You can get cherries all year long. It is time for them to be picked!

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The Clock Strikes Two…You Want To Fuck Who?

Remember the time you fucked that fat chick? Or when you sat on your stinky short professor’s face? How about the time you masturbated while watching the WWE? I know I can’t be the only one who has done all three!

I always like to ask people, “Who is your sick fuck?” Everybody has either a story, or is crushin’ on that piece of shit none of their friends would dare to even hang out with.

Who is that one person you would lay it down for, if nobody would ever find out?

I’ve found it quite fascinating to hear all sorts of sick fucks. A sick fuck can be one of a few people. It can be somebody that you casually have sex with from time to time but would never dare include in your social circle, a disgusting crush that you have and wonder why, and last but not least…your fantasy sick fuck, that completely nasty celebrity that most people would cringe to think about sexually.

Yes, I have had my fair share of sick fucks.

The person I would NEVER admit to fucking was most likely because he was completely the opposite of me. In college, I was quite a wild child, as you can imagine. I wore every heavy metal t-shirt and slutty mini I could find at a thrift store, cared more about drugs and alcohol than a real education, and yet somehow got decent grades and graduated. I didn’t take college very seriously, only having sex. I had a thing for a popped collared, political junkie, faux hawk wearing preppie. Don’t judge.

It was almost like a challenge to get him to stare at my boobs once a day. After several emotionally abusive attacks toward him and a hot classroom later, I found myself at a lousy frat party wanting his spray tan to stain me. I was so obsessed; I had to make this sick fuck come true. That’s right, a few keg stands and a special red cup later, I was all his. This is an example of how I became “always a closer” later in life.

I think each person should have this type of opportunity at least once in life, no matter how old you are. You never really know if your sick fuck will actually be the person you have always looked for. Maybe Mr. Faux Hawk could have swept me off my feet? They do say opposites attract.

Ahhh the fantasy sick fuck. This is my favorite part, and where a lot of porn comes from. People want to stay clear of certain types of characters, but just can’t help masturbating to them.

For example, one of my closest friends claims her fantasy sick fuck is George Bush, my other friend, I swear, is secretly obsessed with Yanni. Yanni? How can anybody get off on a man that wears more sparkles than a grandmother in Reno? This makes me want to choke to death on my own vomit. That is one mustache I would not ride!

My fantasy sick fuck began as a tween. Luckily for me, my parents let me watch whatever I wanted on TV, and why wouldn't a little blonde girl want to watch some twisted nasty comedy? MY fantasy sick fuck shockingly is Andrew Dice Clay. I have never wanted to be Little Miss Muffet so bad.

I think people shouldn’t repress their sick fucks, but embrace them. There is something about that person that drives you wild, and it could be that it is different and rebellious. Don’t be shy. Try your sick fuck on for size. You just might be surprised that the shoe actually fits.

As I am sure you have read, I encourage everybody to expand their horizons and their portfolio. Sometimes you just might find that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and if not…well, least you can store it in your spank bank.

I think I am going to go put on my leather jacket, smoke a cigarette, bust out the bullet, and listen to some good old fashion nursery rhymes.

I want a sick fuck confession list. Come on…inspire me!

Did I say Fleet Week? I mean SKEET Week.

The first time I fucked a sailor during the Rose Festival, I had NO idea how fucking sick fleet week was. The first ship to come in and get gay men and Portland women wet was in 1907. Over 100 years ago bitches were getting together, putting on those hot garter belts and stockings, getting liquored up, and then getting pregnant. Nothing has changed, except now we have the Lovejoy clinic one century later. 

AHhhhh...nothing says STD like a rough and tough young sailor who doesn’t know where to put his cock. It is almost like your high school prom ALL over again! I just can't help but want to suck some sailor's face off. Tasty tall muscle men that aren’t from the skinny jean capital of the world…SIGN ME UP! It is like going on vacation and fucking the whole hotel and then coming home guilt free. That is fleet week. 

Why are women obsessed with a man in a uniform?

