Chlamydia is not the Latin name for a flower!

Unlike a flower nobody picks Chlamydia. There are no poems about stopping to smell the Chlamydia. But that doesn't mean you won't get handed a bouquet of Chlamydia at the door on a first date.

Honesty and flattery will get you everywhere, and lying about your inflamed labia will get you nowhere. Who the fuck decided it was ever a good idea to just pretend you don’t have an STD? Fucking selfish mother fucking assholes is who!

Lets be honest, guys aren’t as obsessed with what is going on with their junk, just what they can do with their junk. Just because it burns like hell during urination, doesn't mean he won’t put that fire out with your vag water. Most men are so fucking clueless. And the ones that aren't clueless are fucking assholes. And the ones that are clueless are clueless fucking assholes.

Gentlemen...its time to be gentle and be a man. There is no acceptable excuse for rubbing your diseased cock on another human being. You know if you are guilty of this crime. I hope you feel guilty every time you jerk off, look in the mirror, look in the mirror while jerking off, and then cry while you wear women’s underwear. Tell the bitch. Then wear a rubber. Actually wear two. Thanks.

Women on the other hand are much more in tune with their bodies and seem to have their shit under control. It is those drunken one-night stands or cheating fucking partners that normally fuck it up. Yet there are those lying skanky ho’s out there that enjoy spreading the love...only they are doing it after you pay for a lap dance or when you agree to meet her out behind the greyhound bus station.

As my readers know I very much think that casual sex is a truly important part of any adult’s life. I believe that getting randy as much as possible and a good clump of tapioca balls in your hair is rewarding. BUT…lets all be fucking grown ups here…. to take that shot or to get it straight in the ass without protection, you better be fucking damn sure you have had the “talk”.

The “talk” can happen the first time you meet a dude at Mardi Gras in a bathroom stall, on a first or third date, or right up front before you agree to meet after chatting on eHarmony.

If you are going to have unprotected sex there is much more to worry about then just taking the morning after pill. Yes. This can be a little embarrassing, and maybe ruin the mood, and even the relationship…but it is much better then being Magic Johnson or Paris Hilton.

Have the "talk" goddamn it! Open your fucking mouth and be responsible. Speaking of opening your dirty cock hole mouth…yes you can get an STD from oral sex. Fun stuff isn’t it!

So many people are reckless and act like it would never happen to them, or if it did happen to them…they live in denial and give the gift that keeps on giving. That is why I call this Regifting. This isn’t a white elephant party people. This isn’t that fucking same back massager that continues to show up at the same holiday party every year. Regifting is when you are an irresponsible whore who doesn’t take the time to be an honest humane being.

Be an adult and be responsible. Every person, man and woman, should be getting an annual visit to the doctor and ask for the full screen - even if you are in a committed relationship. You never know when one might step out of the relationship once in awhile, or even live in denial. Always know what is going on with your body, especially if you are a fun girl, (cough: whore!) like me.

According to Livestrong.com if you are infected…you aren't alone:

One in five people in the United States has an STD.

Cervical cancer in women is linked to HPV.

Hepatitis B is 100 times more infectious than HIV.

One in five Americans has genital herpes, yet 90 percent of those with herpes are unaware they have it.

At least one in four Americans will contract an STD at some point in their lives.

HPV and Chlamydia are the most common STDs in the United States.

Less than half of adults ages 18 to 44 have ever been tested for an STD other than HIV/AIDS.

At least 15 percent of all infertile American women are infertile because of tubal damage caused by pelvic inflammatory disease (PID), the result of an untreated STD.

Two-thirds of Hepatitis B (HBV) infections are transmitted sexually. HBV is linked to chronic liver disease, including cirrhosis and liver cancer.



Its lax, selfish attitudes toward sexual health that have caused this huge surge in STDs and just because it’s become so common doesn’t mean it isn't a big fucking deal! I don’t know about you, but I would rather save my life than worry about being fucking embarrassed.

This DOSEN’T mean don’t have sex or limit your sex, GOD, you will turn into fucking Kirstie Alley or Andy Dick.

What I am saying is FUCK SAFE and don’t be a fucking asshole. If somebody fucks you over, report him or her to the Department of Health and Humane Services. Fuck them…it is against the law for you NOT to tell your doctor if you know who gave you an STD.

Now that I ripped you a new asshole, with a condom of course, let it heal up for a day or two...and this weekend get fucking laid. Just don’t be fucking dumb. As the Wu-Tang would say, "PROTECT YA NECK!!!"

Well the Broad says... Protect ya neck, throat, mouth, vag, cock, balls, ass, and taint. Cuz ain't nobody gonna protect it for you!

And speaking of throat...I could use a little something in it.

Any suggestions?

Nuts aren’t a right, they are a privilege.

If I wanted to swap cum with a womanly man, why wouldn’t I just fuck a woman? Women smell nice, have a soft vag and are always great kissers. I love the gay boys; I just have no tolerance for a bitchy man.

If you aren’t trying to fuck her on the first date, you might be a pussy without the hair.

Exfoliate or masturbate? If you have to ask which is more important in the shower, you would qualify for Paris Hiltons My New BFF.

