Thursday, April 29, 2010

Chlamydia is not the Latin name for a flower!

Unlike a flower nobody picks Chlamydia. There are no poems about stopping to smell the Chlamydia. But that doesn't mean you won't get handed a bouquet of Chlamydia at the door on a first date.

Honesty and flattery will get you everywhere, and lying about your inflamed labia will get you nowhere. Who the fuck decided it was ever a good idea to just pretend you don’t have an STD? Fucking selfish mother fucking assholes is who!

Lets be honest, guys aren’t as obsessed with what is going on with their junk, just what they can do with their junk. Just because it burns like hell during urination, doesn't mean he won’t put that fire out with your vag water. Most men are so fucking clueless. And the ones that aren't clueless are fucking assholes. And the ones that are clueless are clueless fucking assholes.

Gentlemen...its time to be gentle and be a man. There is no acceptable excuse for rubbing your diseased cock on another human being. You know if you are guilty of this crime. I hope you feel guilty every time you jerk off, look in the mirror, look in the mirror while jerking off, and then cry while you wear women’s underwear. Tell the bitch. Then wear a rubber. Actually wear two. Thanks.

Women on the other hand are much more in tune with their bodies and seem to have their shit under control. It is those drunken one-night stands or cheating fucking partners that normally fuck it up. Yet there are those lying skanky ho’s out there that enjoy spreading the love...only they are doing it after you pay for a lap dance or when you agree to meet her out behind the greyhound bus station.

As my readers know I very much think that casual sex is a truly important part of any adult’s life. I believe that getting randy as much as possible and a good clump of tapioca balls in your hair is rewarding. BUT…lets all be fucking grown ups here…. to take that shot or to get it straight in the ass without protection, you better be fucking damn sure you have had the “talk”.

The “talk” can happen the first time you meet a dude at Mardi Gras in a bathroom stall, on a first or third date, or right up front before you agree to meet after chatting on eHarmony.

If you are going to have unprotected sex there is much more to worry about then just taking the morning after pill. Yes. This can be a little embarrassing, and maybe ruin the mood, and even the relationship…but it is much better then being Magic Johnson or Paris Hilton.

Have the "talk" goddamn it! Open your fucking mouth and be responsible. Speaking of opening your dirty cock hole mouth…yes you can get an STD from oral sex. Fun stuff isn’t it!

So many people are reckless and act like it would never happen to them, or if it did happen to them…they live in denial and give the gift that keeps on giving. That is why I call this Regifting. This isn’t a white elephant party people. This isn’t that fucking same back massager that continues to show up at the same holiday party every year. Regifting is when you are an irresponsible whore who doesn’t take the time to be an honest humane being.

Be an adult and be responsible. Every person, man and woman, should be getting an annual visit to the doctor and ask for the full screen - even if you are in a committed relationship. You never know when one might step out of the relationship once in awhile, or even live in denial. Always know what is going on with your body, especially if you are a fun girl, (cough: whore!) like me.

According to if you are infected…you aren't alone:

One in five people in the United States has an STD.

Cervical cancer in women is linked to HPV.

Hepatitis B is 100 times more infectious than HIV.

One in five Americans has genital herpes, yet 90 percent of those with herpes are unaware they have it.

At least one in four Americans will contract an STD at some point in their lives.

HPV and Chlamydia are the most common STDs in the United States.

Less than half of adults ages 18 to 44 have ever been tested for an STD other than HIV/AIDS.

At least 15 percent of all infertile American women are infertile because of tubal damage caused by pelvic inflammatory disease (PID), the result of an untreated STD.

Two-thirds of Hepatitis B (HBV) infections are transmitted sexually. HBV is linked to chronic liver disease, including cirrhosis and liver cancer.

Its lax, selfish attitudes toward sexual health that have caused this huge surge in STDs and just because it’s become so common doesn’t mean it isn't a big fucking deal! I don’t know about you, but I would rather save my life than worry about being fucking embarrassed.

This DOSEN’T mean don’t have sex or limit your sex, GOD, you will turn into fucking Kirstie Alley or Andy Dick.