I have a friend who is a serial pig dater. I swear she is begging to get fucking pulled over so she can pull him out. I wouldn’t put it past her to take a goddamn sledgehammer to her breaks lights before she drives around downtown on a late night. That dirty whore gets wet even when we go out to breakfast and she gets a whiff of Miss Crispy bacon on the side sitting across the table from her.  

We just can’t help it. A man in a uniform is much better than the alternative, a man with a shitty job and a popped collar.  

Fleet week is like a dream come true. They actually run extra max and bus times just to support the dirty whores in Gresham and Hillsboro. It doesn’t matter what bar, restaurant, or shop you go to downtown during this week, you are always in for a muscle man treat. 

I find myself mindlessly shopping for panties, and I shit you not, I end up pantieless in a fucking photo booth outside the Ferris wheel. I used to think a mature woman would be past all this fleet week shit, but then I realized you can fuck them and never see them again. Nothing says maturity more than getting what you need and making yourself happy…in between your legs. Just call him Mr. Sailor, or chief boot knocka if he is higher ranked.

Finally Sir Mix-a-Lot pays off in my blog. 

No matter how old a bitch is when June rolls around, she should be dumb, young, and full of seaman cum. 

How can any woman, young or old, get more than her fair share of a sub sandwich? 

Wear a wedding ring! No matter if you are married or not, a sailor wants a dirty whore WITH commitments. You know that motherfucker doesn’t want to know your real name and have you facebook stalk him. He wants to just put it in your ass. Let’s be realistic, nobody is getting engaged at the Meet The Fleet Ball. 

Take your panties off. I know that most women feel sexy and a bit dirty when going without their britches. Take them off and put it in his pocket. I promise, from personal experience, it is a guaranteed to get face fucked move. 

Throw a cougar kegger! That’s right, military ID’s get in free and all your horny single, or unsingle girlfriends get to have some young fresh meat. Don’t you remember what it looks like when a dude without man boobs does a keg stand? It is like a porno for Christ sake! 

How can a straight man benefit off this holy horniness?
 
If you can’t beat em, join em. Don’t be a fucking idiot; there are plenty of sailor costumes in Portland begging to be left on a slutty girl’s floor. That’s right, dress up and pretend to be a fucking sailor. By midnight ho’s will be all over you with no questions asked. Fucking score! 

Buy the MILF a cocktail already! If you are out in downtown Portland during this time, buy a lady a drink. With all the young whores with fake ID’s in the room, a man with some fucking class might walk out of there with a MILF or two? She is going to be so sick of competing with the 20-year-old plastic fuck doll, you won’t even have to tell her your name.

Befriend the American heroes. Look for the dumb sailors that don't have many friends and offer to buy the heros a drink. Thank them for all they do for your country and before you know it, this little seaman will be attracting more sluts than a brand new Labrador puppy. Girls will find YOU more appealing just for supporting an American soldier. You’d be surprised how many dumb dudes hate and don’t take advantage.
 
All this talk of white tight pants and shirts bulging at the buttons of a man’s chest instead of his belly makes me so wet.  

If you want to find the Ramblin’ Broad this week, look for me waving good-bye from a ship as it sails away. I promise to still write every week, as long as you ship me whiskey in little scope bottles. 
 

If the Cheerio fits, don’t eat it.

The first time I saw a really, really small penis was only a few years ago. Considering my “recreational” activities, I was surprised that this was the first time. I always thought I was a pimp and just somehow collected large cocks, but that came to a screeching halt one hot summer night.

I was so shocked by this new gentleman's small penis I actually screamed and I am sure had a look of horror on my face. He said, “I know I don’t have a porn star penis…” I was like OMG; my clit is bigger than your penis. What the fuck. Shockingly I ran out of the dark room in complete fucking horror and never looked back.

Poor guy? I don’t fucking think so.

I DO NOT feel sorry for men with very small penises or for bitches with meat curtains. This isn’t the fucking dark ages; there are surgeries to fix these problems…and it is NOT worth living life-frightening people with your genitals.

