“Honey!…I’m going down to the club for a few swings…”

Maybe Tiger could have saved everything if he would have told his wife what he ACTUALLY meant when he said that.

Yes, you can separate sex from love.

Tiger and Jesse James should take some advice from Mo’Nique. That’s right…she isn’t as precious as one might think. With her open marriage, Mo’Nique claims that being honest means letting her husband fuck whatever skinny bitches he wants and she can go on having hairy man legs. Which leads us to the topic of this week:

Can having an open relationship or marriage be the way to go?

You would be surprised how many people think so. Straight, gay, or bi…curiosity about open relationships can stay at jerking off to the girl at work or move to sitting on your barista’s face. Similar to ones genitals, I think each person is built in their own special fucked up way. Just like your clit is oversized or your parents decided not to circumsize you, one could also grow up to think that bringing home a third wheel is a good idea to spice things up. Sort of like a real life plastic fuck doll with…

“Sucking action and life like moans!!!”

My policy…Stop fucking judging, you bitch!

You think you know what a perfect relationship is all about? Go fuck yourself and then go fuck someone else. Maybe if you stopped playing “keep up with the Jones’” for one minute you’d realize that Mr. Jones is actually fucking his trainer…who is a man. Life isn’t all about driving a Lexus and blow jobs on his birthday, it is about mutual respect for your partner and finding out what makes shit work – whatever that means for two people, or three for that matter.

Like a monogamous relationship, open relationships have just as many rules. Just because you get to lick a stewardess’ asshole on your business trip and come home and chat about it while brushing your teeth…doesn’t mean there aren’t fucking boundaries. Yes, there are expectations, even for swingers… Isn’t life fucking grand?

I DID believe that individuals in open relationships can separate love from sex, until I learned of Polyamory (meaning many loves...not LOVERS). Poly’s are a type of open relationship community where individuals are with more than one person not for the act of sex, but to get more out of love and affection. They believe they are a responsible acceptable non-monogamous community. The Poly way of life is to have all your needs met emotionally and intimately, while developing strong life lasting relationships and families.

Yeah that sounds nice but then I’d have to care about them. That is just what I need, to deal with two fucking jerk offs not meeting my needs so why not go find a third? If it were me I would rather get fucked by all three and have them keep their goddamn whiskey traps shut.

Can you fucking imagine being in a relationship with multiple women with their goddamn PMS? Christ!

No thank you!

If you’re a Poly you need a best friend, life coach, and a partner and there’s no recreational sex in that open relationship. Boo!

I would say sign me up for the swinging...

Those old, fat, ugly, sweaty people, standing around in a circle waiting for their turn in a dark basement room that smells like budussy and incense…WRONG!!! Goddamn your asshole is tight!

A lot of swingers are very nice. Very attractive. Very Sexy. And very professional. That’s why at the nice places they make you sign like a thousand non-disclosure forms before you come in.

I love the Swingers.

Swinging is different from Polyamory because this open relationship is purely for the recreation of sex, not for multiple emotional connections. Swingers are a community of people who love to fuck, or as they say, “play”. And they may just have shit right. Not only do they host the greatest parties, but they also have a strict code of rules that this community truly believes in and follows.

One rule that I think rocks is No…ACTUALLY MEANS NO!

For example say a couple comes up and asks you to participate, come over, whatever…You say no. That’s it. They truly respect your wishes. In the swinger setting there’s no Guido wearing Ed Hardy hitting on you at the bar all night long trying to get you to guess the nickname of his penis. That fucking shit doesn’t happen in the world of swinging. And that what makes a swingers club a more preferable destination to most bars! You will have more fun with a group of swingers that respect your wishes and safety than having to worry about letting your cocktail out of your site.

The swinging community can be hosted between small groups, large private parties, or at clubs. No matter what it is, this is very much a community that believes in people having pleasure, respecting boundaries, and most of all being safe! Not to mention they are rolling in the fucking dough! How great would it be if you could prevent cheating, lying, and divorce with a threesome?

You will see very few singles as swingers, as it is mostly a couple activity. This community truly believes that sex and love are two separate things, and that having a loving relationship is a great thing. Swingers care more about being happy…whatever that means for somebody. Which is why they won’t judge you for wanting to be in a committed relationship with one person for the rest of your life. Swingers like to play…and they’re probably happier and more committed to each other than the Jones' ever could be.

Swingers CAN separate sex from love! This task which most friends I know cannot do, where I find it so simple. This may be why guys have to lie to women to get them to fuck them, which maybe one of the reasons why women think most guys are pigs. If you’d just put out to begin with you could avoid that whole problem. Your pussy isn't fucking hat magical!

