Wednesday, February 24, 2010

A no HO'S barred discussion.

Bitches are crazy.

Including myself...

For example...

My friends say that I over use the word, CUNT. They are wrong. I don't use the word CUNT too often; I just happen to run into a lot of CUNTS! I have a lot of cool friends who somehow get themselves wrapped up into CUNT drama. Which inspired me to write about CRAZY bitches! So babygirls...CUNT CUNT CUNT. How do you like me now?

If you are one of my sensitive, ovary-hoarding blog readers, stop now and save yourself the waterworks. I don't have time for you.

I am so sick of rolling my eyes at happy hour when bitches dream shit up in their heads about their fucking love lives. He is most likely fucking somebody else. Feeling the need to read his text messages and emails should be your first hint. Duh. You don't trust him for a reason. This on the other hand, makes you a crazy bitch, no matter WHO you are!

When you begin investigating your dates, you have a fucking problem. Sorry to say it, but at THAT point the problem is YOU.

I AM your friend that will say, "he's an asshole," and "you are way too good for him." That is what I am supposed say. BUT, what I want to say is, "you knew this when you began the relationship. What did you expect? Stop acting like a dumb CUNT!" AGAIN, this isn't Disney, your pussy isn't the Magic Kingdom!

Guys...Lesbians...and Bi-dabblers like myself, here is a little vocabulary to help identify crazy ass bitches.

The Penny Pinching Pussycat:

This dumb ass bitch hasn't paid for a goddamn thing in her life. She may have not come from money, but you better believe she wants money...honey. This is a girl that never pays for dinner, drinks, cover charges, drugs, or her fake tits. She has some how made it through life by putting her paycheck into savings. She is the one that goes to the bathroom when the bill comes, and the one that rarely puts out after you pay. This bitch sucks. I do think it is important for people to have manners and take care of a date. I believe the line is about 4 or 5 dates in. If she hasn't started to feel guilty about you spending hundreds of dollars on her...and she hasn't given you road head...time to fuck somebody else.

Baby Mama Wannabe:

RUN as FAST as POSSIBLE! Stop thinking about bustin' a nut for one second, and think about child support. There are MANY women who have not only given up on dating, they have decided that they will never find "the one." These chicks are out trollin for sperm. It is true. Be very careful of bitches with baby on the brain. They are fucking bad news and seriously psycho. All types of women want a baby, but not necessarily a relationship. BE VERY CAREFUL. They will not only take your sperm, but they will drain you of life and cash. These women in many cases are most likely very professional, beautiful women that you would never expect. ALWAYS pack your own Jimmy Hats...DUMB ASSES!

The Mini-You:

This crazy bitch really does have an outside life aside from the beginning. You begin dating, you have sex, and the next thing you know, bitch is moving in. That was easy! This lady is very stealth...she comes across almost like a friend. She likes the same movies as you, likes the same sports, same beer, same sex positions, same NASCAR driver, same bars, same music, and even the same toilet paper. This bitch is a deep down stalker. Before you know it, she is friends with all of your friends and knows your parents better than you. Then, you soon realize the friends of hers you met early in the relationship are gone. This girl completely lives for you, and you only! She has literally deserted all her friends, family, and life for you. This is psychotic. Although there are some guys like that, they are called Mormons. She wants to make you love her so much, that she has forgotten who she is. I cannot tell you HOW MANY times I have seen this. THIS IS SCARY, and really hard to read. This scary shit happens right before your eyes, and you won't know what hit you. I have no other advice but to make sure you always have separate avenues and space. It is important to have a life together, but it should not always be about one person. If she exhibits these symptoms...RUN NOW!

The Stalker:

Have you ever started dating somebody and the next thing you know you're on a night out, and the girl you are dating is peering from a few booths away? "I don't have Ah gun...let alone many guns that would facilitate A rack." PSYCHO HOSE BEAST! "IF you aren't careful are going to lose me!" This chick doesn't look at your phone, she looks at your phone bill. This crazy bitch goes through the garbage in your car, and drives by your house when you are sleeping. This is the scariest bitch to break up with. Breaking up with her will involve not only ripping the wires out of your doorbell and watching her jump your fence, but also changing your cell phone number, and losing your roommates respect. They will pretend you are in a relationship even though you have only gone on two dates. This bitch literally thinks you are meant to be together and that you are the Sleepless in Portland. Tom Hanks is scared of her. RUN motherfucker RUN! I am sorry...sometimes it is too late. But your first warning is CRAZY EYES! If you can't see crazy eyes, then you are fucked. No pussy is THAT good for CRAZY EYES. Have fun...and always jimmy up.

The Bull:

When this bitch sees red....she goes crazy! Women LOVE to run shit, but when it comes to a point where she slaps you in the cock because you aren't doing something that she wants, RUN. This chick is destructive. She wants you to be in relationship jail or real jail so bad, you don't even know it! This is the bitch that punches herself in the face during a fight and blames it on you. It starts out with a push and a shove early on, then the next thing you know the cops are banging on your door. Guess who is going to jail? Not her! Better get ready to spend 36 hours in the cell before you can convince them she is a crazy ass ho. This shit happens more than you can imagine! My friend is a lesbian and had to deal with a crazy cunt like this. That's right two hot lesbians in a fight and one punches herself bloody and my innocent friend goes to jail. Crazy bitches are everywhere!

Miss Insecure:

The worst one of all! "What do you want to do?" "What do you think?" "Do you think I look okay tonight?" "Why haven't you said anything about my new bra I bought 6 months must think I have ugly boobs?" "We have been dating for two weeks and I haven't met your must be ashamed of me!" If you hear this line: "you hate me don't you" before a relationship has even blossomed, RUN THE FUCK OUT THE DOOR! There is normal chick insecurity, and then there is Miss Insecure. These chicks normally will bore you to death or turn into the Mini-You. Insecurity is not hot. Sack up already! It is time to meet a real woman who doesn't NEED somebody. Next thing you know...Miss Insecure turns into "Ooops I missed my period," and you have a Baby-Mama on your hands. Always pack your own Jimmy Hats.

There are so many different women...this vocabulary lesson will need to continue another time.

This blog YES...was meant to scare you. You can fuck whomever you want, just be careful of the repercussions. I encourage casual sex and casual dating. I only encourage those things so people can find what they really like, and what eventually will make them happy. Just because you are pushing 30 or 40, doesn't mean its time to play house. Be ready on your own clock...not somebody else's.

It takes a crazy chick to know a crazy chick. Watch out...they are getting pregnant with your eyes and you don't even know it yet.

Now go take a shot of whiskey, and make sure to pack your own Jimmys. Magnums I hope! :)

Special thank you to my girl L.S. for helping me edit...she is a so hot, smart, and not a crazy hose beast! :)