I know what I need...and I need it fast.

There is nothing better than having that person that you can call when it’s absolutely urgent to get fucked and you know it will just rock your world. The person who knows you don’t want to change anything else about what you are doing except meeting in a seedy bar and going in their car and banging it out. The sex is so incredible that you have to just call them in the middle of the night for an emergency orgasm. It is so fucking amazing that no matter who you are dating, if you are in a commitment, or you are just single...you need it and you need it fast.

Who doesn’t want that unattached sex that blows your mind...the sex that when you walk in the door it is fucking on and both of you are so fucking impatient you can’t even get all your clothing off. You can call them anytime, anywhere and you know that there will be hot sweaty sex without any strings attached.

Everybody needs that person and should have that person right now. You need to have that dirty slut or hot fucker that you barely know who can fuck you like nobody else can. No love making, no meeting the fucking parents, and absolutely no romance. I am talking hot and heavy sex when you want it and as fast as it can happen. No strings attached...just good and marinated and ready to go.

I know several people that have this person...and often change this person up from time to time. This person shouldn’t be somebody you would take home to mom or somebody you travel in the same social circle with. This person needs to be good looking, has all the right equipment, and knows how to shut their fucking trap. They also need to have reliable transportation so when you want it...you can get it. Trust me from experience...a fucking skateboard just isn’t going to get it done.

This isn’t a one night stand, this isn’t a friend with benefits situation, and this isn’t a fucking relationship whatsoever. This is a fucking booty call on goddamn
steroids! This is kind of like a reliable cell phone, a stiff martini, an good line of cocaine, and a hot shower... everybody needs one and it has to be quality.

Stop fucking that person that just doesn’t get it done! If you do find the person that does get you off...it doesn’t always mean you need to have a relationship with them. Sometimes a good fuck when you need it is a perfectly good relationship.

Start tonight. Go out there and find that person who makes you fucking crazy horny.

Remember...you don’t want this person so perfect that you will eventually want more than just an urgent telephone call in the middle of the night. You want them dirty, sexy, and to make you fucking cum like nobody else can...even if it is in a porta potty. Hey...I am not one to judge...trust me.

This is making me crazy...time to dial my booty call on steroids.

The leads are weak!? You’re weak.

Every man and woman should be getting fucked on a regular basis, regardless of your relationship status. If your significant other isn’t getting it done, or you have gone days in your single life without ...your little black book should be activated.

I am consistently shocked when my friends, especially women, complain about not getting laid. What the fuck is the problem? Haven’t you heard of a goddamn backup? Contingency plan? Plan B? Haven’t you been to a Karaoke bar or bowling recently? Who lets themselves go without? I would be a hot fucking mess if I didn’t have some rough sex and a stiff drink on a consistent basis.

Stop deleting phone numbers, even if the that fucking dumb cunt stopped calling you, or that douche bag fucked your friend instead…who knows when you will need a little pick me up? My phone and email contacts are filled more with booty calls than family, friends, and work…why isn’t yours?

I say each person should have at the VERY least a top ten dial-to-fuck. Number one being the most convenient and least committal. Number ten being a good shag, but only in desperate measures. Fuck, I have not only my top ten dial-to-fuck, but I also have dial-to-fucks in other cities and other countries, and just to be safe my AAA team. Literally, AAA team…cause they each know how to swing their goddamn stick.

There is no excuse for wining and crying about not having a porkfest. You should be able to pick up your fucking phone on a cold lonely night and have fun, commitment free, hot sweaty anal sex. If you are masturbating quite too often to porn or even more desperate True Blood…you need to take a long look at your contact list and start fucking dialing for nookie.

I know some of you may be pretty pathetic and haven’t been filling your little black book since grade school like I have, so here is a few tips to help.

- Prospecting isn’t just for sales people. Each time you are out getting a coffee, going for a quick run, shopping at the grocery store, or fucking getting your oil changed…make an attempt to get a goddamn email, facebook friend request, business card, or if you are a pimp…a cell phone number! Nobody says you need to have a fucking relationship…most of the time people want a drink and a roll in the hay.

- Start hitting up older friends, friendly exes, coworkers, acquaintance, your acquaintance exes, and if your really desperate social networking buddies. Just send friendly messages letting them know you are thinking about them…and keep their information! You never know when a few friendly messages could turn into a drink or fuck invite.

- Become overly friendly. Start building that cold call list of yours by randomly talking to that hot bitch waiting to pay her tab at the bar, or that hunky stud waiting for the bathroom. Random people in random places are more open to chat than in their social circle. Being bold and friendly gets you a free pass to fuck or get fucked in the face.

As soon as you start building a better prospecting list, start testing them out when you get home from the bar. Everybody knows when they are getting booty called; the ones that respond are keepers!

Stop deleting numbers, and keep a top ten dial-to-fuck list in your phone, on your desktop, or posted on your fucking bathroom mirror. There is no excuse for this behavior…sex is meant to be fun…not dramatic and about commitment. Barf.

I think I will rummage through the ole black book tonight and give a few out. Friends do share ya know.