What I am saying is FUCK SAFE and don’t be a fucking asshole. If somebody fucks you over, report him or her to the Department of Health and Humane Services. Fuck them…it is against the law for you NOT to tell your doctor if you know who gave you an STD.

Now that I ripped you a new asshole, with a condom of course, let it heal up for a day or two...and this weekend get fucking laid. Just don’t be fucking dumb. As the Wu-Tang would say, "PROTECT YA NECK!!!"

Well the Broad says... Protect ya neck, throat, mouth, vag, cock, balls, ass, and taint. Cuz ain't nobody gonna protect it for you!

And speaking of throat...I could use a little something in it.

Any suggestions?

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Nuts aren’t a right, they are a privilege.

If I wanted to swap cum with a womanly man, why wouldn’t I just fuck a woman? Women smell nice, have a soft vag and are always great kissers. I love the gay boys; I just have no tolerance for a bitchy man.

If you aren’t trying to fuck her on the first date, you might be a pussy without the hair.

Exfoliate or masturbate? If you have to ask which is more important in the shower, you would qualify for Paris Hiltons My New BFF.

If you work out and spray tan more than you lick box, you might be the next Danny Bonaduce.

What has happened to the nature of a manly man? Have European shoulder bags and too many boy bands changed the newer generation of dudes? The world is expected to evolve for another 1.5 billion years, and at this rate, you won’t know which is a guy or a girl on The Rock of Love. Lord knows fucking Brett Michaels will have found the secret to never ending youth, and STILL be looking for “the one”. The worst of all…Ryan Seacrest will be hosting Galaxy Idol.

A lot of women already have their own male assistant (aka man secretary), and you can’t find a descent guy with facial hair over 6’2”. What most women want is a guy who can put her in her place, spank her ass with some strength, and NOT wear more jewelry than she does.

If you think something you do is a little girly, YES, hide that from us women. Men are supposed to be protectors, stronger than us, and mentally ready to take shit at any given notice. I am have NEVER shot a gun in your life? You don’t know how to throw a punch? What the fuck! I would punch a dude in the fucking forehead just for that shit alone!

These fucking Nancy’s love to go after my ho train. My friends think I am a bully. Well, I guess I am, to weak men. Living in Portland OR is almost as bad as living in fucking So Cal these days. At least in So Cal the guy’s surf and fuck like rabbits! Christ…surfers in OR have to wear a goddamn wetsuit, and are usually packing more of a beer belly than anything else.

I cannot stand a fucking weak dude. I have what I like to call “tuckdar”. That’s right; men who should just stay home and play tuck and hide. I seem to find those mother fuckers wherever I go. Sometimes I worry these guys might actually like my cunty mouth, instead of my blonde hair and big tits. It never ends…the short guy at the bar that tears up every time I make fun of his popped collar. The thirty-year-old metal head that tried to hit me because I made fun of him for still living with his mother and getting an allowance. The slimy fuck in the suit I called out for owning a tanning bed and wearing a v-neck shirt, that’s right…he called me a dyke. I am not a dyke, but I am likely to get more pussy than he does.

A few tips to fucking manning up:

1. Watch the movie Hooper. It might inspire you to grow real man facial hair and drive a muscle car.

2. Own a pair of boots. Strap on some big yummy motorcycle, cowboy, or combat boots. It makes you instantly manlier.

3. Less is more! Women don’t mind men wearing accessories, but just don’t go overboard. Scarves are borderline; you must be good looking or be well put together to wear a scarf for fuck sake!

4. If you don’t like sports…be into something competitive. A lot of women I know LOVE sports, or a little healthy competition. It gets our blood boiling, and I mean the fire down below.

5. Drive a fucking car already! There is nothing more pathetic then a guy who can’t pick you up on a date because he claims he is being “green”! In actuality he is either broke or has had too many fucking DUI’s.

6. Fewer words and more eye contact. Fucking girly dudes always seem to fuck up their mouth and say shit that make us roll our eyes. Think before you speak, and normally speak more with your eyes.

