Crazy Bitch or Psycho Hose Beast?

Some of us women have had our fair share of horrible break ups, terrible fights, and a crush you can never make your own. We have also had “the one that got away”, and have also been “the crazy one” in an heated moment from time to time.

I was so upset after a break up in high school I swore I would never recover. I used to scream down the hallways at his new girlfriend and made both their lives a living hell. Soon I realized what a fucking loser that guys is, and that acting like that WAS SO high school and should STAY in high school.

A lot of women I know are nuts, but in a good way. They fuck like wild animals, have awesome drunken stories, fingerbang strippers, and they get in heated football arguments against very large men. ‘Good Crazy’ is being upset after a break up and forgetting about it by screwing a basketball team or having a bonfire with a few old pictures and a bottle of whiskey. These women only sometimes make you concerned about your safety, but you still want to fuck them upside down.

Nothing tops a real psycho bitch.

This bitch makes multiple calls to her boyfriend or ex-boyfriend when he is out with his friends and is listening for any sign of a woman in the background. This bitch also cries each and every time he goes to a strip club and gets upset when he sits next to another woman in a cube at work.

This crazy cunt will also take things to the next level by slowly driving by her boyfriends or ex-boyfriends house to see if there is another car in the driveway, calls the cops and claims false physical abuse, or slashes tires and spray paints a mother fuckers car.

What the fuck is wrong with this picture? If you act like this…you need to go to fucking therapy to control your goddamn daddy issues!

Here are some other signs you are a ‘Psycho Hose Beast'…

1. If you are DAILY searching a mother fuckers facebook to see who they are tagged in pictures with and read all of their friends walls to see what he is up to.

2. If you are driving by your old boyfriends house, work, favorite bars, and each of his friend’s house to see a glimpse of him or whom he may be with.

3. If you are still telling people you are in a relationship with a dude that already broke up with you and has moved on (you are what I like to call “A Stacey”), why don’t you just buy him a fucking gun rack already!

4. If you are so obsessed with what your ex is doing years later and you can’t stop stalking him or haven’t slept with somebody else in order to move on, you are pretty pathetic.

I beg to all guys out there, dump that bitch fast if she is showing signs of ‘Psycho Crazy’ and not ‘Good Crazy’. Unfortunately for most dudes, you are too fucking stupid to tell until you are in jail for something you didn’t do.

I beg to all girlfriends of a bitch like this….friends don’t let friends become Tonya Harding! She might end up fucking your dad and then throwing a hubcap at you! Tell your friend she is being seriously crazy…it can only make her life better.

I beg to the goddamn Psycho Crazy Hose Beast’s out there, move the fuck on already! Start fucking somebody else, get some fucking confidence, or become that stripper you always wanted to be. It is not okay to be like this forever. Sometimes shit makes us crazy, but you need to admit your problems and move the fuck forward!

Fuck…this makes me want to get drunk and yell at somebody.

Watermelon cools you off on a hot sticky summer night...

There is nothing better than making a hot day even hotter. What good is summer without a little roll in the hay…literally?

Summer isn’t over yet, and there is still time to make up for the lack of sex you have had. Don’t make me name names, but if you are doing nothing but giving a hand job in a tent this summer, you either need to be slipped an Ambien, or wake the fuck up! Summer is for sex, sex, and more sex. Why do you think over half of marriages and relationships end before summer? People want to play and not be locked into a goddamn commitment.

Living in Portland there are so many options for getting good and fucked in the open air. Here is my suggested list of hot dates that could lead to good oral stimulation in the grass.

Taste what I have in my mouth!
A little wine tasting or beer tasting is always a fun way to get outside, get drunk, and get a little action in the valley. Hiding in the vines is sexy and you can put grapes in places you never have before.

If the monkeys can do it, why can’t I?
Nothing says sex like the Zoo. What would a date be without than watching animals jerk off and wipe their cum on leaves? Go find an area outside of the lion den to get busy, and make sure to go later when mom jeans and the fucking kid factory has left.

I know I am Goth, but what are you?
There is nothing more sick and twisted than getting the shocker in a dingy quiet cemetery as you lean over grandpa Big Johnson’s grave stone. I’ve got stories Stephen King would masturbate to.

Skinny-dipping isn’t just for country kids!
Take a moment and hit the Sandy River. There are plenty of areas around the beaches where you can strip it off and be one with nature. I say you haven’t been fucked hard until it has been in the middle of the rapids on a hot rock!

It is time to be a tree hugger.
Those fucking hippies don’t have to be the only ones fucking a tree. While camping, hiking, or even in your front yard, take a moment to wrap your arms or your legs around a tree while getting your taint licked. That is what I call organic!

Doggy style with a view.
Who doesn’t love a good view, especially when you are being railed from behind. Take a moment to check out Pittock Mansion. If you are with the right girl you might even get a tour of the inside of the Buttock, I mean, the Pittock.

