Friday, December 17, 2010

Don't underestimate the power of mistletoe...

I can’t fucking stand the holidays. People pretending to be happy in relationships and a marriage just to “get through” the holidays, overbearing mom jeans wearing bell earrings rushing through the grocery stores, and those fucking horrible jewelry commercials that make me want to literally scratch my eyeballs out and have somebody take a shit in my sockets.

The holidays do not make anybody feel warm and fuzzy. Don’t bitches know that those jewelry commercials are directed to men with mistresses? What real man goes and buys something that nice for the woman who bitches all the time and doesn’t suck his cock? Then you have a woman who buys a workbench or some fucking stupid sweater, when all he wanted was the new Gran Turismo to escape her bitch ass.

The holidays are full of disappointment! You are forced to see the family you hate, and end up broke and ten pounds heavier when the first of the year comes around. Who really wants to spend days hearing about why you aren’t married with kids or why you aren’t more successful after all the money your parents spent on college? Who really wants to be forced to be “with” somebody just because they don’t want to be alone during the holidays?

FUCK THAT SHIT. I am having a holiday intervention with you mother fuckers who are guilty as charged.

This holiday season I want you to get fucked up. Fuck as many people at holiday parties you aren’t related to, spend your gift money on drugs, and if you have to spend time with your family…bring a fucking flask!

Here are a few tips to get you into the fucking spirit:

- Instead of spending time and energy on that white elephant gift, share an eight ball with much more white can that be?

- Keep mistletoe on you at all times. Who can resist?

- Drink during the day. Every morning in your coffee put a shot of something to keep you warm on your drive to work…it makes traffic less stressful.

- After a family dinner, take your cousins from out of town to a goddamn strip club and show them what pussy and Portland is really about.

- Don’t bring a date to any party you go to…you never know who you might want shag in the coat closet..

- Go and enjoy every holiday specialty cocktail in town. I highly recommend going to Huber’s and then taking a taxi home…you will need it.

- Give the gift of alcoholism. Everybody likes booze for Christmas.

- When the New Year rolls in…kiss as many people as possible in the room. Attached or not…everybody is allowed a free-for-all kiss when the clock strikes midnight.

Have a fucking safe and drunk holiday season! As a present to me, I would appreciate at least one good porking to end 2010 on a high note…and then don’t take their number when you leave.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Some men are about as smooth as a razor blade...

Within the past few years I have come to the conclusion that most men these days have completely lost their balls. What happened to a guy trying to get laid by flirting with you in person instead of sending text messages? Fuck your text messages you cock sucker! I am not sending you a “pic” so you can jerk off to it. I will fuck your face if you can actually be man enough to say you want to see me in person.

My definition of a real man is one that works hard. Works hard in his job, works hard on his social life, and most of all…works hard on getting fucked. A man shouldn’t get paid at his job for sitting around sticking his thumb up his ass should he? Then why is it socially acceptable for a grown ass man to just assume a bitch is going to fuck him without even asking to see her?

Do some men really think any acceptable female will swoon when he asks HER to buy HIM a drink? Are you fucking serious? You think I am going to literally suck your nuts because I bought YOU a drink? Yes, this has honestly happened to me. I had a dude text me and ask when am I going to ask HIM out and when am I going to buy HIM a drink? Needless to say, he hasn’t seen my tits.

Let me be isn’t the purchasing of a drink that is the problem. I have bought many rounds of beers for tables full of hot guys, I have always offered to go dutch at all my dates, I have bought drinks for girls with great tits, and I have also exchanged whiskey for oral sex. Most women these days can buy their own fucking shit. We want to be treated like a lady and not a fucking whore. Women want to be treated like a whore while you are fucking her, not while you are trying to fuck her.

If you want to get laid, you have to do the legwork you fucking pussy.

1. Talk to us or call us…don’t fucking send text messages like Brett Favre.
2. Getting us face to face is half the battle. Make sure you nail down a time and a place. Be the one to ask to see her…If you want to fuck us, you need to ask us.
3. Be persistent. Persistency pays off with a hot sex, or anal if you are lucky.
4. Be a gentleman even if you are a fucking douche bag deep down inside. Offer to buy a drink, open the door, or light her goddamn cigarette…a little goes a long way.
5. Don’t play games. Most women I know like unattached sex. If all you want is to fuck, say so! Women appreciate honesty, it turns us on.

Recap: Don’t ever fucking ask a chick when she is going to take your fucking sorry ass out. Not only will you never get pussy, but you will get a bad reputation real fast…woman talk. Trust me. Ask her out, then split the bill. Don’t be a fucking child.

Now I am going to go buy myself a drink and maybe the woman sitting next to me. I can only assume I will get lucky.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

There is nothing more pathetic than an office slut...

Are you the office slut?

Let me clarify.

In the good old days, you could fuck your boss or your secretary, go home and lead a totally separate life. That's the way its meant to be. You could also smoke at your desk and have a bottle of whiskey open all day long. In the good old days bitches didn’t go cry in the bathroom because their hot office fuck didn’t give them the time of day during a meeting, and they sure as fuck didn’t hang around in the mother fuckers cubical all day giggling and twirling their hair like a fucking high school cheerleader.

An office slut is like a public water fountain… Walk up, push the right button and she’ll quench your thirst. But its all wrong. Nobody actually wants to admit they use a public water fountain.

There is nothing sexier than getting fingerbanged in the copy room or getting a blowjob under your desk. Who doesn’t love a good parking up against the vending machine or maybe a quick lip lock in the elevator? If you are really good…like myself, you can get a hot quickie done in 8 floors on the elevator. No panty Thursday is your friend!

Most office sluts are not only obnoxious and pathetic, but they have no idea what people actually think of them. These bitches runs their mouth about their office fuck and use it to gain attention, mind fuck others, and use it as an excuse to roll up in a ball on the floor crying asking “Why me?" did it to yourself you dumb cunt.

Do yourself a favor and SHUT YOUR SLUT MOUTH!

An office gangbang is supposed to be kept private, which is what makes it so goddamn fun! Nobody is trying to get a relationship out of the deal, or worse...get married!

Yes, I know multiple stupid bitches that do seriously date within the office, like its fucking high school or something. One time…you learn, second time…you are stupid, the third time you date a guy from work, you are an office slut. Are you that fucking desperete that you can’t find guys to date outside of work? Just because a guy at work fucks you, doesn’t mean you are meeting his family or moving in with him!

The Ramblin Broad Constitution clearly establishes the separation between Work and Date.

Don’t get me wrong…there are smart women out there in the professional world who can get their job done, fuck a few people in the office, and go home and not think twice about it. Men on the other hand have this built within…there isn’t many men begging an office fuck to meet his friends or let alone move in with him. If there is a guy you know doing this, stop fucking him immediately, he is most likely trying to get fired or get out of his marriage.

An office slut, a.k.a. the train wreck, a hot mess you can’t help watch crash and burn, is such great entertainment and an awesome source of gossip. The most dramatic, ball baby bitches tend to end up an office slut and then fuck up by let their lips flap. And not just the meat curtains…

My advice…fuck whoever you want at work but keep your goddamn trap shut! If you continue to date within the workplace and tell everybody about it, you need to fucking get on a stripper pole and get over your goddamn daddy issues already. If you don't, nobody will ever take you seriously again.

Now keep those office flings hot and your panties wet.

I am going to get back to work. It is after all...No Panty Thursday. What drawer did I put that whiskey in?

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I sure wish PDA stood for Pussy Dick and Ass.

There is nothing more disgusting to me than any sort of public displays of affection.

When I am trying to get my drink on and turn around at the bar to a slimy guido putting
his hand up his bump-it girlfriends skirt…I want to fucking puke. When I see two fucking hipsters walking down the street holding hands and stopping to swap spit…I want to move to another city. When I am victim to two fucking middle aged fat people in MY sports bar playing grab ass in front of the big screen, I want to take them down like a line backer.

Look…we have all been there. I have been the girl who has sucked face in a booth at BOG then proceeded to get finger banged at the rack of Union Jacks all in one night. It was no panties Thursday for Christ sake…at least I was fucking shit canned to the point I pissed myself...and that's not even a good enough excuse!

Even though sometimes the sauce can get the better of you…just remember that it isn’t okay for you to suck face in public! Dear GOD...I can't believe fuckers do it sober! Any person I have ever dated, or fucked, has known that I do not want you to put your fucking paws all over me,let alone hold my fucking hand. God…that might make it look like I am committed or something!

I don’t give a shit if you just got hitched, just broke up, it's your once a month "Mom Jeans Night Out", or worse need attention because of your fucking daddy issues...get a GODDAMN room already, or at least, take it to the bathroom stall like I do. There are sexy ways to show you want to bone somebody and it doesn’t have to be done in front of multiple innocent victims who are forced to see your slimy stiff tongue reaching down some randos throat.

Coffee shops, restaurants, bars, or even walking down the street…keep your fucking mouth and dry humping to yourself. Nobody thinks it’s cute, or romantic. I don’t give a fuck if you think you are in love…most likely one of the two is fucking somebody else anyway and is currently infecting you with some sort of STD they just picked up.

If I wanted to watch two people get it on, I would rather watch porn or go to the swingers club. At least I can see some bitch’s asshole and a dude with real hair on his chest.

I mean riddle me this... Which would you rather watch?

a. Two people sucking face.

b. Two people fucking.

c. Three or more people fucking.

Hit me in the bathroom stall... I mean in the comment area and quit with your fucking PDA’s already…Its turning me into an alcoholic.

Friday, October 22, 2010

The scariest thing on Halloween is not getting laid.

Halloween is the time of year to be a huge whore. It is a time to bend over a trick and snort some treats. Who ever said this holiday was for children?

I must be getting old, because the last fucking thing I want to do is hang out with a bunch of mom-jeans with their one wild night out, straight guys pretending not to be homosexuals, and fucking stupid couple costumes! I hate the thought of fighting the crowds and waiting in line for a weak ass drink and fussing with my jugs all night. The one thing that makes all of this bearable is the whorefest that Halloween has become.

Not only is this the best night for an ugly dude to wear a mask and actually score, but the tits and asses are out and about like high school girls at a frat party. I just love me some naughty nurses, tasty devils, and please give me a good old fashion cheerleader. Chicks are so fucking easy on Halloween, no matter who they really are, they are marinated and ready for some role-playing. It is the one time of year every dumb ass bitch is ready to get porked by whatever dude gives attention to the slutty Rainbow Brite costume. If Rainbow Brite really looked like that and had those fucking thigh highs, my father would have never made me change the channel to good old Matlock.