If you work out and spray tan more than you lick box, you might be the next Danny Bonaduce.

What has happened to the nature of a manly man? Have European shoulder bags and too many boy bands changed the newer generation of dudes? The world is expected to evolve for another 1.5 billion years, and at this rate, you won’t know which is a guy or a girl on The Rock of Love. Lord knows fucking Brett Michaels will have found the secret to never ending youth, and STILL be looking for “the one”. The worst of all…Ryan Seacrest will be hosting Galaxy Idol.

A lot of women already have their own male assistant (aka man secretary), and you can’t find a descent guy with facial hair over 6’2”. What most women want is a guy who can put her in her place, spank her ass with some strength, and NOT wear more jewelry than she does.

If you think something you do is a little girly, YES, hide that from us women. Men are supposed to be protectors, stronger than us, and mentally ready to take shit at any given notice. I am sorry...you have NEVER shot a gun in your life? You don’t know how to throw a punch? What the fuck! I would punch a dude in the fucking forehead just for that shit alone!

These fucking Nancy’s love to go after my ho train. My friends think I am a bully. Well, I guess I am, to weak men. Living in Portland OR is almost as bad as living in fucking So Cal these days. At least in So Cal the guy’s surf and fuck like rabbits! Christ…surfers in OR have to wear a goddamn wetsuit, and are usually packing more of a beer belly than anything else.

I cannot stand a fucking weak dude. I have what I like to call “tuckdar”. That’s right; men who should just stay home and play tuck and hide. I seem to find those mother fuckers wherever I go. Sometimes I worry these guys might actually like my cunty mouth, instead of my blonde hair and big tits. It never ends…the short guy at the bar that tears up every time I make fun of his popped collar. The thirty-year-old metal head that tried to hit me because I made fun of him for still living with his mother and getting an allowance. The slimy fuck in the suit I called out for owning a tanning bed and wearing a v-neck shirt, that’s right…he called me a dyke. I am not a dyke, but I am likely to get more pussy than he does.

A few tips to fucking manning up:

1. Watch the movie Hooper. It might inspire you to grow real man facial hair and drive a muscle car.

2. Own a pair of boots. Strap on some big yummy motorcycle, cowboy, or combat boots. It makes you instantly manlier.

3. Less is more! Women don’t mind men wearing accessories, but just don’t go overboard. Scarves are borderline; you must be good looking or be well put together to wear a scarf for fuck sake!

4. If you don’t like sports…be into something competitive. A lot of women I know LOVE sports, or a little healthy competition. It gets our blood boiling, and I mean the fire down below.

5. Drive a fucking car already! There is nothing more pathetic then a guy who can’t pick you up on a date because he claims he is being “green”! In actuality he is either broke or has had too many fucking DUI’s.

6. Fewer words and more eye contact. Fucking girly dudes always seem to fuck up their mouth and say shit that make us roll our eyes. Think before you speak, and normally speak more with your eyes.

7. Be a dick once in awhile. Put us bitches in our place. I KNOW I have had sex with more men that have told me to shut my mouth than those ball baby guitar players.

8. Be gentlemen. Have manners, and remember what your mother taught you!

9. Always go for the tang. Still be a gentleman, but let us know how much you want to lick our taint and our snatch.

10. Last but not least, if all else fails. Ignore us…that will drive us women CRAZY!

Please take note that the real manly men, are few and far between. Can’t you tell it is a dying breed? Most of them only exist in Coors Banquet commercials and the movie 300. If you can prove to us chicks that you are a real man, she will take a seat between your eyebrows and your chin.

GOD…I am about as manly as they get, I want to go see if I can lick my own taint. If I end up growing a mustache after this, you owe me a bottle of Pendleton fuck stain.

“Honey!…I’m going down to the club for a few swings…”

Maybe Tiger could have saved everything if he would have told his wife what he ACTUALLY meant when he said that.

Yes, you can separate sex from love.

Tiger and Jesse James should take some advice from Mo’Nique. That’s right…she isn’t as precious as one might think. With her open marriage, Mo’Nique claims that being honest means letting her husband fuck whatever skinny bitches he wants and she can go on having hairy man legs. Which leads us to the topic of this week:

Can having an open relationship or marriage be the way to go?

You would be surprised how many people think so. Straight, gay, or bi…curiosity about open relationships can stay at jerking off to the girl at work or move to sitting on your barista’s face. Similar to ones genitals, I think each person is built in their own special fucked up way. Just like your clit is oversized or your parents decided not to circumsize you, one could also grow up to think that bringing home a third wheel is a good idea to spice things up. Sort of like a real life plastic fuck doll with…

“Sucking action and life like moans!!!”

My policy…Stop fucking judging, you bitch!

You think you know what a perfect relationship is all about? Go fuck yourself and then go fuck someone else. Maybe if you stopped playing “keep up with the Jones’” for one minute you’d realize that Mr. Jones is actually fucking his trainer…who is a man. Life isn’t all about driving a Lexus and blow jobs on his birthday, it is about mutual respect for your partner and finding out what makes shit work – whatever that means for two people, or three for that matter.