Finally having God present when you scream his name.
Nothing is more fucked up than a little public sex at the peaceful oasis in the midst of the city, the Grotto. You know that place you went for your Baccalaureate? Take a time to revisit and prove what a good person you have become.

Take my fucking advice already! Not only should Portlanders be taking advantage of the great weather right now, but they should be also taking advantage of a little 69 while picnicking. I am serious. I would like to walk through the Rose Gardens and come around a bush and find someone picnicking on a bush. I want it to be you…perhaps with watermelon dripping down your crack.

Your summer needs to be fun, dumb and full of cum. Even if you aren’t on the flesh market make your partner(s) dine at your deli in the bathroom of your local deli! Or do it in the butte…Rocky Butte.

Remember...you should always be publicly intoxicated in addition to being publicly indecent.

Bring a bottle or two and make it memorable!

Don’t waste your spank bank on a goddamn Gorilla!

Everyone has a sick fuck; we have gone over that. But what about your fantasy fuck?

I have had a large handful of fantasy fucks. I would daydream and masturbate all day just imagining what it would be like to pork my fantasy fucks. I would get so wound up sometimes I would make my fantasy fuck, a reality fuck. Take some advice from one seriously determined slut, keep your fantasies…Fantasies!

Just like a sex dream, the sex is never as awesome as you imagined it. Just like a lead singer in a band, they are never as good as they are on stage.

I met this guy in Vegas, and I was SUPER stoked over his knowledge of metal, and of course, he was in a metal band. Tasty, tasty, tasty. His Slayer t-shirt and black fingernails made me want to rip my dress right off!

I soon found out this hot piece of meat lived in Portland! I was so thrilled, I was trying everything to get him to pull my hair in the middle of a goddamn casino. Those fucking blue hairs could suck my dick as far as I was concerned!

A few conversations later, I found out my metal dreamboat had a goddamn girlfriend! Not fair! I then took every opportunity to make this band mate (out of the 600 I have dated) mine.

One happy Saturday, months of masturbating later, I got a text message from this fantasy fuck. Not only was he sexting me all the sudden, but he was asking me on a date to a metal show. I obviously told him I was busy, and 5 hours later accepted, while I warmed myself up for my date that evening.

After a hot night of long hair, sweat, and bloody knuckles I was marinated and ready to go. I almost jumped out of my Vans high tops when he asked if I wanted a nightcap at his place. DEAR GOD!

I followed Mr. Metal Head while he drove his hot big lifted truck to a sexy house he owned. I found myself already moaning as I made my way down his driveway.

What seemed like fucking six hours was about 20 minutes of a drink and a walk around his property. I was ready to fuck that shit like a goddamn potbelly pig in heat, and I couldn’t wait to have him spanking my ass raw!

Watch what you wish for.

Two minutes and gorilla fighting squeals out of his mouth later, I needed a fucking rape shower. Not only was this the shortest and worst sex of my life, I literally thought I needed to pick up a flea treatment on the way home. Obviously, I immediately made up some story as I ran out of his house in tears.

My fantasy fuck was a goddamn gorilla with bad pecks. How could I be so naïve and stupid? For a smart slut, I had seriously missed the pin on this one.

This was the LAST time I forced a fantasy fuck into my pants. I have a consistent group of fantasy fucks I like to keep in my pocket for a rainy day, but I know I will always be disappointed. It is better to fuck what makes you physically hot, whether that be in a relationship, affair, multiple gangbangs, whatever makes one happy.

Think of all the porn and sex scenes we have all watched…you don’t think that has anything to do with the fantasies we create in our heads? I know for a fact that mine involves a snow shovel and rubber gloves, and that is pretty unrealistic...unfortunately.

What we dream up in our little noggins isn’t what will happen. In only one occasion have I been blown away and impressed with what a fantasy fuck has had to offer me. But yes, he was a rock star, and is still a fantasy fuck.

Take my advice, keep your fantasy fuck a fantasy, or you will be out of spank bank before you know it!

This blog calls for some online porn and a shot of whiskey.

You can get cherries all year long. It is time for them to be picked!

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The Clock Strikes Two…You Want To Fuck Who?

Remember the time you fucked that fat chick? Or when you sat on your stinky short professor’s face? How about the time you masturbated while watching the WWE? I know I can’t be the only one who has done all three!

I always like to ask people, “Who is your sick fuck?” Everybody has either a story, or is crushin’ on that piece of shit none of their friends would dare to even hang out with.

Who is that one person you would lay it down for, if nobody would ever find out?

I’ve found it quite fascinating to hear all sorts of sick fucks. A sick fuck can be one of a few people. It can be somebody that you casually have sex with from time to time but would never dare include in your social circle, a disgusting crush that you have and wonder why, and last but not least…your fantasy sick fuck, that completely nasty celebrity that most people would cringe to think about sexually.