Smart men, and not the kind that slip a mick, should be going to every douchy bar they can make it to before getting cut off. Bitches love to get wild with their glittery eyelashes and stripper shoes…its like somehow they aren’t really the same person behind the mask. Speaking of masks, you can even tap a butter face for that matter! It’s not like you can see what she really looks like, just make sure you send her in a cab before the paint wares off (it will be the best $15 you have ever spent).

Ladies, this is the time to really take advantage of spreading your legs and meeting Mr. Right Now, and then doing the walk of shame in your French maid costume. It is not however the time to fucking find Mr. Please Get Me Preggers because I am 31 and dying for a baby! Go out and have fun, let your hair down, throw on some thigh highs, and pack your own jimmies! When you are in your fifties going through the change, you will look back and wish you took advantage of your not so saggy tits and moist vagina.

I challenge each and every one of you to go out there and make this the hottest, wettest, stickiest Halloween ever! I recommend a male costume of a ping-pong player, that way you can tap a bitch’s bottom ever so lightly and get away with it. I also recommended for a lady costume Roller Girl. Something about the pigtails, skates, tube socks, and a lollipop makes every man believe he’s Dirk Diggler.

I for one will be roller-skating around Portland buying hot cheerleaders Irish car bombs and sampling lollipops.

Friday, September 17, 2010

The leads are weak!? You’re weak.

Every man and woman should be getting fucked on a regular basis, regardless of your relationship status. If your significant other isn’t getting it done, or you have gone days in your single life without ...your little black book should be activated.

I am consistently shocked when my friends, especially women, complain about not getting laid. What the fuck is the problem? Haven’t you heard of a goddamn backup? Contingency plan? Plan B? Haven’t you been to a Karaoke bar or bowling recently? Who lets themselves go without? I would be a hot fucking mess if I didn’t have some rough sex and a stiff drink on a consistent basis.

Stop deleting phone numbers, even if the that fucking dumb cunt stopped calling you, or that douche bag fucked your friend instead…who knows when you will need a little pick me up? My phone and email contacts are filled more with booty calls than family, friends, and work…why isn’t yours?

I say each person should have at the VERY least a top ten dial-to-fuck. Number one being the most convenient and least committal. Number ten being a good shag, but only in desperate measures. Fuck, I have not only my top ten dial-to-fuck, but I also have dial-to-fucks in other cities and other countries, and just to be safe my AAA team. Literally, AAA team…cause they each know how to swing their goddamn stick.

There is no excuse for wining and crying about not having a porkfest. You should be able to pick up your fucking phone on a cold lonely night and have fun, commitment free, hot sweaty anal sex. If you are masturbating quite too often to porn or even more desperate True Blood…you need to take a long look at your contact list and start fucking dialing for nookie.

I know some of you may be pretty pathetic and haven’t been filling your little black book since grade school like I have, so here is a few tips to help.

- Prospecting isn’t just for sales people. Each time you are out getting a coffee, going for a quick run, shopping at the grocery store, or fucking getting your oil changed…make an attempt to get a goddamn email, facebook friend request, business card, or if you are a pimp…a cell phone number! Nobody says you need to have a fucking relationship…most of the time people want a drink and a roll in the hay.

- Start hitting up older friends, friendly exes, coworkers, acquaintance, your acquaintance exes, and if your really desperate social networking buddies. Just send friendly messages letting them know you are thinking about them…and keep their information! You never know when a few friendly messages could turn into a drink or fuck invite.

- Become overly friendly. Start building that cold call list of yours by randomly talking to that hot bitch waiting to pay her tab at the bar, or that hunky stud waiting for the bathroom. Random people in random places are more open to chat than in their social circle. Being bold and friendly gets you a free pass to fuck or get fucked in the face.

As soon as you start building a better prospecting list, start testing them out when you get home from the bar. Everybody knows when they are getting booty called; the ones that respond are keepers!

Stop deleting numbers, and keep a top ten dial-to-fuck list in your phone, on your desktop, or posted on your fucking bathroom mirror. There is no excuse for this behavior…sex is meant to be fun…not dramatic and about commitment. Barf.

I think I will rummage through the ole black book tonight and give a few out. Friends do share ya know.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Hangin' out the passenger side of his best friend's ride…

Not only have men these days become giant vaginas and can’t even give their own car an oil change, but also in today’s economy they can’t even afford fucking car insurance.

Would you date a guy without a job…or worse without any money?

To be fair, it is tough to find a job right now, and even guys with huge swinging cocks are getting laid off. Do those guys really expect to get a date or laid for that matter?

I am such a drunk, that sometimes I don’t even care what the fuck a dude does for a living, as long as he can afford to buy me a stiff drink. Dating is all about entertainment, drinks, food, and sex…and you can’t get any of those for free. It still amazes me when a grown ass man thinks he can fuck a bitch without even taking her for cheap happy hour! Where have all the real men gone? Is Donald Draper the only one left?

Most of the chicks I know have their own jobs, make their own goddamn money…but still expect a man to treat her like a lady. Broke ass motherfuckers need not apply! If you don’t have cash to pay for at least part of the bill, don’t expect to fucking get laid. Even if you have good looks and charm, women aren’t stupid and can spot a scrub a mile away. It seems like there are more lazy dudes out there riding in their friends Mercedes, pretending to have something they don’t. We know you take public transportation you douche, and no…we won’t give you a ride home after our date!

Even men need to start having financial dating standards. Who wants to take a broke bitch out who can’t even pay for tampons? What…you can’t take your clothes off to make ends meet? At least a fucking stripper or a whore has more class than that dumb bitch. I would rather have my bills paid and suck a dick for money than wonder around like a hopeless cunt. Women like this are STILL getting “accidentally” knocked up so they don’t have to work. Pussy is not that magical for you to not wear a condom or believe she really takes the pill.

I am not a woman who has ever really been about dating men with money, but as I get older, I realize it is a very good quality. I BEG TO ALL OF YOU…Please stop enabling these dumb ass people! If a dude can’t buy you a drink, do you think he deserves a blowjob? If a dumb bitch doesn’t have a job and has three hungry kids at home, do you really think she just wants to have sex and no relationship? Wake the fuck up! Dating is about having a good time and not being talked into paying someone’s cable bill.

Ladies! That being said, if you have a rare moment when a guy buys you a steak dinner and you don’t give him road head…I will personally find you and throw human feces on your dirty slut face. Just like you deserve.

Now…who is taking me for a whiskey tonight? I am feeling a little mouthy if you know what I mean.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Crazy Bitch or Psycho Hose Beast?

Some of us women have had our fair share of horrible break ups, terrible fights, and a crush you can never make your own. We have also had “the one that got away”, and have also been “the crazy one” in an heated moment from time to time.

I was so upset after a break up in high school I swore I would never recover. I used to scream down the hallways at his new girlfriend and made both their lives a living hell. Soon I realized what a fucking loser that guys is, and that acting like that WAS SO high school and should STAY in high school.

A lot of women I know are nuts, but in a good way. They fuck like wild animals, have awesome drunken stories, fingerbang strippers, and they get in heated football arguments against very large men. ‘Good Crazy’ is being upset after a break up and forgetting about it by screwing a basketball team or having a bonfire with a few old pictures and a bottle of whiskey. These women only sometimes make you concerned about your safety, but you still want to fuck them upside down.

Nothing tops a real psycho bitch.

This bitch makes multiple calls to her boyfriend or ex-boyfriend when he is out with his friends and is listening for any sign of a woman in the background. This bitch also cries each and every time he goes to a strip club and gets upset when he sits next to another woman in a cube at work.

This crazy cunt will also take things to the next level by slowly driving by her boyfriends or ex-boyfriends house to see if there is another car in the driveway, calls the cops and claims false physical abuse, or slashes tires and spray paints a mother fuckers car.

What the fuck is wrong with this picture? If you act like this…you need to go to fucking therapy to control your goddamn daddy issues!

Here are some other signs you are a ‘Psycho Hose Beast'…

1. If you are DAILY searching a mother fuckers facebook to see who they are tagged in pictures with and read all of their friends walls to see what he is up to.

2. If you are driving by your old boyfriends house, work, favorite bars, and each of his friend’s house to see a glimpse of him or whom he may be with.

3. If you are still telling people you are in a relationship with a dude that already broke up with you and has moved on (you are what I like to call “A Stacey”), why don’t you just buy him a fucking gun rack already!

4. If you are so obsessed with what your ex is doing years later and you can’t stop stalking him or haven’t slept with somebody else in order to move on, you are pretty pathetic.

I beg to all guys out there, dump that bitch fast if she is showing signs of ‘Psycho Crazy’ and not ‘Good Crazy’. Unfortunately for most dudes, you are too fucking stupid to tell until you are in jail for something you didn’t do.

I beg to all girlfriends of a bitch like this….friends don’t let friends become Tonya Harding! She might end up fucking your dad and then throwing a hubcap at you! Tell your friend she is being seriously crazy…it can only make her life better.

I beg to the goddamn Psycho Crazy Hose Beast’s out there, move the fuck on already! Start fucking somebody else, get some fucking confidence, or become that stripper you always wanted to be. It is not okay to be like this forever. Sometimes shit makes us crazy, but you need to admit your problems and move the fuck forward!

Fuck…this makes me want to get drunk and yell at somebody.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Watermelon cools you off on a hot sticky summer night...

There is nothing better than making a hot day even hotter. What good is summer without a little roll in the hay…literally?

Summer isn’t over yet, and there is still time to make up for the lack of sex you have had. Don’t make me name names, but if you are doing nothing but giving a hand job in a tent this summer, you either need to be slipped an Ambien, or wake the fuck up! Summer is for sex, sex, and more sex. Why do you think over half of marriages and relationships end before summer? People want to play and not be locked into a goddamn commitment.

Living in Portland there are so many options for getting good and fucked in the open air. Here is my suggested list of hot dates that could lead to good oral stimulation in the grass.

Taste what I have in my mouth!
A little wine tasting or beer tasting is always a fun way to get outside, get drunk, and get a little action in the valley. Hiding in the vines is sexy and you can put grapes in places you never have before.

If the monkeys can do it, why can’t I?

Nothing says sex like the Zoo. What would a date be without than watching animals jerk off and wipe their cum on leaves? Go find an area outside of the lion den to get busy, and make sure to go later when mom jeans and the fucking kid factory has left.

I know I am Goth, but what are you?
There is nothing more sick and twisted than getting the shocker in a dingy quiet cemetery as you lean over grandpa Big Johnson’s grave stone. I’ve got stories Stephen King would masturbate to.

