Thursday, May 27, 2010

If the Cheerio fits, don’t eat it.

The first time I saw a really, really small penis was only a few years ago. Considering my “recreational” activities, I was surprised that this was the first time. I always thought I was a pimp and just somehow collected large cocks, but that came to a screeching halt one hot summer night.

I was so shocked by this new gentleman's small penis I actually screamed and I am sure had a look of horror on my face. He said, “I know I don’t have a porn star penis…” I was like OMG; my clit is bigger than your penis. What the fuck. Shockingly I ran out of the dark room in complete fucking horror and never looked back.

Poor guy? I don’t fucking think so.

I DO NOT feel sorry for men with very small penises or for bitches with meat curtains. This isn’t the fucking dark ages; there are surgeries to fix these problems…and it is NOT worth living life-frightening people with your genitals.

Size does matter, and I don’t care what you fucking dumb bitches say. You dumb cunts who “love” your small cocked man are fucked up. Only women that have a small cock at home says size doesn't matter. You obviously have insecurity problems and no class what-so-ever for fucking staying with a dude longer than one night who is packing a goddamn pencil eraser. Those men should be shunned from society and put on a deserted island or sent to the Middle East. Nobody wants to see that shit, and furthermore, nobody wants to try and feel that shit. Size does matter, and does make a fucking difference.

However, you can have a big dick and not know what to do with it. If this is the case, first congrats, and secondly, why don’t you watch some porn already and get crackin on that ass? Men who don’t know what to do with their cocks obviously haven’t been laid enough. If you think it is sweet to wait until you really care about somebody to have sex, you aren’t a real man, and most likely a hermaphrodite.

Why do bitches call their men out?

Yeah…you know who you are, the fucking cunt that says her ex-boyfriend had a small penis EVERY time she is in a break up. You are a dumb cunt.

You obviously don’t realize that telling everybody your ex had a small cock or didn’t know how to fuck is really hurting you more than him. You were the bitch that stuck around and let him pork you, didn’t you? HELLO? Obviously YOU were the problem and not him. If you are one of those fucking bitches, I can tell you right now that he is one lucky guy to get rid of your stupid swamp ass.

If you have a small cock, hide. Hide from society and never come back unless you get surgery or a successful penis pump. There is no excuse for a man having a penis smaller than my thumb. That is a deformity and your mother should be smacked in the fucking mouth for not getting it fixed sooner. You need to sac up, save some money and get that shit fixed. Otherwise you are going to end up dating fucking Daddy Issues, and Goddamn Crazy Cunt’s for the rest of your life. Have fun with that.

If you have a fucking saggy labia or clit - Christ. First off, you are a whore…and congratulations. I think every woman who has a ton of sex just for the fun of it is my goddamn hero. There is nothing I can’t stand more than a dumb bitch who fucking has to be in love to have sex. GOD…that is how you end up with a fucking boyfriend with an STD, or how you will become a goddamn beard.

Clip that shit already! Reconstructive surgery is very quick, easy, and affordable these days. It is much worse to get your wisdom teeth pulled than your labia clipped back. Just take care of business already, if strippers can afford it…so can you!

Can you tell I hate a small cock?

I need a drink.

and a friend who is a hermaphrodite, wouldn't that make for good material?

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Never look a horse cock in the mouth.

I was fifteen and totally HOT for this older guy who went to a different high school. He played football which immediately made me wet, and he already had a five o’clock shadow. He was a senior and I was a freshman, I wanted SO bad to give him my adolescents on a platter. I would daydream about him in French class wondering what it would be like to French his fucking tasty mouth. He was like a young hot Jared Allen without the mullet. Even at fifteen I couldn’t help myself, I loved a man who could play football and knew how to use a bow and arrow.

One lucky night at a house party, with heavy drinking involved, he talked to me. My young blue eyes about popped out of my head and I immediately blamed it on my young perky tits, obviously nothing has changed. A few keg stands and a bong hit later I was cornered by my baby Jared Allen. My knees almost gave out when he pressed up against me and brushed his scruff on my face. The moment had arrived for him to finally make fireworks with his tongue.

As he leaned in and swept my blonde hair aside I felt a sharp darting stiff slimy fucker trying to attack my tonsils. A couple sloppy minutes later it was clear I needed get out as soon as possible!