7. Be a dick once in awhile. Put us bitches in our place. I KNOW I have had sex with more men that have told me to shut my mouth than those ball baby guitar players.

8. Be gentlemen. Have manners, and remember what your mother taught you!

9. Always go for the tang. Still be a gentleman, but let us know how much you want to lick our taint and our snatch.

10. Last but not least, if all else fails. Ignore us…that will drive us women CRAZY!

Please take note that the real manly men, are few and far between. Can’t you tell it is a dying breed? Most of them only exist in Coors Banquet commercials and the movie 300. If you can prove to us chicks that you are a real man, she will take a seat between your eyebrows and your chin.

GOD…I am about as manly as they get, I want to go see if I can lick my own taint. If I end up growing a mustache after this, you owe me a bottle of Pendleton fuck stain.

Friday, April 16, 2010

I need a goddamn facial already!

If you are going to take a shot in the mouth, make sure that dirty motherfucker deserves it.

Do you need to be “in like” to swallow a man's penis mucus? Do you need to swallow every single time you give head? Is it even considered giving head without swallowing?

In the past week I have asked a grip of my cunt friends how they feel about taking a shot in the mouth. I was surprised by the response I received.

It seems most individuals who give blowjobs don’t feel that the act of a blowjob has a definition. Yes, you put the cock in your mouth, and make shit happen. But what is the true definition?

We all know it is a JOB for a reason. There are many steps for this job and many things that make this job successful.

Does foreplay mean putting a cock in your mouth for a long period of time? Does a blow job really mean following through to the end and clocking out?

First, let's discuss what jizz really is. Cum, or sperm are reproductive cells. I know I am not telling you anything you didn’t learn in middle school, but this shit isn’t meant for use as a protein shake. Although this bleach smelling, creamy, tapioca like substance can stick between the cracks of your teeth, it is not bad for you. According to Men’s Health, semen is 65 percent fluid from the seminal vesicles, 30 to 35 percent of the prostate and 5 percent from the vasa. Semen contains citric acid, free amino acids, fructose, enzymes, phosphorylcholine, prostaglandin, potassium, and zinc. There are about 500 million sperm for each ejaculation.

Sounds like a fucking low carb cocktail huh? I bet it would be good frozen and used after yoga.

I definitely believe it is rude and CUNT-like to spit. Really? You are going to go through all that effort to coat your throat and then bring it back up? YUCK? It is like when you were a kid and you had to eat your peas, but then you decided to spit them in your napkin when your bitchy aunt wasn’t looking.

I think spitters need to work on their form.

Do you always have to swallow?

What is wrong with:

1. 69 action during foreplay to get things rolling before a little mattress dancing?
2. Blowing under a table in a restaurant and then finishing with penetration in the
3. A knob job in the shower and having it stuck in your ass before he cums?
4. Sucking, fucking, sucking, fucking, and then taking a shot in the face?

Does it always have to end with a guy cuming in your mouth?

Most men sure seem to think so.

If you aren’t taking a shot in the mouth, apparently it is quite annoying. I guess having a load on the tits, face, asshole, or the good ole vag just isn’t good enough. I have even had it shot in the eye and seem to have recovered just fine.

My point is…men sure complain a lot about not getting enough head. But, maybe they do. Maybe their definition of head is sucking him dry.

I wonder if men ever stop to think when we let them “finish” to their standards, that maybe their partner didn't get off? Funny, a dude being selfish? NOOOOOOOO!

Don’t get me wrong, there is something really hot about grabbing that ass, sticking a nice cock in your mouth, and hearing them moan like a gorilla. But what ruins it? You would think it was the Gorilla part. It is when a guy has the attitude that they deserve it! Half the fucking time most dudes don’t deserve a good swallow, but a nice kick in the fucking mouth!

I think that men are fucking complaining too much. They complain if they don’t, and complain when they do.

If you guys feel like you need to give a little direction, do so. Stop fucking around like a Goddamn pussy already! Like I have said in my previous blogs, giving direction can be kind of hot, but there is a craft to it. Don’t be a dick and stop that hot ass bitch in the middle of the procedure and critique her on doing something you could NEVER be successful at yourself! How about be a fucking man and be sexy about it? Direct your pleaser in a sexy Burt Reynolds type of way. Make it fun, make it sexy, and make her feel good about herself.

