up...my parents always used to say sow your oats! So many people I know haven't given themselves the opportunity to find out who they really are. I'm not just talking about sex, I am talking about finding out what makes you happy. Some people don't want to be in a committed relationship. That is okay. Some people are happy fucking stranger after stranger and traveling the country spreading their seed. That is okay. Some people think they are going to get fucking married to every person they get along with in the bar...this is NOT okay! SOW YOUR OATS!

It doesn't matter how old or young you are...what matters is your experience and learning what a few key things that you cannot live without and a few key things you will NOT live with. It is NOT okay to be selective when you just accepted a free drink and are sitting on some dudes lap...but it is okay to be selective when trying to find somebody to be in a relationship with.

Look...stop thinking that every fucking person you meet in a bar is the "one". This again causes you to give off your needy vibe and you forget that there could be other prospects sitting right next to you. Stop worrying about meeting the "one"...and start having sex with more than one! TAKE THE EDGE OFF! A lot of people meet somebody they really enjoy when they are enjoying someone else.

I am not asking people to go out and be Lemmy from Motorhead...although he is a legend...but not everybody can sex with over 3000 people and still be alive. I am saying...have a good time being single. Stop obsessing over your last breakup. Stop wondering why the last one didn't call...and be that person. Stop calling...stop obsessing...and STOP fucking being so goddamn nice. I promise when you start thinking about getting laid and having fun...you will meet somebody you like along the way. Don't always worry if you will be happy and in a relationship. Be happy with who you are now....and having fun...because life is too short . Get it while the gettin' is good...whatever that means to you.

Someday you will look back and be glad you did.

Now go have a shot of whiskey and pick up a playboy.