Friday, October 22, 2010

The scariest thing on Halloween is not getting laid.

Halloween is the time of year to be a huge whore. It is a time to bend over a trick and snort some treats. Who ever said this holiday was for children?

I must be getting old, because the last fucking thing I want to do is hang out with a bunch of mom-jeans with their one wild night out, straight guys pretending not to be homosexuals, and fucking stupid couple costumes! I hate the thought of fighting the crowds and waiting in line for a weak ass drink and fussing with my jugs all night. The one thing that makes all of this bearable is the whorefest that Halloween has become.

Not only is this the best night for an ugly dude to wear a mask and actually score, but the tits and asses are out and about like high school girls at a frat party. I just love me some naughty nurses, tasty devils, and please give me a good old fashion cheerleader. Chicks are so fucking easy on Halloween, no matter who they really are, they are marinated and ready for some role-playing. It is the one time of year every dumb ass bitch is ready to get porked by whatever dude gives attention to the slutty Rainbow Brite costume. If Rainbow Brite really looked like that and had those fucking thigh highs, my father would have never made me change the channel to good old Matlock.

Smart men, and not the kind that slip a mick, should be going to every douchy bar they can make it to before getting cut off. Bitches love to get wild with their glittery eyelashes and stripper shoes…its like somehow they aren’t really the same person behind the mask. Speaking of masks, you can even tap a butter face for that matter! It’s not like you can see what she really looks like, just make sure you send her in a cab before the paint wares off (it will be the best $15 you have ever spent).

Ladies, this is the time to really take advantage of spreading your legs and meeting Mr. Right Now, and then doing the walk of shame in your French maid costume. It is not however the time to fucking find Mr. Please Get Me Preggers because I am 31 and dying for a baby! Go out and have fun, let your hair down, throw on some thigh highs, and pack your own jimmies! When you are in your fifties going through the change, you will look back and wish you took advantage of your not so saggy tits and moist vagina.

I challenge each and every one of you to go out there and make this the hottest, wettest, stickiest Halloween ever! I recommend a male costume of a ping-pong player, that way you can tap a bitch’s bottom ever so lightly and get away with it. I also recommended for a lady costume Roller Girl. Something about the pigtails, skates, tube socks, and a lollipop makes every man believe he’s Dirk Diggler.

I for one will be roller-skating around Portland buying hot cheerleaders Irish car bombs and sampling lollipops.