Thursday, March 25, 2010

Fuck Happily Ever After!

Next time you see your therapist, tell them to send the bill to Michael Eisner.

When you were a little girl, you thought that Snow White, Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella were ideal women. You would dream about wearing a tiara and gowns, and doing anything to find your prince. In fact the whole purpose of being a princess was ONLY because that is how you would find a prince.

There’s a reason why you never hear little girls saying they would like to be princesses so they can help feed the hungry and fight homelessness.

In a lot of my blogs I blame Disney for creating clouds. Sparkly La La Land clouds that fog the minds of American girls and women still to this day. I mean these Princess Disney bitches are always fucking victims. Cartoons, yes, but with real world consequence, e.g. the friend of yours that is constantly in relationships where she is mistreated by a self-centered asshole. NEWS FLASH! Guys would stop treating us like dicks if we stop letting them get away with it. But these fucking Disney movies teach girls that is OK to be treated that way.

Come on already!

Why are all these chicks borderline schizophrenic. How many people do you know have best friends that are crabs, seagulls, and mice? Yes…get your romantic advice from a damn gay dwarf who has never met a woman and lives with 6 other men, like he really knows what he is talking about! If the dumb bitch wasn’t a fucking martyr all the time, then maybe she would have normal mermaid friends or stepsisters that didn’t try to have her killed.

How old are these characters anyway? Don’t most of them live at home? Does anybody remember that Pocahontas was only 12 and John Smith was 28? Have these bitches even had a period yet? You never see a Disney Princess learning to deal with birth control, talk about PMS, or the fact that this prince of hers might infect her with an STD! Or what it means to get dumped or find out your boyfriend is fucking groupies.

It’s sex education Disney style! Which is probably why so many women I know feel like they need to shit out a kid in order to be happy….And why many of men I know wish they would have packed their own jimmy hats for the party.

Where is the mother, or should I say Queen during all this? OH!!!…that’s right, these Disney Princesses hardly ever have a mother! Think back to all the fucking royal ladies you used to wish to become, their Mother wasn’t in their life for one reason or another. These beauties normally lived to help their fathers, and went from one man running her life to another. No wonder these bitches are so fucked up!

(You realize you’ve been watching these examples of how to live since you were like 4 years old, right?)

Belle lived to protect her father who was always publicly criticized. Both of Cinderella’s parents died, leaving her to a wicked stepmother and a few Sasquatch stepsisters. Ariel had no mer-mom just the king of the sea to tell her how to live.

Life isn’t complete for these adolescent slut characters until they have met their prince. The whole time these young ladies are going through life dreaming of getting out of the house and meeting the man of their dreams. You never see these beauties dreaming of becoming a teacher, doctor, or powerful and professional sex symbol that just might play the field.

Great idea…lets teach our kids that you MUST be married at 17 and 18…look how well that has worked for bitches in the past. Who needs college, when a hairy beast man that yells at you owns a library? Why settle for Mr. Right Now when you can hold out for that prince! Who cares that he is going to sleep with half of the help in the castle and make you walk around on egg shells the rest of your life. You will forgive him because he gave you glass slippers.

What really got me fucking fired up about this shit was being forced to watch Beauty and the Beast. This movie should teach young girls what NOT to get involved in. This goddamn tale should be a lesson in how fucking emotionally and physically abusive people can be. Only Meatloaf would “do anything for love”, not a dude that looks like a fucking hairy line backer who shows you his goddamn teeth! If you haven’t seen this flick or need a refresher, basically Belle leaves her motherless household with no high school diploma, gets TRAPPED into living in a dark scary castle, and allows herself to be manipulated into believing that the man running the place will change. All the poor fucking servants are so scared that they plead and beg her not to irritate him, because he has a temper. Belle lives in a dream world where she truly does believe he will change his abusive ways. He screams at her, throws shit at her, locks her in her room for days without food, and then says he is so sorry and begs for forgiveness many times. That sweet gentle Belle takes the abusive loser back every time.

Sound like any of your girlfriends? Yeah, thank Walt for that one. Just because at the end of the story he turns into a handsome prince doesn’t mean he isn’t still a beast.