Size does matter, and I don’t care what you fucking dumb bitches say. You dumb cunts who “love” your small cocked man are fucked up. Only women that have a small cock at home says size doesn't matter. You obviously have insecurity problems and no class what-so-ever for fucking staying with a dude longer than one night who is packing a goddamn pencil eraser. Those men should be shunned from society and put on a deserted island or sent to the Middle East. Nobody wants to see that shit, and furthermore, nobody wants to try and feel that shit. Size does matter, and does make a fucking difference.

However, you can have a big dick and not know what to do with it. If this is the case, first congrats, and secondly, why don’t you watch some porn already and get crackin on that ass? Men who don’t know what to do with their cocks obviously haven’t been laid enough. If you think it is sweet to wait until you really care about somebody to have sex, you aren’t a real man, and most likely a hermaphrodite.

Why do bitches call their men out?

Yeah…you know who you are, the fucking cunt that says her ex-boyfriend had a small penis EVERY time she is in a break up. You are a dumb cunt.

You obviously don’t realize that telling everybody your ex had a small cock or didn’t know how to fuck is really hurting you more than him. You were the bitch that stuck around and let him pork you, didn’t you? HELLO? Obviously YOU were the problem and not him. If you are one of those fucking bitches, I can tell you right now that he is one lucky guy to get rid of your stupid swamp ass.

If you have a small cock, hide. Hide from society and never come back unless you get surgery or a successful penis pump. There is no excuse for a man having a penis smaller than my thumb. That is a deformity and your mother should be smacked in the fucking mouth for not getting it fixed sooner. You need to sac up, save some money and get that shit fixed. Otherwise you are going to end up dating fucking Daddy Issues, and Goddamn Crazy Cunt’s for the rest of your life. Have fun with that.

If you have a fucking saggy labia or clit - Christ. First off, you are a whore…and congratulations. I think every woman who has a ton of sex just for the fun of it is my goddamn hero. There is nothing I can’t stand more than a dumb bitch who fucking has to be in love to have sex. GOD…that is how you end up with a fucking boyfriend with an STD, or how you will become a goddamn beard.

Clip that shit already! Reconstructive surgery is very quick, easy, and affordable these days. It is much worse to get your wisdom teeth pulled than your labia clipped back. Just take care of business already, if strippers can afford it…so can you!

Can you tell I hate a small cock?

I need a drink.

and a friend who is a hermaphrodite, wouldn't that make for good material?

Never look a horse cock in the mouth.

I was fifteen and totally HOT for this older guy who went to a different high school. He played football which immediately made me wet, and he already had a five o’clock shadow. He was a senior and I was a freshman, I wanted SO bad to give him my adolescents on a platter. I would daydream about him in French class wondering what it would be like to French his fucking tasty mouth. He was like a young hot Jared Allen without the mullet. Even at fifteen I couldn’t help myself, I loved a man who could play football and knew how to use a bow and arrow.

One lucky night at a house party, with heavy drinking involved, he talked to me. My young blue eyes about popped out of my head and I immediately blamed it on my young perky tits, obviously nothing has changed. A few keg stands and a bong hit later I was cornered by my baby Jared Allen. My knees almost gave out when he pressed up against me and brushed his scruff on my face. The moment had arrived for him to finally make fireworks with his tongue.

As he leaned in and swept my blonde hair aside I felt a sharp darting stiff slimy fucker trying to attack my tonsils. A couple sloppy minutes later it was clear I needed get out as soon as possible!

His mouth meat wouldn’t stop DARTING! His slimy tongue was like a fucking chubby minnow fluttering in shallow water. I was so horrified I wanted to cry. WHY? Why was my hunky older dreamboat giving me scary CPR!

“SHIT! It’s past curfew time to go home…” I groaned. This was the ONLY time I faked that I really had a curfew. Lucky for me, I was normally a good kid.

Needless to say, he was after my young tang for the next six months even after I was totally offended by his mouth rape. I think he finally gave up when I let his friend, who did know how to kiss, feel me up right in front of him. Damn I was a cunt, still, nothing has changed.

The moral of the story, kissing sets the stage of how one will fuck.

You know that motherfucker still sucks at kissing. You learn how to kiss in high school and the fact that he was a senior and was a terrible kisser almost guarantees you’re dealing with a one-minute man.

