Friday, August 13, 2010

Crazy Bitch or Psycho Hose Beast?

Some of us women have had our fair share of horrible break ups, terrible fights, and a crush you can never make your own. We have also had “the one that got away”, and have also been “the crazy one” in an heated moment from time to time.

I was so upset after a break up in high school I swore I would never recover. I used to scream down the hallways at his new girlfriend and made both their lives a living hell. Soon I realized what a fucking loser that guys is, and that acting like that WAS SO high school and should STAY in high school.

A lot of women I know are nuts, but in a good way. They fuck like wild animals, have awesome drunken stories, fingerbang strippers, and they get in heated football arguments against very large men. ‘Good Crazy’ is being upset after a break up and forgetting about it by screwing a basketball team or having a bonfire with a few old pictures and a bottle of whiskey. These women only sometimes make you concerned about your safety, but you still want to fuck them upside down.

Nothing tops a real psycho bitch.

This bitch makes multiple calls to her boyfriend or ex-boyfriend when he is out with his friends and is listening for any sign of a woman in the background. This bitch also cries each and every time he goes to a strip club and gets upset when he sits next to another woman in a cube at work.

This crazy cunt will also take things to the next level by slowly driving by her boyfriends or ex-boyfriends house to see if there is another car in the driveway, calls the cops and claims false physical abuse, or slashes tires and spray paints a mother fuckers car.

What the fuck is wrong with this picture? If you act like this…you need to go to fucking therapy to control your goddamn daddy issues!

Here are some other signs you are a ‘Psycho Hose Beast'…

1. If you are DAILY searching a mother fuckers facebook to see who they are tagged in pictures with and read all of their friends walls to see what he is up to.

2. If you are driving by your old boyfriends house, work, favorite bars, and each of his friend’s house to see a glimpse of him or whom he may be with.

3. If you are still telling people you are in a relationship with a dude that already broke up with you and has moved on (you are what I like to call “A Stacey”), why don’t you just buy him a fucking gun rack already!

4. If you are so obsessed with what your ex is doing years later and you can’t stop stalking him or haven’t slept with somebody else in order to move on, you are pretty pathetic.

I beg to all guys out there, dump that bitch fast if she is showing signs of ‘Psycho Crazy’ and not ‘Good Crazy’. Unfortunately for most dudes, you are too fucking stupid to tell until you are in jail for something you didn’t do.

I beg to all girlfriends of a bitch like this….friends don’t let friends become Tonya Harding! She might end up fucking your dad and then throwing a hubcap at you! Tell your friend she is being seriously crazy…it can only make her life better.

I beg to the goddamn Psycho Crazy Hose Beast’s out there, move the fuck on already! Start fucking somebody else, get some fucking confidence, or become that stripper you always wanted to be. It is not okay to be like this forever. Sometimes shit makes us crazy, but you need to admit your problems and move the fuck forward!

Fuck…this makes me want to get drunk and yell at somebody.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Watermelon cools you off on a hot sticky summer night...

There is nothing better than making a hot day even hotter. What good is summer without a little roll in the hay…literally?

Summer isn’t over yet, and there is still time to make up for the lack of sex you have had. Don’t make me name names, but if you are doing nothing but giving a hand job in a tent this summer, you either need to be slipped an Ambien, or wake the fuck up! Summer is for sex, sex, and more sex. Why do you think over half of marriages and relationships end before summer? People want to play and not be locked into a goddamn commitment.

Living in Portland there are so many options for getting good and fucked in the open air. Here is my suggested list of hot dates that could lead to good oral stimulation in the grass.

Taste what I have in my mouth!
A little wine tasting or beer tasting is always a fun way to get outside, get drunk, and get a little action in the valley. Hiding in the vines is sexy and you can put grapes in places you never have before.

If the monkeys can do it, why can’t I?

Nothing says sex like the Zoo. What would a date be without than watching animals jerk off and wipe their cum on leaves? Go find an area outside of the lion den to get busy, and make sure to go later when mom jeans and the fucking kid factory has left.

I know I am Goth, but what are you?
There is nothing more sick and twisted than getting the shocker in a dingy quiet cemetery as you lean over grandpa Big Johnson’s grave stone. I’ve got stories Stephen King would masturbate to.

Skinny-dipping isn’t just for country kids!
Take a moment and hit the Sandy River. There are plenty of areas around the beaches where you can strip it off and be one with nature. I say you haven’t been fucked hard until it has been in the middle of the rapids on a hot rock!

It is time to be a tree hugger.
Those fucking hippies don’t have to be the only ones fucking a tree. While camping, hiking, or even in your front yard, take a moment to wrap your arms or your legs around a tree while getting your taint licked. That is what I call organic!

Doggy style with a view.

Who doesn’t love a good view, especially when you are being railed from behind. Take a moment to check out Pittock Mansion. If you are with the right girl you might even get a tour of the inside of the Buttock, I mean, the Pittock.

Finally having God present when you scream his name.
Nothing is more fucked up than a little public sex at the peaceful oasis in the midst of the city, the Grotto. You know that place you went for your Baccalaureate? Take a time to revisit and prove what a good person you have become.

Take my fucking advice already! Not only should Portlanders be taking advantage of the great weather right now, but they should be also taking advantage of a little 69 while picnicking. I am serious. I would like to walk through the Rose Gardens and come around a bush and find someone picnicking on a bush. I want it to be you…perhaps with watermelon dripping down your crack.

Your summer needs to be fun, dumb and full of cum. Even if you aren’t on the flesh market make your partner(s) dine at your deli in the bathroom of your local deli! Or do it in the butte…Rocky Butte. should always be publicly intoxicated in addition to being publicly indecent.

Bring a bottle or two and make it memorable!