Thursday, October 6, 2011

Being "Ironic" is a red flag for mangina.

In a city full of straight men wearing skinny jeans, fucking v-necks, and goddamn pussy scarves...a single slut needs a fucking real man check list. Portland woman have become so numb and desensitized from the lack of real men in this city, I have seen some redneck girls like myself accidentally have bathroom sex with a man that may or may not be wearing black rim glasses he bought at Forever 21. Is there really a lack of manly men in this city? Is it the fucking rain stopping men from growing taller and gaining muscle? Is it when PBR became a hipster beer that everything went to shit? I would just like to know why the fuck so many straight Portland men are more feminine than Andy Dick.

Where have all the Cowboy’s gone? Is Sam Elliot the only one left in this city?

I have included a list of questions to ask early on in a first conversation with a guy to determine if he is a little fucking bitch and will cry during sex. If he answers either of these questions wrong...I would take a hard long look in the mirror and ask yourself if you really need to get laid that bad. Hey...if he has drugs, lots of money, or you haven’t been fucked in awhile...I won’t judge you. These questions should hopefully help you sleep at night when you lie awake wondering...was it a single mom thing? Was it a public school thing? Are there really just a bunch of fucking bitches in Portland?

Lucky for you...I have found AND have fucked a few of these rare savage beast men in Portland and I have created checklist to help me cut out the fucking mangina clutter.

1. Have you ever hunted or fished for your dinner? Can you tell me how long your fishing pole is?

2. What kind of cologne is that? Did you accidentally put too much on today?

3. Have you ever driven anything else except for your lesbian Subaru or fucking bicycle? Do you even have a fucking driver’s license?

4. Have you ever taken a shot of whiskey? What about an Irish Car Bomb?

5. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Do you shop on NW 23rd at all?

6. Have you ever used a chain saw? How about a fucking hand saw?

7. Did you participate in Drama or Choir in high school? (If he says yes...and then proceeds to discuss his four high school years in football...then I'd let it slide...and then have it slide in your ass).

8. Have you ever changed your own oil, flat tire, or replaced windshield wipers? (If he happens to have a car...fucking manvinga).

9. Do you spend more than $25 per month on your hair or do you wax on a regular basis? (Waxing his back is one thing...waxing his chest and eyebrows is a red flag for fucking tears during sex).

10. Do you have a cat? Is it a barn cat or do you brush it and sleep with it every night?

Dating is never fun, but casual sex sure is! Don’t waste your happy healthy vagina on a piece of shit you will later regret. Trust me...when you wake up to see his bike helmet and find out he lives with his will wish you took home the guy with the hairy back instead.

Go out there and join me in making a stand against all the fucking Mangina’s in Portland...and get drunk while doing it.

Friday, May 6, 2011

I know what I need...and I need it fast.

There is nothing better than having that person that you can call when it’s absolutely urgent to get fucked and you know it will just rock your world. The person who knows you don’t want to change anything else about what you are doing except meeting in a seedy bar and going in their car and banging it out. The sex is so incredible that you have to just call them in the middle of the night for an emergency orgasm. It is so fucking amazing that no matter who you are dating, if you are in a commitment, or you are just need it and you need it fast.

Who doesn’t want that unattached sex that blows your mind...the sex that when you walk in the door it is fucking on and both of you are so fucking impatient you can’t even get all your clothing off. You can call them anytime, anywhere and you know that there will be hot sweaty sex without any strings attached.

Everybody needs that person and should have that person right now. You need to have that dirty slut or hot fucker that you barely know who can fuck you like nobody else can. No love making, no meeting the fucking parents, and absolutely no romance. I am talking hot and heavy sex when you want it and as fast as it can happen. No strings attached...just good and marinated and ready to go.

I know several people that have this person...and often change this person up from time to time. This person shouldn’t be somebody you would take home to mom or somebody you travel in the same social circle with. This person needs to be good looking, has all the right equipment, and knows how to shut their fucking trap. They also need to have reliable transportation so when you want can get it. Trust me from experience...a fucking skateboard just isn’t going to get it done.

This isn’t a one night stand, this isn’t a friend with benefits situation, and this isn’t a fucking relationship whatsoever. This is a fucking booty call on goddamn
steroids! This is kind of like a reliable cell phone, a stiff martini, an good line of cocaine, and a hot shower... everybody needs one and it has to be quality.

Stop fucking that person that just doesn’t get it done! If you do find the person that does get you doesn’t always mean you need to have a relationship with them. Sometimes a good fuck when you need it is a perfectly good relationship.

Start tonight. Go out there and find that person who makes you fucking crazy horny. don’t want this person so perfect that you will eventually want more than just an urgent telephone call in the middle of the night. You want them dirty, sexy, and to make you fucking cum like nobody else can...even if it is in a porta potty. Hey...I am not one to me.