YOU can separate sex from love. But you probably never will because you’re scared it makes you abnormal or a fucking whore.

Sex is sex…and love is love.

And humans are the only animals truly capable of both. Stop waiting for love before sex. DUMB DUMB DUMB!

I get so fucking sick of people being so pretentious and thinking every kiss, or every fuck is about love. Life isn’t a Danielle Steele novel. Grow the fuck up already! Haven't you been in love? Love is PAIN about 99% of the time, CHRIST!

If you want to be in love to have sex…go for it. Just don’t complain to me how you only get laid once a year. If you are not happy about how much you are getting laid and you have needs, desires, and fantasies…For God’s sake act on them! You were given a taint for a reason.


A lot of people I personally know are so scared to open their minds…and their legs. Nobody wrote the official rules on love and sexytime. Be the author of your own fucking life, if you need an editor once in awhile, that is what I’m here for!

Just always remember you are the owner, creator and director of the film of your life. Do you really want it to be a Disney movie? Or would you rather it turned out more like Boogie Nights… So pick up a pencil, or something a little more girthy, and start writing some excitement into your life…start this weekend. And remember the swingers as your mentors. You don't have to fuck in a group, just try to live your fantasy for once!

“We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.”


I wonder who said that...

Got your Irish Whiskey ready bitches?

There Is Nothing MORE Satisfying Than Happy Hour Tube Steak

Who doesn't like a big slab of fucking juicy meat? It is like a home cooked meal, or splurging on carbs and cheese - just hits you in the right spot.

Ladies, do you know that when you walk into a crowded room, at least 50% of those people will want to fuck you? Yes. It’s like happy hour and, everywhere you go, meat is on the menu. Mostly tube steak but in a big room there’s usually 1 or 2 dumb bisexual hobbyists who, after a few white wine spritzers, will be grabbing at your boobs.

Every man in the world stays up late at night dreaming (jerking off) about the situation you, as a woman, find yourself in daily.

TAKE ADVANTAGE!!!

I HATE it when women talk about how they can't get laid, or find a date. THERE IS A DIFFERENCE bitches!

Um...excuse me? Have you even fucking tried?

It is called lipstick and high heels. Women always forget that men don't care about feelings. They don't feel like they need a goddamn connection to have sex. PICKY PICKY! How about, he is HOT and interested?

But...

There is a difference between quality cock-n-balls and the awkward dick. I am not saying, "go fuck the first guy in the bar," but here are a few key tips that have proven successful.

- Freshly been fucked...

For some reason this phrase seems to be written on your forehead. When it rains it pours...and in a good way! When you are getting ass, it is like dudes sense it. My proudest ass phases are when I am getting the pick of the litter, and usually more than one at a time. This also happens when you are in a relationship. You get more ass offers than ever!

So, how do you get the attention even if you haven't been getting laid? This is a trick I call, "elevator music." Minutes before you walk into the swarm of people, pop a sexy CD in your car stereo. Something upbeat and HOT. Something that makes you think of a sexy moment you have had in the past, maybe it was in an elevator? Something naughty, hot, and made you feel like a woman. It could've even been in a damn janitor's closet! Whatever! Put on a hot CD, I recommend Portishead, Def Leopard, Pantera, or pretty much anything they play at a strip club. I guarantee that when you think of that hot moment while you are listening to that body rockin' song...you will walk into that bar like you have been freshly fucked.


- Built for comfort not for speed!

Ever gone to a show, or a bar and felt overdressed? Have you ever wished you could go home and change because you feel like your shit's too tight and you look like a hooker? Well, most likely that makes you come across as one insecure bitch. Even if you are a dope broad like myself, you are going to be pulling on straps, adjusting the girls, and after awhile you won't take your coat off. Finally, you will look like a stiff.

When you go shopping, and you try something on, don't buy it unless YOU LOVE IT...and it fits! Always consider how an outfit will get you laid. That is what I do everyday! I have written about this before, I know. Just try to be sexy. Sexiness doesn't mean wearing a pair of hooker shoes you can't walk in...or a strappy Mariah Carey dress. (Ewwww. BTW) If you are more worried about your outfit than making sex eyes with the hottie with the great smile...you are going to grow cobwebs in your snatch!

Over or under dressed? Really bitches? I should NOT have to tell you that your Nike's with the Plus system in the damn martini bar is a bad idea! Or maybe you shouldn't be wearing a borderline prom dress at a punk show?