Skinny-dipping isn’t just for country kids!
Take a moment and hit the Sandy River. There are plenty of areas around the beaches where you can strip it off and be one with nature. I say you haven’t been fucked hard until it has been in the middle of the rapids on a hot rock!

It is time to be a tree hugger.
Those fucking hippies don’t have to be the only ones fucking a tree. While camping, hiking, or even in your front yard, take a moment to wrap your arms or your legs around a tree while getting your taint licked. That is what I call organic!

Doggy style with a view.

Who doesn’t love a good view, especially when you are being railed from behind. Take a moment to check out Pittock Mansion. If you are with the right girl you might even get a tour of the inside of the Buttock, I mean, the Pittock.

Finally having God present when you scream his name.
Nothing is more fucked up than a little public sex at the peaceful oasis in the midst of the city, the Grotto. You know that place you went for your Baccalaureate? Take a time to revisit and prove what a good person you have become.

Take my fucking advice already! Not only should Portlanders be taking advantage of the great weather right now, but they should be also taking advantage of a little 69 while picnicking. I am serious. I would like to walk through the Rose Gardens and come around a bush and find someone picnicking on a bush. I want it to be you…perhaps with watermelon dripping down your crack.

Your summer needs to be fun, dumb and full of cum. Even if you aren’t on the flesh market make your partner(s) dine at your deli in the bathroom of your local deli! Or do it in the butte…Rocky Butte. should always be publicly intoxicated in addition to being publicly indecent.

Bring a bottle or two and make it memorable!

Monday, July 12, 2010

Don’t waste your spank bank on a goddamn Gorilla!

Everyone has a sick fuck; we have gone over that. But what about your fantasy fuck?

I have had a large handful of fantasy fucks. I would daydream and masturbate all day just imagining what it would be like to pork my fantasy fucks. I would get so wound up sometimes I would make my fantasy fuck, a reality fuck. Take some advice from one seriously determined slut, keep your fantasies…Fantasies!

Just like a sex dream, the sex is never as awesome as you imagined it. Just like a lead singer in a band, they are never as good as they are on stage.

I met this guy in Vegas, and I was SUPER stoked over his knowledge of metal, and of course, he was in a metal band. Tasty, tasty, tasty. His Slayer t-shirt and black fingernails made me want to rip my dress right off!

I soon found out this hot piece of meat lived in Portland! I was so thrilled, I was trying everything to get him to pull my hair in the middle of a goddamn casino. Those fucking blue hairs could suck my dick as far as I was concerned!

A few conversations later, I found out my metal dreamboat had a goddamn girlfriend! Not fair! I then took every opportunity to make this band mate (out of the 600 I have dated) mine.

One happy Saturday, months of masturbating later, I got a text message from this fantasy fuck. Not only was he sexting me all the sudden, but he was asking me on a date to a metal show. I obviously told him I was busy, and 5 hours later accepted, while I warmed myself up for my date that evening.

After a hot night of long hair, sweat, and bloody knuckles I was marinated and ready to go. I almost jumped out of my Vans high tops when he asked if I wanted a nightcap at his place. DEAR GOD!

I followed Mr. Metal Head while he drove his hot big lifted truck to a sexy house he owned. I found myself already moaning as I made my way down his driveway.

What seemed like fucking six hours was about 20 minutes of a drink and a walk around his property. I was ready to fuck that shit like a goddamn potbelly pig in heat, and I couldn’t wait to have him spanking my ass raw!

Watch what you wish for.

Two minutes and gorilla fighting squeals out of his mouth later, I needed a fucking rape shower. Not only was this the shortest and worst sex of my life, I literally thought I needed to pick up a flea treatment on the way home. Obviously, I immediately made up some story as I ran out of his house in tears.

My fantasy fuck was a goddamn gorilla with bad pecks. How could I be so naïve and stupid? For a smart slut, I had seriously missed the pin on this one.

This was the LAST time I forced a fantasy fuck into my pants. I have a consistent group of fantasy fucks I like to keep in my pocket for a rainy day, but I know I will always be disappointed. It is better to fuck what makes you physically hot, whether that be in a relationship, affair, multiple gangbangs, whatever makes one happy.

Think of all the porn and sex scenes we have all watched…you don’t think that has anything to do with the fantasies we create in our heads? I know for a fact that mine involves a snow shovel and rubber gloves, and that is pretty unrealistic...unfortunately.

What we dream up in our little noggins isn’t what will happen. In only one occasion have I been blown away and impressed with what a fantasy fuck has had to offer me. But yes, he was a rock star, and is still a fantasy fuck.

Take my advice, keep your fantasy fuck a fantasy, or you will be out of spank bank before you know it!

This blog calls for some online porn and a shot of whiskey.

Friday, June 18, 2010

You can get cherries all year long. It is time for them to be picked!

I can’t stand a woman who holds on to her vagina like it is a sacred piece of artwork. I can’t stand a guy who wants to be in a serious relationship before he gets his taint licked. You don’t have to go on twelve dates before you give it up, just fuck them already!

Like I always say, it isn’t 1952 for Christ’s sake. Man up already and take control of your sexuality. Fucking on the first date isn’t a crime. What is the worst that is going to happen? You find out they have a small penis and leave? You find out she smells like a foul tampon? Great! Then you don’t need to do it again, get the fuck out and go meet somebody else.

Sex, next to respect and trust, is the most important thing in any relationship. If you wait too fucking long to find out your date is a fucking snore in the sack…you are setting yourself up for failure. Chemistry is important, but if she has some nasty meat curtains…that chemistry goes right down the tube.

I fuck on the first date if I want to and there is nothing wrong with it. A lot of people believe that if you want to be in a relationship, be respected, or get a second date, you shouldn’t have sex on the first date. That is horseshit. If you are lousy in bed or give a hand job instead of a blowjob, you are not going to get a second date anyway.

I think people who are going on dates in search of getting fucking married or to get in a serious relationship are psycho. People can smell desperation all over your vagina when you go on a date with a wedding or pregnancy on your mind. Everybody should be going on dates in order to get laid. If you focus on that, you will more than likely get laid, and get a second date.

When is the right date to have sex? What does somebody need to do in order to earn your fucking love juice? If you don’t have that hot chemistry on the first date, you never will. Do you need to meet your newfound love’s parents before you get porked? If he is paying for dinner, which these days is a shocker, you should let him give you the shocker.

A lot of my friends say they don’t want to be looked at as a slut by fucking on the first date, and I say, it isn’t 1952. If a chick waits more than three dates to have sex or at least blow you, I think she is a waste of your fucking time, and is looking for an engagement ring. Run! If a guy waits more than one date for sex, he is either a bible beater or has a seriously small cock. Don't give him a second date if he doesn't try!

My point is that dating shouldn’t be so serious. Dating should be fun, carefree, and about what is really important…rubbing warm wet body parts together. Nobody will ask you on a date because they they think you would be a good parent someday, it's because they sexually attracted to you. A good date should be full of sexual tension, good vodka, laughter, and a good roll in the hay. If you are good at what you do, then you will get a second date. If you are a fucking dud…that is why you don’t get a second date, not because you had sex with them.

Every day is full of selling yourself and getting yourself off. You sell yourself at work so you don’t get fired in this fucked up economy. You sell yourself when you want a little extra cheese on your pizza. You sell yourself when you want to get somebody’s phone number. Sell yourself when you are on a date, and have fun. Don’t put restrictions on a relationship you don’t even have yet. When you start making rules before you have even seen who is on the menu, you are a fucking dud and you deserve to be lonely and unsatisfied.

Ease up on the reigns and even let the horse tie you up with them. Just maybe, if you’re lucky, your date will have three friends come out of the closet and they all will have their way with you.

So get out there and focus on getting laid. If do want a relationship, it will come when you least expect it. When you are looking for something to happen that is when it never comes. Regret feels like shit, especially when you are stuck with a lousy lay.

I am going out tonight to emotionally abusive anybody who hasn't been laid within the last few months. Be very scared if that is you...I WILL find you!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

The Clock Strikes Two…You Want To Fuck Who?

Remember the time you fucked that fat chick? Or when you sat on your stinky short professor’s face? How about the time you masturbated while watching the WWE? I know I can’t be the only one who has done all three!

I always like to ask people, “Who is your sick fuck?” Everybody has either a story, or is crushin’ on that piece of shit none of their friends would dare to even hang out with.

Who is that one person you would lay it down for, if nobody would ever find out?

I’ve found it quite fascinating to hear all sorts of sick fucks. A sick fuck can be one of a few people. It can be somebody that you casually have sex with from time to time but would never dare include in your social circle, a disgusting crush that you have and wonder why, and last but not least…your fantasy sick fuck, that completely nasty celebrity that most people would cringe to think about sexually.

Yes, I have had my fair share of sick fucks.

The person I would NEVER admit to fucking was most likely because he was completely the opposite of me. In college, I was quite a wild child, as you can imagine. I wore every heavy metal t-shirt and slutty mini I could find at a thrift store, cared more about drugs and alcohol than a real education, and yet somehow got decent grades and graduated. I didn’t take college very seriously, only having sex. I had a thing for a popped collared, political junkie, faux hawk wearing preppie. Don’t judge.

It was almost like a challenge to get him to stare at my boobs once a day. After several emotionally abusive attacks toward him and a hot classroom later, I found myself at a lousy frat party wanting his spray tan to stain me. I was so obsessed; I had to make this sick fuck come true. That’s right, a few keg stands and a special red cup later, I was all his. This is an example of how I became “always a closer” later in life.

I think each person should have this type of opportunity at least once in life, no matter how old you are. You never really know if your sick fuck will actually be the person you have always looked for. Maybe Mr. Faux Hawk could have swept me off my feet? They do say opposites attract.

Ahhh the fantasy sick fuck. This is my favorite part, and where a lot of porn comes from. People want to stay clear of certain types of characters, but just can’t help masturbating to them.

For example, one of my closest friends claims her fantasy sick fuck is George Bush, my other friend, I swear, is secretly obsessed with Yanni. Yanni? How can anybody get off on a man that wears more sparkles than a grandmother in Reno? This makes me want to choke to death on my own vomit. That is one mustache I would not ride!

My fantasy sick fuck began as a tween. Luckily for me, my parents let me watch whatever I wanted on TV, and why wouldn't a little blonde girl want to watch some twisted nasty comedy? MY fantasy sick fuck shockingly is Andrew Dice Clay. I have never wanted to be Little Miss Muffet so bad.

