Friday, September 17, 2010

The leads are weak!? You’re weak.

Every man and woman should be getting fucked on a regular basis, regardless of your relationship status. If your significant other isn’t getting it done, or you have gone days in your single life without ...your little black book should be activated.

I am consistently shocked when my friends, especially women, complain about not getting laid. What the fuck is the problem? Haven’t you heard of a goddamn backup? Contingency plan? Plan B? Haven’t you been to a Karaoke bar or bowling recently? Who lets themselves go without? I would be a hot fucking mess if I didn’t have some rough sex and a stiff drink on a consistent basis.

Stop deleting phone numbers, even if the that fucking dumb cunt stopped calling you, or that douche bag fucked your friend instead…who knows when you will need a little pick me up? My phone and email contacts are filled more with booty calls than family, friends, and work…why isn’t yours?

I say each person should have at the VERY least a top ten dial-to-fuck. Number one being the most convenient and least committal. Number ten being a good shag, but only in desperate measures. Fuck, I have not only my top ten dial-to-fuck, but I also have dial-to-fucks in other cities and other countries, and just to be safe my AAA team. Literally, AAA team…cause they each know how to swing their goddamn stick.

There is no excuse for wining and crying about not having a porkfest. You should be able to pick up your fucking phone on a cold lonely night and have fun, commitment free, hot sweaty anal sex. If you are masturbating quite too often to porn or even more desperate True Blood…you need to take a long look at your contact list and start fucking dialing for nookie.

I know some of you may be pretty pathetic and haven’t been filling your little black book since grade school like I have, so here is a few tips to help.

- Prospecting isn’t just for sales people. Each time you are out getting a coffee, going for a quick run, shopping at the grocery store, or fucking getting your oil changed…make an attempt to get a goddamn email, facebook friend request, business card, or if you are a pimp…a cell phone number! Nobody says you need to have a fucking relationship…most of the time people want a drink and a roll in the hay.

- Start hitting up older friends, friendly exes, coworkers, acquaintance, your acquaintance exes, and if your really desperate social networking buddies. Just send friendly messages letting them know you are thinking about them…and keep their information! You never know when a few friendly messages could turn into a drink or fuck invite.

- Become overly friendly. Start building that cold call list of yours by randomly talking to that hot bitch waiting to pay her tab at the bar, or that hunky stud waiting for the bathroom. Random people in random places are more open to chat than in their social circle. Being bold and friendly gets you a free pass to fuck or get fucked in the face.

As soon as you start building a better prospecting list, start testing them out when you get home from the bar. Everybody knows when they are getting booty called; the ones that respond are keepers!

Stop deleting numbers, and keep a top ten dial-to-fuck list in your phone, on your desktop, or posted on your fucking bathroom mirror. There is no excuse for this behavior…sex is meant to be fun…not dramatic and about commitment. Barf.

I think I will rummage through the ole black book tonight and give a few out. Friends do share ya know.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Hangin' out the passenger side of his best friend's ride…

Not only have men these days become giant vaginas and can’t even give their own car an oil change, but also in today’s economy they can’t even afford fucking car insurance.

Would you date a guy without a job…or worse without any money?

To be fair, it is tough to find a job right now, and even guys with huge swinging cocks are getting laid off. Do those guys really expect to get a date or laid for that matter?

I am such a drunk, that sometimes I don’t even care what the fuck a dude does for a living, as long as he can afford to buy me a stiff drink. Dating is all about entertainment, drinks, food, and sex…and you can’t get any of those for free. It still amazes me when a grown ass man thinks he can fuck a bitch without even taking her for cheap happy hour! Where have all the real men gone? Is Donald Draper the only one left?

Most of the chicks I know have their own jobs, make their own goddamn money…but still expect a man to treat her like a lady. Broke ass motherfuckers need not apply! If you don’t have cash to pay for at least part of the bill, don’t expect to fucking get laid. Even if you have good looks and charm, women aren’t stupid and can spot a scrub a mile away. It seems like there are more lazy dudes out there riding in their friends Mercedes, pretending to have something they don’t. We know you take public transportation you douche, and no…we won’t give you a ride home after our date!

Even men need to start having financial dating standards. Who wants to take a broke bitch out who can’t even pay for tampons? What…you can’t take your clothes off to make ends meet? At least a fucking stripper or a whore has more class than that dumb bitch. I would rather have my bills paid and suck a dick for money than wonder around like a hopeless cunt. Women like this are STILL getting “accidentally” knocked up so they don’t have to work. Pussy is not that magical for you to not wear a condom or believe she really takes the pill.

I am not a woman who has ever really been about dating men with money, but as I get older, I realize it is a very good quality. I BEG TO ALL OF YOU…Please stop enabling these dumb ass people! If a dude can’t buy you a drink, do you think he deserves a blowjob? If a dumb bitch doesn’t have a job and has three hungry kids at home, do you really think she just wants to have sex and no relationship? Wake the fuck up! Dating is about having a good time and not being talked into paying someone’s cable bill.

Ladies! That being said, if you have a rare moment when a guy buys you a steak dinner and you don’t give him road head…I will personally find you and throw human feces on your dirty slut face. Just like you deserve.

Now…who is taking me for a whiskey tonight? I am feeling a little mouthy if you know what I mean.