I am not trying to be a fucking feminist here, because you all know I prefer a strong hairy beefcake of a man. What I want to make clear is almost every female character in these Disney movies is insecure and self destructive. I would rather hang out with an ugly stripper with daddy issues any day before hanging out with Princess Jasmine. I think it is drilled into many women’s heads that they need to find that prince who is made for them, or you know…the one! Men aren’t perfect. Men don’t run around in tights and ruffled shirts with swords…unless they are some fucking nerd at a renaissance fair who probably has herpes.

If they could JUST show Pocahontas working in a casino and discovering she is married to a drug dealer, or seeing Ariel go get plastic surgery after her fucking divorce so she can have her fin back. Or maybe they could show a therapist tell Snow White she has a deviant sex addiction. Seven small dudes and her in one house, if that story isn’t the most fucked…I don’t know what is.

HAPPILY EVER AFTER NEVER HAPPENS! Get the fuck over yourself baby girl! It is never going to happen! Pretty Woman sums it up perfectly “Who does it work for?” “Cinderfuckinrella!” You aren’t going to be saved and woken up someday by a kiss, unless it is after a few too many martinis and you need mouth to mouth after trying to give a blowjob in a hot tub!

FACT: You are going to get zits, wrinkles, stretch marks, or gain 10 pounds, and eventually you’ll stop asking the mirror who is the fairest of all. You won’t always be beautiful, and you will never be perfect. People will cheat, people will die, people will make your pee burn, and you may think you have met the person of your “dreams” - but you will wake up to find they aren’t so good and they make you want to poke your fucking eyes out. Been there, done that.

If you keep living in a fantasy world seeking the person you are “supposed” to be with, you will end up chasing that dream forever. Take a good look at yourself and what really makes you happy. Find somebody who meets those needs, find somebody who lets you be YOU, and doesn’t treat you like shit. Let your guard down and let life happen to you. In other words go SOW YOUR GOD DAMN OATS! You’ll be surprised how life will work out if you let it.

Life is a lot more interesting and lot more real when you aren’t waiting for the magic carpet to come swoop you up…Although a hookah and a Middle Eastern guy are found pretty easily and that just might hit the spot. (You’ll never know if you like it unless you try it.)

So get off your high horse Cinderella…and get off on someone’s horse cock. There’s no prince coming for you, but you can start cumming for yourself.Take two shots of whiskey princess, lose your panties…and let me know how you feel in the morning.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Why do teeth ALWAYS get in the way?

I think it is pretty clear that men and women both love oral sex. If you don’t participate in oral sex, then you have some serious daddy issues. How can there be a person in the world that doesn’t love to just lay back, relax and have somebody take care of them like they are John Edwards?

It's why God gave us wet mouths, and I think, a lot of times, men and women miss the boat on how to get it done.

Why? Why? Why!!! …do so many women think they know everything when it comes to pleasing a man? Women always assume men are SO easy! Which is probably why women think it is okay to give a hand job instead of a blowjob. REALLY? Have you ever thought, "What would I want if I was a guy?" Get on your fucking knees you stupid whore! Why the fuck do some women not reciprocate? Are you shitting me? Not saying you have to reciprocate EVERY single time…but you SHOULD understand manners for fuck’s sake!

Why? Why? Why!!! …do men think it is okay to finger bang a woman like they’re firing a machine gun? It’s cunting season but guys, you don’t kill something you are planning to eat with a machine gun. Hunt for kitty with a machine gun and you’ll just end up with a sore arm and blue balls. And why are men only doing one thing at a time during oral sex? Can’t you fucking multitask already? I’ll put it in simple terms: A woman’s body is like your Playstation controller…you can’t win if you’re only hitting one button.

In this week's issue we’re cutting straight to the g-spot to get to the real deal on our oral issues. On today’s research panel: a few randos that I met at a bar, a batch of my overly sexual friends (men and woman, straight and gay), and some inappropriate survey questions that put the G in gmail. The result is Ramblin Broad’s guide to oral sex etiquette.

Hand Jobs ARE OUT!

Look ladies, literally every girl I talk to thinks guys like hand jobs. They do…when they give a hand job to themselves! Come the fuck on already! Do you really think you can give a man a better hand job than he can give himself? Not even Kirsty Alley can do this for a fucking Butterfinger! Make a guy remember being with you and not have to fantasize about what he really wants you to do with his tube steak. I can say with confidence that 100% of men would rather get a blowjob, titty fuck a chick, or masturbate for her. Honestly…all those options are so much sexier and exciting than a hand job!