I think people shouldn’t repress their sick fucks, but embrace them. There is something about that person that drives you wild, and it could be that it is different and rebellious. Don’t be shy. Try your sick fuck on for size. You just might be surprised that the shoe actually fits.

As I am sure you have read, I encourage everybody to expand their horizons and their portfolio. Sometimes you just might find that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and if not…well, least you can store it in your spank bank.

I think I am going to go put on my leather jacket, smoke a cigarette, bust out the bullet, and listen to some good old fashion nursery rhymes.

I want a sick fuck confession list. Come on…inspire me!

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Did I say Fleet Week? I mean SKEET Week.

The first time I fucked a sailor during the Rose Festival, I had NO idea how fucking sick fleet week was. The first ship to come in and get gay men and Portland women wet was in 1907. Over 100 years ago bitches were getting together, putting on those hot garter belts and stockings, getting liquored up, and then getting pregnant. Nothing has changed, except now we have the Lovejoy clinic one century later. 

AHhhhh...nothing says STD like a rough and tough young sailor who doesn’t know where to put his cock. It is almost like your high school prom ALL over again! I just can't help but want to suck some sailor's face off. Tasty tall muscle men that aren’t from the skinny jean capital of the world…SIGN ME UP! It is like going on vacation and fucking the whole hotel and then coming home guilt free. That is fleet week. 

Why are women obsessed with a man in a uniform?

I have a friend who is a serial pig dater. I swear she is begging to get fucking pulled over so she can pull him out. I wouldn’t put it past her to take a goddamn sledgehammer to her breaks lights before she drives around downtown on a late night. That dirty whore gets wet even when we go out to breakfast and she gets a whiff of Miss Crispy bacon on the side sitting across the table from her.  

We just can’t help it. A man in a uniform is much better than the alternative, a man with a shitty job and a popped collar.  

Fleet week is like a dream come true. They actually run extra max and bus times just to support the dirty whores in Gresham and Hillsboro. It doesn’t matter what bar, restaurant, or shop you go to downtown during this week, you are always in for a muscle man treat. 

I find myself mindlessly shopping for panties, and I shit you not, I end up pantieless in a fucking photo booth outside the Ferris wheel. I used to think a mature woman would be past all this fleet week shit, but then I realized you can fuck them and never see them again. Nothing says maturity more than getting what you need and making yourself happy…in between your legs. Just call him Mr. Sailor, or chief boot knocka if he is higher ranked.

Finally Sir Mix-a-Lot pays off in my blog. 

No matter how old a bitch is when June rolls around, she should be dumb, young, and full of seaman cum. 

How can any woman, young or old, get more than her fair share of a sub sandwich? 

Wear a wedding ring! No matter if you are married or not, a sailor wants a dirty whore WITH commitments. You know that motherfucker doesn’t want to know your real name and have you facebook stalk him. He wants to just put it in your ass. Let’s be realistic, nobody is getting engaged at the Meet The Fleet Ball. 

Take your panties off.
I know that most women feel sexy and a bit dirty when going without their britches. Take them off and put it in his pocket. I promise, from personal experience, it is a guaranteed to get face fucked move. 

Throw a cougar kegger!
That’s right, military ID’s get in free and all your horny single, or unsingle girlfriends get to have some young fresh meat. Don’t you remember what it looks like when a dude without man boobs does a keg stand? It is like a porno for Christ sake! 

How can a straight man benefit off this holy horniness?
If you can’t beat em, join em.
Don’t be a fucking idiot; there are plenty of sailor costumes in Portland begging to be left on a slutty girl’s floor. That’s right, dress up and pretend to be a fucking sailor. By midnight ho’s will be all over you with no questions asked. Fucking score! 

Buy the MILF a cocktail already! If you are out in downtown Portland during this time, buy a lady a drink. With all the young whores with fake ID’s in the room, a man with some fucking class might walk out of there with a MILF or two? She is going to be so sick of competing with the 20-year-old plastic fuck doll, you won’t even have to tell her your name.

Befriend the American heroes.
Look for the dumb sailors that don't have many friends and offer to buy the heros a drink. Thank them for all they do for your country and before you know it, this little seaman will be attracting more sluts than a brand new Labrador puppy. Girls will find YOU more appealing just for supporting an American soldier. You’d be surprised how many dumb dudes hate and don’t take advantage.
All this talk of white tight pants and shirts bulging at the buttons of a man’s chest instead of his belly makes me so wet.  

If you want to find the Ramblin’ Broad this week, look for me waving good-bye from a ship as it sails away. I promise to still write every week, as long as you ship me whiskey in little scope bottles. 

Thursday, May 27, 2010

If the Cheerio fits, don’t eat it.

The first time I saw a really, really small penis was only a few years ago. Considering my “recreational” activities, I was surprised that this was the first time. I always thought I was a pimp and just somehow collected large cocks, but that came to a screeching halt one hot summer night.

I was so shocked by this new gentleman's small penis I actually screamed and I am sure had a look of horror on my face. He said, “I know I don’t have a porn star penis…” I was like OMG; my clit is bigger than your penis. What the fuck. Shockingly I ran out of the dark room in complete fucking horror and never looked back.

Poor guy? I don’t fucking think so.

I DO NOT feel sorry for men with very small penises or for bitches with meat curtains. This isn’t the fucking dark ages; there are surgeries to fix these problems…and it is NOT worth living life-frightening people with your genitals.

Size does matter, and I don’t care what you fucking dumb bitches say. You dumb cunts who “love” your small cocked man are fucked up. Only women that have a small cock at home says size doesn't matter. You obviously have insecurity problems and no class what-so-ever for fucking staying with a dude longer than one night who is packing a goddamn pencil eraser. Those men should be shunned from society and put on a deserted island or sent to the Middle East. Nobody wants to see that shit, and furthermore, nobody wants to try and feel that shit. Size does matter, and does make a fucking difference.

However, you can have a big dick and not know what to do with it. If this is the case, first congrats, and secondly, why don’t you watch some porn already and get crackin on that ass? Men who don’t know what to do with their cocks obviously haven’t been laid enough. If you think it is sweet to wait until you really care about somebody to have sex, you aren’t a real man, and most likely a hermaphrodite.

Why do bitches call their men out?

Yeah…you know who you are, the fucking cunt that says her ex-boyfriend had a small penis EVERY time she is in a break up. You are a dumb cunt.

You obviously don’t realize that telling everybody your ex had a small cock or didn’t know how to fuck is really hurting you more than him. You were the bitch that stuck around and let him pork you, didn’t you? HELLO? Obviously YOU were the problem and not him. If you are one of those fucking bitches, I can tell you right now that he is one lucky guy to get rid of your stupid swamp ass.

If you have a small cock, hide. Hide from society and never come back unless you get surgery or a successful penis pump. There is no excuse for a man having a penis smaller than my thumb. That is a deformity and your mother should be smacked in the fucking mouth for not getting it fixed sooner. You need to sac up, save some money and get that shit fixed. Otherwise you are going to end up dating fucking Daddy Issues, and Goddamn Crazy Cunt’s for the rest of your life. Have fun with that.

If you have a fucking saggy labia or clit - Christ. First off, you are a whore…and congratulations. I think every woman who has a ton of sex just for the fun of it is my goddamn hero. There is nothing I can’t stand more than a dumb bitch who fucking has to be in love to have sex. GOD…that is how you end up with a fucking boyfriend with an STD, or how you will become a goddamn beard.

Clip that shit already! Reconstructive surgery is very quick, easy, and affordable these days. It is much worse to get your wisdom teeth pulled than your labia clipped back. Just take care of business already, if strippers can afford it…so can you!

Can you tell I hate a small cock?

I need a drink.

and a friend who is a hermaphrodite, wouldn't that make for good material?

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Never look a horse cock in the mouth.

I was fifteen and totally HOT for this older guy who went to a different high school. He played football which immediately made me wet, and he already had a five o’clock shadow. He was a senior and I was a freshman, I wanted SO bad to give him my adolescents on a platter. I would daydream about him in French class wondering what it would be like to French his fucking tasty mouth. He was like a young hot Jared Allen without the mullet. Even at fifteen I couldn’t help myself, I loved a man who could play football and knew how to use a bow and arrow.

One lucky night at a house party, with heavy drinking involved, he talked to me. My young blue eyes about popped out of my head and I immediately blamed it on my young perky tits, obviously nothing has changed. A few keg stands and a bong hit later I was cornered by my baby Jared Allen. My knees almost gave out when he pressed up against me and brushed his scruff on my face. The moment had arrived for him to finally make fireworks with his tongue.

As he leaned in and swept my blonde hair aside I felt a sharp darting stiff slimy fucker trying to attack my tonsils. A couple sloppy minutes later it was clear I needed get out as soon as possible!

His mouth meat wouldn’t stop DARTING! His slimy tongue was like a fucking chubby minnow fluttering in shallow water. I was so horrified I wanted to cry. WHY? Why was my hunky older dreamboat giving me scary CPR!

“SHIT! It’s past curfew time to go home…” I groaned. This was the ONLY time I faked that I really had a curfew. Lucky for me, I was normally a good kid.

Needless to say, he was after my young tang for the next six months even after I was totally offended by his mouth rape. I think he finally gave up when I let his friend, who did know how to kiss, feel me up right in front of him. Damn I was a cunt, still, nothing has changed.

The moral of the story, kissing sets the stage of how one will fuck.

You know that motherfucker still sucks at kissing. You learn how to kiss in high school and the fact that he was a senior and was a terrible kisser almost guarantees you’re dealing with a one-minute man.

A first kiss with somebody is super crucial. It doesn’t matter how wasted, nervous, or young you are, don’t rush it. If you are a good kisser, or a mediocre kisser who takes your time and catches on to the other person’s style, you WILL get laid. All of this happens literally in seconds, so it is crucial that you not fuck it up.

Most of this discussion is for the dudes since guys will fuck you even if you kiss like a nasty meth head with no teeth, but ladies take note. Guys will fuck you for a while if you kiss like a horse that just took a drink of water from a bucket, but they’ll move on as soon as they find another wet hole to stick their dick in.

I was totally shit canned one time in Florida a few years back and sucked a guys face after he pulled over to barf outside of his ride, and he STILL got laid. Even though he had just puked, he was a great kisser which turned into a damn good lay. I still to this day swear he lied to me about being a gynecologist.

A good kiss can get your name on the list when the first date bouncer checks you at the door. Hand those lips a 100 and suddenly you’re in the VIP getting your cork popped.