Like a monogamous relationship, open relationships have just as many rules. Just because you get to lick a stewardess’ asshole on your business trip and come home and chat about it while brushing your teeth…doesn’t mean there aren’t fucking boundaries. Yes, there are expectations, even for swingers… Isn’t life fucking grand?

I DID believe that individuals in open relationships can separate love from sex, until I learned of Polyamory (meaning many loves...not LOVERS). Poly’s are a type of open relationship community where individuals are with more than one person not for the act of sex, but to get more out of love and affection. They believe they are a responsible acceptable non-monogamous community. The Poly way of life is to have all your needs met emotionally and intimately, while developing strong life lasting relationships and families.

Yeah that sounds nice but then I’d have to care about them. That is just what I need, to deal with two fucking jerk offs not meeting my needs so why not go find a third? If it were me I would rather get fucked by all three and have them keep their goddamn whiskey traps shut.

Can you fucking imagine being in a relationship with multiple women with their goddamn PMS? Christ!

No thank you!

If you’re a Poly you need a best friend, life coach, and a partner and there’s no recreational sex in that open relationship. Boo!

I would say sign me up for the swinging...

Those old, fat, ugly, sweaty people, standing around in a circle waiting for their turn in a dark basement room that smells like budussy and incense…WRONG!!! Goddamn your asshole is tight!

A lot of swingers are very nice. Very attractive. Very Sexy. And very professional. That’s why at the nice places they make you sign like a thousand non-disclosure forms before you come in.

I love the Swingers.

Swinging is different from Polyamory because this open relationship is purely for the recreation of sex, not for multiple emotional connections. Swingers are a community of people who love to fuck, or as they say, “play”. And they may just have shit right. Not only do they host the greatest parties, but they also have a strict code of rules that this community truly believes in and follows.

One rule that I think rocks is No…ACTUALLY MEANS NO!

For example say a couple comes up and asks you to participate, come over, whatever…You say no. That’s it. They truly respect your wishes. In the swinger setting there’s no Guido wearing Ed Hardy hitting on you at the bar all night long trying to get you to guess the nickname of his penis. That fucking shit doesn’t happen in the world of swinging. And that what makes a swingers club a more preferable destination to most bars! You will have more fun with a group of swingers that respect your wishes and safety than having to worry about letting your cocktail out of your site.

The swinging community can be hosted between small groups, large private parties, or at clubs. No matter what it is, this is very much a community that believes in people having pleasure, respecting boundaries, and most of all being safe! Not to mention they are rolling in the fucking dough! How great would it be if you could prevent cheating, lying, and divorce with a threesome?

You will see very few singles as swingers, as it is mostly a couple activity. This community truly believes that sex and love are two separate things, and that having a loving relationship is a great thing. Swingers care more about being happy…whatever that means for somebody. Which is why they won’t judge you for wanting to be in a committed relationship with one person for the rest of your life. Swingers like to play…and they’re probably happier and more committed to each other than the Jones' ever could be.

Swingers CAN separate sex from love! This task which most friends I know cannot do, where I find it so simple. This may be why guys have to lie to women to get them to fuck them, which maybe one of the reasons why women think most guys are pigs. If you’d just put out to begin with you could avoid that whole problem. Your pussy isn't fucking hat magical!

YOU can separate sex from love. But you probably never will because you’re scared it makes you abnormal or a fucking whore.

Sex is sex…and love is love.

And humans are the only animals truly capable of both. Stop waiting for love before sex. DUMB DUMB DUMB!

I get so fucking sick of people being so pretentious and thinking every kiss, or every fuck is about love. Life isn’t a Danielle Steele novel. Grow the fuck up already! Haven't you been in love? Love is PAIN about 99% of the time, CHRIST!

If you want to be in love to have sex…go for it. Just don’t complain to me how you only get laid once a year. If you are not happy about how much you are getting laid and you have needs, desires, and fantasies…For God’s sake act on them! You were given a taint for a reason.


A lot of people I personally know are so scared to open their minds…and their legs. Nobody wrote the official rules on love and sexytime. Be the author of your own fucking life, if you need an editor once in awhile, that is what I’m here for!

Just always remember you are the owner, creator and director of the film of your life. Do you really want it to be a Disney movie? Or would you rather it turned out more like Boogie Nights… So pick up a pencil, or something a little more girthy, and start writing some excitement into your life…start this weekend. And remember the swingers as your mentors. You don't have to fuck in a group, just try to live your fantasy for once!

“We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.”


I wonder who said that...

Got your Irish Whiskey ready bitches?

You want me to do WHAT? And then PEE on you?

I was sitting at the office chatting with peers about a Hot Carl…and the conversation blossomed.

Shocking.

Not only did we get graphic and giggle about the act of a hot carl, but also we started to google more information and it quickly got me on fire. The deeper I dug the more excited I become reading about these fucked up fetishes.

