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Wednesday, February 10, 2010

No shopping for cucumbers in sweat pants!

I love living in the Northwest, don't get me wrong. But us motherfuckers are almost as bad as people from Cloquet Minnesota. (First, Last, and Only time I'll be visiting). Where I might add...I saw a dude changing his ugly baby's shitty diaper on a Wendy's fast food table, which most likely wasn't his kid considering how ghetto ass his ugly sweat pants wearing...at two o'clock on a Saturday....baby mama was. Yikes.

It is not that hard to take an extra 15 minutes, maybe 5 for me, to throw something on to be socially presentable. Who decided that sweat pants were even a good enough for the gym?

LOOK GOOD at the gym!

Christ! Do you know how many single people go to the fucking gym? I am not saying be like some of my friends and put on eyeliner and curl your hair before you walk in, but be aware at all times of your assets and liabilities.

Asset: Juicy ass in tight running shorts or BLACK yoga pants.

Liability: Big ugly forehead with bangs pulled back in a french braid. EEwww!

This is a big pet peeve for me. I do not understand why a lot of woman and some men go in public looking like they are a manager for an Estacada mobile home park. Really? Scrunchies and headbands were out as a stylish accessory over 20 years ago! I am the first to admit that I wear that shit at bedtime...but I will take the time to look good at Trader Joe's.

Throw on one coat of mascara, a half ass blow dry, and an ass hugging pair of jeans. A "6" in hot tight jeans and make up beats out an "8" in sweatpants and bed head. Hot dudes buy frozen food too, maybe wear a thin t-shirt and no bra....at least you aren't going in your pajamas! With the number of ugly folks running errands...a little polish and shine goes a long way...maybe all the way...if you are lucky! Do your part to stand out...whatever that is. You aren't always going to meet somebody at the bar when you are all dolled up! You could fucking meet somebody at the damn post office. Those lines are long and who is to say sparks can't fly? Haven't you ever read Craigslist? Seriously...how many people have missed connections at Starbucks...unbelievable!

I know that I am far from old fashion, but the days of woman looking hot at all times and dudes smelling good even at bedtime...are NOT over. If you are in a relationship or married, don't fucking come home and put your banana clip and zit cream on right away, try not looking like Tonya Harding until right before bed time. Your partner should always feel like they are lucky when they look over at you, even if you want to throw a hubcap at them.

Single ladies...gloss those lips and pull your jugs out! I know we have those days where we wake up late...and have dark circles. Take the fucking time to look hot. I am sick of seeing ugly ass bitches every where I go in Oregon! Who is your boss going to be more forgiving to? The dumb bitch arriving on time in wet hair? Or the hot chick arriving late? You never know when you will bump into somebody with potential. When you are getting ready in the morning...always think...I could meet my future ex husband or ex wife today.

Be charismatic! Guys....smile and tip the hot Barista at Starbucks...Girls...flirt and smile at guy at the dog park...even if his dog isn't as cute as yours. Always be ON...as if you were selling yourself, because you are. The dorky millionaire....may just be the one you smile at.

Always be nice, but still stick up for yourself. Kill everybody with kindness, until they ask you on a date. That is for another blog...another game, and another reason to take the edge off.

Now...throw those sweat pants away...and while you aren't wearing pants...masturbate already! I think that calls for a shot of whiskey!

2 comments:

Accounting 230 said...

I'm not going to lie, I'm wearing sweats right now...unmatching grey sweats. But you make some really great points and in recent months, when I'm debating hitting the snooze or getting up and putting a little effort in, I tell myself, "Today may be the day you meet George Clooney!"
(and I have no idea why this made my username one of my classes. Weird.)

Shannon said...

I think people who can't give up their sweats should look into these: http://www.pajamajeans.com/Default.aspx?bhcp=1 They seem like the perfect the solution to the problem... or they seem crazy.