Here are a few key tips to a successful first kiss:

- Fucking floss or take care of your carcass breath. Even if you have just eaten, had a shot, whatever…try and take the opportunity to cleanse your palate. If you know you have nasty breathe or bad hygiene, hold off and play hard to get. Gum and mints are mandatory if you are in any type of first kiss situation. That means if you are single (or uncommitted) and somewhere other than work you better be ready. Luck favors the prepared as those Asian types say, so be ready to kiss and then have sex with one.

- Relax. Take a moment, breathe, and let it happen. Don’t go overboard and suck somebody’s face off. Start out slow and move with your partner’s style…like dancing. This is the first dance and if you want to fuck them against the wall you can’t just grab somebody by the hair at the club and drag them home. Start slowly and work your way up. Make them beg goddamn it!

- Use your fucking tongue already. I had a boyfriend that would NEVER use his tongue, and it was such a turn off. If done right, tongue is sexy and guaranteed to get you laid. Just don’t give your partner a cat bath.

- Control your tongue. My baby Jared Allen obviously thought a strong darting tongue was hot, but it was very frightening. A tongue is not a hard cock, be soft, gentle and only lick if completely necessary.

- Control your saliva. This isn’t like when you’re at the dentist and you pray for a moment to swallow, control how much is coming out.

- Pull away and tease. Don’t give your potential lay everything at once, take it slow and tease them with your mouth and tongue.

- Eye contact. Right before you lean in, eye contact is crucial and sexy. There is also NOTHING worse than fucking people who close their eyes the whole time, or fucking staring at you like a creepy psycho. A little eye contact goes a long way!

- Go with the flow, yo. Follow your potential lay’s style if it is working. If they want it a little rough, bite a little and get a gentle hair pull in. If they want it deep and slow, use this time to stick your hands down their pants.

- Body language! Press up against this lucky person and touch, touch, TOUCH! Do what you can to jump in the sack with this person! Human bodies love the feel of other naked human bodies. Kissing is fine and good as long as the goal is getting some fuck pipe or tang out of the deal.

- AND PLEASE!!! Kiss while you fuck! Nobody wants to suck face the whole time you are shagging, but at least take a few moments to kiss during sex, it keeps the juices flowing.

This makes me want to set up a kissing booth at the Rose Festival. I hear whiskey kills mouth herpes on contact…

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Chlamydia is not the Latin name for a flower!

Unlike a flower nobody picks Chlamydia. There are no poems about stopping to smell the Chlamydia. But that doesn't mean you won't get handed a bouquet of Chlamydia at the door on a first date.

Honesty and flattery will get you everywhere, and lying about your inflamed labia will get you nowhere. Who the fuck decided it was ever a good idea to just pretend you don’t have an STD? Fucking selfish mother fucking assholes is who!

Lets be honest, guys aren’t as obsessed with what is going on with their junk, just what they can do with their junk. Just because it burns like hell during urination, doesn't mean he won’t put that fire out with your vag water. Most men are so fucking clueless. And the ones that aren't clueless are fucking assholes. And the ones that are clueless are clueless fucking assholes.

Gentlemen...its time to be gentle and be a man. There is no acceptable excuse for rubbing your diseased cock on another human being. You know if you are guilty of this crime. I hope you feel guilty every time you jerk off, look in the mirror, look in the mirror while jerking off, and then cry while you wear women’s underwear. Tell the bitch. Then wear a rubber. Actually wear two. Thanks.

Women on the other hand are much more in tune with their bodies and seem to have their shit under control. It is those drunken one-night stands or cheating fucking partners that normally fuck it up. Yet there are those lying skanky ho’s out there that enjoy spreading the love...only they are doing it after you pay for a lap dance or when you agree to meet her out behind the greyhound bus station.

As my readers know I very much think that casual sex is a truly important part of any adult’s life. I believe that getting randy as much as possible and a good clump of tapioca balls in your hair is rewarding. BUT…lets all be fucking grown ups here…. to take that shot or to get it straight in the ass without protection, you better be fucking damn sure you have had the “talk”.

The “talk” can happen the first time you meet a dude at Mardi Gras in a bathroom stall, on a first or third date, or right up front before you agree to meet after chatting on eHarmony.

If you are going to have unprotected sex there is much more to worry about then just taking the morning after pill. Yes. This can be a little embarrassing, and maybe ruin the mood, and even the relationship…but it is much better then being Magic Johnson or Paris Hilton.

Have the "talk" goddamn it! Open your fucking mouth and be responsible. Speaking of opening your dirty cock hole mouth…yes you can get an STD from oral sex. Fun stuff isn’t it!

So many people are reckless and act like it would never happen to them, or if it did happen to them…they live in denial and give the gift that keeps on giving. That is why I call this Regifting. This isn’t a white elephant party people. This isn’t that fucking same back massager that continues to show up at the same holiday party every year. Regifting is when you are an irresponsible whore who doesn’t take the time to be an honest humane being.

Be an adult and be responsible. Every person, man and woman, should be getting an annual visit to the doctor and ask for the full screen - even if you are in a committed relationship. You never know when one might step out of the relationship once in awhile, or even live in denial. Always know what is going on with your body, especially if you are a fun girl, (cough: whore!) like me.

According to if you are infected…you aren't alone:

One in five people in the United States has an STD.

Cervical cancer in women is linked to HPV.

Hepatitis B is 100 times more infectious than HIV.

One in five Americans has genital herpes, yet 90 percent of those with herpes are unaware they have it.

At least one in four Americans will contract an STD at some point in their lives.

HPV and Chlamydia are the most common STDs in the United States.

Less than half of adults ages 18 to 44 have ever been tested for an STD other than HIV/AIDS.

At least 15 percent of all infertile American women are infertile because of tubal damage caused by pelvic inflammatory disease (PID), the result of an untreated STD.

Two-thirds of Hepatitis B (HBV) infections are transmitted sexually. HBV is linked to chronic liver disease, including cirrhosis and liver cancer.

Its lax, selfish attitudes toward sexual health that have caused this huge surge in STDs and just because it’s become so common doesn’t mean it isn't a big fucking deal! I don’t know about you, but I would rather save my life than worry about being fucking embarrassed.

This DOSEN’T mean don’t have sex or limit your sex, GOD, you will turn into fucking Kirstie Alley or Andy Dick.

What I am saying is FUCK SAFE and don’t be a fucking asshole. If somebody fucks you over, report him or her to the Department of Health and Humane Services. Fuck them…it is against the law for you NOT to tell your doctor if you know who gave you an STD.

Now that I ripped you a new asshole, with a condom of course, let it heal up for a day or two...and this weekend get fucking laid. Just don’t be fucking dumb. As the Wu-Tang would say, "PROTECT YA NECK!!!"

Well the Broad says... Protect ya neck, throat, mouth, vag, cock, balls, ass, and taint. Cuz ain't nobody gonna protect it for you!

And speaking of throat...I could use a little something in it.

Any suggestions?

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Nuts aren’t a right, they are a privilege.

If I wanted to swap cum with a womanly man, why wouldn’t I just fuck a woman? Women smell nice, have a soft vag and are always great kissers. I love the gay boys; I just have no tolerance for a bitchy man.

If you aren’t trying to fuck her on the first date, you might be a pussy without the hair.

Exfoliate or masturbate? If you have to ask which is more important in the shower, you would qualify for Paris Hiltons My New BFF.

If you work out and spray tan more than you lick box, you might be the next Danny Bonaduce.

What has happened to the nature of a manly man? Have European shoulder bags and too many boy bands changed the newer generation of dudes? The world is expected to evolve for another 1.5 billion years, and at this rate, you won’t know which is a guy or a girl on The Rock of Love. Lord knows fucking Brett Michaels will have found the secret to never ending youth, and STILL be looking for “the one”. The worst of all…Ryan Seacrest will be hosting Galaxy Idol.

A lot of women already have their own male assistant (aka man secretary), and you can’t find a descent guy with facial hair over 6’2”. What most women want is a guy who can put her in her place, spank her ass with some strength, and NOT wear more jewelry than she does.

If you think something you do is a little girly, YES, hide that from us women. Men are supposed to be protectors, stronger than us, and mentally ready to take shit at any given notice. I am have NEVER shot a gun in your life? You don’t know how to throw a punch? What the fuck! I would punch a dude in the fucking forehead just for that shit alone!

These fucking Nancy’s love to go after my ho train. My friends think I am a bully. Well, I guess I am, to weak men. Living in Portland OR is almost as bad as living in fucking So Cal these days. At least in So Cal the guy’s surf and fuck like rabbits! Christ…surfers in OR have to wear a goddamn wetsuit, and are usually packing more of a beer belly than anything else.

I cannot stand a fucking weak dude. I have what I like to call “tuckdar”. That’s right; men who should just stay home and play tuck and hide. I seem to find those mother fuckers wherever I go. Sometimes I worry these guys might actually like my cunty mouth, instead of my blonde hair and big tits. It never ends…the short guy at the bar that tears up every time I make fun of his popped collar. The thirty-year-old metal head that tried to hit me because I made fun of him for still living with his mother and getting an allowance. The slimy fuck in the suit I called out for owning a tanning bed and wearing a v-neck shirt, that’s right…he called me a dyke. I am not a dyke, but I am likely to get more pussy than he does.

A few tips to fucking manning up:

1. Watch the movie Hooper. It might inspire you to grow real man facial hair and drive a muscle car.

2. Own a pair of boots. Strap on some big yummy motorcycle, cowboy, or combat boots. It makes you instantly manlier.

3. Less is more! Women don’t mind men wearing accessories, but just don’t go overboard. Scarves are borderline; you must be good looking or be well put together to wear a scarf for fuck sake!

4. If you don’t like sports…be into something competitive. A lot of women I know LOVE sports, or a little healthy competition. It gets our blood boiling, and I mean the fire down below.

5. Drive a fucking car already! There is nothing more pathetic then a guy who can’t pick you up on a date because he claims he is being “green”! In actuality he is either broke or has had too many fucking DUI’s.

6. Fewer words and more eye contact. Fucking girly dudes always seem to fuck up their mouth and say shit that make us roll our eyes. Think before you speak, and normally speak more with your eyes.

7. Be a dick once in awhile. Put us bitches in our place. I KNOW I have had sex with more men that have told me to shut my mouth than those ball baby guitar players.

8. Be gentlemen. Have manners, and remember what your mother taught you!

9. Always go for the tang. Still be a gentleman, but let us know how much you want to lick our taint and our snatch.

10. Last but not least, if all else fails. Ignore us…that will drive us women CRAZY!

Please take note that the real manly men, are few and far between. Can’t you tell it is a dying breed? Most of them only exist in Coors Banquet commercials and the movie 300. If you can prove to us chicks that you are a real man, she will take a seat between your eyebrows and your chin.

