Friday, December 17, 2010

Don't underestimate the power of mistletoe...

I can’t fucking stand the holidays. People pretending to be happy in relationships and a marriage just to “get through” the holidays, overbearing mom jeans wearing bell earrings rushing through the grocery stores, and those fucking horrible jewelry commercials that make me want to literally scratch my eyeballs out and have somebody take a shit in my sockets.

The holidays do not make anybody feel warm and fuzzy. Don’t bitches know that those jewelry commercials are directed to men with mistresses? What real man goes and buys something that nice for the woman who bitches all the time and doesn’t suck his cock? Then you have a woman who buys a workbench or some fucking stupid sweater, when all he wanted was the new Gran Turismo to escape her bitch ass.

The holidays are full of disappointment! You are forced to see the family you hate, and end up broke and ten pounds heavier when the first of the year comes around. Who really wants to spend days hearing about why you aren’t married with kids or why you aren’t more successful after all the money your parents spent on college? Who really wants to be forced to be “with” somebody just because they don’t want to be alone during the holidays?

FUCK THAT SHIT. I am having a holiday intervention with you mother fuckers who are guilty as charged.

This holiday season I want you to get fucked up. Fuck as many people at holiday parties you aren’t related to, spend your gift money on drugs, and if you have to spend time with your family…bring a fucking flask!

Here are a few tips to get you into the fucking spirit:

- Instead of spending time and energy on that white elephant gift, share an eight ball with much more white can that be?

- Keep mistletoe on you at all times. Who can resist?

- Drink during the day. Every morning in your coffee put a shot of something to keep you warm on your drive to work…it makes traffic less stressful.

- After a family dinner, take your cousins from out of town to a goddamn strip club and show them what pussy and Portland is really about.

- Don’t bring a date to any party you go to…you never know who you might want shag in the coat closet..

- Go and enjoy every holiday specialty cocktail in town. I highly recommend going to Huber’s and then taking a taxi home…you will need it.

- Give the gift of alcoholism. Everybody likes booze for Christmas.

- When the New Year rolls in…kiss as many people as possible in the room. Attached or not…everybody is allowed a free-for-all kiss when the clock strikes midnight.

Have a fucking safe and drunk holiday season! As a present to me, I would appreciate at least one good porking to end 2010 on a high note…and then don’t take their number when you leave.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Some men are about as smooth as a razor blade...

Within the past few years I have come to the conclusion that most men these days have completely lost their balls. What happened to a guy trying to get laid by flirting with you in person instead of sending text messages? Fuck your text messages you cock sucker! I am not sending you a “pic” so you can jerk off to it. I will fuck your face if you can actually be man enough to say you want to see me in person.

My definition of a real man is one that works hard. Works hard in his job, works hard on his social life, and most of all…works hard on getting fucked. A man shouldn’t get paid at his job for sitting around sticking his thumb up his ass should he? Then why is it socially acceptable for a grown ass man to just assume a bitch is going to fuck him without even asking to see her?

Do some men really think any acceptable female will swoon when he asks HER to buy HIM a drink? Are you fucking serious? You think I am going to literally suck your nuts because I bought YOU a drink? Yes, this has honestly happened to me. I had a dude text me and ask when am I going to ask HIM out and when am I going to buy HIM a drink? Needless to say, he hasn’t seen my tits.

Let me be isn’t the purchasing of a drink that is the problem. I have bought many rounds of beers for tables full of hot guys, I have always offered to go dutch at all my dates, I have bought drinks for girls with great tits, and I have also exchanged whiskey for oral sex. Most women these days can buy their own fucking shit. We want to be treated like a lady and not a fucking whore. Women want to be treated like a whore while you are fucking her, not while you are trying to fuck her.

If you want to get laid, you have to do the legwork you fucking pussy.

1. Talk to us or call us…don’t fucking send text messages like Brett Favre.
2. Getting us face to face is half the battle. Make sure you nail down a time and a place. Be the one to ask to see her…If you want to fuck us, you need to ask us.
3. Be persistent. Persistency pays off with a hot sex, or anal if you are lucky.
4. Be a gentleman even if you are a fucking douche bag deep down inside. Offer to buy a drink, open the door, or light her goddamn cigarette…a little goes a long way.
5. Don’t play games. Most women I know like unattached sex. If all you want is to fuck, say so! Women appreciate honesty, it turns us on.

Recap: Don’t ever fucking ask a chick when she is going to take your fucking sorry ass out. Not only will you never get pussy, but you will get a bad reputation real fast…woman talk. Trust me. Ask her out, then split the bill. Don’t be a fucking child.

Now I am going to go buy myself a drink and maybe the woman sitting next to me. I can only assume I will get lucky.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

There is nothing more pathetic than an office slut...

Are you the office slut?

Let me clarify.

In the good old days, you could fuck your boss or your secretary, go home and lead a totally separate life. That's the way its meant to be. You could also smoke at your desk and have a bottle of whiskey open all day long. In the good old days bitches didn’t go cry in the bathroom because their hot office fuck didn’t give them the time of day during a meeting, and they sure as fuck didn’t hang around in the mother fuckers cubical all day giggling and twirling their hair like a fucking high school cheerleader.

An office slut is like a public water fountain… Walk up, push the right button and she’ll quench your thirst. But its all wrong. Nobody actually wants to admit they use a public water fountain.

There is nothing sexier than getting fingerbanged in the copy room or getting a blowjob under your desk. Who doesn’t love a good parking up against the vending machine or maybe a quick lip lock in the elevator? If you are really good…like myself, you can get a hot quickie done in 8 floors on the elevator. No panty Thursday is your friend!

Most office sluts are not only obnoxious and pathetic, but they have no idea what people actually think of them. These bitches runs their mouth about their office fuck and use it to gain attention, mind fuck others, and use it as an excuse to roll up in a ball on the floor crying asking “Why me?" did it to yourself you dumb cunt.

Do yourself a favor and SHUT YOUR SLUT MOUTH!

An office gangbang is supposed to be kept private, which is what makes it so goddamn fun! Nobody is trying to get a relationship out of the deal, or worse...get married!

Yes, I know multiple stupid bitches that do seriously date within the office, like its fucking high school or something. One time…you learn, second time…you are stupid, the third time you date a guy from work, you are an office slut. Are you that fucking desperete that you can’t find guys to date outside of work? Just because a guy at work fucks you, doesn’t mean you are meeting his family or moving in with him!

The Ramblin Broad Constitution clearly establishes the separation between Work and Date.

Don’t get me wrong…there are smart women out there in the professional world who can get their job done, fuck a few people in the office, and go home and not think twice about it. Men on the other hand have this built within…there isn’t many men begging an office fuck to meet his friends or let alone move in with him. If there is a guy you know doing this, stop fucking him immediately, he is most likely trying to get fired or get out of his marriage.

An office slut, a.k.a. the train wreck, a hot mess you can’t help watch crash and burn, is such great entertainment and an awesome source of gossip. The most dramatic, ball baby bitches tend to end up an office slut and then fuck up by let their lips flap. And not just the meat curtains…

My advice…fuck whoever you want at work but keep your goddamn trap shut! If you continue to date within the workplace and tell everybody about it, you need to fucking get on a stripper pole and get over your goddamn daddy issues already. If you don't, nobody will ever take you seriously again.

Now keep those office flings hot and your panties wet.

I am going to get back to work. It is after all...No Panty Thursday. What drawer did I put that whiskey in?