Wednesday, February 24, 2010

A no HO'S barred discussion.

Bitches are crazy.

Including myself...

For example...

My friends say that I over use the word, CUNT. They are wrong. I don't use the word CUNT too often; I just happen to run into a lot of CUNTS! I have a lot of cool friends who somehow get themselves wrapped up into CUNT drama. Which inspired me to write about CRAZY bitches! So babygirls...CUNT CUNT CUNT. How do you like me now?

If you are one of my sensitive, ovary-hoarding blog readers, stop now and save yourself the waterworks. I don't have time for you.

I am so sick of rolling my eyes at happy hour when bitches dream shit up in their heads about their fucking love lives. He is most likely fucking somebody else. Feeling the need to read his text messages and emails should be your first hint. Duh. You don't trust him for a reason. This on the other hand, makes you a crazy bitch, no matter WHO you are!

When you begin investigating your dates, you have a fucking problem. Sorry to say it, but at THAT point the problem is YOU.

I AM your friend that will say, "he's an asshole," and "you are way too good for him." That is what I am supposed say. BUT, what I want to say is, "you knew this when you began the relationship. What did you expect? Stop acting like a dumb CUNT!" AGAIN, this isn't Disney, your pussy isn't the Magic Kingdom!

Guys...Lesbians...and Bi-dabblers like myself, here is a little vocabulary to help identify crazy ass bitches.

The Penny Pinching Pussycat:

This dumb ass bitch hasn't paid for a goddamn thing in her life. She may have not come from money, but you better believe she wants money...honey. This is a girl that never pays for dinner, drinks, cover charges, drugs, or her fake tits. She has some how made it through life by putting her paycheck into savings. She is the one that goes to the bathroom when the bill comes, and the one that rarely puts out after you pay. This bitch sucks. I do think it is important for people to have manners and take care of a date. I believe the line is about 4 or 5 dates in. If she hasn't started to feel guilty about you spending hundreds of dollars on her...and she hasn't given you road head...time to fuck somebody else.

Baby Mama Wannabe:

RUN as FAST as POSSIBLE! Stop thinking about bustin' a nut for one second, and think about child support. There are MANY women who have not only given up on dating, they have decided that they will never find "the one." These chicks are out trollin for sperm. It is true. Be very careful of bitches with baby on the brain. They are fucking bad news and seriously psycho. All types of women want a baby, but not necessarily a relationship. BE VERY CAREFUL. They will not only take your sperm, but they will drain you of life and cash. These women in many cases are most likely very professional, beautiful women that you would never expect. ALWAYS pack your own Jimmy Hats...DUMB ASSES!

The Mini-You:

This crazy bitch really does have an outside life aside from the beginning. You begin dating, you have sex, and the next thing you know, bitch is moving in. That was easy! This lady is very stealth...she comes across almost like a friend. She likes the same movies as you, likes the same sports, same beer, same sex positions, same NASCAR driver, same bars, same music, and even the same toilet paper. This bitch is a deep down stalker. Before you know it, she is friends with all of your friends and knows your parents better than you. Then, you soon realize the friends of hers you met early in the relationship are gone. This girl completely lives for you, and you only! She has literally deserted all her friends, family, and life for you. This is psychotic. Although there are some guys like that, they are called Mormons. She wants to make you love her so much, that she has forgotten who she is. I cannot tell you HOW MANY times I have seen this. THIS IS SCARY, and really hard to read. This scary shit happens right before your eyes, and you won't know what hit you. I have no other advice but to make sure you always have separate avenues and space. It is important to have a life together, but it should not always be about one person. If she exhibits these symptoms...RUN NOW!

The Stalker:

Have you ever started dating somebody and the next thing you know you're on a night out, and the girl you are dating is peering from a few booths away? "I don't have Ah gun...let alone many guns that would facilitate A rack." PSYCHO HOSE BEAST! "IF you aren't careful are going to lose me!" This chick doesn't look at your phone, she looks at your phone bill. This crazy bitch goes through the garbage in your car, and drives by your house when you are sleeping. This is the scariest bitch to break up with. Breaking up with her will involve not only ripping the wires out of your doorbell and watching her jump your fence, but also changing your cell phone number, and losing your roommates respect. They will pretend you are in a relationship even though you have only gone on two dates. This bitch literally thinks you are meant to be together and that you are the Sleepless in Portland. Tom Hanks is scared of her. RUN motherfucker RUN! I am sorry...sometimes it is too late. But your first warning is CRAZY EYES! If you can't see crazy eyes, then you are fucked. No pussy is THAT good for CRAZY EYES. Have fun...and always jimmy up.