Remember the days when you would dry hump a guy so hard that your pelvis would hurt the next day? Yeah..well when you are giving a guy a hand job, it takes him back to that moment in time. LOOK, I know what your fucking hot ass is thinking right now (fyi…only good looking people read this blog), "what about a good ole HJ in public?" NO! If you are that brave to give a dude an HJ in public, the least you can do is swallow it. Just give him a BJ already! If you want to get dirty and nasty at your parent’s house during dinner, go to the bathroom and have a quickie in the mirror, or go outside in some fucking bushes and give him a knob job. An HJ is just so Trapper Keeper.

Trim Trim Trim!

Dudes, there is nothing worse than a pair of musty balls with a bad wiper. Yes, I said it. You dudes are NASTY! Keep that shit clean already! I am not saying the kitty can be much cleaner all the time, but dudes are normally way worse. NO, we don’t want to give you a blow job after you just rode your bike in your skinny jeans! Honestly, would you blow yourself like that? Brush your fucking teeth already. There is nothing worse than musty balls on a man with fucking old hamburger breath. Yuck. If we wanted to share lunch with you, we would have sat on your fucking face. Keep it clean and trim, especially you hairy fucks. If nasty ass Andrew Dice Clay can do it, so can you!

Ho’s, there is NOTHING worse than fried pussycat. Can’t you clean yourself or find your lost tampon already? For real! I know you ladies aren’t bad wipers, but at least take a wet wipe to yourself before the Burt Reynolds ride. Don’t you think that your wild jerry curl is starting to freak him out? If your partner thinks your bush looks like Lionel Ritchie, you need to jump out of 1978 and join the bald girl’s club. Some girls say they don’t like to be feel like they are five-years old again, but at least trim the shit down. I am SO shocked when I stare at beavers in the gym or at yoga, and it looks like they put Rogaine on that shit. Dear lord, stop being so fucking lazy.

Twat Talk…

Most lesbians already know all this, so this part is not directed to your hot asses. Dudes, okay. We know that it is hard for y’all to multitask. We know how it works in manland. When it comes to petting the kitty, you must reach multiple sensations. Maybe some dumb cunts want you to whisper them sweet nothings while you have a mouth full, but the rest of us bitches just want to put you to work.

The clit is NOT like your cock. Stop sucking on it hard and rubbing your callused finger on it so rough the fucker might come right off. Be gentle, be focused, and listen! If we are making noises that sound like anything other than STOP, unless you’re Ben Roethlisberger, keep going! If we are making those noises you like to hear, that means STAY PUT! For GOD'S SAKE! There is nothing more disappointing than when a dude is hitting the right spot and wanders away. What a nightmare.

A few tips from the ladies:

- Find the Clit, Anus, and Vagina. Just like bowling…try to play with them
all at the same time. Maybe have a pitcher of beer first…and some tatertots.

- Trace the letters; A, B and C over the clit area until she screams.

- Listen to hear noises and read body language, you will find out what she likes
when you start paying attention. Every woman is different, just because your
skanky ex girlfriend with daddy issues liked it one way, doesn’t mean they all do.

- Find the G-Spot. Use your fingers! We don’t expect you to be our gynecologist. But the least you can do is fucking search around a bit.

- Ask for directions. We know how much you motherfuckers hate to ask for help, but when it comes to sex, ask. Women LOVE to express their feelings and will be
happy to tell you what feels good. ASK!

A few tips from the dudes:

- Shave or Trim already. Some men are scared of what you might be hiding under that
wild bush.

- Let us try different positions while snacking on the box. Chairs, doggy style,
standing, you name it. The traditional position of a man going down on a woman can be a pain in the neck…literally. Mix it up!

- 69 is not just a number ladies. Men want to 69 as much as humanly possible next to jerking themselves off. Give it a go more often…schedule it in if you must!

May I have a Polish Sausage, but hold the nuts…

I think there is a reason why when you go to parties, or a bar, they always have nuts. Nuts make everybody happy! I LOVE salty peanuts still in the shell. I think it is even better when I can have a huge beer and throw my empty shells on the nasty greasy ground in a bar. Nuts are fun for everybody, except when women are giving head. After chatting with a group of men, I found that most of those men hate how their nuts get left out so often. I guess us ladies need to multitask too!

