I sure wish PDA stood for Pussy Dick and Ass.

There is nothing more disgusting to me than any sort of public displays of affection.

When I am trying to get my drink on and turn around at the bar to a slimy guido putting
his hand up his bump-it girlfriends skirt…I want to fucking puke. When I see two fucking hipsters walking down the street holding hands and stopping to swap spit…I want to move to another city. When I am victim to two fucking middle aged fat people in MY sports bar playing grab ass in front of the big screen, I want to take them down like a line backer.

Look…we have all been there. I have been the girl who has sucked face in a booth at BOG then proceeded to get finger banged at the rack of Union Jacks all in one night. It was no panties Thursday for Christ sake…at least I was fucking shit canned to the point I pissed myself...and that's not even a good enough excuse!

Even though sometimes the sauce can get the better of you…just remember that it isn’t okay for you to suck face in public! Dear GOD...I can't believe fuckers do it sober! Any person I have ever dated, or fucked, has known that I do not want you to put your fucking paws all over me,let alone hold my fucking hand. God…that might make it look like I am committed or something!

I don’t give a shit if you just got hitched, just broke up, it's your once a month "Mom Jeans Night Out", or worse need attention because of your fucking daddy issues...get a GODDAMN room already, or at least, take it to the bathroom stall like I do. There are sexy ways to show you want to bone somebody and it doesn’t have to be done in front of multiple innocent victims who are forced to see your slimy stiff tongue reaching down some randos throat.

Coffee shops, restaurants, bars, or even walking down the street…keep your fucking mouth and dry humping to yourself. Nobody thinks it’s cute, or romantic. I don’t give a fuck if you think you are in love…most likely one of the two is fucking somebody else anyway and is currently infecting you with some sort of STD they just picked up.

If I wanted to watch two people get it on, I would rather watch porn or go to the swingers club. At least I can see some bitch’s asshole and a dude with real hair on his chest.

I mean riddle me this... Which would you rather watch?

a. Two people sucking face.

b. Two people fucking.

c. Three or more people fucking.

Hit me in the bathroom stall... I mean in the comment area and quit with your fucking PDA’s already…Its turning me into an alcoholic.

Never look a horse cock in the mouth.

I was fifteen and totally HOT for this older guy who went to a different high school. He played football which immediately made me wet, and he already had a five o’clock shadow. He was a senior and I was a freshman, I wanted SO bad to give him my adolescents on a platter. I would daydream about him in French class wondering what it would be like to French his fucking tasty mouth. He was like a young hot Jared Allen without the mullet. Even at fifteen I couldn’t help myself, I loved a man who could play football and knew how to use a bow and arrow.

One lucky night at a house party, with heavy drinking involved, he talked to me. My young blue eyes about popped out of my head and I immediately blamed it on my young perky tits, obviously nothing has changed. A few keg stands and a bong hit later I was cornered by my baby Jared Allen. My knees almost gave out when he pressed up against me and brushed his scruff on my face. The moment had arrived for him to finally make fireworks with his tongue.

As he leaned in and swept my blonde hair aside I felt a sharp darting stiff slimy fucker trying to attack my tonsils. A couple sloppy minutes later it was clear I needed get out as soon as possible!

His mouth meat wouldn’t stop DARTING! His slimy tongue was like a fucking chubby minnow fluttering in shallow water. I was so horrified I wanted to cry. WHY? Why was my hunky older dreamboat giving me scary CPR!

“SHIT! It’s past curfew time to go home…” I groaned. This was the ONLY time I faked that I really had a curfew. Lucky for me, I was normally a good kid.

Needless to say, he was after my young tang for the next six months even after I was totally offended by his mouth rape. I think he finally gave up when I let his friend, who did know how to kiss, feel me up right in front of him. Damn I was a cunt, still, nothing has changed.

The moral of the story, kissing sets the stage of how one will fuck.

You know that motherfucker still sucks at kissing. You learn how to kiss in high school and the fact that he was a senior and was a terrible kisser almost guarantees you’re dealing with a one-minute man.

A first kiss with somebody is super crucial. It doesn’t matter how wasted, nervous, or young you are, don’t rush it. If you are a good kisser, or a mediocre kisser who takes your time and catches on to the other person’s style, you WILL get laid. All of this happens literally in seconds, so it is crucial that you not fuck it up.

Most of this discussion is for the dudes since guys will fuck you even if you kiss like a nasty meth head with no teeth, but ladies take note. Guys will fuck you for a while if you kiss like a horse that just took a drink of water from a bucket, but they’ll move on as soon as they find another wet hole to stick their dick in.

I was totally shit canned one time in Florida a few years back and sucked a guys face after he pulled over to barf outside of his ride, and he STILL got laid. Even though he had just puked, he was a great kisser which turned into a damn good lay. I still to this day swear he lied to me about being a gynecologist.

A good kiss can get your name on the list when the first date bouncer checks you at the door. Hand those lips a 100 and suddenly you’re in the VIP getting your cork popped.

Here are a few key tips to a successful first kiss:

- Fucking floss or take care of your carcass breath. Even if you have just eaten, had a shot, whatever…try and take the opportunity to cleanse your palate. If you know you have nasty breathe or bad hygiene, hold off and play hard to get. Gum and mints are mandatory if you are in any type of first kiss situation. That means if you are single (or uncommitted) and somewhere other than work you better be ready. Luck favors the prepared as those Asian types say, so be ready to kiss and then have sex with one.

- Relax. Take a moment, breathe, and let it happen. Don’t go overboard and suck somebody’s face off. Start out slow and move with your partner’s style…like dancing. This is the first dance and if you want to fuck them against the wall you can’t just grab somebody by the hair at the club and drag them home. Start slowly and work your way up. Make them beg goddamn it!

- Use your fucking tongue already. I had a boyfriend that would NEVER use his tongue, and it was such a turn off. If done right, tongue is sexy and guaranteed to get you laid. Just don’t give your partner a cat bath.

- Control your tongue. My baby Jared Allen obviously thought a strong darting tongue was hot, but it was very frightening. A tongue is not a hard cock, be soft, gentle and only lick if completely necessary.

- Control your saliva. This isn’t like when you’re at the dentist and you pray for a moment to swallow, control how much is coming out.

- Pull away and tease. Don’t give your potential lay everything at once, take it slow and tease them with your mouth and tongue.

- Eye contact. Right before you lean in, eye contact is crucial and sexy. There is also NOTHING worse than fucking people who close their eyes the whole time, or fucking staring at you like a creepy psycho. A little eye contact goes a long way!

- Go with the flow, yo. Follow your potential lay’s style if it is working. If they want it a little rough, bite a little and get a gentle hair pull in. If they want it deep and slow, use this time to stick your hands down their pants.

- Body language! Press up against this lucky person and touch, touch, TOUCH! Do what you can to jump in the sack with this person! Human bodies love the feel of other naked human bodies. Kissing is fine and good as long as the goal is getting some fuck pipe or tang out of the deal.

- AND PLEASE!!! Kiss while you fuck! Nobody wants to suck face the whole time you are shagging, but at least take a few moments to kiss during sex, it keeps the juices flowing.


This makes me want to set up a kissing booth at the Rose Festival. I hear whiskey kills mouth herpes on contact…