Monday, July 12, 2010

Don’t waste your spank bank on a goddamn Gorilla!

Everyone has a sick fuck; we have gone over that. But what about your fantasy fuck?

I have had a large handful of fantasy fucks. I would daydream and masturbate all day just imagining what it would be like to pork my fantasy fucks. I would get so wound up sometimes I would make my fantasy fuck, a reality fuck. Take some advice from one seriously determined slut, keep your fantasies…Fantasies!

Just like a sex dream, the sex is never as awesome as you imagined it. Just like a lead singer in a band, they are never as good as they are on stage.

I met this guy in Vegas, and I was SUPER stoked over his knowledge of metal, and of course, he was in a metal band. Tasty, tasty, tasty. His Slayer t-shirt and black fingernails made me want to rip my dress right off!

I soon found out this hot piece of meat lived in Portland! I was so thrilled, I was trying everything to get him to pull my hair in the middle of a goddamn casino. Those fucking blue hairs could suck my dick as far as I was concerned!

A few conversations later, I found out my metal dreamboat had a goddamn girlfriend! Not fair! I then took every opportunity to make this band mate (out of the 600 I have dated) mine.

One happy Saturday, months of masturbating later, I got a text message from this fantasy fuck. Not only was he sexting me all the sudden, but he was asking me on a date to a metal show. I obviously told him I was busy, and 5 hours later accepted, while I warmed myself up for my date that evening.

After a hot night of long hair, sweat, and bloody knuckles I was marinated and ready to go. I almost jumped out of my Vans high tops when he asked if I wanted a nightcap at his place. DEAR GOD!

I followed Mr. Metal Head while he drove his hot big lifted truck to a sexy house he owned. I found myself already moaning as I made my way down his driveway.

What seemed like fucking six hours was about 20 minutes of a drink and a walk around his property. I was ready to fuck that shit like a goddamn potbelly pig in heat, and I couldn’t wait to have him spanking my ass raw!

Watch what you wish for.

Two minutes and gorilla fighting squeals out of his mouth later, I needed a fucking rape shower. Not only was this the shortest and worst sex of my life, I literally thought I needed to pick up a flea treatment on the way home. Obviously, I immediately made up some story as I ran out of his house in tears.

My fantasy fuck was a goddamn gorilla with bad pecks. How could I be so naïve and stupid? For a smart slut, I had seriously missed the pin on this one.

This was the LAST time I forced a fantasy fuck into my pants. I have a consistent group of fantasy fucks I like to keep in my pocket for a rainy day, but I know I will always be disappointed. It is better to fuck what makes you physically hot, whether that be in a relationship, affair, multiple gangbangs, whatever makes one happy.

Think of all the porn and sex scenes we have all watched…you don’t think that has anything to do with the fantasies we create in our heads? I know for a fact that mine involves a snow shovel and rubber gloves, and that is pretty unrealistic...unfortunately.

What we dream up in our little noggins isn’t what will happen. In only one occasion have I been blown away and impressed with what a fantasy fuck has had to offer me. But yes, he was a rock star, and is still a fantasy fuck.

Take my advice, keep your fantasy fuck a fantasy, or you will be out of spank bank before you know it!

This blog calls for some online porn and a shot of whiskey.