Growing up, I always assumed that men only cared about one thing: the wiener, the shaft, their Johnson. I always assumed they protected their balls. I mean, it isn’t like women don’t know that nuts are a part of shit, but I was surprised to find out that most men think we are leaving their nuts in the dark. Could it be the bad wiping thing? Or could it be they just remind us the first time we saw one hanging out of a mans shorts at summer camp? Or the scary bulge of Tom Jones? Icky! With his sweaty sparkling chest hair…you know his nuts are also wet, stinky, and suffocating in that spandex!

We need to be more interactive with the nuts. Hold onto them, caress, tickle, lightly tap, cup, or maybe squeeze them. One young lady said she puts light pressure at the top and the bottom of the nuts while she gives head. She also claims a little mouth pocket pool helps the job go faster…(and yes…she is hot and single).

Giving a blowjob, really is a job. It seems men don’t understand what it takes for a woman to give a perfectly acceptable blowjob. It takes time to produce enough saliva, prevent lockjaw, hide the damn molars, gag reflex, all while holding your fucking balls. Give the person behind the curtain a little more credit. Women want to know what you like. It is never a good thing to just let a girl go and go and go and go and go and go…until she has permanent lip damage. We want to know what is going to get you off as fast as possible.

A few more tips from the Gents:

- Hold the NUTS…do something with them.

- For fuck's sake, swallow…or don’t bother. If you aren’t going to finish, then fuck it already!

- A hand job is worthless. He may tell you he likes it, because you are obviously touching the center of his world…but they would much rather you blow them.

- Just when you decided to go low carb: Normal ejaculate contains approximately
2.0 to 3.0 cc. Of that , 1.5 to 2.0 cc come from the seminal vesicles. 0.5cc from the prostate and 0.1 to 0.2 cc from Cowper gland. The majority of the fluid is protein. A very small amount is fructose (sugar). The caloric content is low
with almost no fat. Happy sucking!

A few tips from the Ladies:

- TELL US when you are going to cum. Most women just want to have some warning so the swallowing process is an effective one.

- Women want to know exactly what you like. Women want you to point, show, and
give examples, draw on the fucking grease board like the UPS guy…whatever…. just fucking do it already. Man up.

- Please take a goddamn shower or something. You men can be so damn disgusting. Trim and shave your shit. It isn’t just for the ladies! Clean out your dirty fingernails before you play with the kitty. Nobody knows WHAT the fuck you have
under there.

- A healthy diet makes for a tastier finish. You might want to google this one.

- Women want you men to enjoy this moment, but don’t also be greedy. Don’t take
forever when you know you can cum, we want it to be good, but we also don’t want
to lose our tonsils.

I was surprised when I began writing this blog how much information I received from a handful of oversexed friends of mine. The one common thing I found from everybody was they really want to watch each other masturbate. It seems as if people want to learn what the other person likes. Watching your partner pleasure themselves will be visually stimulating and also show you exactly what they like with a front row seat. Don’t give him the fucking hand job next time…ask him to do it for you, you dirty slut.

I am not a goddamn sex columnist, or sex blogger…but I do think that if most fucking people would just ask and listen…this fucking world would be a better place. More casual sex too…let’s not forget that little tidbit!

Time to clean my gun and drink my whiskey. Now...go put on some chapstick!

Thank you to the dirty skanky friends and strangers that took a few minutes to be embarrassed by my whore-nie questions. I appreciate your insight. Thanks to my Editor for always making me sounds smooth, and to my fact checker who reminds me when I am getting weak.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

There Is Nothing MORE Satisfying Than Happy Hour Tube Steak

Who doesn't like a big slab of fucking juicy meat? It is like a home cooked meal, or splurging on carbs and cheese - just hits you in the right spot.

Ladies, do you know that when you walk into a crowded room, at least 50% of those people will want to fuck you? Yes. It’s like happy hour and, everywhere you go, meat is on the menu. Mostly tube steak but in a big room there’s usually 1 or 2 dumb bisexual hobbyists who, after a few white wine spritzers, will be grabbing at your boobs.

Every man in the world stays up late at night dreaming (jerking off) about the situation you, as a woman, find yourself in daily.


I HATE it when women talk about how they can't get laid, or find a date. THERE IS A DIFFERENCE bitches!

Um...excuse me? Have you even fucking tried?