This is making me crazy...time to dial my booty call on steroids.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Just be honest or throw that pig back into the wild. This isn't a Luau!

What the fuck is a Hida Hog? The original term of a Hida Hog is a girl that isn’t really up to a guys social standards and keeps her hidden from his friends and acquaintances as she isn’t adequate enough to be in public with him. A hida hog really is only for immediate gratification or a booty call.

As I totally embrace booty calls, one night stands, fucking somebody ugly, anything that involves equal opportunity fucking…you know I am usually in. I think this term can get a little bit messy. Not only is it unfair to say that only men have a hida hog…I know PLENTY of women that fuck unacceptable men all the time and do not bring them around.

Here is my fucking problem with a hida hog…typically to keep people around; it is very common for men and for women to be misleading so they can reap the benefits. There is nothing more fucking horribly annoying and disgusting to me than a person who wants to have their fucking cake and eat it too and somebody who is misleading and selfish about sex.

Why can’t people just say “I just want to fuck you…I am not interested in anything else?” I wish people were more honest about bootie calls and straight forward about what they really want. It is okay to just NOT be into somebody except sex. People have been doing it for years without being misleading or a real fucking dick. Being a hida hog means that the person is just not fucking into you at all…they just want to have sex and haven’t told you so.

Here are a few signs you may be a hida hog:

- The person you are fucking only wants to have you at their house or your house or in a place they have no chance of bumping into their social circle or in a situation where they may appear unavailable.

- You have NEVER met their friends or very few of them. You have never met their family, boss, coworkers…and would never go to any event where these individuals would be around.

- They are not straight forward about what they really want with you. They tell you they want to take it ONE DAY AT A TIME and see where it goes…and months and months have gone by.

- They are always doing fun things without you and hanging out with people you have never met.

- They only text you, IM you, or email you…they never call you in public.

- If they do spend any time with you…it is usually around you having sex.

- If they have mentioned what a great friend you or have said they want to work on having a good friendship so the future can be stronger.

If you aren’t a hida hog…then this person is either in a relationship, they are married, or they are just not fucking into you and you need to either move on…or take the edge off. This is ALWAYS why you should be sleeping with more than one person.

Dr. Ramblin Broad has a cure for anybody who may start to think they are a hida hog: GO FUCK OTHER PEOPLE! Fuck as many people as you can…and enjoy it. If you happen to get that booty call from the rat bastard or the dumb cunt…fuck them anyway…at least now having the cake and eating it too is fucking fair. Beat them at their own fucking game!

Friday, April 8, 2011

I eat more chicken than any man ever seen…

Yes…I want you to be my backdoor man. The term "backdoor man" originally came from a woman cheating on her husband and the other man exiting from the back door. But since the dirty slutty 1960’s it is a double entendre also meaning practicing anal sex.

I am beginning to find out how many bitches don’t give up the ass…and I mean literally…their asshole. What are they scared of? I have also realized how many dudes actually don’t like something in their ass or anal sex with a woman. Really? Get a hold of your fucking sexuality already! Look…I can understand that it isn’t everybody’s cup of fucking tea…but don’t knock it until you try it.

If you do it right…anal sex can be rewarding for both partners. There are so many dumb fucking assholes out there that not only don’t know what the fuck they are doing with the vagina…but are so selfish they forget that sex is actually a two way fucking street. If both partners communicate and can laugh and have a good time in bed…then anal sex shouldn't be embarrassing or disgusting.

Here are a few tips on how to make anal sex work for you and your partner:

- LUBE LUBE LUBE. Don’t just stick it in without it. No fucking way.

- The clit is there…fucking use it! Whether or not your lady touches it or you man up and do it yourself…find time to make sure the clitoris is getting attention during this process.

- As one of my friends so nicely puts it…sometimes you gotta play poop. Don’t be embarrassed…just try to understand your body and have some common sense.

- Make sure your lady has already cum…there is no back and forth here…once it’s in the brown eye…you can’t go back.

- Slowly make it happen … inch by inch. Don’t just shove the fucker in!

- KEEP IT IN…once it is in…keep it there. You can move it around…but try to not completely pull out as frequent as you would if it was a vagina.

- Make sure the lady feels like she has control of the situation…most woman want to know they can stop at anytime if they need to.

- I recommend that you don’t watch hardcore porn and think anal sex is just like that. Give me a fucking break already.

- Wear a condom…I know sometimes a few of us don’t follow that rule….but please try your best.

Now…man the fuck up and try to expand your horizons or spice things up. I believe you will be thanking me later…so…you are welcome.