I guess I can’t help it. For some strange reason I find fetishes very interesting. The simple thought of who these individuals might be, makes me feel like a modern lady Sherlock Holmes. “It’s elementary my dear Watson…and speaking of… put on this school girl uniform and spank me with this eraser while you spoon feed me pudding…”

Yes I am looking at you. Why? Because I’m wondering if you’re one of the people in the office that likes to strangle themselves while masturbating. Or are you my friend that plays the up-tight conservative by day but your nights are filled with ball gags, bondage tape, and gangbangs? Its just exciting to play pretend, I mean...uh…I could only assume.

Look at your boss. Now imagine him/her hanging from the ceiling by hooks in their back with electrodes on nipples, body convulsing as current pulses though and then relaxes. Pulses through, body clenched…and then relaxed…dangling three feet off the ground…from hooks in their skin.

My policy: Don’t judge. You don’t know until you try.

But where I can see some possible enjoyment in the creative bondage arts, like dangling from hooks, there are some fetishes that are just so fucked up you really should be ashamed of yourself for not knowing.

Carled… or Coprophilia. The tasty sex maneuver where somebody takes a shit on their partners face. There’s also a Warm Carl where somebody takes a shit on their partners face while they have plastic wrap suffocating them. And finally a Cold Carl…where one partner lies underneath a glass table while watching the other shit on the table. Now…I am a freaky whore, but that shit (no pun intended) is totally fucking WAK! I don’t even like to shit myself let alone watch somebody else. I can’t even change a dirty diaper! When my nieces were babies…and I had to untape that nasty saggy over sized maxi pad to find surprises that should be kept unseen…YUCK!

Speaking of diapers…there is not only a fetish of grown adults who get off on wearing a diaper…but there is another fetish where people like to act out as a baby. The individuals who wear just the diapers and aren’t into the act of being a baby are called Diaper Lovers or DL. The individuals who like to wear diapers and get off on acting and dressing like an infant are called Adult Babies or AB, or sometimes referred as DL/AB. Creative huh?


These people seriously do the whole bit...”Ma Ma! MaMa! I’m wet.” (Newsflash readers… I am not)

But if you’re looking for a way to score a little extra cash during these lean times… there are people who make a lot of money by customizing adult baby attire and diapers. You can buy grown adult rattles, pacifiers, diapers, onesies, bonnets, and even bottles. You can also buy slim diapers that you can wear to work underneath your professional attire…NO FUCKING JOKE! Don’t you think this will make you look at men in suits a bit differently? And don’t get this fetish wrong… Paraphilic Infantilism is not about eroticizing babies. Its about grown people dressing up as babies, acting like a babies and pissing themselves cuz that is apparently totally fucking HOT!

Equally unsexy is this one straight from the nasty back allies of Tokyo called Omorashi. Which is when somebody loses control of their bladder and it turns into a live porn act for these twisted pole strokers. The biggest and hottest thing is when professional females or schoolgirls get all dressed up and then piss themselves. Shit! These crazy fucks need to hang out with me for just a few hours. I piss myself more than anybody I know! At $200 a pop and all the free booze I can drink I could clear like $2200 a day.

Ever been turned on by your friend’s hair….while holding it as she is barfing over the toilet? You have Emetophilia. This fetish is when somebody vomiting sexually arouses people. If your guy gets off on this he was probably a date-rapist in college. DON’T LET YOUR DRINK OUT OF YOUR SIGHT! Have you seen two girls one cup? Than enough said. I gagged my ass off when I saw that porn…but you know motherfuckers are rubbin one out to that shit on a regular basis. If you have this fetish, you need to call me! I got a gang of bitches that puke and rally like you have never seen before. FUCK…so good…I think we need a goddamn Olympic Team!

I have a friend that takes Ambien, sometimes before she has sex, and blacks out. This chick will come home, have a normal mom jeans type of evening, and the last thing she remembers before waking up nude with her ass sticking to a wet spot on the sheets, is taking that fucking pill! She doesn’t remember anything. Was she awake? Was she sleeping? Hubby says she was awake but maybe he’s covering up a fetish called Somnophilia, or being turned on by people who are passed out or sleeping.

Have you ever woken up to the person from the night before lying next to you just staring completely awake? Yep, you have. Nasty motherfucking people. UGH. I would be pissed to wake up with a facial I didn’t ask for…how annoying!


SICK MOTHER FUCKERS. I can’t judge. I am not a goddamn peach myself. I sat here for days and days digging through the greatest fetishes ever, totally entertained. I honestly can see how some of them can turn from funny, to interesting, to borderline tempting. I may be a sick fuck, but at least I don’t find it sexy to screw dead people…Necrophilia I think is grounds for a goddamn padded room. If you want to have sex like that…just bang a bitch under 21 who can’t parallel park downtown on a Saturday night. I am SURE it is pretty damn close.

What has this fucking world come to? I MEAN REALLY….there’s this one fucked up fetish called Coprolalia, where fucking people get fucking turned on by using fucking profane fucking language! FUCK! Those motherfuckers might be my soul mate.

And you thought the swearing in my blog was all for you…mmmmmmm. Go find your own fetish.

Whiskey………Check.

Paddle…Check.

Video Camera………Better luck next time.

Fuck Happily Ever After!

Next time you see your therapist, tell them to send the bill to Michael Eisner.

