Thursday, October 6, 2011

Being "Ironic" is a red flag for mangina.

In a city full of straight men wearing skinny jeans, fucking v-necks, and goddamn pussy scarves...a single slut needs a fucking real man check list. Portland woman have become so numb and desensitized from the lack of real men in this city, I have seen some redneck girls like myself accidentally have bathroom sex with a man that may or may not be wearing black rim glasses he bought at Forever 21. Is there really a lack of manly men in this city? Is it the fucking rain stopping men from growing taller and gaining muscle? Is it when PBR became a hipster beer that everything went to shit? I would just like to know why the fuck so many straight Portland men are more feminine than Andy Dick.

Where have all the Cowboy’s gone? Is Sam Elliot the only one left in this city?

I have included a list of questions to ask early on in a first conversation with a guy to determine if he is a little fucking bitch and will cry during sex. If he answers either of these questions wrong...I would take a hard long look in the mirror and ask yourself if you really need to get laid that bad. Hey...if he has drugs, lots of money, or you haven’t been fucked in awhile...I won’t judge you. These questions should hopefully help you sleep at night when you lie awake wondering...was it a single mom thing? Was it a public school thing? Are there really just a bunch of fucking bitches in Portland?

Lucky for you...I have found AND have fucked a few of these rare savage beast men in Portland and I have created checklist to help me cut out the fucking mangina clutter.

1. Have you ever hunted or fished for your dinner? Can you tell me how long your fishing pole is?

2. What kind of cologne is that? Did you accidentally put too much on today?

3. Have you ever driven anything else except for your lesbian Subaru or fucking bicycle? Do you even have a fucking driver’s license?

4. Have you ever taken a shot of whiskey? What about an Irish Car Bomb?

5. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Do you shop on NW 23rd at all?

6. Have you ever used a chain saw? How about a fucking hand saw?

7. Did you participate in Drama or Choir in high school? (If he says yes...and then proceeds to discuss his four high school years in football...then I'd let it slide...and then have it slide in your ass).

8. Have you ever changed your own oil, flat tire, or replaced windshield wipers? (If he happens to have a car...fucking manvinga).

9. Do you spend more than $25 per month on your hair or do you wax on a regular basis? (Waxing his back is one thing...waxing his chest and eyebrows is a red flag for fucking tears during sex).

10. Do you have a cat? Is it a barn cat or do you brush it and sleep with it every night?

Dating is never fun, but casual sex sure is! Don’t waste your happy healthy vagina on a piece of shit you will later regret. Trust me...when you wake up to see his bike helmet and find out he lives with his will wish you took home the guy with the hairy back instead.

Go out there and join me in making a stand against all the fucking Mangina’s in Portland...and get drunk while doing it.