Like my dad always said…you can’t get pregnant if you swallow or take it in the ass. He is such a wise man.

Friday, March 18, 2011

It isn't stranger danger if you are asking for it.

Nothing helps you get over a dumb cunt or a fucking dickhead more than getting on top of somebody else. I don’t mean fucking your goddamn exes or getting yourself back into more drama than you already have…I am talking some good old fashion STRANGE. One, two, or multiple STRANGE opportunities can really build the ego and get you right back on track after a break up.

There is something about fucking somebody in the bathroom of a bar…or getting your hair pulled by somebody you just met minutes ago that really makes a person feel special. Waking up next to somebody you just met at your neighborhood bar and staring at them wondering what their name is can be such a delightful feeling. Who doesn’t love calling their friends up the next morning and talking about the random sex they scored…I know I do!

Some people may say therapy works, or a “how Stella got her groove back” vacation to clear your mind will help. FUCK THAT SHIT. I say fuck a different person every night…hell…fuck multiple people every night. I swear…after a few weeks…you will be drama free. Books on tape and draining your friends with conversations are a waste of time. Sunshine and margaritas…although fucking awesome…is just a temporary distraction.

Strange is like going to a new restaurant or trying a new beer. If you like it…you can get it again. If you don’t, then you can just try something else on for size.

Here are a few tips on how to handle some strange:

Strange does NOT mean your exes, your friends exes, people you know have a boyfriend or girlfriend, married folks, and surly not your boss. Trust me…this shit gets fucking messy and makes you feel worse.

The less questions the better. Don’t fucking worry about what somebody does for a living, or if they have kids, past relationships, and what their fucking last name is. Shut your fucking trap and get a good pounding already.

Stop playing fucking games. No flirting…just say it like it is. I want to fuck you…and I want to fuck you right now. The stupid bitches or dumb fucking dudes that don’t appreciate that…are usually the worst in bed anyway. Skip a cold fish…it isn’t healthy for anybody.

Drugs and Alcohol always make some strange way more fun. A few lines or shots off body parts really spice things up.

Only give them your number if the sex blew your mind and they are aware you only want a bootie call down the road…nobody needs somebody with hearts shooting out of their eyes.

Use nicknames instead of real names. Each new strange needs a nickname like: The Sunglass Guy, Beer Guy, Marilyn look-a-like, rapper wannabe...catch my drift? It makes telling your stories so much more delightful…and nicknames are easier to remember.

Last but very not least…in the words of my man Kid Rock…“I don't wanna be your friend...I wanna fuck you like I'm never gonna see you again”…because hopefully you won’t.

Tonight…I am on the hunt. Watch out Portland…I need some serious strange.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Don’t give me no lines and keep your hands to yourself…

There are too many people worried about their future love life than getting fucking porked and having multiple sex partners. These people are focused on creating a marriage, having children, going to church, and wearing mom jeans. You know, the real fucking “important” things in life.

From the day we are all born society has set a moralistic stage for what a man and a woman are expected to achieve. When is the right time bust your cherry, get married, fucking squeeze a few out? These pressures can get to a point where grown ass men and women begin to desperately obsess.

Desperate is never a good look no matter who you are.

It is so obvious when fucking people have marriage and babies on the mind. Really…you wonder why you can’t get more than two fucking dates out of somebody? Check your fucking dreams of baggage at the goddamn door. Who really wants to fuck a dumb bitch that is most likely skipping her birth control and won’t let you cum on her tits or in her ass?

Since I am the anti-love, the man-eater, the twisted fucking sister, and the lust obsessed…I can see desperate a mile away. Desperate can come in all different shapes and sizes…

Here are my top five warnings that you need to run and run fucking fast.

- When a date wants to know if you are “exclusive” before your asshole has ever hit their face.

- If a first date asks if you are willing and able to conceive…I would pack your own jimmies for this crazy.

- When you give your number to somebody and they call you more than once in the same night. Watch your rearview mirror.

- If a date shows you more pictures of their nieces and nephews than their genitals, you need to take a goddamn hint.

- Any mention of their age, wasting time, and any horror stories of their exes will result in early talks of commitment.

I am not trying to put down anybody who has these aspirations in life; they should just understand how damn desperate they appear when it isn’t happening fast enough. Take your time, enjoy being single, and have as much sex as humanly possible. When you do get shacked up in a marriage with kids… you will wish you could go back and have the life you didn’t take advantage of.

Stop believing every person you meet is the one.
Stop wondering what your kids will look like with a first date.
Stop dating only “marriage material”…you never know whom you will pass up.

This makes me want to fucking punch myself in the mouth while watching 16 and pregnant, and taking shots of whiskey.