Dress appropriately!

Not only because if you don't, you will look like a dumb bitch, but you will also feel out of place.

Guess what happens when you feel like the dumbest girl in the bar? You are. And you most likely will feel insecure and won't get laid. Well...I take that back. You will get laid...but not by the adorable Sam Worthington look alike, more like the fat Luke Wilson. Icky.


- Funbags and Funjugs!

Can you have fun already? Who wants to talk to the girl in the corner looking like Jennifer Grey? Come on Baby...have a little fun and let loose! Be that happy medium. Don't get wasted and go home with Whiskey Dick, or your Ex-boyfriend. Have fun with the people around you. Happy fun people attract happy fun people. Put your damn phone down, and stop texting people that AREN'T there! Nobody likes Debbie Downer...

PEOPLE would rather hang out with Debbie DOES Dallas!

Smile! Do you know how much more beautiful you are when you smile and have charisma? Somebody told me that when you smile and are happy, you sparkle! Sparkle already! There is something sexy about a girl who is having fun and smiling. Don't be so serious. If you a bummer, you are going to end up sleeping with grumpy Mr. Men's Warehouse with the Martini who keeps yelling at the bartender about his ex-wife. No way Jose!


- Eye fuck like you could be going blind!

You likey....you looky!

Nothing says I think you are hot and I want to lick your nut sack like a sexy glance. Little things like that invite him to talk to you, or gets you up off of your ass to talk to him. When you go up to the bar, or go to the bathroom, purposely walk by his table and look right at him and smile. When you are talking to your present company, casually flip your hair and look at him at the same time. Be aggressive with your eye contact but DON'T look at him like a Kathy Bates in Misery...look at him with soft fuck me eyes. Talk about him at the table. Yes, if you and your friends are talking about how damn hot he is, he will notice! When you look at him, don't think about how cute your babies would be together, think of how you want his unborn babies on your chest.


- FLIRT your ass off!

I am not about to teach anybody how to flirt. I think each one of us need to use the strengths in our personality for flirting. What makes you interesting? What makes him interesting? If he hasn't come to you yet, after your Carmen Electra hair flip, then be aggressive and go do one thing. Compliment him. Do it while you are getting a drink, or while he isn't in conversation. The key to the first flirt attempt is a compliment that leaves him wondering. Guys do this...and they always do it wrong (UM...you say I have nice earrings but you are looking at my tits...VERY subtle dumb ass). Men like to be complimented, but only do it ONCE! Don't give him more than one compliment right away; it makes them think they don't need to work at trying to win you over. I always go for something like, "you have a really nice smile, or voice, or eyelashes, shirt, facial hair, etc." Use something that is not too sexual right away. Remember, this is first flirt attempt. Then LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE!


- DO NOT LINGER!

What is the trick to ALL OF THIS?

As soon as you complete these steps, go away, but be in his view. After the ice breaks and the puppy gets fed his compliment, he will come to you. Make sure you have fun, but glance once or twice, because I promise he is looking. If he doesn't come up to you by the time you want to leave, be brave and go give him your number. I like to take a pen and physically write it on a dude's hand. So elementary, but you get to:


1. See what their hands look like (for another blog).

2. Physically touch them (you want to check out what’s going to be petting the kitty).

3. They'll actually look at it in the morning, unlike your stupid business card! If he doesn't call...he is either a jack ass, gay…or has a girlfriend (or all three).



So Lets Recap Ladies:

1. Scorpions: "Rock you like a Hurricane" in the car. Think of that bad girl hot time ON his Jeep...not in his Jeep.

2. Wear something that makes you feel sexy and sassy! Don't be a dumb cunt and wear rhinestones at a dive bar. Or worse, the towney bar.

3. Smile and have a good time! Regardless if you are trying to get laid or not, you are also there to have fun with your friends! Don't be a damn douche! Have fun, be happy and the ass will take care of itself.

4. Make those lashes eye fuck! Don't be Rodney Dangerfield...be Bettie Page!

5. Make him feel good about himself and don't even tell him your name! "I just had to tell you how much I LOVE your Molly Hatchet T-Shirt. Looks SOOOO great on you!" Then smile+fuck me eyes and walk away.

6. Enjoy the rest of your night. Regardless if he comes to you or not, some other dude has been eyeing your tricks the entire time and will gladly give you every inch of his attention.


God DAMN I’m sweating! Good thing I’m not wearing any panties.

NOW…Who’s buying me a shot? I would prefer Pendleton.