It is called lipstick and high heels. Women always forget that men don't care about feelings. They don't feel like they need a goddamn connection to have sex. PICKY PICKY! How about, he is HOT and interested?


There is a difference between quality cock-n-balls and the awkward dick. I am not saying, "go fuck the first guy in the bar," but here are a few key tips that have proven successful.

- Freshly been fucked...

For some reason this phrase seems to be written on your forehead. When it rains it pours...and in a good way! When you are getting ass, it is like dudes sense it. My proudest ass phases are when I am getting the pick of the litter, and usually more than one at a time. This also happens when you are in a relationship. You get more ass offers than ever!

So, how do you get the attention even if you haven't been getting laid? This is a trick I call, "elevator music." Minutes before you walk into the swarm of people, pop a sexy CD in your car stereo. Something upbeat and HOT. Something that makes you think of a sexy moment you have had in the past, maybe it was in an elevator? Something naughty, hot, and made you feel like a woman. It could've even been in a damn janitor's closet! Whatever! Put on a hot CD, I recommend Portishead, Def Leopard, Pantera, or pretty much anything they play at a strip club. I guarantee that when you think of that hot moment while you are listening to that body rockin' will walk into that bar like you have been freshly fucked.

- Built for comfort not for speed!

Ever gone to a show, or a bar and felt overdressed? Have you ever wished you could go home and change because you feel like your shit's too tight and you look like a hooker? Well, most likely that makes you come across as one insecure bitch. Even if you are a dope broad like myself, you are going to be pulling on straps, adjusting the girls, and after awhile you won't take your coat off. Finally, you will look like a stiff.

When you go shopping, and you try something on, don't buy it unless YOU LOVE IT...and it fits! Always consider how an outfit will get you laid. That is what I do everyday! I have written about this before, I know. Just try to be sexy. Sexiness doesn't mean wearing a pair of hooker shoes you can't walk in...or a strappy Mariah Carey dress. (Ewwww. BTW) If you are more worried about your outfit than making sex eyes with the hottie with the great are going to grow cobwebs in your snatch!

Over or under dressed? Really bitches? I should NOT have to tell you that your Nike's with the Plus system in the damn martini bar is a bad idea! Or maybe you shouldn't be wearing a borderline prom dress at a punk show?

Dress appropriately!

Not only because if you don't, you will look like a dumb bitch, but you will also feel out of place.

Guess what happens when you feel like the dumbest girl in the bar? You are. And you most likely will feel insecure and won't get laid. Well...I take that back. You will get laid...but not by the adorable Sam Worthington look alike, more like the fat Luke Wilson. Icky.

- Funbags and Funjugs!

Can you have fun already? Who wants to talk to the girl in the corner looking like Jennifer Grey? Come on Baby...have a little fun and let loose! Be that happy medium. Don't get wasted and go home with Whiskey Dick, or your Ex-boyfriend. Have fun with the people around you. Happy fun people attract happy fun people. Put your damn phone down, and stop texting people that AREN'T there! Nobody likes Debbie Downer...

PEOPLE would rather hang out with Debbie DOES Dallas!

Smile! Do you know how much more beautiful you are when you smile and have charisma? Somebody told me that when you smile and are happy, you sparkle! Sparkle already! There is something sexy about a girl who is having fun and smiling. Don't be so serious. If you a bummer, you are going to end up sleeping with grumpy Mr. Men's Warehouse with the Martini who keeps yelling at the bartender about his ex-wife. No way Jose!

- Eye fuck like you could be going blind!

You looky!

Nothing says I think you are hot and I want to lick your nut sack like a sexy glance. Little things like that invite him to talk to you, or gets you up off of your ass to talk to him. When you go up to the bar, or go to the bathroom, purposely walk by his table and look right at him and smile. When you are talking to your present company, casually flip your hair and look at him at the same time. Be aggressive with your eye contact but DON'T look at him like a Kathy Bates in Misery...look at him with soft fuck me eyes. Talk about him at the table. Yes, if you and your friends are talking about how damn hot he is, he will notice! When you look at him, don't think about how cute your babies would be together, think of how you want his unborn babies on your chest.

- FLIRT your ass off!