Yes, I have had my fair share of sick fucks.

The person I would NEVER admit to fucking was most likely because he was completely the opposite of me. In college, I was quite a wild child, as you can imagine. I wore every heavy metal t-shirt and slutty mini I could find at a thrift store, cared more about drugs and alcohol than a real education, and yet somehow got decent grades and graduated. I didn’t take college very seriously, only having sex. I had a thing for a popped collared, political junkie, faux hawk wearing preppie. Don’t judge.

It was almost like a challenge to get him to stare at my boobs once a day. After several emotionally abusive attacks toward him and a hot classroom later, I found myself at a lousy frat party wanting his spray tan to stain me. I was so obsessed; I had to make this sick fuck come true. That’s right, a few keg stands and a special red cup later, I was all his. This is an example of how I became “always a closer” later in life.

I think each person should have this type of opportunity at least once in life, no matter how old you are. You never really know if your sick fuck will actually be the person you have always looked for. Maybe Mr. Faux Hawk could have swept me off my feet? They do say opposites attract.

Ahhh the fantasy sick fuck. This is my favorite part, and where a lot of porn comes from. People want to stay clear of certain types of characters, but just can’t help masturbating to them.

For example, one of my closest friends claims her fantasy sick fuck is George Bush, my other friend, I swear, is secretly obsessed with Yanni. Yanni? How can anybody get off on a man that wears more sparkles than a grandmother in Reno? This makes me want to choke to death on my own vomit. That is one mustache I would not ride!

My fantasy sick fuck began as a tween. Luckily for me, my parents let me watch whatever I wanted on TV, and why wouldn't a little blonde girl want to watch some twisted nasty comedy? MY fantasy sick fuck shockingly is Andrew Dice Clay. I have never wanted to be Little Miss Muffet so bad.

I think people shouldn’t repress their sick fucks, but embrace them. There is something about that person that drives you wild, and it could be that it is different and rebellious. Don’t be shy. Try your sick fuck on for size. You just might be surprised that the shoe actually fits.

As I am sure you have read, I encourage everybody to expand their horizons and their portfolio. Sometimes you just might find that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and if not…well, least you can store it in your spank bank.

I think I am going to go put on my leather jacket, smoke a cigarette, bust out the bullet, and listen to some good old fashion nursery rhymes.

I want a sick fuck confession list. Come on…inspire me!

Did I say Fleet Week? I mean SKEET Week.

The first time I fucked a sailor during the Rose Festival, I had NO idea how fucking sick fleet week was. The first ship to come in and get gay men and Portland women wet was in 1907. Over 100 years ago bitches were getting together, putting on those hot garter belts and stockings, getting liquored up, and then getting pregnant. Nothing has changed, except now we have the Lovejoy clinic one century later. 

AHhhhh...nothing says STD like a rough and tough young sailor who doesn’t know where to put his cock. It is almost like your high school prom ALL over again! I just can't help but want to suck some sailor's face off. Tasty tall muscle men that aren’t from the skinny jean capital of the world…SIGN ME UP! It is like going on vacation and fucking the whole hotel and then coming home guilt free. That is fleet week. 

Why are women obsessed with a man in a uniform?

I have a friend who is a serial pig dater. I swear she is begging to get fucking pulled over so she can pull him out. I wouldn’t put it past her to take a goddamn sledgehammer to her breaks lights before she drives around downtown on a late night. That dirty whore gets wet even when we go out to breakfast and she gets a whiff of Miss Crispy bacon on the side sitting across the table from her.  

We just can’t help it. A man in a uniform is much better than the alternative, a man with a shitty job and a popped collar.  

Fleet week is like a dream come true. They actually run extra max and bus times just to support the dirty whores in Gresham and Hillsboro. It doesn’t matter what bar, restaurant, or shop you go to downtown during this week, you are always in for a muscle man treat. 

I find myself mindlessly shopping for panties, and I shit you not, I end up pantieless in a fucking photo booth outside the Ferris wheel. I used to think a mature woman would be past all this fleet week shit, but then I realized you can fuck them and never see them again. Nothing says maturity more than getting what you need and making yourself happy…in between your legs. Just call him Mr. Sailor, or chief boot knocka if he is higher ranked.

Finally Sir Mix-a-Lot pays off in my blog. 

No matter how old a bitch is when June rolls around, she should be dumb, young, and full of seaman cum. 

How can any woman, young or old, get more than her fair share of a sub sandwich? 

Wear a wedding ring! No matter if you are married or not, a sailor wants a dirty whore WITH commitments. You know that motherfucker doesn’t want to know your real name and have you facebook stalk him. He wants to just put it in your ass. Let’s be realistic, nobody is getting engaged at the Meet The Fleet Ball. 