A first kiss with somebody is super crucial. It doesn’t matter how wasted, nervous, or young you are, don’t rush it. If you are a good kisser, or a mediocre kisser who takes your time and catches on to the other person’s style, you WILL get laid. All of this happens literally in seconds, so it is crucial that you not fuck it up.

Most of this discussion is for the dudes since guys will fuck you even if you kiss like a nasty meth head with no teeth, but ladies take note. Guys will fuck you for a while if you kiss like a horse that just took a drink of water from a bucket, but they’ll move on as soon as they find another wet hole to stick their dick in.

I was totally shit canned one time in Florida a few years back and sucked a guys face after he pulled over to barf outside of his ride, and he STILL got laid. Even though he had just puked, he was a great kisser which turned into a damn good lay. I still to this day swear he lied to me about being a gynecologist.

A good kiss can get your name on the list when the first date bouncer checks you at the door. Hand those lips a 100 and suddenly you’re in the VIP getting your cork popped.

Here are a few key tips to a successful first kiss:

- Fucking floss or take care of your carcass breath. Even if you have just eaten, had a shot, whatever…try and take the opportunity to cleanse your palate. If you know you have nasty breathe or bad hygiene, hold off and play hard to get. Gum and mints are mandatory if you are in any type of first kiss situation. That means if you are single (or uncommitted) and somewhere other than work you better be ready. Luck favors the prepared as those Asian types say, so be ready to kiss and then have sex with one.

- Relax. Take a moment, breathe, and let it happen. Don’t go overboard and suck somebody’s face off. Start out slow and move with your partner’s style…like dancing. This is the first dance and if you want to fuck them against the wall you can’t just grab somebody by the hair at the club and drag them home. Start slowly and work your way up. Make them beg goddamn it!

- Use your fucking tongue already. I had a boyfriend that would NEVER use his tongue, and it was such a turn off. If done right, tongue is sexy and guaranteed to get you laid. Just don’t give your partner a cat bath.

- Control your tongue. My baby Jared Allen obviously thought a strong darting tongue was hot, but it was very frightening. A tongue is not a hard cock, be soft, gentle and only lick if completely necessary.

- Control your saliva. This isn’t like when you’re at the dentist and you pray for a moment to swallow, control how much is coming out.

- Pull away and tease. Don’t give your potential lay everything at once, take it slow and tease them with your mouth and tongue.

- Eye contact. Right before you lean in, eye contact is crucial and sexy. There is also NOTHING worse than fucking people who close their eyes the whole time, or fucking staring at you like a creepy psycho. A little eye contact goes a long way!

- Go with the flow, yo. Follow your potential lay’s style if it is working. If they want it a little rough, bite a little and get a gentle hair pull in. If they want it deep and slow, use this time to stick your hands down their pants.

- Body language! Press up against this lucky person and touch, touch, TOUCH! Do what you can to jump in the sack with this person! Human bodies love the feel of other naked human bodies. Kissing is fine and good as long as the goal is getting some fuck pipe or tang out of the deal.

- AND PLEASE!!! Kiss while you fuck! Nobody wants to suck face the whole time you are shagging, but at least take a few moments to kiss during sex, it keeps the juices flowing.


This makes me want to set up a kissing booth at the Rose Festival. I hear whiskey kills mouth herpes on contact…

Chlamydia is not the Latin name for a flower!

Unlike a flower nobody picks Chlamydia. There are no poems about stopping to smell the Chlamydia. But that doesn't mean you won't get handed a bouquet of Chlamydia at the door on a first date.

Honesty and flattery will get you everywhere, and lying about your inflamed labia will get you nowhere. Who the fuck decided it was ever a good idea to just pretend you don’t have an STD? Fucking selfish mother fucking assholes is who!

Lets be honest, guys aren’t as obsessed with what is going on with their junk, just what they can do with their junk. Just because it burns like hell during urination, doesn't mean he won’t put that fire out with your vag water. Most men are so fucking clueless. And the ones that aren't clueless are fucking assholes. And the ones that are clueless are clueless fucking assholes.