Nothing good ever comes from making somebody feel like shit when they are trying to please you.

The finesse of giving direction? That is for another blog. Just think about what you may be fucking complaining about, because it could always be worse. You could be with tooth grinding mom jeans, puking on your shoes for Christ’s sake!

Now, I need to take a shot of whiskey, in my mouth, and go masturbate. Apparently I am the only one who knows how to take care of myself.

Yes, I am a dick just like the rest.

Friday, April 9, 2010

“Honey!…I’m going down to the club for a few swings…”

Maybe Tiger could have saved everything if he would have told his wife what he ACTUALLY meant when he said that.

Yes, you can separate sex from love.

Tiger and Jesse James should take some advice from Mo’Nique. That’s right…she isn’t as precious as one might think. With her open marriage, Mo’Nique claims that being honest means letting her husband fuck whatever skinny bitches he wants and she can go on having hairy man legs. Which leads us to the topic of this week:

Can having an open relationship or marriage be the way to go?

You would be surprised how many people think so. Straight, gay, or bi…curiosity about open relationships can stay at jerking off to the girl at work or move to sitting on your barista’s face. Similar to ones genitals, I think each person is built in their own special fucked up way. Just like your clit is oversized or your parents decided not to circumsize you, one could also grow up to think that bringing home a third wheel is a good idea to spice things up. Sort of like a real life plastic fuck doll with…

“Sucking action and life like moans!!!”

My policy…Stop fucking judging, you bitch!

You think you know what a perfect relationship is all about? Go fuck yourself and then go fuck someone else. Maybe if you stopped playing “keep up with the Jones’” for one minute you’d realize that Mr. Jones is actually fucking his trainer…who is a man. Life isn’t all about driving a Lexus and blow jobs on his birthday, it is about mutual respect for your partner and finding out what makes shit work – whatever that means for two people, or three for that matter.

Like a monogamous relationship, open relationships have just as many rules. Just because you get to lick a stewardess’ asshole on your business trip and come home and chat about it while brushing your teeth…doesn’t mean there aren’t fucking boundaries. Yes, there are expectations, even for swingers… Isn’t life fucking grand?

I DID believe that individuals in open relationships can separate love from sex, until I learned of Polyamory (meaning many loves...not LOVERS). Poly’s are a type of open relationship community where individuals are with more than one person not for the act of sex, but to get more out of love and affection. They believe they are a responsible acceptable non-monogamous community. The Poly way of life is to have all your needs met emotionally and intimately, while developing strong life lasting relationships and families.

Yeah that sounds nice but then I’d have to care about them. That is just what I need, to deal with two fucking jerk offs not meeting my needs so why not go find a third? If it were me I would rather get fucked by all three and have them keep their goddamn whiskey traps shut.

Can you fucking imagine being in a relationship with multiple women with their goddamn PMS? Christ!

No thank you!

If you’re a Poly you need a best friend, life coach, and a partner and there’s no recreational sex in that open relationship. Boo!

I would say sign me up for the swinging...

Those old, fat, ugly, sweaty people, standing around in a circle waiting for their turn in a dark basement room that smells like budussy and incense…WRONG!!! Goddamn your asshole is tight!

A lot of swingers are very nice. Very attractive. Very Sexy. And very professional. That’s why at the nice places they make you sign like a thousand non-disclosure forms before you come in.

I love the Swingers.

Swinging is different from Polyamory because this open relationship is purely for the recreation of sex, not for multiple emotional connections. Swingers are a community of people who love to fuck, or as they say, “play”. And they may just have shit right. Not only do they host the greatest parties, but they also have a strict code of rules that this community truly believes in and follows.

One rule that I think rocks is No…ACTUALLY MEANS NO!

