Friday, January 6, 2012

Fuck a New Years Resolution, Get What You Really Want!

There is something about getting what I want that makes me feel alive.

No matter how old you are or how important you think you are... find a way to get what you want this new year. Fuck a stupid New Years Resolution you won't succeed with anyway...figure out how to get fisted by that sexy guy you see at Starbucks every morning.

There has been many times in my life when I didn’t take no for an answer. Whether it was waiting to get backstage and meet a rockstar, trying to sleep with that sexy mysterious bartender, or finding a way to fuck that British professor with that sick mustache...I always found a way. When I find something I want or when I realize that I can’t sleep another night until I meet that classic rock guitar player...I make it my mission to succeed.

I believe this motivation is a gift. I never give up...and if it doesn’t work the first time...I pick myself back up off the ground and try harder the next time. As a professional winner and successful backstage charmer, here are a few tips of how to get what you want...especially if there is some serious kinky sex involved.

Ramblin’s Top 10 ways to get what you want:

1.) Always look good. Stop leaving the house looking like a sloppy fucking dumb ass. Just because you live in Portland...doesn’t mean you need to look like a goddamn sloppy Oregonian. Take the time to spice it up and set yourself apart.

2.) Be polite. When you are trying to get what you want from somebody, please and thank you go a very long way. If a girl buys you a drink, say fucking thank you...if a guy buys you dinner...sit on his face. Don’t be an asshole.

3.) Treat everybody the same. No matter how intimidated you may be by somebody...treat them as you would treat your friends. Even if they may be famous, pretending to stay calm when you are dying inside is a guarantee for anal sex. Trust me.

4.) Be a chameleon. Know your audience and be flexible to slightly change depending on the circumstances. If you have to watch your dirty mouth because you are trying to fuck a chick from your mother’s church...keep your mouth clean until that girl becomes a real naughty slut.

5.) Start small but be persistent. If you want to fuck the hottest chick in the room...ask the bartender what she is drinking and leave it on her table with a smile. Don’t do everything at once. Baby steps. Anticipation is another word for foreplay.

6.) Always be honest. Don’t tell people what they want to hear, always be honest and people will respect you. If you just want to bang a bitch...don’t fucking play games...just tell her what you want.

7.) Smile and laugh. Not only do people look ugly when they are grumpy (or if they are a woman with a mustache)...but it seriously causes wrinkles! Lighten up and take a shot of whiskey you cranky fuck.

8.) Always have a goal in mind and stick to it. If you want that amazing job, or you want to ride that hot matter how long it takes to get you there...keep it a goal. Once you have reached that goal, set an even better one. Instead of the cowboy at the bar, maybe working on a professional bull rider or country singer is next.

9.) Don’t ever hurt anybody along the way. Sometimes we can be fucking cunts...but try to avoid hurting somebody to get what you want. Sometimes it happens naturally, but do what you can to avoid it.

10.) Always have fun! Life is too short to obsess over something you want and not have fun along the way. The best part of a challenge is the journey. Have fun, get drunk, and have some courtesy fucks along the way...its good karma.

Now that the Ramblin’ has given you the Top 10 Ways to get what you want. Make me proud and have 2012 the year of you and a year of some serious sex, drugs, and rock and roll! I can’t think of anything more fun!