GOD…I am about as manly as they get, I want to go see if I can lick my own taint. If I end up growing a mustache after this, you owe me a bottle of Pendleton fuck stain.

Friday, April 16, 2010

I need a goddamn facial already!

If you are going to take a shot in the mouth, make sure that dirty motherfucker deserves it.

Do you need to be “in like” to swallow a man's penis mucus? Do you need to swallow every single time you give head? Is it even considered giving head without swallowing?

In the past week I have asked a grip of my cunt friends how they feel about taking a shot in the mouth. I was surprised by the response I received.

It seems most individuals who give blowjobs don’t feel that the act of a blowjob has a definition. Yes, you put the cock in your mouth, and make shit happen. But what is the true definition?

We all know it is a JOB for a reason. There are many steps for this job and many things that make this job successful.

Does foreplay mean putting a cock in your mouth for a long period of time? Does a blow job really mean following through to the end and clocking out?

First, let's discuss what jizz really is. Cum, or sperm are reproductive cells. I know I am not telling you anything you didn’t learn in middle school, but this shit isn’t meant for use as a protein shake. Although this bleach smelling, creamy, tapioca like substance can stick between the cracks of your teeth, it is not bad for you. According to Men’s Health, semen is 65 percent fluid from the seminal vesicles, 30 to 35 percent of the prostate and 5 percent from the vasa. Semen contains citric acid, free amino acids, fructose, enzymes, phosphorylcholine, prostaglandin, potassium, and zinc. There are about 500 million sperm for each ejaculation.

Sounds like a fucking low carb cocktail huh? I bet it would be good frozen and used after yoga.

I definitely believe it is rude and CUNT-like to spit. Really? You are going to go through all that effort to coat your throat and then bring it back up? YUCK? It is like when you were a kid and you had to eat your peas, but then you decided to spit them in your napkin when your bitchy aunt wasn’t looking.

I think spitters need to work on their form.

Do you always have to swallow?

What is wrong with:

1. 69 action during foreplay to get things rolling before a little mattress dancing?
2. Blowing under a table in a restaurant and then finishing with penetration in the
3. A knob job in the shower and having it stuck in your ass before he cums?
4. Sucking, fucking, sucking, fucking, and then taking a shot in the face?

Does it always have to end with a guy cuming in your mouth?

Most men sure seem to think so.

If you aren’t taking a shot in the mouth, apparently it is quite annoying. I guess having a load on the tits, face, asshole, or the good ole vag just isn’t good enough. I have even had it shot in the eye and seem to have recovered just fine.

My point is…men sure complain a lot about not getting enough head. But, maybe they do. Maybe their definition of head is sucking him dry.

I wonder if men ever stop to think when we let them “finish” to their standards, that maybe their partner didn't get off? Funny, a dude being selfish? NOOOOOOOO!

Don’t get me wrong, there is something really hot about grabbing that ass, sticking a nice cock in your mouth, and hearing them moan like a gorilla. But what ruins it? You would think it was the Gorilla part. It is when a guy has the attitude that they deserve it! Half the fucking time most dudes don’t deserve a good swallow, but a nice kick in the fucking mouth!

I think that men are fucking complaining too much. They complain if they don’t, and complain when they do.

If you guys feel like you need to give a little direction, do so. Stop fucking around like a Goddamn pussy already! Like I have said in my previous blogs, giving direction can be kind of hot, but there is a craft to it. Don’t be a dick and stop that hot ass bitch in the middle of the procedure and critique her on doing something you could NEVER be successful at yourself! How about be a fucking man and be sexy about it? Direct your pleaser in a sexy Burt Reynolds type of way. Make it fun, make it sexy, and make her feel good about herself.

Nothing good ever comes from making somebody feel like shit when they are trying to please you.

The finesse of giving direction? That is for another blog. Just think about what you may be fucking complaining about, because it could always be worse. You could be with tooth grinding mom jeans, puking on your shoes for Christ’s sake!

Now, I need to take a shot of whiskey, in my mouth, and go masturbate. Apparently I am the only one who knows how to take care of myself.

Yes, I am a dick just like the rest.

Friday, April 9, 2010

“Honey!…I’m going down to the club for a few swings…”

Maybe Tiger could have saved everything if he would have told his wife what he ACTUALLY meant when he said that.

Yes, you can separate sex from love.

Tiger and Jesse James should take some advice from Mo’Nique. That’s right…she isn’t as precious as one might think. With her open marriage, Mo’Nique claims that being honest means letting her husband fuck whatever skinny bitches he wants and she can go on having hairy man legs. Which leads us to the topic of this week:

Can having an open relationship or marriage be the way to go?

You would be surprised how many people think so. Straight, gay, or bi…curiosity about open relationships can stay at jerking off to the girl at work or move to sitting on your barista’s face. Similar to ones genitals, I think each person is built in their own special fucked up way. Just like your clit is oversized or your parents decided not to circumsize you, one could also grow up to think that bringing home a third wheel is a good idea to spice things up. Sort of like a real life plastic fuck doll with…

“Sucking action and life like moans!!!”

My policy…Stop fucking judging, you bitch!

You think you know what a perfect relationship is all about? Go fuck yourself and then go fuck someone else. Maybe if you stopped playing “keep up with the Jones’” for one minute you’d realize that Mr. Jones is actually fucking his trainer…who is a man. Life isn’t all about driving a Lexus and blow jobs on his birthday, it is about mutual respect for your partner and finding out what makes shit work – whatever that means for two people, or three for that matter.

Like a monogamous relationship, open relationships have just as many rules. Just because you get to lick a stewardess’ asshole on your business trip and come home and chat about it while brushing your teeth…doesn’t mean there aren’t fucking boundaries. Yes, there are expectations, even for swingers… Isn’t life fucking grand?

I DID believe that individuals in open relationships can separate love from sex, until I learned of Polyamory (meaning many loves...not LOVERS). Poly’s are a type of open relationship community where individuals are with more than one person not for the act of sex, but to get more out of love and affection. They believe they are a responsible acceptable non-monogamous community. The Poly way of life is to have all your needs met emotionally and intimately, while developing strong life lasting relationships and families.

Yeah that sounds nice but then I’d have to care about them. That is just what I need, to deal with two fucking jerk offs not meeting my needs so why not go find a third? If it were me I would rather get fucked by all three and have them keep their goddamn whiskey traps shut.

Can you fucking imagine being in a relationship with multiple women with their goddamn PMS? Christ!

No thank you!

If you’re a Poly you need a best friend, life coach, and a partner and there’s no recreational sex in that open relationship. Boo!

I would say sign me up for the swinging...

Those old, fat, ugly, sweaty people, standing around in a circle waiting for their turn in a dark basement room that smells like budussy and incense…WRONG!!! Goddamn your asshole is tight!

A lot of swingers are very nice. Very attractive. Very Sexy. And very professional. That’s why at the nice places they make you sign like a thousand non-disclosure forms before you come in.

I love the Swingers.

Swinging is different from Polyamory because this open relationship is purely for the recreation of sex, not for multiple emotional connections. Swingers are a community of people who love to fuck, or as they say, “play”. And they may just have shit right. Not only do they host the greatest parties, but they also have a strict code of rules that this community truly believes in and follows.

One rule that I think rocks is No…ACTUALLY MEANS NO!

For example say a couple comes up and asks you to participate, come over, whatever…You say no. That’s it. They truly respect your wishes. In the swinger setting there’s no Guido wearing Ed Hardy hitting on you at the bar all night long trying to get you to guess the nickname of his penis. That fucking shit doesn’t happen in the world of swinging. And that what makes a swingers club a more preferable destination to most bars! You will have more fun with a group of swingers that respect your wishes and safety than having to worry about letting your cocktail out of your site.

The swinging community can be hosted between small groups, large private parties, or at clubs. No matter what it is, this is very much a community that believes in people having pleasure, respecting boundaries, and most of all being safe! Not to mention they are rolling in the fucking dough! How great would it be if you could prevent cheating, lying, and divorce with a threesome?

You will see very few singles as swingers, as it is mostly a couple activity. This community truly believes that sex and love are two separate things, and that having a loving relationship is a great thing. Swingers care more about being happy…whatever that means for somebody. Which is why they won’t judge you for wanting to be in a committed relationship with one person for the rest of your life. Swingers like to play…and they’re probably happier and more committed to each other than the Jones' ever could be.

Swingers CAN separate sex from love! This task which most friends I know cannot do, where I find it so simple. This may be why guys have to lie to women to get them to fuck them, which maybe one of the reasons why women think most guys are pigs. If you’d just put out to begin with you could avoid that whole problem. Your pussy isn't fucking hat magical!

YOU can separate sex from love. But you probably never will because you’re scared it makes you abnormal or a fucking whore.

Sex is sex…and love is love.

And humans are the only animals truly capable of both. Stop waiting for love before sex. DUMB DUMB DUMB!

I get so fucking sick of people being so pretentious and thinking every kiss, or every fuck is about love. Life isn’t a Danielle Steele novel. Grow the fuck up already! Haven't you been in love? Love is PAIN about 99% of the time, CHRIST!

If you want to be in love to have sex…go for it. Just don’t complain to me how you only get laid once a year. If you are not happy about how much you are getting laid and you have needs, desires, and fantasies…For God’s sake act on them! You were given a taint for a reason.

A lot of people I personally know are so scared to open their minds…and their legs. Nobody wrote the official rules on love and sexytime. Be the author of your own fucking life, if you need an editor once in awhile, that is what I’m here for!

Just always remember you are the owner, creator and director of the film of your life. Do you really want it to be a Disney movie? Or would you rather it turned out more like Boogie Nights… So pick up a pencil, or something a little more girthy, and start writing some excitement into your life…start this weekend. And remember the swingers as your mentors. You don't have to fuck in a group, just try to live your fantasy for once!

“We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.”

I wonder who said that...

Got your Irish Whiskey ready bitches?

Thursday, April 1, 2010

You want me to do WHAT? And then PEE on you?

I was sitting at the office chatting with peers about a Hot Carl…and the conversation blossomed.


Not only did we get graphic and giggle about the act of a hot carl, but also we started to google more information and it quickly got me on fire. The deeper I dug the more excited I become reading about these fucked up fetishes.