For example say a couple comes up and asks you to participate, come over, whatever…You say no. That’s it. They truly respect your wishes. In the swinger setting there’s no Guido wearing Ed Hardy hitting on you at the bar all night long trying to get you to guess the nickname of his penis. That fucking shit doesn’t happen in the world of swinging. And that what makes a swingers club a more preferable destination to most bars! You will have more fun with a group of swingers that respect your wishes and safety than having to worry about letting your cocktail out of your site.

The swinging community can be hosted between small groups, large private parties, or at clubs. No matter what it is, this is very much a community that believes in people having pleasure, respecting boundaries, and most of all being safe! Not to mention they are rolling in the fucking dough! How great would it be if you could prevent cheating, lying, and divorce with a threesome?

You will see very few singles as swingers, as it is mostly a couple activity. This community truly believes that sex and love are two separate things, and that having a loving relationship is a great thing. Swingers care more about being happy…whatever that means for somebody. Which is why they won’t judge you for wanting to be in a committed relationship with one person for the rest of your life. Swingers like to play…and they’re probably happier and more committed to each other than the Jones' ever could be.

Swingers CAN separate sex from love! This task which most friends I know cannot do, where I find it so simple. This may be why guys have to lie to women to get them to fuck them, which maybe one of the reasons why women think most guys are pigs. If you’d just put out to begin with you could avoid that whole problem. Your pussy isn't fucking hat magical!

YOU can separate sex from love. But you probably never will because you’re scared it makes you abnormal or a fucking whore.

Sex is sex…and love is love.

And humans are the only animals truly capable of both. Stop waiting for love before sex. DUMB DUMB DUMB!

I get so fucking sick of people being so pretentious and thinking every kiss, or every fuck is about love. Life isn’t a Danielle Steele novel. Grow the fuck up already! Haven't you been in love? Love is PAIN about 99% of the time, CHRIST!

If you want to be in love to have sex…go for it. Just don’t complain to me how you only get laid once a year. If you are not happy about how much you are getting laid and you have needs, desires, and fantasies…For God’s sake act on them! You were given a taint for a reason.

A lot of people I personally know are so scared to open their minds…and their legs. Nobody wrote the official rules on love and sexytime. Be the author of your own fucking life, if you need an editor once in awhile, that is what I’m here for!

Just always remember you are the owner, creator and director of the film of your life. Do you really want it to be a Disney movie? Or would you rather it turned out more like Boogie Nights… So pick up a pencil, or something a little more girthy, and start writing some excitement into your life…start this weekend. And remember the swingers as your mentors. You don't have to fuck in a group, just try to live your fantasy for once!

“We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.”

I wonder who said that...

Got your Irish Whiskey ready bitches?

Thursday, April 1, 2010

You want me to do WHAT? And then PEE on you?

I was sitting at the office chatting with peers about a Hot Carl…and the conversation blossomed.


Not only did we get graphic and giggle about the act of a hot carl, but also we started to google more information and it quickly got me on fire. The deeper I dug the more excited I become reading about these fucked up fetishes.

I guess I can’t help it. For some strange reason I find fetishes very interesting. The simple thought of who these individuals might be, makes me feel like a modern lady Sherlock Holmes. “It’s elementary my dear Watson…and speaking of… put on this school girl uniform and spank me with this eraser while you spoon feed me pudding…”

Yes I am looking at you. Why? Because I’m wondering if you’re one of the people in the office that likes to strangle themselves while masturbating. Or are you my friend that plays the up-tight conservative by day but your nights are filled with ball gags, bondage tape, and gangbangs? Its just exciting to play pretend, I mean...uh…I could only assume.

Look at your boss. Now imagine him/her hanging from the ceiling by hooks in their back with electrodes on nipples, body convulsing as current pulses though and then relaxes. Pulses through, body clenched…and then relaxed…dangling three feet off the ground…from hooks in their skin.

My policy: Don’t judge. You don’t know until you try.

But where I can see some possible enjoyment in the creative bondage arts, like dangling from hooks, there are some fetishes that are just so fucked up you really should be ashamed of yourself for not knowing.