When you were a little girl, you thought that Snow White, Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella were ideal women. You would dream about wearing a tiara and gowns, and doing anything to find your prince. In fact the whole purpose of being a princess was ONLY because that is how you would find a prince.

There’s a reason why you never hear little girls saying they would like to be princesses so they can help feed the hungry and fight homelessness.

In a lot of my blogs I blame Disney for creating clouds. Sparkly La La Land clouds that fog the minds of American girls and women still to this day. I mean these Princess Disney bitches are always fucking victims. Cartoons, yes, but with real world consequence, e.g. the friend of yours that is constantly in relationships where she is mistreated by a self-centered asshole. NEWS FLASH! Guys would stop treating us like dicks if we stop letting them get away with it. But these fucking Disney movies teach girls that is OK to be treated that way.

Come on already!

Why are all these chicks borderline schizophrenic. How many people do you know have best friends that are crabs, seagulls, and mice? Yes…get your romantic advice from a damn gay dwarf who has never met a woman and lives with 6 other men, like he really knows what he is talking about! If the dumb bitch wasn’t a fucking martyr all the time, then maybe she would have normal mermaid friends or stepsisters that didn’t try to have her killed.

How old are these characters anyway? Don’t most of them live at home? Does anybody remember that Pocahontas was only 12 and John Smith was 28? Have these bitches even had a period yet? You never see a Disney Princess learning to deal with birth control, talk about PMS, or the fact that this prince of hers might infect her with an STD! Or what it means to get dumped or find out your boyfriend is fucking groupies.

It’s sex education Disney style! Which is probably why so many women I know feel like they need to shit out a kid in order to be happy….And why many of men I know wish they would have packed their own jimmy hats for the party.

Where is the mother, or should I say Queen during all this? OH!!!…that’s right, these Disney Princesses hardly ever have a mother! Think back to all the fucking royal ladies you used to wish to become, their Mother wasn’t in their life for one reason or another. These beauties normally lived to help their fathers, and went from one man running her life to another. No wonder these bitches are so fucked up!

(You realize you’ve been watching these examples of how to live since you were like 4 years old, right?)

Belle lived to protect her father who was always publicly criticized. Both of Cinderella’s parents died, leaving her to a wicked stepmother and a few Sasquatch stepsisters. Ariel had no mer-mom just the king of the sea to tell her how to live.

Life isn’t complete for these adolescent slut characters until they have met their prince. The whole time these young ladies are going through life dreaming of getting out of the house and meeting the man of their dreams. You never see these beauties dreaming of becoming a teacher, doctor, or powerful and professional sex symbol that just might play the field.

Great idea…lets teach our kids that you MUST be married at 17 and 18…look how well that has worked for bitches in the past. Who needs college, when a hairy beast man that yells at you owns a library? Why settle for Mr. Right Now when you can hold out for that prince! Who cares that he is going to sleep with half of the help in the castle and make you walk around on egg shells the rest of your life. You will forgive him because he gave you glass slippers.

What really got me fucking fired up about this shit was being forced to watch Beauty and the Beast. This movie should teach young girls what NOT to get involved in. This goddamn tale should be a lesson in how fucking emotionally and physically abusive people can be. Only Meatloaf would “do anything for love”, not a dude that looks like a fucking hairy line backer who shows you his goddamn teeth! If you haven’t seen this flick or need a refresher, basically Belle leaves her motherless household with no high school diploma, gets TRAPPED into living in a dark scary castle, and allows herself to be manipulated into believing that the man running the place will change. All the poor fucking servants are so scared that they plead and beg her not to irritate him, because he has a temper. Belle lives in a dream world where she truly does believe he will change his abusive ways. He screams at her, throws shit at her, locks her in her room for days without food, and then says he is so sorry and begs for forgiveness many times. That sweet gentle Belle takes the abusive loser back every time.

Sound like any of your girlfriends? Yeah, thank Walt for that one. Just because at the end of the story he turns into a handsome prince doesn’t mean he isn’t still a beast.

I am not trying to be a fucking feminist here, because you all know I prefer a strong hairy beefcake of a man. What I want to make clear is almost every female character in these Disney movies is insecure and self destructive. I would rather hang out with an ugly stripper with daddy issues any day before hanging out with Princess Jasmine. I think it is drilled into many women’s heads that they need to find that prince who is made for them, or you know…the one! Men aren’t perfect. Men don’t run around in tights and ruffled shirts with swords…unless they are some fucking nerd at a renaissance fair who probably has herpes.

If they could JUST show Pocahontas working in a casino and discovering she is married to a drug dealer, or seeing Ariel go get plastic surgery after her fucking divorce so she can have her fin back. Or maybe they could show a therapist tell Snow White she has a deviant sex addiction. Seven small dudes and her in one house, if that story isn’t the most fucked…I don’t know what is.

HAPPILY EVER AFTER NEVER HAPPENS! Get the fuck over yourself baby girl! It is never going to happen! Pretty Woman sums it up perfectly “Who does it work for?” “Cinderfuckinrella!” You aren’t going to be saved and woken up someday by a kiss, unless it is after a few too many martinis and you need mouth to mouth after trying to give a blowjob in a hot tub!