Gentlemen...its time to be gentle and be a man. There is no acceptable excuse for rubbing your diseased cock on another human being. You know if you are guilty of this crime. I hope you feel guilty every time you jerk off, look in the mirror, look in the mirror while jerking off, and then cry while you wear women’s underwear. Tell the bitch. Then wear a rubber. Actually wear two. Thanks.

Women on the other hand are much more in tune with their bodies and seem to have their shit under control. It is those drunken one-night stands or cheating fucking partners that normally fuck it up. Yet there are those lying skanky ho’s out there that enjoy spreading the love...only they are doing it after you pay for a lap dance or when you agree to meet her out behind the greyhound bus station.

As my readers know I very much think that casual sex is a truly important part of any adult’s life. I believe that getting randy as much as possible and a good clump of tapioca balls in your hair is rewarding. BUT…lets all be fucking grown ups here…. to take that shot or to get it straight in the ass without protection, you better be fucking damn sure you have had the “talk”.

The “talk” can happen the first time you meet a dude at Mardi Gras in a bathroom stall, on a first or third date, or right up front before you agree to meet after chatting on eHarmony.

If you are going to have unprotected sex there is much more to worry about then just taking the morning after pill. Yes. This can be a little embarrassing, and maybe ruin the mood, and even the relationship…but it is much better then being Magic Johnson or Paris Hilton.

Have the "talk" goddamn it! Open your fucking mouth and be responsible. Speaking of opening your dirty cock hole mouth…yes you can get an STD from oral sex. Fun stuff isn’t it!

So many people are reckless and act like it would never happen to them, or if it did happen to them…they live in denial and give the gift that keeps on giving. That is why I call this Regifting. This isn’t a white elephant party people. This isn’t that fucking same back massager that continues to show up at the same holiday party every year. Regifting is when you are an irresponsible whore who doesn’t take the time to be an honest humane being.

Be an adult and be responsible. Every person, man and woman, should be getting an annual visit to the doctor and ask for the full screen - even if you are in a committed relationship. You never know when one might step out of the relationship once in awhile, or even live in denial. Always know what is going on with your body, especially if you are a fun girl, (cough: whore!) like me.

According to Livestrong.com if you are infected…you aren't alone:

One in five people in the United States has an STD.

Cervical cancer in women is linked to HPV.

Hepatitis B is 100 times more infectious than HIV.

One in five Americans has genital herpes, yet 90 percent of those with herpes are unaware they have it.

At least one in four Americans will contract an STD at some point in their lives.

HPV and Chlamydia are the most common STDs in the United States.

Less than half of adults ages 18 to 44 have ever been tested for an STD other than HIV/AIDS.

At least 15 percent of all infertile American women are infertile because of tubal damage caused by pelvic inflammatory disease (PID), the result of an untreated STD.

Two-thirds of Hepatitis B (HBV) infections are transmitted sexually. HBV is linked to chronic liver disease, including cirrhosis and liver cancer.



Its lax, selfish attitudes toward sexual health that have caused this huge surge in STDs and just because it’s become so common doesn’t mean it isn't a big fucking deal! I don’t know about you, but I would rather save my life than worry about being fucking embarrassed.

This DOSEN’T mean don’t have sex or limit your sex, GOD, you will turn into fucking Kirstie Alley or Andy Dick.

What I am saying is FUCK SAFE and don’t be a fucking asshole. If somebody fucks you over, report him or her to the Department of Health and Humane Services. Fuck them…it is against the law for you NOT to tell your doctor if you know who gave you an STD.

Now that I ripped you a new asshole, with a condom of course, let it heal up for a day or two...and this weekend get fucking laid. Just don’t be fucking dumb. As the Wu-Tang would say, "PROTECT YA NECK!!!"

Well the Broad says... Protect ya neck, throat, mouth, vag, cock, balls, ass, and taint. Cuz ain't nobody gonna protect it for you!

And speaking of throat...I could use a little something in it.

Any suggestions?

Nuts aren’t a right, they are a privilege.