Take your panties off. I know that most women feel sexy and a bit dirty when going without their britches. Take them off and put it in his pocket. I promise, from personal experience, it is a guaranteed to get face fucked move. 

Throw a cougar kegger! That’s right, military ID’s get in free and all your horny single, or unsingle girlfriends get to have some young fresh meat. Don’t you remember what it looks like when a dude without man boobs does a keg stand? It is like a porno for Christ sake! 

How can a straight man benefit off this holy horniness?
 
If you can’t beat em, join em. Don’t be a fucking idiot; there are plenty of sailor costumes in Portland begging to be left on a slutty girl’s floor. That’s right, dress up and pretend to be a fucking sailor. By midnight ho’s will be all over you with no questions asked. Fucking score! 

Buy the MILF a cocktail already! If you are out in downtown Portland during this time, buy a lady a drink. With all the young whores with fake ID’s in the room, a man with some fucking class might walk out of there with a MILF or two? She is going to be so sick of competing with the 20-year-old plastic fuck doll, you won’t even have to tell her your name.

Befriend the American heroes. Look for the dumb sailors that don't have many friends and offer to buy the heros a drink. Thank them for all they do for your country and before you know it, this little seaman will be attracting more sluts than a brand new Labrador puppy. Girls will find YOU more appealing just for supporting an American soldier. You’d be surprised how many dumb dudes hate and don’t take advantage.
 
All this talk of white tight pants and shirts bulging at the buttons of a man’s chest instead of his belly makes me so wet.  

If you want to find the Ramblin’ Broad this week, look for me waving good-bye from a ship as it sails away. I promise to still write every week, as long as you ship me whiskey in little scope bottles. 
 

If the Cheerio fits, don’t eat it.

The first time I saw a really, really small penis was only a few years ago. Considering my “recreational” activities, I was surprised that this was the first time. I always thought I was a pimp and just somehow collected large cocks, but that came to a screeching halt one hot summer night.

I was so shocked by this new gentleman's small penis I actually screamed and I am sure had a look of horror on my face. He said, “I know I don’t have a porn star penis…” I was like OMG; my clit is bigger than your penis. What the fuck. Shockingly I ran out of the dark room in complete fucking horror and never looked back.

Poor guy? I don’t fucking think so.

I DO NOT feel sorry for men with very small penises or for bitches with meat curtains. This isn’t the fucking dark ages; there are surgeries to fix these problems…and it is NOT worth living life-frightening people with your genitals.

Size does matter, and I don’t care what you fucking dumb bitches say. You dumb cunts who “love” your small cocked man are fucked up. Only women that have a small cock at home says size doesn't matter. You obviously have insecurity problems and no class what-so-ever for fucking staying with a dude longer than one night who is packing a goddamn pencil eraser. Those men should be shunned from society and put on a deserted island or sent to the Middle East. Nobody wants to see that shit, and furthermore, nobody wants to try and feel that shit. Size does matter, and does make a fucking difference.

However, you can have a big dick and not know what to do with it. If this is the case, first congrats, and secondly, why don’t you watch some porn already and get crackin on that ass? Men who don’t know what to do with their cocks obviously haven’t been laid enough. If you think it is sweet to wait until you really care about somebody to have sex, you aren’t a real man, and most likely a hermaphrodite.

Why do bitches call their men out?

Yeah…you know who you are, the fucking cunt that says her ex-boyfriend had a small penis EVERY time she is in a break up. You are a dumb cunt.

You obviously don’t realize that telling everybody your ex had a small cock or didn’t know how to fuck is really hurting you more than him. You were the bitch that stuck around and let him pork you, didn’t you? HELLO? Obviously YOU were the problem and not him. If you are one of those fucking bitches, I can tell you right now that he is one lucky guy to get rid of your stupid swamp ass.

If you have a small cock, hide. Hide from society and never come back unless you get surgery or a successful penis pump. There is no excuse for a man having a penis smaller than my thumb. That is a deformity and your mother should be smacked in the fucking mouth for not getting it fixed sooner. You need to sac up, save some money and get that shit fixed. Otherwise you are going to end up dating fucking Daddy Issues, and Goddamn Crazy Cunt’s for the rest of your life. Have fun with that.

If you have a fucking saggy labia or clit - Christ. First off, you are a whore…and congratulations. I think every woman who has a ton of sex just for the fun of it is my goddamn hero. There is nothing I can’t stand more than a dumb bitch who fucking has to be in love to have sex. GOD…that is how you end up with a fucking boyfriend with an STD, or how you will become a goddamn beard.

Clip that shit already! Reconstructive surgery is very quick, easy, and affordable these days. It is much worse to get your wisdom teeth pulled than your labia clipped back. Just take care of business already, if strippers can afford it…so can you!

Can you tell I hate a small cock?

I need a drink.

and a friend who is a hermaphrodite, wouldn't that make for good material?