FACT: You are going to get zits, wrinkles, stretch marks, or gain 10 pounds, and eventually you’ll stop asking the mirror who is the fairest of all. You won’t always be beautiful, and you will never be perfect. People will cheat, people will die, people will make your pee burn, and you may think you have met the person of your “dreams” - but you will wake up to find they aren’t so good and they make you want to poke your fucking eyes out. Been there, done that.

If you keep living in a fantasy world seeking the person you are “supposed” to be with, you will end up chasing that dream forever. Take a good look at yourself and what really makes you happy. Find somebody who meets those needs, find somebody who lets you be YOU, and doesn’t treat you like shit. Let your guard down and let life happen to you. In other words go SOW YOUR GOD DAMN OATS! You’ll be surprised how life will work out if you let it.

Life is a lot more interesting and lot more real when you aren’t waiting for the magic carpet to come swoop you up…Although a hookah and a Middle Eastern guy are found pretty easily and that just might hit the spot. (You’ll never know if you like it unless you try it.)

So get off your high horse Cinderella…and get off on someone’s horse cock. There’s no prince coming for you, but you can start cumming for yourself.Take two shots of whiskey princess, lose your panties…and let me know how you feel in the morning.

There Is Nothing MORE Satisfying Than Happy Hour Tube Steak

Who doesn't like a big slab of fucking juicy meat? It is like a home cooked meal, or splurging on carbs and cheese - just hits you in the right spot.

Ladies, do you know that when you walk into a crowded room, at least 50% of those people will want to fuck you? Yes. It’s like happy hour and, everywhere you go, meat is on the menu. Mostly tube steak but in a big room there’s usually 1 or 2 dumb bisexual hobbyists who, after a few white wine spritzers, will be grabbing at your boobs.

Every man in the world stays up late at night dreaming (jerking off) about the situation you, as a woman, find yourself in daily.

TAKE ADVANTAGE!!!

I HATE it when women talk about how they can't get laid, or find a date. THERE IS A DIFFERENCE bitches!

Um...excuse me? Have you even fucking tried?

It is called lipstick and high heels. Women always forget that men don't care about feelings. They don't feel like they need a goddamn connection to have sex. PICKY PICKY! How about, he is HOT and interested?

But...

There is a difference between quality cock-n-balls and the awkward dick. I am not saying, "go fuck the first guy in the bar," but here are a few key tips that have proven successful.

- Freshly been fucked...

For some reason this phrase seems to be written on your forehead. When it rains it pours...and in a good way! When you are getting ass, it is like dudes sense it. My proudest ass phases are when I am getting the pick of the litter, and usually more than one at a time. This also happens when you are in a relationship. You get more ass offers than ever!

So, how do you get the attention even if you haven't been getting laid? This is a trick I call, "elevator music." Minutes before you walk into the swarm of people, pop a sexy CD in your car stereo. Something upbeat and HOT. Something that makes you think of a sexy moment you have had in the past, maybe it was in an elevator? Something naughty, hot, and made you feel like a woman. It could've even been in a damn janitor's closet! Whatever! Put on a hot CD, I recommend Portishead, Def Leopard, Pantera, or pretty much anything they play at a strip club. I guarantee that when you think of that hot moment while you are listening to that body rockin' song...you will walk into that bar like you have been freshly fucked.


- Built for comfort not for speed!

Ever gone to a show, or a bar and felt overdressed? Have you ever wished you could go home and change because you feel like your shit's too tight and you look like a hooker? Well, most likely that makes you come across as one insecure bitch. Even if you are a dope broad like myself, you are going to be pulling on straps, adjusting the girls, and after awhile you won't take your coat off. Finally, you will look like a stiff.

When you go shopping, and you try something on, don't buy it unless YOU LOVE IT...and it fits! Always consider how an outfit will get you laid. That is what I do everyday! I have written about this before, I know. Just try to be sexy. Sexiness doesn't mean wearing a pair of hooker shoes you can't walk in...or a strappy Mariah Carey dress. (Ewwww. BTW) If you are more worried about your outfit than making sex eyes with the hottie with the great smile...you are going to grow cobwebs in your snatch!

Over or under dressed? Really bitches? I should NOT have to tell you that your Nike's with the Plus system in the damn martini bar is a bad idea! Or maybe you shouldn't be wearing a borderline prom dress at a punk show?

Dress appropriately!

Not only because if you don't, you will look like a dumb bitch, but you will also feel out of place.

Guess what happens when you feel like the dumbest girl in the bar? You are. And you most likely will feel insecure and won't get laid. Well...I take that back. You will get laid...but not by the adorable Sam Worthington look alike, more like the fat Luke Wilson. Icky.


- Funbags and Funjugs!

Can you have fun already? Who wants to talk to the girl in the corner looking like Jennifer Grey? Come on Baby...have a little fun and let loose! Be that happy medium. Don't get wasted and go home with Whiskey Dick, or your Ex-boyfriend. Have fun with the people around you. Happy fun people attract happy fun people. Put your damn phone down, and stop texting people that AREN'T there! Nobody likes Debbie Downer...

