Thursday, April 29, 2010

Chlamydia is not the Latin name for a flower!

Unlike a flower nobody picks Chlamydia. There are no poems about stopping to smell the Chlamydia. But that doesn't mean you won't get handed a bouquet of Chlamydia at the door on a first date.

Honesty and flattery will get you everywhere, and lying about your inflamed labia will get you nowhere. Who the fuck decided it was ever a good idea to just pretend you don’t have an STD? Fucking selfish mother fucking assholes is who!

Lets be honest, guys aren’t as obsessed with what is going on with their junk, just what they can do with their junk. Just because it burns like hell during urination, doesn't mean he won’t put that fire out with your vag water. Most men are so fucking clueless. And the ones that aren't clueless are fucking assholes. And the ones that are clueless are clueless fucking assholes.

Gentlemen...its time to be gentle and be a man. There is no acceptable excuse for rubbing your diseased cock on another human being. You know if you are guilty of this crime. I hope you feel guilty every time you jerk off, look in the mirror, look in the mirror while jerking off, and then cry while you wear women’s underwear. Tell the bitch. Then wear a rubber. Actually wear two. Thanks.

Women on the other hand are much more in tune with their bodies and seem to have their shit under control. It is those drunken one-night stands or cheating fucking partners that normally fuck it up. Yet there are those lying skanky ho’s out there that enjoy spreading the love...only they are doing it after you pay for a lap dance or when you agree to meet her out behind the greyhound bus station.

As my readers know I very much think that casual sex is a truly important part of any adult’s life. I believe that getting randy as much as possible and a good clump of tapioca balls in your hair is rewarding. BUT…lets all be fucking grown ups here…. to take that shot or to get it straight in the ass without protection, you better be fucking damn sure you have had the “talk”.

The “talk” can happen the first time you meet a dude at Mardi Gras in a bathroom stall, on a first or third date, or right up front before you agree to meet after chatting on eHarmony.

If you are going to have unprotected sex there is much more to worry about then just taking the morning after pill. Yes. This can be a little embarrassing, and maybe ruin the mood, and even the relationship…but it is much better then being Magic Johnson or Paris Hilton.

Have the "talk" goddamn it! Open your fucking mouth and be responsible. Speaking of opening your dirty cock hole mouth…yes you can get an STD from oral sex. Fun stuff isn’t it!

So many people are reckless and act like it would never happen to them, or if it did happen to them…they live in denial and give the gift that keeps on giving. That is why I call this Regifting. This isn’t a white elephant party people. This isn’t that fucking same back massager that continues to show up at the same holiday party every year. Regifting is when you are an irresponsible whore who doesn’t take the time to be an honest humane being.

Be an adult and be responsible. Every person, man and woman, should be getting an annual visit to the doctor and ask for the full screen - even if you are in a committed relationship. You never know when one might step out of the relationship once in awhile, or even live in denial. Always know what is going on with your body, especially if you are a fun girl, (cough: whore!) like me.

According to if you are infected…you aren't alone:

One in five people in the United States has an STD.

Cervical cancer in women is linked to HPV.

Hepatitis B is 100 times more infectious than HIV.

One in five Americans has genital herpes, yet 90 percent of those with herpes are unaware they have it.

At least one in four Americans will contract an STD at some point in their lives.

HPV and Chlamydia are the most common STDs in the United States.

Less than half of adults ages 18 to 44 have ever been tested for an STD other than HIV/AIDS.

At least 15 percent of all infertile American women are infertile because of tubal damage caused by pelvic inflammatory disease (PID), the result of an untreated STD.

Two-thirds of Hepatitis B (HBV) infections are transmitted sexually. HBV is linked to chronic liver disease, including cirrhosis and liver cancer.

Its lax, selfish attitudes toward sexual health that have caused this huge surge in STDs and just because it’s become so common doesn’t mean it isn't a big fucking deal! I don’t know about you, but I would rather save my life than worry about being fucking embarrassed.

This DOSEN’T mean don’t have sex or limit your sex, GOD, you will turn into fucking Kirstie Alley or Andy Dick.

What I am saying is FUCK SAFE and don’t be a fucking asshole. If somebody fucks you over, report him or her to the Department of Health and Humane Services. Fuck them…it is against the law for you NOT to tell your doctor if you know who gave you an STD.

Now that I ripped you a new asshole, with a condom of course, let it heal up for a day or two...and this weekend get fucking laid. Just don’t be fucking dumb. As the Wu-Tang would say, "PROTECT YA NECK!!!"

Well the Broad says... Protect ya neck, throat, mouth, vag, cock, balls, ass, and taint. Cuz ain't nobody gonna protect it for you!

And speaking of throat...I could use a little something in it.

Any suggestions?