Carled… or Coprophilia. The tasty sex maneuver where somebody takes a shit on their partners face. There’s also a Warm Carl where somebody takes a shit on their partners face while they have plastic wrap suffocating them. And finally a Cold Carl…where one partner lies underneath a glass table while watching the other shit on the table. Now…I am a freaky whore, but that shit (no pun intended) is totally fucking WAK! I don’t even like to shit myself let alone watch somebody else. I can’t even change a dirty diaper! When my nieces were babies…and I had to untape that nasty saggy over sized maxi pad to find surprises that should be kept unseen…YUCK!

Speaking of diapers…there is not only a fetish of grown adults who get off on wearing a diaper…but there is another fetish where people like to act out as a baby. The individuals who wear just the diapers and aren’t into the act of being a baby are called Diaper Lovers or DL. The individuals who like to wear diapers and get off on acting and dressing like an infant are called Adult Babies or AB, or sometimes referred as DL/AB. Creative huh?

These people seriously do the whole bit...”Ma Ma! MaMa! I’m wet.” (Newsflash readers… I am not)

But if you’re looking for a way to score a little extra cash during these lean times… there are people who make a lot of money by customizing adult baby attire and diapers. You can buy grown adult rattles, pacifiers, diapers, onesies, bonnets, and even bottles. You can also buy slim diapers that you can wear to work underneath your professional attire…NO FUCKING JOKE! Don’t you think this will make you look at men in suits a bit differently? And don’t get this fetish wrong… Paraphilic Infantilism is not about eroticizing babies. Its about grown people dressing up as babies, acting like a babies and pissing themselves cuz that is apparently totally fucking HOT!

Equally unsexy is this one straight from the nasty back allies of Tokyo called Omorashi. Which is when somebody loses control of their bladder and it turns into a live porn act for these twisted pole strokers. The biggest and hottest thing is when professional females or schoolgirls get all dressed up and then piss themselves. Shit! These crazy fucks need to hang out with me for just a few hours. I piss myself more than anybody I know! At $200 a pop and all the free booze I can drink I could clear like $2200 a day.

Ever been turned on by your friend’s hair….while holding it as she is barfing over the toilet? You have Emetophilia. This fetish is when somebody vomiting sexually arouses people. If your guy gets off on this he was probably a date-rapist in college. DON’T LET YOUR DRINK OUT OF YOUR SIGHT! Have you seen two girls one cup? Than enough said. I gagged my ass off when I saw that porn…but you know motherfuckers are rubbin one out to that shit on a regular basis. If you have this fetish, you need to call me! I got a gang of bitches that puke and rally like you have never seen before. FUCK…so good…I think we need a goddamn Olympic Team!

I have a friend that takes Ambien, sometimes before she has sex, and blacks out. This chick will come home, have a normal mom jeans type of evening, and the last thing she remembers before waking up nude with her ass sticking to a wet spot on the sheets, is taking that fucking pill! She doesn’t remember anything. Was she awake? Was she sleeping? Hubby says she was awake but maybe he’s covering up a fetish called Somnophilia, or being turned on by people who are passed out or sleeping.

Have you ever woken up to the person from the night before lying next to you just staring completely awake? Yep, you have. Nasty motherfucking people. UGH. I would be pissed to wake up with a facial I didn’t ask for…how annoying!

SICK MOTHER FUCKERS. I can’t judge. I am not a goddamn peach myself. I sat here for days and days digging through the greatest fetishes ever, totally entertained. I honestly can see how some of them can turn from funny, to interesting, to borderline tempting. I may be a sick fuck, but at least I don’t find it sexy to screw dead people…Necrophilia I think is grounds for a goddamn padded room. If you want to have sex like that…just bang a bitch under 21 who can’t parallel park downtown on a Saturday night. I am SURE it is pretty damn close.

What has this fucking world come to? I MEAN REALLY….there’s this one fucked up fetish called Coprolalia, where fucking people get fucking turned on by using fucking profane fucking language! FUCK! Those motherfuckers might be my soul mate.

And you thought the swearing in my blog was all for you…mmmmmmm. Go find your own fetish.



Video Camera………Better luck next time.