PEOPLE would rather hang out with Debbie DOES Dallas!

Smile! Do you know how much more beautiful you are when you smile and have charisma? Somebody told me that when you smile and are happy, you sparkle! Sparkle already! There is something sexy about a girl who is having fun and smiling. Don't be so serious. If you a bummer, you are going to end up sleeping with grumpy Mr. Men's Warehouse with the Martini who keeps yelling at the bartender about his ex-wife. No way Jose!


- Eye fuck like you could be going blind!

You likey....you looky!

Nothing says I think you are hot and I want to lick your nut sack like a sexy glance. Little things like that invite him to talk to you, or gets you up off of your ass to talk to him. When you go up to the bar, or go to the bathroom, purposely walk by his table and look right at him and smile. When you are talking to your present company, casually flip your hair and look at him at the same time. Be aggressive with your eye contact but DON'T look at him like a Kathy Bates in Misery...look at him with soft fuck me eyes. Talk about him at the table. Yes, if you and your friends are talking about how damn hot he is, he will notice! When you look at him, don't think about how cute your babies would be together, think of how you want his unborn babies on your chest.


- FLIRT your ass off!

I am not about to teach anybody how to flirt. I think each one of us need to use the strengths in our personality for flirting. What makes you interesting? What makes him interesting? If he hasn't come to you yet, after your Carmen Electra hair flip, then be aggressive and go do one thing. Compliment him. Do it while you are getting a drink, or while he isn't in conversation. The key to the first flirt attempt is a compliment that leaves him wondering. Guys do this...and they always do it wrong (UM...you say I have nice earrings but you are looking at my tits...VERY subtle dumb ass). Men like to be complimented, but only do it ONCE! Don't give him more than one compliment right away; it makes them think they don't need to work at trying to win you over. I always go for something like, "you have a really nice smile, or voice, or eyelashes, shirt, facial hair, etc." Use something that is not too sexual right away. Remember, this is first flirt attempt. Then LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE!


- DO NOT LINGER!

What is the trick to ALL OF THIS?

As soon as you complete these steps, go away, but be in his view. After the ice breaks and the puppy gets fed his compliment, he will come to you. Make sure you have fun, but glance once or twice, because I promise he is looking. If he doesn't come up to you by the time you want to leave, be brave and go give him your number. I like to take a pen and physically write it on a dude's hand. So elementary, but you get to:


1. See what their hands look like (for another blog).

2. Physically touch them (you want to check out what’s going to be petting the kitty).

3. They'll actually look at it in the morning, unlike your stupid business card! If he doesn't call...he is either a jack ass, gay…or has a girlfriend (or all three).



So Lets Recap Ladies:

1. Scorpions: "Rock you like a Hurricane" in the car. Think of that bad girl hot time ON his Jeep...not in his Jeep.

2. Wear something that makes you feel sexy and sassy! Don't be a dumb cunt and wear rhinestones at a dive bar. Or worse, the towney bar.

3. Smile and have a good time! Regardless if you are trying to get laid or not, you are also there to have fun with your friends! Don't be a damn douche! Have fun, be happy and the ass will take care of itself.

4. Make those lashes eye fuck! Don't be Rodney Dangerfield...be Bettie Page!

5. Make him feel good about himself and don't even tell him your name! "I just had to tell you how much I LOVE your Molly Hatchet T-Shirt. Looks SOOOO great on you!" Then smile+fuck me eyes and walk away.

6. Enjoy the rest of your night. Regardless if he comes to you or not, some other dude has been eyeing your tricks the entire time and will gladly give you every inch of his attention.


God DAMN I’m sweating! Good thing I’m not wearing any panties.

NOW…Who’s buying me a shot? I would prefer Pendleton.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly Relationship.

If all your friends think your boyfriend is a fucking douche bag...chances are, he's a fucking douche bag.

Have you had a friend, or maybe you’ve reached a state of emotional maturity where you can look back on your own life, and say, "I was living in fucking La La Land"? Well, I have personally been there, and I currently witness it daily. Why do women dream up that their douche bag BF is perfect for them?

Are you so worried about being alone that your "single goggles” turn the tool in the BMW and Ed Hardy shirt into Mr. Right? Then your girlfriends are like, “That guy’s a piece of shit,” and you spend the rest of your relationship being obsessed with making your friends like your lame boyfriend? Hello...open your eyes!


UGH! There’s nothing more annoying than when your obsessing friend brings her douche bag around, especially when IT wasn't invited! I mean it takes time to prep yourself to be forced to sit next to this guy, and then the whole time your friend has hearts shooting out of her eyes. GAG ME!

Sometimes the smartest, wisest chick you know ends up in this challenging position.

Why do women feel the need to be treated like shit?

I divide these kinds of females into two types of bitches: The Desperate and The Social Hierarchy. Now not all women are in these categories, but any woman can fall in at anytime during her life. If you are in…you CAN get out. But in order to get out you must be able to recognize the symptoms. Let’s dissect the first specimen.