The Bull:

When this bitch sees red....she goes crazy! Women LOVE to run shit, but when it comes to a point where she slaps you in the cock because you aren't doing something that she wants, RUN. This chick is destructive. She wants you to be in relationship jail or real jail so bad, you don't even know it! This is the bitch that punches herself in the face during a fight and blames it on you. It starts out with a push and a shove early on, then the next thing you know the cops are banging on your door. Guess who is going to jail? Not her! Better get ready to spend 36 hours in the cell before you can convince them she is a crazy ass ho. This shit happens more than you can imagine! My friend is a lesbian and had to deal with a crazy cunt like this. That's right two hot lesbians in a fight and one punches herself bloody and my innocent friend goes to jail. Crazy bitches are everywhere!

Miss Insecure:

The worst one of all! "What do you want to do?" "What do you think?" "Do you think I look okay tonight?" "Why haven't you said anything about my new bra I bought 6 months must think I have ugly boobs?" "We have been dating for two weeks and I haven't met your must be ashamed of me!" If you hear this line: "you hate me don't you" before a relationship has even blossomed, RUN THE FUCK OUT THE DOOR! There is normal chick insecurity, and then there is Miss Insecure. These chicks normally will bore you to death or turn into the Mini-You. Insecurity is not hot. Sack up already! It is time to meet a real woman who doesn't NEED somebody. Next thing you know...Miss Insecure turns into "Ooops I missed my period," and you have a Baby-Mama on your hands. Always pack your own Jimmy Hats.

There are so many different women...this vocabulary lesson will need to continue another time.

This blog YES...was meant to scare you. You can fuck whomever you want, just be careful of the repercussions. I encourage casual sex and casual dating. I only encourage those things so people can find what they really like, and what eventually will make them happy. Just because you are pushing 30 or 40, doesn't mean its time to play house. Be ready on your own clock...not somebody else's.

It takes a crazy chick to know a crazy chick. Watch out...they are getting pregnant with your eyes and you don't even know it yet.

Now go take a shot of whiskey, and make sure to pack your own Jimmys. Magnums I hope! :)

Special thank you to my girl L.S. for helping me edit...she is a so hot, smart, and not a crazy hose beast! :)

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Put some catnip in your pocket...

The pussy. How do you get it?

It is not as challenging as one might think. You might have some ho's like myself, who believe taking the edge off and sowing your oats is by far the way to live. may come across the other 80% of females who hold back the vag like a park ranger holding a baby bald eagle still getting its peach fuzz.

COME ON! There is nothing more annoying and aggravating then somebody who won't give it up after three dates. Your pussy is not that fucking magical. This isn't fucking Disney. Get over yourself or come out of the closet already. Don't be scared babygirl, that is what a condom and Gardasil is for.

Guys...if a gal hasn't given it up after three dates, then it shouldn't worry you to move on, because...if you follow any of my advice, you would be taking the edge off with another girl later that night anyway.

Ladies...always assume that a guy you are newly dating is most likely seeing somebody else. Would you want to be with a dude that isn't in demand? Stop thinking you are the only woman with a warm wet hole. must tame the kitty before she will play with your balls of yarn. The Cat is like any other animal, it respects confidence but as soon as you show will leave you with a $200 bar tab and cold lonely bed.

Always play the confident card. Donald Draper wasn't a character created out of thin air. Women love a man who will hold their head high and doesn't immediately come crawling. Donald Draper is like a patient sniper, he knows when to take THE shot. Be the man that makes a girl wait for a glance, and maybe a smile. Don't be a stalker and stare at her while you lick your hair-lip. Don't try to pet her...until she comes to you.

Once the kittycat brushes up against you, because she will, act surprised, cool, and turned on all at the same time. Women want to feel sexy...and showing them you are flattered and excited by their appearance (in a non-sex offender fashion) is the key to the golden fleece.

If you are lucky and suave enough for her to stick around...don't be cocky. There are millions of sausages in the butcher shop. Stop, Look, and Listen. This is an age old sales tip...that actually still works today, even in dating. People love to talk about themselves. Ask as many questions as you possibly can, and always dig deeper. You must act interested in her college stories and love for wine. Keep your eye on the prize and the cat will come a callin.

Yes, she is very interesting, but not as interesting as how the other felines in the room are perceiving you. She might not be the one coming for the catnip, but all of the sudden the doors have been open. As soon as you talk to a good looking girl in the room, all the others want to know what you have packin. Seem interested, without being affectionate, you never know if her best friend is better looking.

Women...just like men enjoy the hunt.

Stop, Look, and Listen. Keep your eye on the room and the prize...the catnip in your pocket is confidence and awareness...use it.

Lets see if you can make that kitty purrr.

Now take a shot of whiskey, and wet that cigar.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

No shopping for cucumbers in sweat pants!

I love living in the Northwest, don't get me wrong. But us motherfuckers are almost as bad as people from Cloquet Minnesota. (First, Last, and Only time I'll be visiting). Where I might add...I saw a dude changing his ugly baby's shitty diaper on a Wendy's fast food table, which most likely wasn't his kid considering how ghetto ass his ugly sweat pants two o'clock on a mama was. Yikes.

