Friday, September 17, 2010

The leads are weak!? You’re weak.

Every man and woman should be getting fucked on a regular basis, regardless of your relationship status. If your significant other isn’t getting it done, or you have gone days in your single life without ...your little black book should be activated.

I am consistently shocked when my friends, especially women, complain about not getting laid. What the fuck is the problem? Haven’t you heard of a goddamn backup? Contingency plan? Plan B? Haven’t you been to a Karaoke bar or bowling recently? Who lets themselves go without? I would be a hot fucking mess if I didn’t have some rough sex and a stiff drink on a consistent basis.

Stop deleting phone numbers, even if the that fucking dumb cunt stopped calling you, or that douche bag fucked your friend instead…who knows when you will need a little pick me up? My phone and email contacts are filled more with booty calls than family, friends, and work…why isn’t yours?

I say each person should have at the VERY least a top ten dial-to-fuck. Number one being the most convenient and least committal. Number ten being a good shag, but only in desperate measures. Fuck, I have not only my top ten dial-to-fuck, but I also have dial-to-fucks in other cities and other countries, and just to be safe my AAA team. Literally, AAA team…cause they each know how to swing their goddamn stick.

There is no excuse for wining and crying about not having a porkfest. You should be able to pick up your fucking phone on a cold lonely night and have fun, commitment free, hot sweaty anal sex. If you are masturbating quite too often to porn or even more desperate True Blood…you need to take a long look at your contact list and start fucking dialing for nookie.

I know some of you may be pretty pathetic and haven’t been filling your little black book since grade school like I have, so here is a few tips to help.

- Prospecting isn’t just for sales people. Each time you are out getting a coffee, going for a quick run, shopping at the grocery store, or fucking getting your oil changed…make an attempt to get a goddamn email, facebook friend request, business card, or if you are a pimp…a cell phone number! Nobody says you need to have a fucking relationship…most of the time people want a drink and a roll in the hay.

- Start hitting up older friends, friendly exes, coworkers, acquaintance, your acquaintance exes, and if your really desperate social networking buddies. Just send friendly messages letting them know you are thinking about them…and keep their information! You never know when a few friendly messages could turn into a drink or fuck invite.

- Become overly friendly. Start building that cold call list of yours by randomly talking to that hot bitch waiting to pay her tab at the bar, or that hunky stud waiting for the bathroom. Random people in random places are more open to chat than in their social circle. Being bold and friendly gets you a free pass to fuck or get fucked in the face.

As soon as you start building a better prospecting list, start testing them out when you get home from the bar. Everybody knows when they are getting booty called; the ones that respond are keepers!

Stop deleting numbers, and keep a top ten dial-to-fuck list in your phone, on your desktop, or posted on your fucking bathroom mirror. There is no excuse for this behavior…sex is meant to be fun…not dramatic and about commitment. Barf.

I think I will rummage through the ole black book tonight and give a few out. Friends do share ya know.