The Desperate:

This woman believes that there really is "the one." She believes that someday a man on a fucking white stallion will swoop into town and grab her up in his arms and make her the hap-hap-happiest girl in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD(…of fucking Disney). This chick dreams about a big fucking wedding, the white picket fence, turkey and babies in the oven. She thinks that having these things really means you made it in life.

She also has the WORST time breaking up with somebody because she second guesses herself. "Maybe he was supposed to be the one and I fucked it up?"

Sister, if he was the fucking one, he wouldn't have cheated on you, or mentally or physically abused you in public! (Or in private without the use of a safe word.)

Give me a fucking break!

This is the friend that always lingers on these break-ups like a fucking World War. You know, the chick you are telling the same fucking advice over and over again, and she doesn't listen to you! She continues to get sucked in to the same lame bullshit. What she doesn't understand is: He likes having this control over you...breaking up and then winning you back. DUH...it is great for his ego! HE WILL NEVER EVER EVER change, no matter how much therapy he gets!

This is the friend that truly is wonderful and beautiful on the inside and out. This chick is one of those friends that just loves everybody more than herself. She is so great and innocent, that this douche bag was able to suck her into his drama. Worse, she feels like she needs to make HIM happy...like she does for everybody else.

What makes her desperate? She is so obsessed with making this fucker happy and the lame relationship work, that she will not only put herself through hell, but drag everybody around her into hell as well. She really has become dumb as fuck. As much as you love her, and as smart as she really is...she is now dumb as fuck. On top of that, her douchy boyfriend has to hang around, and it is so annoying!

Word of advice to the friends of the Desperate: She won't listen to you. She will ask you for advice over and over again, which you will give her, but she won't listen. Keep giving her the same advice in the same form. Consistency matters. Be frank and honest with her. Eventually she will stop asking you for advice. WHY? Because she doesn't want to hear your honesty...and that is when the Desperate should realize she is fucked. At that point, send her the link to this blog.

If you get to a point that you are breaking your neck to make your friends like your dick-fucker man, or you have stop asking for honest advice from the people you love and trust...you are now a Desperate.


The Social Hierarchy:

Whore, Gold-digger, Snob, Freak, Jock, Drunk, Nerd...there are many different names for this chick. She can have many personalities and they are all different. The one thing that makes women The Social Hierarchy is they only date within their circle of social acceptance. This is in order to save face and maintain, or build, their perceived social value.

This could be a chick who is a dark metal head who swears that Slayer is the best band in the world and would beat the shit out of any dude wearing skinny jeans. Or this could be a chick that spray tans once a week, wears more jewelry than your Grandma, spends way beyond her means, and drives that Lexus she cannot afford. Regardless, the way this woman appears is the most important thing to her. She really doesn't know who she is anymore or what really makes her happy.

Again...this happens to the greatest women we know.

The Social Hierarchy is more concerned with what people think of her dating life, than her actual relationships. It doesn't matter how big a fucking DICK a dude is...or that he fucking flirts with other bitches right in front of her face, he fits her social mold! It often starts out innocent, because obviously this gal will be initially attracted to the type she normally dates, but what makes it fucked up is when she stays with him when she shouldn’t. The Social Hierarchy chick is so concerned about building her social profile she uses her dating life as leverage and proof of her value in her social circle. This woman will continue to stay in shitty relationships and date the same fucking assholes because it makes her look good to the people in her social circle.

JUST BECAUSE he drives a nice car, has a nice house, and wears fucking Armani, doesn't mean he knows how to eat pussy! More likely his entitled chauvinist attitude will go to work right away on the task of breaking you down emotionally!

JUST BECAUSE he likes the same music, can mosh with the best of them, and plays a fucking guitar, DOESN'T mean he isn't going to cry during sex and then fuck your best friend!

JUST BECAUSE he likes Avatar, knows how to imitate Captian Kirk, and thinks DDR is exercise...doesn't mean he has a BIG COCK and will treat you like a lady!

If you know a “The Desperate” or “The Social Hierarchy” that is in a bad situation, the only advice I can give you is what I do myself...Listen. Consistently give them the same advice, be literal, and remind them to be realistic! There is no magic solution here. These women need to learn the hard way, like all of us have. Only the lucky ones learn from their mistakes or begin to take advice from the people they love.

My advice to "The Desperate" and "The Social Hierarchy": Listen to what your friends and loved ones say and always put yourself in their shoes. Would you want your sister, or best friend being treated the way you are being treated? Also, just because your friends and family are being honest with you about their worries, don't shut them out of your life and begin spending your life only with him! That alone is the single most terrible thing you could do to yourself. AND ANOTHER THING....STOP inviting that fucking asshole out for ladies night. It is called LADIES NIGHT for a reason! Fuck girl!

And if he does show up, ladies be careful and don't drink too much. You may just end up hitting or publicly insulting him. Whoopsie! That's not the best way to handle it...TRUST ME!

GOD did fucking Dr. Phil write this? SHIT! I need a the shot of Whiskey! Go find your own.

And would you take the edge off already! Your chastity is really bothering me.

Thanks again to L.S. and C.M. for helping me with my terrible grammar.