Friday, April 15, 2011

Just be honest or throw that pig back into the wild. This isn't a Luau!

What the fuck is a Hida Hog? The original term of a Hida Hog is a girl that isn’t really up to a guys social standards and keeps her hidden from his friends and acquaintances as she isn’t adequate enough to be in public with him. A hida hog really is only for immediate gratification or a booty call.

As I totally embrace booty calls, one night stands, fucking somebody ugly, anything that involves equal opportunity fucking…you know I am usually in. I think this term can get a little bit messy. Not only is it unfair to say that only men have a hida hog…I know PLENTY of women that fuck unacceptable men all the time and do not bring them around.

Here is my fucking problem with a hida hog…typically to keep people around; it is very common for men and for women to be misleading so they can reap the benefits. There is nothing more fucking horribly annoying and disgusting to me than a person who wants to have their fucking cake and eat it too and somebody who is misleading and selfish about sex.

Why can’t people just say “I just want to fuck you…I am not interested in anything else?” I wish people were more honest about bootie calls and straight forward about what they really want. It is okay to just NOT be into somebody except sex. People have been doing it for years without being misleading or a real fucking dick. Being a hida hog means that the person is just not fucking into you at all…they just want to have sex and haven’t told you so.

Here are a few signs you may be a hida hog:

- The person you are fucking only wants to have you at their house or your house or in a place they have no chance of bumping into their social circle or in a situation where they may appear unavailable.

- You have NEVER met their friends or very few of them. You have never met their family, boss, coworkers…and would never go to any event where these individuals would be around.

- They are not straight forward about what they really want with you. They tell you they want to take it ONE DAY AT A TIME and see where it goes…and months and months have gone by.

- They are always doing fun things without you and hanging out with people you have never met.

- They only text you, IM you, or email you…they never call you in public.

- If they do spend any time with you…it is usually around you having sex.

- If they have mentioned what a great friend you or have said they want to work on having a good friendship so the future can be stronger.

If you aren’t a hida hog…then this person is either in a relationship, they are married, or they are just not fucking into you and you need to either move on…or take the edge off. This is ALWAYS why you should be sleeping with more than one person.

Dr. Ramblin Broad has a cure for anybody who may start to think they are a hida hog: GO FUCK OTHER PEOPLE! Fuck as many people as you can…and enjoy it. If you happen to get that booty call from the rat bastard or the dumb cunt…fuck them anyway…at least now having the cake and eating it too is fucking fair. Beat them at their own fucking game!

Friday, April 8, 2011

I eat more chicken than any man ever seen…

Yes…I want you to be my backdoor man. The term "backdoor man" originally came from a woman cheating on her husband and the other man exiting from the back door. But since the dirty slutty 1960’s it is a double entendre also meaning practicing anal sex.

I am beginning to find out how many bitches don’t give up the ass…and I mean literally…their asshole. What are they scared of? I have also realized how many dudes actually don’t like something in their ass or anal sex with a woman. Really? Get a hold of your fucking sexuality already! Look…I can understand that it isn’t everybody’s cup of fucking tea…but don’t knock it until you try it.

If you do it right…anal sex can be rewarding for both partners. There are so many dumb fucking assholes out there that not only don’t know what the fuck they are doing with the vagina…but are so selfish they forget that sex is actually a two way fucking street. If both partners communicate and can laugh and have a good time in bed…then anal sex shouldn't be embarrassing or disgusting.

Here are a few tips on how to make anal sex work for you and your partner:

- LUBE LUBE LUBE. Don’t just stick it in without it. No fucking way.

- The clit is there…fucking use it! Whether or not your lady touches it or you man up and do it yourself…find time to make sure the clitoris is getting attention during this process.

- As one of my friends so nicely puts it…sometimes you gotta play poop. Don’t be embarrassed…just try to understand your body and have some common sense.

- Make sure your lady has already cum…there is no back and forth here…once it’s in the brown eye…you can’t go back.

- Slowly make it happen … inch by inch. Don’t just shove the fucker in!

- KEEP IT IN…once it is in…keep it there. You can move it around…but try to not completely pull out as frequent as you would if it was a vagina.

- Make sure the lady feels like she has control of the situation…most woman want to know they can stop at anytime if they need to.

- I recommend that you don’t watch hardcore porn and think anal sex is just like that. Give me a fucking break already.

- Wear a condom…I know sometimes a few of us don’t follow that rule….but please try your best.

Now…man the fuck up and try to expand your horizons or spice things up. I believe you will be thanking me later…so…you are welcome.

Like my dad always said…you can’t get pregnant if you swallow or take it in the ass. He is such a wise man.