Thursday, January 27, 2011

Don’t give me no lines and keep your hands to yourself…

There are too many people worried about their future love life than getting fucking porked and having multiple sex partners. These people are focused on creating a marriage, having children, going to church, and wearing mom jeans. You know, the real fucking “important” things in life.

From the day we are all born society has set a moralistic stage for what a man and a woman are expected to achieve. When is the right time bust your cherry, get married, fucking squeeze a few out? These pressures can get to a point where grown ass men and women begin to desperately obsess.

Desperate is never a good look no matter who you are.

It is so obvious when fucking people have marriage and babies on the mind. Really…you wonder why you can’t get more than two fucking dates out of somebody? Check your fucking dreams of baggage at the goddamn door. Who really wants to fuck a dumb bitch that is most likely skipping her birth control and won’t let you cum on her tits or in her ass?

Since I am the anti-love, the man-eater, the twisted fucking sister, and the lust obsessed…I can see desperate a mile away. Desperate can come in all different shapes and sizes…

Here are my top five warnings that you need to run and run fucking fast.

- When a date wants to know if you are “exclusive” before your asshole has ever hit their face.

- If a first date asks if you are willing and able to conceive…I would pack your own jimmies for this crazy.

- When you give your number to somebody and they call you more than once in the same night. Watch your rearview mirror.

- If a date shows you more pictures of their nieces and nephews than their genitals, you need to take a goddamn hint.

- Any mention of their age, wasting time, and any horror stories of their exes will result in early talks of commitment.

I am not trying to put down anybody who has these aspirations in life; they should just understand how damn desperate they appear when it isn’t happening fast enough. Take your time, enjoy being single, and have as much sex as humanly possible. When you do get shacked up in a marriage with kids… you will wish you could go back and have the life you didn’t take advantage of.

Stop believing every person you meet is the one.
Stop wondering what your kids will look like with a first date.
Stop dating only “marriage material”…you never know whom you will pass up.

This makes me want to fucking punch myself in the mouth while watching 16 and pregnant, and taking shots of whiskey.