It is not that hard to take an extra 15 minutes, maybe 5 for me, to throw something on to be socially presentable. Who decided that sweat pants were even a good enough for the gym?

LOOK GOOD at the gym!

Christ! Do you know how many single people go to the fucking gym? I am not saying be like some of my friends and put on eyeliner and curl your hair before you walk in, but be aware at all times of your assets and liabilities.

Asset: Juicy ass in tight running shorts or BLACK yoga pants.

Liability: Big ugly forehead with bangs pulled back in a french braid. EEwww!

This is a big pet peeve for me. I do not understand why a lot of woman and some men go in public looking like they are a manager for an Estacada mobile home park. Really? Scrunchies and headbands were out as a stylish accessory over 20 years ago! I am the first to admit that I wear that shit at bedtime...but I will take the time to look good at Trader Joe's.

Throw on one coat of mascara, a half ass blow dry, and an ass hugging pair of jeans. A "6" in hot tight jeans and make up beats out an "8" in sweatpants and bed head. Hot dudes buy frozen food too, maybe wear a thin t-shirt and no least you aren't going in your pajamas! With the number of ugly folks running errands...a little polish and shine goes a long way...maybe all the way...if you are lucky! Do your part to stand out...whatever that is. You aren't always going to meet somebody at the bar when you are all dolled up! You could fucking meet somebody at the damn post office. Those lines are long and who is to say sparks can't fly? Haven't you ever read Craigslist? many people have missed connections at Starbucks...unbelievable!

I know that I am far from old fashion, but the days of woman looking hot at all times and dudes smelling good even at bedtime...are NOT over. If you are in a relationship or married, don't fucking come home and put your banana clip and zit cream on right away, try not looking like Tonya Harding until right before bed time. Your partner should always feel like they are lucky when they look over at you, even if you want to throw a hubcap at them.

Single ladies...gloss those lips and pull your jugs out! I know we have those days where we wake up late...and have dark circles. Take the fucking time to look hot. I am sick of seeing ugly ass bitches every where I go in Oregon! Who is your boss going to be more forgiving to? The dumb bitch arriving on time in wet hair? Or the hot chick arriving late? You never know when you will bump into somebody with potential. When you are getting ready in the morning...always think...I could meet my future ex husband or ex wife today.

Be charismatic! and tip the hot Barista at Starbucks...Girls...flirt and smile at guy at the dog park...even if his dog isn't as cute as yours. Always be if you were selling yourself, because you are. The dorky millionaire....may just be the one you smile at.

Always be nice, but still stick up for yourself. Kill everybody with kindness, until they ask you on a date. That is for another blog...another game, and another reason to take the edge off.

Now...throw those sweat pants away...and while you aren't wearing pants...masturbate already! I think that calls for a shot of whiskey!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Get it while the gettin's good...

I think there are too many reasons for people to feel bad about getting laid.

WTF! Wherever we came from...God...Science...God and Science like little Suri. We were given an O-Face for a reason. Not all living things have this ability...and we should take advantage! It doesn't matter if you are straight, gay, or even in need of a safe word...people should enjoy sex. Everybody is different, but having one bad sex partner for too long, is like believing Dave Matthews is a good band.

Growing parents always used to say sow your oats! So many people I know haven't given themselves the opportunity to find out who they really are. I'm not just talking about sex, I am talking about finding out what makes you happy. Some people don't want to be in a committed relationship. That is okay. Some people are happy fucking stranger after stranger and traveling the country spreading their seed. That is okay. Some people think they are going to get fucking married to every person they get along with in the bar...this is NOT okay! SOW YOUR OATS!

It doesn't matter how old or young you are...what matters is your experience and learning what a few key things that you cannot live without and a few key things you will NOT live with. It is NOT okay to be selective when you just accepted a free drink and are sitting on some dudes lap...but it is okay to be selective when trying to find somebody to be in a relationship with.

Look...stop thinking that every fucking person you meet in a bar is the "one". This again causes you to give off your needy vibe and you forget that there could be other prospects sitting right next to you. Stop worrying about meeting the "one"...and start having sex with more than one! TAKE THE EDGE OFF! A lot of people meet somebody they really enjoy when they are enjoying someone else.

I am not asking people to go out and be Lemmy from Motorhead...although he is a legend...but not everybody can sex with over 3000 people and still be alive. I am saying...have a good time being single. Stop obsessing over your last breakup. Stop wondering why the last one didn't call...and be that person. Stop calling...stop obsessing...and STOP fucking being so goddamn nice. I promise when you start thinking about getting laid and having will meet somebody you like along the way. Don't always worry if you will be happy and in a relationship. Be happy with who you are now....and having fun...because life is too short . Get it while the gettin' is good...whatever that means to you.

Someday you will look back and be glad you did.

Now go have a shot of whiskey and pick up a playboy.