If I wanted to swap cum with a womanly man, why wouldn’t I just fuck a woman? Women smell nice, have a soft vag and are always great kissers. I love the gay boys; I just have no tolerance for a bitchy man.

If you aren’t trying to fuck her on the first date, you might be a pussy without the hair.

Exfoliate or masturbate? If you have to ask which is more important in the shower, you would qualify for Paris Hiltons My New BFF.

If you work out and spray tan more than you lick box, you might be the next Danny Bonaduce.

What has happened to the nature of a manly man? Have European shoulder bags and too many boy bands changed the newer generation of dudes? The world is expected to evolve for another 1.5 billion years, and at this rate, you won’t know which is a guy or a girl on The Rock of Love. Lord knows fucking Brett Michaels will have found the secret to never ending youth, and STILL be looking for “the one”. The worst of all…Ryan Seacrest will be hosting Galaxy Idol.

A lot of women already have their own male assistant (aka man secretary), and you can’t find a descent guy with facial hair over 6’2”. What most women want is a guy who can put her in her place, spank her ass with some strength, and NOT wear more jewelry than she does.

If you think something you do is a little girly, YES, hide that from us women. Men are supposed to be protectors, stronger than us, and mentally ready to take shit at any given notice. I am sorry...you have NEVER shot a gun in your life? You don’t know how to throw a punch? What the fuck! I would punch a dude in the fucking forehead just for that shit alone!

These fucking Nancy’s love to go after my ho train. My friends think I am a bully. Well, I guess I am, to weak men. Living in Portland OR is almost as bad as living in fucking So Cal these days. At least in So Cal the guy’s surf and fuck like rabbits! Christ…surfers in OR have to wear a goddamn wetsuit, and are usually packing more of a beer belly than anything else.

I cannot stand a fucking weak dude. I have what I like to call “tuckdar”. That’s right; men who should just stay home and play tuck and hide. I seem to find those mother fuckers wherever I go. Sometimes I worry these guys might actually like my cunty mouth, instead of my blonde hair and big tits. It never ends…the short guy at the bar that tears up every time I make fun of his popped collar. The thirty-year-old metal head that tried to hit me because I made fun of him for still living with his mother and getting an allowance. The slimy fuck in the suit I called out for owning a tanning bed and wearing a v-neck shirt, that’s right…he called me a dyke. I am not a dyke, but I am likely to get more pussy than he does.

A few tips to fucking manning up:

1. Watch the movie Hooper. It might inspire you to grow real man facial hair and drive a muscle car.

2. Own a pair of boots. Strap on some big yummy motorcycle, cowboy, or combat boots. It makes you instantly manlier.

3. Less is more! Women don’t mind men wearing accessories, but just don’t go overboard. Scarves are borderline; you must be good looking or be well put together to wear a scarf for fuck sake!

4. If you don’t like sports…be into something competitive. A lot of women I know LOVE sports, or a little healthy competition. It gets our blood boiling, and I mean the fire down below.

5. Drive a fucking car already! There is nothing more pathetic then a guy who can’t pick you up on a date because he claims he is being “green”! In actuality he is either broke or has had too many fucking DUI’s.

6. Fewer words and more eye contact. Fucking girly dudes always seem to fuck up their mouth and say shit that make us roll our eyes. Think before you speak, and normally speak more with your eyes.

7. Be a dick once in awhile. Put us bitches in our place. I KNOW I have had sex with more men that have told me to shut my mouth than those ball baby guitar players.

8. Be gentlemen. Have manners, and remember what your mother taught you!

9. Always go for the tang. Still be a gentleman, but let us know how much you want to lick our taint and our snatch.

10. Last but not least, if all else fails. Ignore us…that will drive us women CRAZY!

Please take note that the real manly men, are few and far between. Can’t you tell it is a dying breed? Most of them only exist in Coors Banquet commercials and the movie 300. If you can prove to us chicks that you are a real man, she will take a seat between your eyebrows and your chin.

GOD…I am about as manly as they get, I want to go see if I can lick my own taint. If I end up growing a mustache after this, you owe me a bottle of Pendleton fuck stain.