I guess I can’t help it. For some strange reason I find fetishes very interesting. The simple thought of who these individuals might be, makes me feel like a modern lady Sherlock Holmes. “It’s elementary my dear Watson…and speaking of… put on this school girl uniform and spank me with this eraser while you spoon feed me pudding…”

Yes I am looking at you. Why? Because I’m wondering if you’re one of the people in the office that likes to strangle themselves while masturbating. Or are you my friend that plays the up-tight conservative by day but your nights are filled with ball gags, bondage tape, and gangbangs? Its just exciting to play pretend, I mean...uh…I could only assume.

Look at your boss. Now imagine him/her hanging from the ceiling by hooks in their back with electrodes on nipples, body convulsing as current pulses though and then relaxes. Pulses through, body clenched…and then relaxed…dangling three feet off the ground…from hooks in their skin.

My policy: Don’t judge. You don’t know until you try.

But where I can see some possible enjoyment in the creative bondage arts, like dangling from hooks, there are some fetishes that are just so fucked up you really should be ashamed of yourself for not knowing.

Carled… or Coprophilia. The tasty sex maneuver where somebody takes a shit on their partners face. There’s also a Warm Carl where somebody takes a shit on their partners face while they have plastic wrap suffocating them. And finally a Cold Carl…where one partner lies underneath a glass table while watching the other shit on the table. Now…I am a freaky whore, but that shit (no pun intended) is totally fucking WAK! I don’t even like to shit myself let alone watch somebody else. I can’t even change a dirty diaper! When my nieces were babies…and I had to untape that nasty saggy over sized maxi pad to find surprises that should be kept unseen…YUCK!

Speaking of diapers…there is not only a fetish of grown adults who get off on wearing a diaper…but there is another fetish where people like to act out as a baby. The individuals who wear just the diapers and aren’t into the act of being a baby are called Diaper Lovers or DL. The individuals who like to wear diapers and get off on acting and dressing like an infant are called Adult Babies or AB, or sometimes referred as DL/AB. Creative huh?

These people seriously do the whole bit...”Ma Ma! MaMa! I’m wet.” (Newsflash readers… I am not)

But if you’re looking for a way to score a little extra cash during these lean times… there are people who make a lot of money by customizing adult baby attire and diapers. You can buy grown adult rattles, pacifiers, diapers, onesies, bonnets, and even bottles. You can also buy slim diapers that you can wear to work underneath your professional attire…NO FUCKING JOKE! Don’t you think this will make you look at men in suits a bit differently? And don’t get this fetish wrong… Paraphilic Infantilism is not about eroticizing babies. Its about grown people dressing up as babies, acting like a babies and pissing themselves cuz that is apparently totally fucking HOT!

Equally unsexy is this one straight from the nasty back allies of Tokyo called Omorashi. Which is when somebody loses control of their bladder and it turns into a live porn act for these twisted pole strokers. The biggest and hottest thing is when professional females or schoolgirls get all dressed up and then piss themselves. Shit! These crazy fucks need to hang out with me for just a few hours. I piss myself more than anybody I know! At $200 a pop and all the free booze I can drink I could clear like $2200 a day.

Ever been turned on by your friend’s hair….while holding it as she is barfing over the toilet? You have Emetophilia. This fetish is when somebody vomiting sexually arouses people. If your guy gets off on this he was probably a date-rapist in college. DON’T LET YOUR DRINK OUT OF YOUR SIGHT! Have you seen two girls one cup? Than enough said. I gagged my ass off when I saw that porn…but you know motherfuckers are rubbin one out to that shit on a regular basis. If you have this fetish, you need to call me! I got a gang of bitches that puke and rally like you have never seen before. FUCK…so good…I think we need a goddamn Olympic Team!

I have a friend that takes Ambien, sometimes before she has sex, and blacks out. This chick will come home, have a normal mom jeans type of evening, and the last thing she remembers before waking up nude with her ass sticking to a wet spot on the sheets, is taking that fucking pill! She doesn’t remember anything. Was she awake? Was she sleeping? Hubby says she was awake but maybe he’s covering up a fetish called Somnophilia, or being turned on by people who are passed out or sleeping.

Have you ever woken up to the person from the night before lying next to you just staring completely awake? Yep, you have. Nasty motherfucking people. UGH. I would be pissed to wake up with a facial I didn’t ask for…how annoying!

SICK MOTHER FUCKERS. I can’t judge. I am not a goddamn peach myself. I sat here for days and days digging through the greatest fetishes ever, totally entertained. I honestly can see how some of them can turn from funny, to interesting, to borderline tempting. I may be a sick fuck, but at least I don’t find it sexy to screw dead people…Necrophilia I think is grounds for a goddamn padded room. If you want to have sex like that…just bang a bitch under 21 who can’t parallel park downtown on a Saturday night. I am SURE it is pretty damn close.

What has this fucking world come to? I MEAN REALLY….there’s this one fucked up fetish called Coprolalia, where fucking people get fucking turned on by using fucking profane fucking language! FUCK! Those motherfuckers might be my soul mate.

And you thought the swearing in my blog was all for you…mmmmmmm. Go find your own fetish.



Video Camera………Better luck next time.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Fuck Happily Ever After!

Next time you see your therapist, tell them to send the bill to Michael Eisner.

When you were a little girl, you thought that Snow White, Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella were ideal women. You would dream about wearing a tiara and gowns, and doing anything to find your prince. In fact the whole purpose of being a princess was ONLY because that is how you would find a prince.

There’s a reason why you never hear little girls saying they would like to be princesses so they can help feed the hungry and fight homelessness.

In a lot of my blogs I blame Disney for creating clouds. Sparkly La La Land clouds that fog the minds of American girls and women still to this day. I mean these Princess Disney bitches are always fucking victims. Cartoons, yes, but with real world consequence, e.g. the friend of yours that is constantly in relationships where she is mistreated by a self-centered asshole. NEWS FLASH! Guys would stop treating us like dicks if we stop letting them get away with it. But these fucking Disney movies teach girls that is OK to be treated that way.

Come on already!

Why are all these chicks borderline schizophrenic. How many people do you know have best friends that are crabs, seagulls, and mice? Yes…get your romantic advice from a damn gay dwarf who has never met a woman and lives with 6 other men, like he really knows what he is talking about! If the dumb bitch wasn’t a fucking martyr all the time, then maybe she would have normal mermaid friends or stepsisters that didn’t try to have her killed.

How old are these characters anyway? Don’t most of them live at home? Does anybody remember that Pocahontas was only 12 and John Smith was 28? Have these bitches even had a period yet? You never see a Disney Princess learning to deal with birth control, talk about PMS, or the fact that this prince of hers might infect her with an STD! Or what it means to get dumped or find out your boyfriend is fucking groupies.

It’s sex education Disney style! Which is probably why so many women I know feel like they need to shit out a kid in order to be happy….And why many of men I know wish they would have packed their own jimmy hats for the party.

Where is the mother, or should I say Queen during all this? OH!!!…that’s right, these Disney Princesses hardly ever have a mother! Think back to all the fucking royal ladies you used to wish to become, their Mother wasn’t in their life for one reason or another. These beauties normally lived to help their fathers, and went from one man running her life to another. No wonder these bitches are so fucked up!

(You realize you’ve been watching these examples of how to live since you were like 4 years old, right?)

Belle lived to protect her father who was always publicly criticized. Both of Cinderella’s parents died, leaving her to a wicked stepmother and a few Sasquatch stepsisters. Ariel had no mer-mom just the king of the sea to tell her how to live.

Life isn’t complete for these adolescent slut characters until they have met their prince. The whole time these young ladies are going through life dreaming of getting out of the house and meeting the man of their dreams. You never see these beauties dreaming of becoming a teacher, doctor, or powerful and professional sex symbol that just might play the field.

Great idea…lets teach our kids that you MUST be married at 17 and 18…look how well that has worked for bitches in the past. Who needs college, when a hairy beast man that yells at you owns a library? Why settle for Mr. Right Now when you can hold out for that prince! Who cares that he is going to sleep with half of the help in the castle and make you walk around on egg shells the rest of your life. You will forgive him because he gave you glass slippers.

What really got me fucking fired up about this shit was being forced to watch Beauty and the Beast. This movie should teach young girls what NOT to get involved in. This goddamn tale should be a lesson in how fucking emotionally and physically abusive people can be. Only Meatloaf would “do anything for love”, not a dude that looks like a fucking hairy line backer who shows you his goddamn teeth! If you haven’t seen this flick or need a refresher, basically Belle leaves her motherless household with no high school diploma, gets TRAPPED into living in a dark scary castle, and allows herself to be manipulated into believing that the man running the place will change. All the poor fucking servants are so scared that they plead and beg her not to irritate him, because he has a temper. Belle lives in a dream world where she truly does believe he will change his abusive ways. He screams at her, throws shit at her, locks her in her room for days without food, and then says he is so sorry and begs for forgiveness many times. That sweet gentle Belle takes the abusive loser back every time.

Sound like any of your girlfriends? Yeah, thank Walt for that one. Just because at the end of the story he turns into a handsome prince doesn’t mean he isn’t still a beast.

I am not trying to be a fucking feminist here, because you all know I prefer a strong hairy beefcake of a man. What I want to make clear is almost every female character in these Disney movies is insecure and self destructive. I would rather hang out with an ugly stripper with daddy issues any day before hanging out with Princess Jasmine. I think it is drilled into many women’s heads that they need to find that prince who is made for them, or you know…the one! Men aren’t perfect. Men don’t run around in tights and ruffled shirts with swords…unless they are some fucking nerd at a renaissance fair who probably has herpes.

If they could JUST show Pocahontas working in a casino and discovering she is married to a drug dealer, or seeing Ariel go get plastic surgery after her fucking divorce so she can have her fin back. Or maybe they could show a therapist tell Snow White she has a deviant sex addiction. Seven small dudes and her in one house, if that story isn’t the most fucked…I don’t know what is.

HAPPILY EVER AFTER NEVER HAPPENS! Get the fuck over yourself baby girl! It is never going to happen! Pretty Woman sums it up perfectly “Who does it work for?” “Cinderfuckinrella!” You aren’t going to be saved and woken up someday by a kiss, unless it is after a few too many martinis and you need mouth to mouth after trying to give a blowjob in a hot tub!

FACT: You are going to get zits, wrinkles, stretch marks, or gain 10 pounds, and eventually you’ll stop asking the mirror who is the fairest of all. You won’t always be beautiful, and you will never be perfect. People will cheat, people will die, people will make your pee burn, and you may think you have met the person of your “dreams” - but you will wake up to find they aren’t so good and they make you want to poke your fucking eyes out. Been there, done that.