His mouth meat wouldn’t stop DARTING! His slimy tongue was like a fucking chubby minnow fluttering in shallow water. I was so horrified I wanted to cry. WHY? Why was my hunky older dreamboat giving me scary CPR!

“SHIT! It’s past curfew time to go home…” I groaned. This was the ONLY time I faked that I really had a curfew. Lucky for me, I was normally a good kid.

Needless to say, he was after my young tang for the next six months even after I was totally offended by his mouth rape. I think he finally gave up when I let his friend, who did know how to kiss, feel me up right in front of him. Damn I was a cunt, still, nothing has changed.

The moral of the story, kissing sets the stage of how one will fuck.

You know that motherfucker still sucks at kissing. You learn how to kiss in high school and the fact that he was a senior and was a terrible kisser almost guarantees you’re dealing with a one-minute man.

A first kiss with somebody is super crucial. It doesn’t matter how wasted, nervous, or young you are, don’t rush it. If you are a good kisser, or a mediocre kisser who takes your time and catches on to the other person’s style, you WILL get laid. All of this happens literally in seconds, so it is crucial that you not fuck it up.

Most of this discussion is for the dudes since guys will fuck you even if you kiss like a nasty meth head with no teeth, but ladies take note. Guys will fuck you for a while if you kiss like a horse that just took a drink of water from a bucket, but they’ll move on as soon as they find another wet hole to stick their dick in.

I was totally shit canned one time in Florida a few years back and sucked a guys face after he pulled over to barf outside of his ride, and he STILL got laid. Even though he had just puked, he was a great kisser which turned into a damn good lay. I still to this day swear he lied to me about being a gynecologist.

A good kiss can get your name on the list when the first date bouncer checks you at the door. Hand those lips a 100 and suddenly you’re in the VIP getting your cork popped.

Here are a few key tips to a successful first kiss:

- Fucking floss or take care of your carcass breath. Even if you have just eaten, had a shot, whatever…try and take the opportunity to cleanse your palate. If you know you have nasty breathe or bad hygiene, hold off and play hard to get. Gum and mints are mandatory if you are in any type of first kiss situation. That means if you are single (or uncommitted) and somewhere other than work you better be ready. Luck favors the prepared as those Asian types say, so be ready to kiss and then have sex with one.

- Relax. Take a moment, breathe, and let it happen. Don’t go overboard and suck somebody’s face off. Start out slow and move with your partner’s style…like dancing. This is the first dance and if you want to fuck them against the wall you can’t just grab somebody by the hair at the club and drag them home. Start slowly and work your way up. Make them beg goddamn it!

- Use your fucking tongue already. I had a boyfriend that would NEVER use his tongue, and it was such a turn off. If done right, tongue is sexy and guaranteed to get you laid. Just don’t give your partner a cat bath.

- Control your tongue. My baby Jared Allen obviously thought a strong darting tongue was hot, but it was very frightening. A tongue is not a hard cock, be soft, gentle and only lick if completely necessary.

- Control your saliva. This isn’t like when you’re at the dentist and you pray for a moment to swallow, control how much is coming out.

- Pull away and tease. Don’t give your potential lay everything at once, take it slow and tease them with your mouth and tongue.

- Eye contact. Right before you lean in, eye contact is crucial and sexy. There is also NOTHING worse than fucking people who close their eyes the whole time, or fucking staring at you like a creepy psycho. A little eye contact goes a long way!

- Go with the flow, yo. Follow your potential lay’s style if it is working. If they want it a little rough, bite a little and get a gentle hair pull in. If they want it deep and slow, use this time to stick your hands down their pants.

- Body language! Press up against this lucky person and touch, touch, TOUCH! Do what you can to jump in the sack with this person! Human bodies love the feel of other naked human bodies. Kissing is fine and good as long as the goal is getting some fuck pipe or tang out of the deal.

- AND PLEASE!!! Kiss while you fuck! Nobody wants to suck face the whole time you are shagging, but at least take a few moments to kiss during sex, it keeps the juices flowing.

This makes me want to set up a kissing booth at the Rose Festival. I hear whiskey kills mouth herpes on contact…