Thursday, October 25, 2012

Girl...He’s the Devil in Disguise. Don’t run, walk.

Sometimes we have those moments where we meet the very WRONG person and forget all about our rules. The smart you, the realistic you knows this asshole is nothing but trouble. Why do we still proceed? Why do we put ourselves in a hot and heavy mess?

Because we all what a bad boy, a dirty motherfucker...candy coated misery.

Open up your eyes, just because they are exciting doesn’t mean they are good for you. But the good news is...they aren’t Mr. Right, they are Mr. Right now. Because we are all dumb bitches at times and refuse to listen to the angel on your shoulder, here are a few reasons why I believe Mr. VERY wrong is actually is Mr. Right Now.

Dirty Dick makes Nice Dick look better:
When you have had the biggest fucking asshole on the block, the other blocks don’t look so bad now do they? Sometimes our standards can be a little high, until we meet fucking Satan. After a drinking problem and your friends finally ignoring your will realize exactly what you don’t want...EVER AGAIN!

Who doesn’t love hate sex:
One great thing about dating Mr. Wrong is the awesome fights and hate sex. Calling him an asshole in the bar, crying, and then having him fuck you in the ladies room is nothing but HOT! He will always apologize; only after he face fucks you and makes you feel like shit. Take advantage of the fact that you are dating a hateful person, fight as much as you can...and then get your mind blown!

Nice, happy, healthy relationships can also be very boring. We love those bad boys because we never know what is next. Is he going to fuck that stripper he has been “talking” to all night? Is he going to stop calling me? Is he going to fuck one of my friends? We always have these insecurities that create excitement and allow us to never get bored. Happy = Snore.

I need a spanking:
Always being the one fucking the relationship need to be ready to suffer for your sins. Who doesn’t like being a bad girl? When you are constantly getting dumped or kicking that fucker to the curb, before you get back together with him..cause you will...take advantage. Really dig deep into that black book and recharge your batteries. That’s what hot bartenders and valet guys are for.

I will take the challenge please:
I don’t walk around everyday hoping that everything in my life is easy. The people who wander around with handouts, an easy fulfilling day, and never being challenged must fucking suck. When I am playing foosball...I just don’t want to whip some sorry dudes ass...I want to be scared I might lose!  Same goes for Mr. Right Now, Mr. Always a fucking asshole. Smart, ambitious women don’t want to just take it lying down...we want a bit of a challenge. Dating the fucking Devil helps you understand challenge and how important it can be when you do decide to find somebody better.

Single isn’t so bad:
After being ran through the mud, puffy fucking eyes, and lots of drugs and is a relief to be single. There is nothing better than being alone and really enjoying the single life after a fucking hot mess. You won’t be looking for love, you will be looking to have fun and forget all together about men. might actually get the fucking balls already to eat some pussy. Don’t knock it, till you try it girl.

The next time you find yourself crying in your cube after a nasty call from your loser Casanova, remember he is only Mr. Right Now...and take advantage of the learning process you will endure from nothing but heartache.  And also the hate sex. Please don’t forget about hate sex. My fav.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

I’m a young powered me explode.

Just because he still can’t grow a full beard and his balls haven’t dropped, doesn’t mean fucking a younger man isn’t a good idea. As a Cub in Cougar training, I am super pissed to find out what I have been missing since my early 20s. In college I dated older men, the older and bigger...the better! If you had a motorcycle, big truck, your own bank account, and a ton of dumb cunts under your were my dream man.

Times have changed and I look back in disgust of myself. Not only did those older men on motorcycles turn into major fucking pricks...they also started to be a little um, inconsistent if you know what I mean. Really? You can’t get it up again?

Good thing I was fucking somebody else on the side...and he’s 23.

First off...Nobody says you have to be in a relationship with these young pups...I think giving them a few scratches down their back is just what the doctor ordered. Here are a few tips from Ramblin’ on making a young stud REALLY work it for you.

Please fuck me now, I don’t care that we are standing in front of your work.
Without giving you all my dirty details, I will tell you younger men can be a bit more daring. In the past to get my older cocks to bend me over in a bathroom was like pulling fucking teeth. A younger man has a little bit more to prove and doesn’t say no or bitch out...EVER!

Drama and Baggage. 
The more I fuck and date older guys the more drama and baggage they have. Not to say the same isn’t true with older women...but why not let some hot sweaty 23-year-old guy spank your sweaty ass in a house party and wipe his young cum all over your ass? At least you know his wife isn’t waiting outside or he needs to be running home to relieve his fucking babysitter. You got all night girl...and trust me, he will definitely last.

Make it work for you!
There are a lot of older men that think they know everything about fucking a woman. As we all know...all vaginas and women are very different...even I have experienced that! The good thing about a man who may not be as experienced is you are setting him up for success! Not only do you get to show him how you like it without him having a fucking ego problem, but you are setting him up for future ladies. Very much appreciated.