If you keep living in a fantasy world seeking the person you are “supposed” to be with, you will end up chasing that dream forever. Take a good look at yourself and what really makes you happy. Find somebody who meets those needs, find somebody who lets you be YOU, and doesn’t treat you like shit. Let your guard down and let life happen to you. In other words go SOW YOUR GOD DAMN OATS! You’ll be surprised how life will work out if you let it.

Life is a lot more interesting and lot more real when you aren’t waiting for the magic carpet to come swoop you up…Although a hookah and a Middle Eastern guy are found pretty easily and that just might hit the spot. (You’ll never know if you like it unless you try it.)

So get off your high horse Cinderella…and get off on someone’s horse cock. There’s no prince coming for you, but you can start cumming for yourself.Take two shots of whiskey princess, lose your panties…and let me know how you feel in the morning.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Why do teeth ALWAYS get in the way?

I think it is pretty clear that men and women both love oral sex. If you don’t participate in oral sex, then you have some serious daddy issues. How can there be a person in the world that doesn’t love to just lay back, relax and have somebody take care of them like they are John Edwards?

It's why God gave us wet mouths, and I think, a lot of times, men and women miss the boat on how to get it done.

Why? Why? Why!!! …do so many women think they know everything when it comes to pleasing a man? Women always assume men are SO easy! Which is probably why women think it is okay to give a hand job instead of a blowjob. REALLY? Have you ever thought, "What would I want if I was a guy?" Get on your fucking knees you stupid whore! Why the fuck do some women not reciprocate? Are you shitting me? Not saying you have to reciprocate EVERY single time…but you SHOULD understand manners for fuck’s sake!

Why? Why? Why!!! …do men think it is okay to finger bang a woman like they’re firing a machine gun? It’s cunting season but guys, you don’t kill something you are planning to eat with a machine gun. Hunt for kitty with a machine gun and you’ll just end up with a sore arm and blue balls. And why are men only doing one thing at a time during oral sex? Can’t you fucking multitask already? I’ll put it in simple terms: A woman’s body is like your Playstation controller…you can’t win if you’re only hitting one button.

In this week's issue we’re cutting straight to the g-spot to get to the real deal on our oral issues. On today’s research panel: a few randos that I met at a bar, a batch of my overly sexual friends (men and woman, straight and gay), and some inappropriate survey questions that put the G in gmail. The result is Ramblin Broad’s guide to oral sex etiquette.

Hand Jobs ARE OUT!

Look ladies, literally every girl I talk to thinks guys like hand jobs. They do…when they give a hand job to themselves! Come the fuck on already! Do you really think you can give a man a better hand job than he can give himself? Not even Kirsty Alley can do this for a fucking Butterfinger! Make a guy remember being with you and not have to fantasize about what he really wants you to do with his tube steak. I can say with confidence that 100% of men would rather get a blowjob, titty fuck a chick, or masturbate for her. Honestly…all those options are so much sexier and exciting than a hand job!

Remember the days when you would dry hump a guy so hard that your pelvis would hurt the next day? Yeah..well when you are giving a guy a hand job, it takes him back to that moment in time. LOOK, I know what your fucking hot ass is thinking right now (fyi…only good looking people read this blog), "what about a good ole HJ in public?" NO! If you are that brave to give a dude an HJ in public, the least you can do is swallow it. Just give him a BJ already! If you want to get dirty and nasty at your parent’s house during dinner, go to the bathroom and have a quickie in the mirror, or go outside in some fucking bushes and give him a knob job. An HJ is just so Trapper Keeper.

Trim Trim Trim!

Dudes, there is nothing worse than a pair of musty balls with a bad wiper. Yes, I said it. You dudes are NASTY! Keep that shit clean already! I am not saying the kitty can be much cleaner all the time, but dudes are normally way worse. NO, we don’t want to give you a blow job after you just rode your bike in your skinny jeans! Honestly, would you blow yourself like that? Brush your fucking teeth already. There is nothing worse than musty balls on a man with fucking old hamburger breath. Yuck. If we wanted to share lunch with you, we would have sat on your fucking face. Keep it clean and trim, especially you hairy fucks. If nasty ass Andrew Dice Clay can do it, so can you!

Ho’s, there is NOTHING worse than fried pussycat. Can’t you clean yourself or find your lost tampon already? For real! I know you ladies aren’t bad wipers, but at least take a wet wipe to yourself before the Burt Reynolds ride. Don’t you think that your wild jerry curl is starting to freak him out? If your partner thinks your bush looks like Lionel Ritchie, you need to jump out of 1978 and join the bald girl’s club. Some girls say they don’t like to be feel like they are five-years old again, but at least trim the shit down. I am SO shocked when I stare at beavers in the gym or at yoga, and it looks like they put Rogaine on that shit. Dear lord, stop being so fucking lazy.

Twat Talk…

Most lesbians already know all this, so this part is not directed to your hot asses. Dudes, okay. We know that it is hard for y’all to multitask. We know how it works in manland. When it comes to petting the kitty, you must reach multiple sensations. Maybe some dumb cunts want you to whisper them sweet nothings while you have a mouth full, but the rest of us bitches just want to put you to work.

The clit is NOT like your cock. Stop sucking on it hard and rubbing your callused finger on it so rough the fucker might come right off. Be gentle, be focused, and listen! If we are making noises that sound like anything other than STOP, unless you’re Ben Roethlisberger, keep going! If we are making those noises you like to hear, that means STAY PUT! For GOD'S SAKE! There is nothing more disappointing than when a dude is hitting the right spot and wanders away. What a nightmare.

A few tips from the ladies:

- Find the Clit, Anus, and Vagina. Just like bowling…try to play with them
all at the same time. Maybe have a pitcher of beer first…and some tatertots.

- Trace the letters; A, B and C over the clit area until she screams.

- Listen to hear noises and read body language, you will find out what she likes
when you start paying attention. Every woman is different, just because your
skanky ex girlfriend with daddy issues liked it one way, doesn’t mean they all do.

- Find the G-Spot. Use your fingers! We don’t expect you to be our gynecologist. But the least you can do is fucking search around a bit.

- Ask for directions. We know how much you motherfuckers hate to ask for help, but when it comes to sex, ask. Women LOVE to express their feelings and will be
happy to tell you what feels good. ASK!

A few tips from the dudes:

- Shave or Trim already. Some men are scared of what you might be hiding under that
wild bush.

- Let us try different positions while snacking on the box. Chairs, doggy style,
standing, you name it. The traditional position of a man going down on a woman can be a pain in the neck…literally. Mix it up!

- 69 is not just a number ladies. Men want to 69 as much as humanly possible next to jerking themselves off. Give it a go more often…schedule it in if you must!

May I have a Polish Sausage, but hold the nuts…

I think there is a reason why when you go to parties, or a bar, they always have nuts. Nuts make everybody happy! I LOVE salty peanuts still in the shell. I think it is even better when I can have a huge beer and throw my empty shells on the nasty greasy ground in a bar. Nuts are fun for everybody, except when women are giving head. After chatting with a group of men, I found that most of those men hate how their nuts get left out so often. I guess us ladies need to multitask too!

Growing up, I always assumed that men only cared about one thing: the wiener, the shaft, their Johnson. I always assumed they protected their balls. I mean, it isn’t like women don’t know that nuts are a part of shit, but I was surprised to find out that most men think we are leaving their nuts in the dark. Could it be the bad wiping thing? Or could it be they just remind us the first time we saw one hanging out of a mans shorts at summer camp? Or the scary bulge of Tom Jones? Icky! With his sweaty sparkling chest hair…you know his nuts are also wet, stinky, and suffocating in that spandex!

We need to be more interactive with the nuts. Hold onto them, caress, tickle, lightly tap, cup, or maybe squeeze them. One young lady said she puts light pressure at the top and the bottom of the nuts while she gives head. She also claims a little mouth pocket pool helps the job go faster…(and yes…she is hot and single).

Giving a blowjob, really is a job. It seems men don’t understand what it takes for a woman to give a perfectly acceptable blowjob. It takes time to produce enough saliva, prevent lockjaw, hide the damn molars, gag reflex, all while holding your fucking balls. Give the person behind the curtain a little more credit. Women want to know what you like. It is never a good thing to just let a girl go and go and go and go and go and go…until she has permanent lip damage. We want to know what is going to get you off as fast as possible.

A few more tips from the Gents:

- Hold the NUTS…do something with them.

- For fuck's sake, swallow…or don’t bother. If you aren’t going to finish, then fuck it already!

- A hand job is worthless. He may tell you he likes it, because you are obviously touching the center of his world…but they would much rather you blow them.

- Just when you decided to go low carb: Normal ejaculate contains approximately
2.0 to 3.0 cc. Of that , 1.5 to 2.0 cc come from the seminal vesicles. 0.5cc from the prostate and 0.1 to 0.2 cc from Cowper gland. The majority of the fluid is protein. A very small amount is fructose (sugar). The caloric content is low
with almost no fat. Happy sucking!

A few tips from the Ladies:

- TELL US when you are going to cum. Most women just want to have some warning so the swallowing process is an effective one.

- Women want to know exactly what you like. Women want you to point, show, and
give examples, draw on the fucking grease board like the UPS guy…whatever…. just fucking do it already. Man up.

- Please take a goddamn shower or something. You men can be so damn disgusting. Trim and shave your shit. It isn’t just for the ladies! Clean out your dirty fingernails before you play with the kitty. Nobody knows WHAT the fuck you have
under there.

- A healthy diet makes for a tastier finish. You might want to google this one.

- Women want you men to enjoy this moment, but don’t also be greedy. Don’t take
forever when you know you can cum, we want it to be good, but we also don’t want
to lose our tonsils.

I was surprised when I began writing this blog how much information I received from a handful of oversexed friends of mine. The one common thing I found from everybody was they really want to watch each other masturbate. It seems as if people want to learn what the other person likes. Watching your partner pleasure themselves will be visually stimulating and also show you exactly what they like with a front row seat. Don’t give him the fucking hand job next time…ask him to do it for you, you dirty slut.

I am not a goddamn sex columnist, or sex blogger…but I do think that if most fucking people would just ask and listen…this fucking world would be a better place. More casual sex too…let’s not forget that little tidbit!

Time to clean my gun and drink my whiskey. Now...go put on some chapstick!

Thank you to the dirty skanky friends and strangers that took a few minutes to be embarrassed by my whore-nie questions. I appreciate your insight. Thanks to my Editor for always making me sounds smooth, and to my fact checker who reminds me when I am getting weak.