I am not about to teach anybody how to flirt. I think each one of us need to use the strengths in our personality for flirting. What makes you interesting? What makes him interesting? If he hasn't come to you yet, after your Carmen Electra hair flip, then be aggressive and go do one thing. Compliment him. Do it while you are getting a drink, or while he isn't in conversation. The key to the first flirt attempt is a compliment that leaves him wondering. Guys do this...and they always do it wrong ( say I have nice earrings but you are looking at my tits...VERY subtle dumb ass). Men like to be complimented, but only do it ONCE! Don't give him more than one compliment right away; it makes them think they don't need to work at trying to win you over. I always go for something like, "you have a really nice smile, or voice, or eyelashes, shirt, facial hair, etc." Use something that is not too sexual right away. Remember, this is first flirt attempt. Then LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE!


What is the trick to ALL OF THIS?

As soon as you complete these steps, go away, but be in his view. After the ice breaks and the puppy gets fed his compliment, he will come to you. Make sure you have fun, but glance once or twice, because I promise he is looking. If he doesn't come up to you by the time you want to leave, be brave and go give him your number. I like to take a pen and physically write it on a dude's hand. So elementary, but you get to:

1. See what their hands look like (for another blog).

2. Physically touch them (you want to check out what’s going to be petting the kitty).

3. They'll actually look at it in the morning, unlike your stupid business card! If he doesn't call...he is either a jack ass, gay…or has a girlfriend (or all three).

So Lets Recap Ladies:

1. Scorpions: "Rock you like a Hurricane" in the car. Think of that bad girl hot time ON his Jeep...not in his Jeep.

2. Wear something that makes you feel sexy and sassy! Don't be a dumb cunt and wear rhinestones at a dive bar. Or worse, the towney bar.

3. Smile and have a good time! Regardless if you are trying to get laid or not, you are also there to have fun with your friends! Don't be a damn douche! Have fun, be happy and the ass will take care of itself.

4. Make those lashes eye fuck! Don't be Rodney Bettie Page!

5. Make him feel good about himself and don't even tell him your name! "I just had to tell you how much I LOVE your Molly Hatchet T-Shirt. Looks SOOOO great on you!" Then smile+fuck me eyes and walk away.

6. Enjoy the rest of your night. Regardless if he comes to you or not, some other dude has been eyeing your tricks the entire time and will gladly give you every inch of his attention.

God DAMN I’m sweating! Good thing I’m not wearing any panties.

NOW…Who’s buying me a shot? I would prefer Pendleton.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly Relationship.

If all your friends think your boyfriend is a fucking douche bag...chances are, he's a fucking douche bag.

Have you had a friend, or maybe you’ve reached a state of emotional maturity where you can look back on your own life, and say, "I was living in fucking La La Land"? Well, I have personally been there, and I currently witness it daily. Why do women dream up that their douche bag BF is perfect for them?

Are you so worried about being alone that your "single goggles” turn the tool in the BMW and Ed Hardy shirt into Mr. Right? Then your girlfriends are like, “That guy’s a piece of shit,” and you spend the rest of your relationship being obsessed with making your friends like your lame boyfriend? your eyes!

UGH! There’s nothing more annoying than when your obsessing friend brings her douche bag around, especially when IT wasn't invited! I mean it takes time to prep yourself to be forced to sit next to this guy, and then the whole time your friend has hearts shooting out of her eyes. GAG ME!

Sometimes the smartest, wisest chick you know ends up in this challenging position.

Why do women feel the need to be treated like shit?

I divide these kinds of females into two types of bitches: The Desperate and The Social Hierarchy. Now not all women are in these categories, but any woman can fall in at anytime during her life. If you are in…you CAN get out. But in order to get out you must be able to recognize the symptoms. Let’s dissect the first specimen.

The Desperate:

This woman believes that there really is "the one." She believes that someday a man on a fucking white stallion will swoop into town and grab her up in his arms and make her the hap-hap-happiest girl in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD(…of fucking Disney). This chick dreams about a big fucking wedding, the white picket fence, turkey and babies in the oven. She thinks that having these things really means you made it in life.

She also has the WORST time breaking up with somebody because she second guesses herself. "Maybe he was supposed to be the one and I fucked it up?"

Sister, if he was the fucking one, he wouldn't have cheated on you, or mentally or physically abused you in public! (Or in private without the use of a safe word.)

Give me a fucking break!