Sex Sex and More Sex!
I know plenty of older men that love sex, but typically older more established men have a lot more going on in their lives. Younger dudes are still in college, still trying to make a name for themselves, and can’t get enough pussy. These fucking guys not only last forever...but they will drop whatever they have going matter what it is to come find you and fist you. Tasty. Be in control of the Booty Call... Don’t let your young hunk think that he has any control. With younger guys can come a little too much make sure you set up who’s boss early on. Younger men need a little structure when it comes to reliable make them chase you, don’t let this dumb fuck try to run the show.

Do not date them!
If you are looking for love or to be in a relationship...first...Barf...second...don’t go after the younger men. Nothing EVER comes good from being in a relationship with somebody not only younger than you, but at a maturity level of your dog. Trust matter HOW MANY TIMES they say they are an “old soul” they fucking aren’t. Just keep them for sex. Don’t be a dumb bitch.

Do NOT hang out with him!
When you start going to the places he likes to go bring yourself into a situation with younger girls, his friends, and a serious amount of annoyance. Trust me...keep it simple. My house...the woods, or in my car. No...I do not want to drink with you at that stupid fucking college bar. Blow me.

Whether you are a cougar, cub, or a puma...get your single slut fucking ass out there and make some bad decisions with some young buck. Trust will wake up with a smile on your face, some bruises, and a little less dignity...but it is ALL WORTH IT. Keep those older guys for when you are ready to settle down, unless they have a lot of money and a big cock of course.

Now it is time for a night cap to see that young bartender.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Fuck a New Years Resolution, Get What You Really Want!

There is something about getting what I want that makes me feel alive.

No matter how old you are or how important you think you are... find a way to get what you want this new year. Fuck a stupid New Years Resolution you won't succeed with anyway...figure out how to get fisted by that sexy guy you see at Starbucks every morning.

There has been many times in my life when I didn’t take no for an answer. Whether it was waiting to get backstage and meet a rockstar, trying to sleep with that sexy mysterious bartender, or finding a way to fuck that British professor with that sick mustache...I always found a way. When I find something I want or when I realize that I can’t sleep another night until I meet that classic rock guitar player...I make it my mission to succeed.

I believe this motivation is a gift. I never give up...and if it doesn’t work the first time...I pick myself back up off the ground and try harder the next time. As a professional winner and successful backstage charmer, here are a few tips of how to get what you want...especially if there is some serious kinky sex involved.

Ramblin’s Top 10 ways to get what you want:

1.) Always look good. Stop leaving the house looking like a sloppy fucking dumb ass. Just because you live in Portland...doesn’t mean you need to look like a goddamn sloppy Oregonian. Take the time to spice it up and set yourself apart.

2.) Be polite. When you are trying to get what you want from somebody, please and thank you go a very long way. If a girl buys you a drink, say fucking thank you...if a guy buys you dinner...sit on his face. Don’t be an asshole.

3.) Treat everybody the same. No matter how intimidated you may be by somebody...treat them as you would treat your friends. Even if they may be famous, pretending to stay calm when you are dying inside is a guarantee for anal sex. Trust me.

4.) Be a chameleon. Know your audience and be flexible to slightly change depending on the circumstances. If you have to watch your dirty mouth because you are trying to fuck a chick from your mother’s church...keep your mouth clean until that girl becomes a real naughty slut.

5.) Start small but be persistent. If you want to fuck the hottest chick in the room...ask the bartender what she is drinking and leave it on her table with a smile. Don’t do everything at once. Baby steps. Anticipation is another word for foreplay.

6.) Always be honest. Don’t tell people what they want to hear, always be honest and people will respect you. If you just want to bang a bitch...don’t fucking play games...just tell her what you want.

7.) Smile and laugh. Not only do people look ugly when they are grumpy (or if they are a woman with a mustache)...but it seriously causes wrinkles! Lighten up and take a shot of whiskey you cranky fuck.

8.) Always have a goal in mind and stick to it. If you want that amazing job, or you want to ride that hot matter how long it takes to get you there...keep it a goal. Once you have reached that goal, set an even better one. Instead of the cowboy at the bar, maybe working on a professional bull rider or country singer is next.

9.) Don’t ever hurt anybody along the way. Sometimes we can be fucking cunts...but try to avoid hurting somebody to get what you want. Sometimes it happens naturally, but do what you can to avoid it.

10.) Always have fun! Life is too short to obsess over something you want and not have fun along the way. The best part of a challenge is the journey. Have fun, get drunk, and have some courtesy fucks along the way...its good karma.

Now that the Ramblin’ has given you the Top 10 Ways to get what you want. Make me proud and have 2012 the year of you and a year of some serious sex, drugs, and rock and roll! I can’t think of anything more fun!