This is the friend that always lingers on these break-ups like a fucking World War. You know, the chick you are telling the same fucking advice over and over again, and she doesn't listen to you! She continues to get sucked in to the same lame bullshit. What she doesn't understand is: He likes having this control over you...breaking up and then winning you back. is great for his ego! HE WILL NEVER EVER EVER change, no matter how much therapy he gets!

This is the friend that truly is wonderful and beautiful on the inside and out. This chick is one of those friends that just loves everybody more than herself. She is so great and innocent, that this douche bag was able to suck her into his drama. Worse, she feels like she needs to make HIM she does for everybody else.

What makes her desperate? She is so obsessed with making this fucker happy and the lame relationship work, that she will not only put herself through hell, but drag everybody around her into hell as well. She really has become dumb as fuck. As much as you love her, and as smart as she really is...she is now dumb as fuck. On top of that, her douchy boyfriend has to hang around, and it is so annoying!

Word of advice to the friends of the Desperate: She won't listen to you. She will ask you for advice over and over again, which you will give her, but she won't listen. Keep giving her the same advice in the same form. Consistency matters. Be frank and honest with her. Eventually she will stop asking you for advice. WHY? Because she doesn't want to hear your honesty...and that is when the Desperate should realize she is fucked. At that point, send her the link to this blog.

If you get to a point that you are breaking your neck to make your friends like your dick-fucker man, or you have stop asking for honest advice from the people you love and are now a Desperate.

The Social Hierarchy:

Whore, Gold-digger, Snob, Freak, Jock, Drunk, Nerd...there are many different names for this chick. She can have many personalities and they are all different. The one thing that makes women The Social Hierarchy is they only date within their circle of social acceptance. This is in order to save face and maintain, or build, their perceived social value.

This could be a chick who is a dark metal head who swears that Slayer is the best band in the world and would beat the shit out of any dude wearing skinny jeans. Or this could be a chick that spray tans once a week, wears more jewelry than your Grandma, spends way beyond her means, and drives that Lexus she cannot afford. Regardless, the way this woman appears is the most important thing to her. She really doesn't know who she is anymore or what really makes her happy.

Again...this happens to the greatest women we know.

The Social Hierarchy is more concerned with what people think of her dating life, than her actual relationships. It doesn't matter how big a fucking DICK a dude is...or that he fucking flirts with other bitches right in front of her face, he fits her social mold! It often starts out innocent, because obviously this gal will be initially attracted to the type she normally dates, but what makes it fucked up is when she stays with him when she shouldn’t. The Social Hierarchy chick is so concerned about building her social profile she uses her dating life as leverage and proof of her value in her social circle. This woman will continue to stay in shitty relationships and date the same fucking assholes because it makes her look good to the people in her social circle.

JUST BECAUSE he drives a nice car, has a nice house, and wears fucking Armani, doesn't mean he knows how to eat pussy! More likely his entitled chauvinist attitude will go to work right away on the task of breaking you down emotionally!

JUST BECAUSE he likes the same music, can mosh with the best of them, and plays a fucking guitar, DOESN'T mean he isn't going to cry during sex and then fuck your best friend!

JUST BECAUSE he likes Avatar, knows how to imitate Captian Kirk, and thinks DDR is exercise...doesn't mean he has a BIG COCK and will treat you like a lady!

If you know a “The Desperate” or “The Social Hierarchy” that is in a bad situation, the only advice I can give you is what I do myself...Listen. Consistently give them the same advice, be literal, and remind them to be realistic! There is no magic solution here. These women need to learn the hard way, like all of us have. Only the lucky ones learn from their mistakes or begin to take advice from the people they love.

My advice to "The Desperate" and "The Social Hierarchy": Listen to what your friends and loved ones say and always put yourself in their shoes. Would you want your sister, or best friend being treated the way you are being treated? Also, just because your friends and family are being honest with you about their worries, don't shut them out of your life and begin spending your life only with him! That alone is the single most terrible thing you could do to yourself. AND ANOTHER THING....STOP inviting that fucking asshole out for ladies night. It is called LADIES NIGHT for a reason! Fuck girl!

And if he does show up, ladies be careful and don't drink too much. You may just end up hitting or publicly insulting him. Whoopsie! That's not the best way to handle it...TRUST ME!

GOD did fucking Dr. Phil write this? SHIT! I need a the shot of Whiskey! Go find your own.

And would you take the edge off already! Your chastity is really bothering me.

Thanks again to L.S. and C.M. for helping me with my terrible grammar.